|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 1:18 pm
Rep had turned the confrontation with Simon over and over in his head, and no matter which way he tried to put it, couldn't make it fit with his view of the world. Everything hadn't been enough, everything that he was had been insufficient, and he should have known because it hadn't been the first time either. What initially was unbearable hurt mended like the scars on his face until it was simply a deep and inconsolable sort of sorrow. There it stayed, never receding or fading away, trapped beneath the surface. He wasn't wanted, he was dangerous for Allan's well being, he was a bad Sun. He couldn't even pass his back's reflection in the mirror, the eclipse symbol there a reminder of how he had failed at the one thing he'd sworn to be able to do. He'd been forced to make a choice between hanging around unwanted like the awkward guy no one liked at a party, or doing the dignified thing and bowing out, to someday return if he ever possessed anything they wanted.
He had chosen dignity and his pride. Hardly able to speak as he filled in the relevant paperwork, he'd needed a moment to steady himself in the hallway, the magnitude of what he was doing harrowing to him. But a Sun if nothing else was strong - even if he couldn't give them what they wanted that still meant something to him. It was a sort of dissociation, the way he watched himself travel along the corridors as if he was someone else, outside his own mind and distant from everything.
The piece of paper in his hand meant he had no right to fight alongside Harrison any longer, not really - but he'd failed in that too, dragged him into battles he didn't need to fight. Life had offered to take him in like a stray and for that he was grateful, he would give them what he had to offer the same way as he had given Sun, and hope that they might find him more adequate.
Bothering Dr H wasn't something he particularly wanted to do. Going near H was something you did because you had to, like using very dangerous but essential chemicals. Today he wasn't afraid. He didn't think he could go lower than he presently was and if H wanted to prove otherwise, he was welcome to. After all, henceforth, he belonged to him.
He knocked as carefully as he could manage, doors were fragile, and Allan hardly had one.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:36 pm
Doors were not inherently fragile, Allan just had that effect on...well, pretty much everything. "It's open," the doctor's voice filtered smoothly through the door. Upon entering, Rep would find that the man himself was not at his desk, but rather on the office's couch, the delicate bones of a bird separated neatly on the table before him. Glancing up, the doctor gave a toothy smile, "Here for another cuff, then?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 6:29 am
Rep stepped into the room with caution foremost in his thoughts, as if he was walking into the lair of a particularly dangerous animal. Everything about his posture however was deferential, at least until he spotted the bird skeleton, once he did he couldn't conceal the interest that lit up in his features - dismantling animals for their skin and bones was something of a hobby. He hurriedly turned his attention to the task at hand, dragging his gaze to H as he stammered.
"N.. no sir. I am.. I was.. I am superfluous to Sun's needs and s**t. Clarice said that Life would take me on."
He held out the letter as if it was some sort of magical ward.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 12:59 pm
"Oh, superfluous, hm?" The doctor looked away from Rep, and picked up a a bone. The letter was ignored. "I think that's hardly true, all one really needs to be a Sun is a weapon and a disregard for their own well being." Dabbing a tiny dot of glue on one end, he picked up another bone and continued, "Life...well, I prefer my people to be of actual use to me." His eyes flicked up to the other man, expectant.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 1:19 pm
The letter was withdrawn and held to his chest. Maybe Clarice had just been saying the things she had to make him feel better, maybe really no one wanted him at all.
"I.." That wasn't all you needed to be a Sun, he wanted to say, he wanted to argue that you needed more than that, you needed to be able to disconnect from reality, go off into your own little world, needed to be able to see everything from the perspective of someone who felt the inevitability of death in every beat of your heart and knew that in the end, you would deserve it. To be a Sun you had to be able to trade in your life for one single brilliant supernova moment of recognition that was everything in a universe that didn't care.
But he'd been wrong about Sun, he had no place to argue any longer. "I can code, Sir. Before the island I worked full time for a cracking and hacking ring. I was known as REX, I made the keygens and patches and copied a lot of the discs. It was nothing amazing." He was nothing amazing, and found himself shifting his attention to the delicate bones of the bird. "I skin things, I tan things..." It all sounded tiny and petty, and left him grasping desperately at straws, at anything he could imagine would be useful to a division based around the raw pursuit of knowledge. "I can dissociate?"
He wilted, everything he came up with sounded stupid and tiny, resume of a wasted lifetime. "..I don't know what I can offer you except everything I have, Sir."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 4:33 pm
Looking up the doctor gave Rep a gentle smile, "That was just a warning, my dear. Make yourself useful or I will simply use you." He held the pieces together with a careful pressure. "I'm sure you'll do quite well, particularly if you've managed to curb your murderous tendancies toward furniture."
Setting the pieces down, he began the process again, after a moment H continued conversationally, "Mr. Reid, what attribute do you think we prize most highly in this division?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 4:53 pm
Rep seemed to relax, though never entirely, he simply lowered the wall level of wariness and tension a fraction. He didn't mention his more recent furniture related atrocities when none of them would stand him in good stead. It was less a question and more a statement that he would have to deal with his temper in short order. He nodded.
Once again he watched H work with very thinly veiled enthusiasm, as if at any moment he would like to offer to help - declined or not. Bones, he loved bones, the essence of a thing, persisting when it did not, like an echo, the same way fur did when you treated it right. A way of controlling a creature you had never really had claim to in the first place. When he spoke, Rep tilted his head like an attentive dog.
He gave it due consideration. The people who thrived in Life were diverse, Killzone, Clarice, H, the techs, the high ranked hunters. They covered a massive range of traits and skills, an entire spectrum. He tried to find a thread that ran through them all, part of their success, mulling it over the way he mulled everything in his life over below the surface. He'd always felt like H saw him as stupid, just a guy with a weapon and no common sense - and maybe he was right - but that didn't change him wanting to be correct just once.
The shared trait was untangible, a mix of cleverness, perceptiveness and a long sighted common sense he didn't possess. Clarice had taken him to that meal and nudged him on the rails so subtly he hadn't noticed till much later, Killzone had guided him in the same way, subtle and downplayed at least to someone as feral as him. And then there was Sasha who shared those strange dissonant vibes with H, something broken but fascinating like a flawed stone.
"Insidiousness. Cleverness. Whatever word there is for thinking fifty moves ahead in a game of chess. Everything that sun isn't." he hung his head again as if he'd been beaten. "I don't know, sir."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 6:19 pm
The answer left H chuckling softly, "How very flattering, but no. Not at all." Gesturing slightly with a bone, he corrected Rep with a succinct, "Steady hands."
Setting the piece down, he held up one hand, the bones of it brought to subtle prominence given his current activity. "No matter where you are, what you are doing, who or what you're doing it to, your hands must remain steady. No flinching, no trembling, no hesitation. A steady everything else would be a preferable addition, but for a Life hunter..." he wiggled his fingers, " ...everything begins and ends here."
Sitting back he steeples his fingers and regarded the younger man, "Others always assume it's our minds, but a clever thought alone won't get the job done. Do you understand?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 7:32 pm
Rep listened carefully to H. It was the one thing he was good at, even if he didn't always manage to live up to what people wanted, he listened. And for once it was something he felt he could actually do - his hands were steady, they always had been - it was only when doubt and fear were introduced into the equation by others that he faltered or hesitated. When people made him think because it was moral, penning him into a corner where he had to approach the complex world of other people's standards without a moral map of his own. It had been a survival trait in his life, hesitation was picked up instantly in a world of predators, and they would kill you without mercy and feel no regret. An axe had always been appropriate to him, a weapon that was about a single definitive cleave with everything behind it - decisive and absolute. He thought back to when the order had been called to kill Bix, to act because it was necessary, and there hadn't been even a moment of hesitation because it was an order. Part of him wondered if the success of his fear attack that day had been linked to that, free of the usual doubts and anxieties he tied himself down with. To be needed meant to have something to offer, he could offer this.
He looked down at his own hands, fiddly computer components, knife fights and combat training meant they were stable, it would take practice to build steadiness. But it was something he could do, both in the metaphorical sense and the literal. He met H's gaze with a determination in his own, the fear and inadequacy galvanised by the thought that he could compete, that he wouldn't be hopelessly out of his depth in a world of clever people.
"I do sir." And he hoped earnestly that he did. "For me the problem was always when people told me to be gentle rather than steady."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 7:49 pm
"Yes, well, that would require a bit more control than anyone would accuse you of," the doctor replied pleasantly. "Clarice will see that you get your new coat. You're a bit too new to the division for us to allow access to runic coding, but I'm sure she already has work waiting for you." The doctor lifted his eyebrows and glanced at the door, a clear dismissal.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 7:56 pm
He didn't even flinch at the slight, at this point resigned to anything that people could throw at him. He'd been allowed to stay, that was vindication enough. With an obedient nod, not keen to overstay his welcome, he replied, "Yes sir.", and with one last admiring glance at the skeleton, turned on his heel and left.
It could have gone a lot worse.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
