Welcome to Gaia! ::

I've had anxiety attacks / panic attacks since 5th grade. They've come and gone over time. The last time I had them, they were really bad. I couldn't eat, I lost the will to live and I was miserable. I ended up losing 60+ pounds over it. Luckily I was overweight.

I met a guy, my fiance', and he made me sooo happy. Because of that, the attacks left for a while. I was back on a stable diet and I was happy, finally.

We met online, then met in person twice, the second time he proposed, and I said yes. But he was only visiting...which meant he had to leave eventually.

My parents have been abusing me (especially mom) ever since I got my attacks. It's just been hell. And it's making things worse on me. They were alot of the cause of my attacks, and now they are again.

My attacks are back with a vengeance. These aren't regular attacks, though. Not panic nor anxiety. It's like both combined and magnified.

I can be sitting at my computer talking to my fiance' on mic, and I'll just break down. Tears form I my eyes, I try to calm down, then boom, I lose it. I start crying so hard I can't breathe.

I was told anxiety attacks can be formed by thinking upsetting things. The thing is, I don't think anything when I break down. Anything can trigger it.

. I'm in a joint art auction. Not many people liked my art and that caused an attack.

. My dad pounded on my door (very loudly) the other day because I didn't go to dinner (because I was in the middle of an attack), and I had a hard core break down. I was stutter breathing, crying my eyes, the kind where you can't breathe you're putting so much force into it, I was curled into a ball at my desk, shaking, whimpering, etc.

The silliest things are setting me off. If someone yells I get an attack. If there's a huge bang / loud noise - attack. NOTHING AT ALL can giv me an attack. Just one second tears in the eyes and the next I'm in a ball crying. I was watching a show with snakes in it - and this guy put a mouse in the cage for feed, and it got bitten with venom, then just curled into a bowl and died. I couldn't sleep after that. Instant attack.

I know they're back because I'm so unhappy.

I'm moving next Jan., away from my family. And they won't let me. They guilt trip me endlessly. They make me worry that they won't want me anymore, they won't love me. I'm scared my grandmother will die after I leave. And mom uses that against me -- very well, infact.

My fiance' gets really annoyed at them for doing this to me; but he makes my attacks worse by getting so upset in general. He doesn't understand the attacks, or what they do to me (he has a general idea). But he'llget so upset that he'll be yelling saying "YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT, JUST TELL THEM TO ******** OFF." and other things. He wants me to stand up for myself and I agree with that but it's not easy.

And things with my fiance' in general aren't going well because of these attacks. It's making HIM down too, because as much as I try, I can't make them go away like he wants. But these attacks are also making me really edgy and if I didn't put some sort of control on it, I'd be snapping at him right and left all day for NOTHING in particular.

My attacks are back, and worse than ever, because I want away from my home so badly. I want away from what they do to me and I want the ability to control my own life so that maybe THEN I can be truly happy and my attacks go away.

They're taking my appetite. My will to live (not suicidal...but I just can't be bothered to do anything). But I just feel like...Maybe it'd be better if I were to die so I Stop going through this. Or I think that in the end it will kill me on its own.

I just. I don't know what to do. Nothing is making them go away. I'm trying to keep positive, but it's failing lately. I'm avoiding my parents, but their supreme lack of interest in me is making it worse.

I'm smoking a shitload, not enjoying anything. There are so few bright points to my life that I don't know what to do about it.

I mean, it's so ridiculous. My fiance' the other day, bought several games online. Offered to buy me one. I tried to think; didn't do so fast enough and he changed his mind and bought another for himself. And that...hurt. I've been depressed about never getting anything lately and whoa that just multiplied it. It was like he put a tiny bright light in my life then snatched it away. I thought it was kinda selfish. Thank God he won't be reading this.
And on top of that, I love Miyusaki's movies. I saw an ad on Gaia, went to check it out, told him as an off comment...and he went and rented them all. And these attacks just took any upset-ness that would normally cause and made me PISSED at him. And while it was kinda mean, it's HIS money, not mine...
(That's just been bugging me lately - wanted it off my chest.)

The most discouaging thought of all is that at the moment, nothing can fix this. My attacks aren't leaving any time soon. I'm not moving any time soon because my parents don't pay enough attention to see that my eyes have been red rimmed for the past week. No one has noticed but my fiance'. No one has cared. My door was wide open that day my dad pounded on the door.
I made an "Ahh..." sound after he left, and he yelled "AND YOU ******** HUFF AT ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL SMASH YOUR COMPUTER ALL TO ********". But I hadn't huffed, it was like an outcry because I'd just burst into tears. But he didn't realize that. Not even when he could SEE and HEAR everything I was doing - as I said, door wide open.

That night mom said "So you were giving your dad attitude, huh?" But I just KNOW DAD HEARD ME CRYING. Then he felt bad or something, and turned it around to make ME bad, and to get attention from mom.

But like I said .. I have no solution. I feel llike I'll be going through this for the next 10-11 months. We have no money. No money, no doctor. The only person that makes me happy, that treats me right, is over in England, and I can't get away early. Everything I use to take my mind off it is making me worse - Drawing, no one likes them and I KNOW they're good...better than alot of things I lose to.
Games ... I've been playing RO constantly lately, and it's getting to me too because of stupid game drama.
I can't even be assed doing anything else. I have basically no will.
Keeping my mind off it isn't helping.
The only person I can talk to about it all is my fiance'...but like I said, he doesn't really understand them, or what I'm saying about them, so all he does is get upset about it all.

I don't know what I want. What I need to be better. I can't get a doctor, I'm going no where fast, parent's aren't going to magically grow compassionate hearts and yeah. I'm just really lost.
I mean hell.. My mom doesn't come near me unless she wants to see my pet ferret. That hurts...alot.

Thanks to anyone who read all of this. I don't know what I want from you all - maybe just someone to listen. But I stil appreciate you reading it all.

I have a friend who sufferes severe panic attacks, and she's in the middle of therapy. It seems to be helping her, so maybe it'd be something to look into for yourself. Some high schools offer free counselling services or have school counsellors, or you could ask your parents to take you to someone. Or if you have the money, you could go yourself.

As Kukushka said, there's also different techniques you could use to calm yourself down: breathing, relaxation, meditation, etc. Or even just removing yourself from the situation (ie going out for a walk or going out somewhere) to give yourself a breather and the chance to calm down.

I know we've talked about this (your abuse at home) before in one of your earlier threads, and you're almost 18, so if you can stick it out until you're 18 then I think you should. Otherwise, perhaps it's time to start looking at getting outside sources and people involved, so this abuse at home can be stopped.

On a final note, if you're of legal age to leave, then you can do it whether they like it or not. If you have the money and the means to go and live with your finance, then why not do it? As for the whole guilt trip with your grandmother thing... I don't mean this in a bad way, honestly, but she's going to die at some point, right? Everyone dies sooner or later. Saying that she'll die just because you've leaving is a load of crap - you're making choices in your life based on what YOU want, not what everyone else wants for you.

You'd be amazed by the things that can set you off. That's why talking to a professional can help. They can help you recognize a time when an attack might happen and take steps to stop it.

I'm glad you've been very proactively fixing yourself! Keep up the awesome work!