Welcome to Gaia! ::

Dear Journal:

Wait, who the heck are you, Journal, and why would I tell you anything?!

That was unfriendly. Please excuse the paranoid knee-jerk reaction. Let's get to know each other, and then become BFFs who can giggle over our most intimate secrets!

...You will tell me a few secrets of your own, won't you, Journal?

Here Are The Guidelines of Our Relationship, Journal:

1. Anyone can comment here. I hope you don't mind. It's not just you and me in this world, Journal, and feedback is awesome.

2. I'm going to call you "Journal" a lot. I hope you don't mind, Journal.

3. I'll try to write in you every day, but I might not. Journal, I hope you don't mind. I know I am starting things off with a lot of demands that require me to hope you won't mind them. It's ok, you can make a few demands of your own. You will, won't you, Journal? You would never brood in silence while I get my way all the time, would you? Don't do that.

*bakes cupcakes for beloved Journal*

March 6, 2013

Dear Journal:

So much for writing in you every day.

After 4 AM I couldn't sleep, so I finished a couple of library books. One of them features works of the 19th-century Japanese artist, Hokusai. Awesome stuff. Of course you don't actually finish a book like that. You just run out of pictures to look at, and if you own the book you periodically return to it, soaking up the illustrations.

Wondering if I should start entering book giveaways on Goodreads. Since I don't blog about books, I'm not sure I would be considered a good candidate for a free book from any author; I frequently don't even write reviews for the things I read, settling for rating them. And thanks to the public library system I have more reading material than I can handle anyway. idk, it just seems like so many Readers (with a capital R) enter the giveaways, making me feel a little eccentric for not bothering. Surely I should just want free books. Eh, maybe if I see a book I really would like to have.

March 9, 2013

Dear Journal:

Two-thirds of the way through Beautiful b*****d, the spiritual successor to Fifty Shades of Grey.

Ok, I'm not ashamed to admit that I am really fond of this new wave of adult romances. They are more character driven than old-school romance novels, and the men aren't cardboard cutouts. The male characters are shamelessly objectified, yeah, but at least they have personalities. That's more than can be said for male characters of paperback romances from the past several decades.

The objectification of men in both FSoG and this new series, on top of yaoi and fandom shipping, is something that the institution of feminism is missing by a mile. I can go to any random feminist blog and see an archaic rant about how female characters in video games are dressed, as if the internet were not a frenzied pit of heterosexual young women having their emotional way with Sherlock Holmes, Thor, and those guys from Supernatural. Among many many MANY other masculine figures. Sometimes I feel a little suffocated by the goings on around female fandoms, probably because I am no longer single. But that doesn't mean I am opposed to the fantasies... and I'm not opposed to the fantasies heterosexual men have either. Who cares if women in video games wear only strips of Scotch tape over the relevant spots on their triple-D boobs; the ladies on Tumblr have Red Pants Monday and that goes WAY further.

I wonder what will happen if all the genders objectify each other.

March 12, 2013

Dear Journal:

While watching Volume 11 ads for Gcash, I suddenly found myself shamed and confused.

Three of the video ads were from Cottonelle, the toilet-paper brand. They have a new product. Moist wipes. Cottonelle made it look like if you're not following up the use of toilet paper with the use of moist wipes then you may as well go out in public with poop stuck to your face.

The theme of the commercials: if you think dry wiping is good enough in the bathroom, then see what you think of washing your hair with shampoo and no water. Or just rubbing down a car at a car wash with a scratchy sponge. The most obvious of the three ads featured a diner setting, in which a large pool of spilled tomato sauce was smeared all over a table with a plain cloth and left there.

"It smells so bad!" said the diner customer, laughing, making certain you got what Cottonelle was trying to say about your butt.

God help me, it gave me pause. Which was exactly what the commercials were supposed to do.

But is this a legitimate argument, or is Cottenelle just trying to make more money by convincing consumers to buy yet another item?

I am aware that different parts of the world hold their own opinions on the matter. People from nations that use bidets think toilet paper alone is uncalled for. And to a country like mine- the United States- the notion of using banana leaves or other natural materials sounds ineffective and uncomfortable. But where are toilet paper and moist wipes regularly combined for a "care routine"?

Three things bother me here:

The commercials clearly wanted to make the viewers feel so self-conscious and odorous that the only option would be to buy moist wipes. FUD.

In an economy like this one, saddling people with yet one more obligatory product seems to me pretty inconsiderate.

My entire life has been spent in a country in which people use toilet paper alone and to claim that it "smells so bad" or is otherwise intolerably unsanitary is to claim that we have all been extremely unobservant. For DECADES.

otoh, customs change.

If moist wipes for grownups catch on, I won't be stubborn about it. Ten years from now we might all wonder how we used to stand dry wiping.

But it's a wait-and-see thing.

March 14, 2013

Dear Journal:

I seem to be settling into a decent sleeping schedule. I go to sleep darned early, but whatever works. Waking up at seven in the morning is nice. It gives me plenty of time to get my head together, spend time with Kellen before he showers, scrape ice and/or snow off the car's windshield before he leaves for work, and make breakfast if he wants it. I have a lot of empty time before doing laundry or dishes, though... I wish I could get myself to write more often.

I wish I weren't so afraid of writing now.

Listening to Michael Jackson's "Beat It". It's easy to forget how good a song is if you haven't heard it for a while.

Man, am I glad I'm not in SoCal right now, considering the things that have been going on in the country lately. It was such a joy to hear Dad watch a news report about the progression of marriage equality and retort with all the certainty possible: "The American people don't want gay marriage."

Yup, my paternal parent is "that guy", the one who thinks he is the entire population of the United States. My mom didn't watch the news much while he was around. I suppose she may have it on even less now, since marriage equality is such a hot topic.

Yesterday I found out that the head of another guild I belong to has been offline for so long because his dad discovered he is gay. Things got so ugly that the authorities had to be involved. The guild head no longer lives with his father, and is trying to gather up the guild after months of inactivity.

Seriously, what the heck is happening. Why is being gay considered so terrible. I don't UNDERSTAND. That may sound like an immature reaction, but sometimes the didactic essays of the social justice movement just don't do the trick. They don't express dismay and confusion.

I guess this is what it looks like whenever there is a glacier-size shift in culture, custom, and social standards. It's kind of scary. And it can lead you to strongly dislike a lot of people. You are forced to see facets of them that you didn't even consider could exist.

March 18, 2013

Dear Journal:

Saturday was awesome. Tried out the new Cool Ranch Doritos tacos from Taco Bell, then explored the independent Indy Reads bookstore AND Books-A-Million. Took a break at home before heading to Carmel for dinner at A Taste of Sensu, the Asian fusion restaurant for which we had a Groupon. Aahh, that was tasty.

First we had fried tempura shrimp, a plate of puffy, oversized bites in a creamy sauce. Kellen didn't care for the sauce, so I ate most of that dish. The shrimp were colored a flavorful orange-yellow and were just spicy enough for my taste.

Then two-thirds of the sushi arrived. Kellen ordered an eel roll and I got a plate of snow crab and tuna with cucumber and sesame seed. I swear, I never thought I would eat sushi before I came to Indianapolis, and the first time I did I was wary of the ingredients. Sushi has *cucumber*? I said. That makes no *sense*. I'm still not sure that it makes sense, but it all tastes good anyway. I adore crab, and this sushi roll was an excellent combination of flavors, especially with that sesame stuff on top. I want it again! Or at least something like it! As is the custom for us, Kellen and I ate a piece of each other's rolls. The eel roll was ok but not as bold as my crab and tuna.

Then the last dish of sushi arrived, something called Gold Coast Crunch. It wasn't as well fried as Kellen likes it, and the chunks of red snapper kept falling out as we tried to pick up the pieces with chopsticks. Didn't taste bad, it just wasn't what it could have been.

All in all, I would give A Taste of Sensu 4 stars out of 5, and when they offer another Groupon I will like likely want it.

After dinner, we walked to Bub's Burgers and Ice Cream next door so we could splurge a little on kid-size cones of gourmet ice cream. We both got the same flavor- praline pecan. omggggg it was good.

I like Carmel a lot. It's no good if you don't have money, but if you do, it is a fantastic place to spend a Saturday. I wish I had the finances to justify browsing the art galleries there.

Kellen had a $50 Visa gift card that he received as a bonus for working long hours recently, and last night he spent it on yet more Groupons. We now have plans for more sushi, pizza, one of those grownup versions of Chuck E. Cheese's, and pancakes. Indianapolis has so much good stuff in it.

March 21, 2013

Dear Journal:

Last night I took 10K out of my questing fund to buy a tarot reading. I've only had one reading in my life (also on /gaia), and I was pretty satisfied with it, so I took my pressing question to the cards.

I wanted to know what it is about me that is most responsible for my social anxiety. Choosing the Mandala spread because it's designed for self-examination, I went into this with a hopeful mind.

Not sure I got an answer. Not a real answer to my actual question, just some advice.

I am aware that it is common for adult children of alcoholics to be afraid of people. And I am aware that sometimes I have irrational fears related to social interactions- afraid that I will unexpectedly make the other person angry, for instance- but I really need to know why the social anxiety exists overall. Just saying "because you are an adult child of an alcoholic" is not good enough. It's like saying "you don't feel well because you have an illness".

The tarot reading told me some stuff that I resisted initially, but after letting it go for a bit and then reading it again, I could see its points. But. None of it had much, if anything, to do with social anxiety.

"Overall, the spread seems to be saying to stop trying to be something you're not. Follow your instincts and love yourself for who you are."

But... but that's just ADVICE. Anybody could've told me that. I could go on Tumblr right now and be told that ten times without even looking for it. Nothing about the reading was anything close to a smoking gun. What is most responsible for my social anxiety. Why do I start a chat with someone and then tense up so much I feel sick, and every reply becomes more and more of a struggle until I finally have to drop out? I get SCARED while trying to talk to anyone other than my bf. Some convos are easier than others, but no one outside of my bf is easy to talk to. And it's not their fault; I know it's on my end. (Which is not the same thing as saying it's my fault- I don't have control over my feelings. But it is on my end.)

Maybe I should get another tarot reading later, after I have earned more gold and can afford the risk of blowing some.

March 27, 2013

Dear Journal:

There's not much to write when your emotions and thoughts feel so toxic. I won't spread them around.