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 Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:41 am
Wash surveyed the small collection of books they called a library, chin in hand. His still-damp hair glistened in the afternoon sun and somewhat ruined his skeptical, speculative look, and it was with a patient sigh that he finally slid a volume out from the end of a row. Fifty Shades of Grey. Maybe it was a murder mystery? Or perhaps a good drama. After The Da Vinci Code he was looking for something a little more... hmm. Maybe a 'little less' was a better way of putting it. Something nice and peaceful. A little grey. He settled into a nearby chair with a contented grunt, and flipped through the pages, picking one at random.
Oh.
Oh.
His deep laughter reverberated out the room and down the hall.
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 12:18 pm
Jerry was lost in his thoughts as he wandered through the facility. Aimless. Without a weapon to train with, he was basically useless. His arm hurt too much for any serious guitar shenanigans, and so he was just left with his thoughts.
And there was a lot to think about.
The sudden deep laughter that resonated toward him from the library was enough to grab his attention, relief running through him. Wash!
"What's so funny?" He managed cooly, peering into the room where the man was researching, a timid smile on his face.
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:08 pm
Wash looked up to see- Jerry. Hmm. He still chuckled quietly, but closed the little paperback and set it down on his lap. That infectious calm hadn't left him still, and left him feeling - nothing at all. He gave his friend peaceful, if empty, eyes. Quietude.
"Oh, this book," he remarked after a moment, glancing down at the cover and shaking his head. "Ain't exactly what I expected it to be." He stretched languidly and covered his mouth and the ensuing jaw-creaking yawn.
"What're you up to?" He added finally, wiggling back against the armchair like a restive cat. A nap was tempting.
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:14 pm
"Being useless," Jerry managed weakly, "But... um. Functional. I think." His hand dug into his pocket, gently running his thumb along the side of Roar's tablet. "Up late?" He remarked at the yawn, moving in to join his friend.
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:25 pm
"Yeah," he replied, and left it at that. Huh. He'd somehow how negative Jerry had been as of late. It was strange, as if he had somehow expected everyone to exist in this kind of euphoric bubble.
No, the world hadn't changed that much.
"Chin up, take a seat," he said, leaning forward a little and gesturing to another chair. "What's eatin' at you?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:29 pm
"Nothing... in particular," He said softly as he moved to join him, sliding into a chair with a sigh. "Just... well. Everything I guess. I was in a bad place after... after th mission but I think I've worked my way through it." He set his jaw. "I don't know if... you heard but. Something happened to the council. They're looking for able bodied hunters for... y'know. Focused work. Without Roar, I don't know how useful I can be, though." He frowned, shifting to try to see what Wash had been reading. "Also I think Sasha hates me."
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:36 pm
"Ah."
He leaned back in his chair again, and it creaked in protest as he folded his hands over the book in his lap. "No, I hadn't. That's good news for you, right?"
Wash shook his head and couldn't help but smile a tiny bit at his friend's doldrum. "Nah, man, I'm sure they'll come back." Sally was in his dorm room somewhere, equally dormant. "Just need some time, yeah?"
His comment about Sasha made him frown, however. He gave him a puzzled look. "What makes you say that?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:41 pm
"I don't know what I'm doing here without him," He shook his head, "I'm no healer, I know nothing about Runes... and I'm too... ******** up in my own head to help others like... like Killzone did," He wove a hand with a sigh before rubbing his face wearily. "I can't read her anymore. She... she comes up to me like right when we got back. And she was all.... mixed messages. I don't know. I don't know what she wants from me. I want to make her happy... I just... I mean, I was teasing her yesterday a bit, just trying to get her to... to ******** SMILE but I don't think it worked. I shouldn't care what she thinks. I'm stupid I guess." He set his jaw, "I'm tired of being a doormat, Wash. And I won't... compromise my own morals, you know? Is it so wrong to want to be a little selfish? I miss just... being happy with myself."
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:53 pm
He felt oddly empowered, untouchable in this sense of afterglow. This dirty little secret. He scratched idly at his collarbone, an imprint of fingernails left behind like a brand that laced his throat just below the neck of his tee.
"Man, you've always been too hard on yourself. What about that, y'know, choir thing? 'Sides, I'm sure that ain't the only thing we could use 'round here." He crossed on leg over the other. Wash felt... charitable. Yes, that was a good word. Disconnected, floating; apart - but he still wanted to help. Not moved by compassion so much as a desire to spread his own good fortune.
Or was that compassion, after all? It was a strange thought. He was very, very tired.
"Don't worry about what she do or don't do. You can't control people, we all got our own road to walk." To run. To fly. To soar. "It ain't your job to do anythin' sides be the best YOU you can be. If you wanna make someone happy - you gotta let it go, man. Just be yourself." He yawned again, this time unintentionally, and rubbed at his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up.
"It's only wrong if you let it be," he intoned finally, his voice half lost in thought.
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 2:03 pm
"She doesn't want me to be myself. She wants me to just.... I've spent all this time on Deus running from that angry, violent side of me, you know? And she wants me to just embrace it. I don't want to embrace it. What good would it do? I feel like tha'ts just giving up. And the sick thing... I still love her. I don't know. I'm an idiot, I'm just... there's this feeling I get when I'm in love, you know? When I was with Candace, I felt I could take on the world. I could just... charge in and blow it all to smitherines. And then she just... threw it all away. I mean. I'm still friends with her but... I don't think I can ever feel the same way with her again. Then I met Sasha and..." His eyes got glossy, his lips pursing again. "That feeling was back. I would do anything for her. It was intoxicating, you know? Just... it filled me up inside, feeling like there was something else here for me. A possible future. Someone who understood me. But she's changed. She doesn't look at me the same way. Doesn't... laugh or smile or... I feel like whenever I talk to her I'm just some huge inconvenience she wants to just crush like a bug. I told her I didn't need her. I thought I didn't. Maybe I don't. But... I do, I guess. I don't know. I don't know what I need. Yesterday... I was testing the waters, I guess. She just gave me the finger and walked off. I had hoped she would just... laugh or... or something. Even if it was AT me, not with me, you know?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 2:23 pm
He didn't argue, didn't fight. He wasn't her white knight - the thought made him purse his own lips a tiny bit in amusement. He wouldn't defend her honor - break ups were nasty things, and there was no telling what kind of a confrontation had led her to be on the beach last night. It sounded like there had been ugly things done and said, and he didn't want to delve into where he wasn't wanted.
"Jerry," he began, after a time. His voice held weariness like a cup, but he pressed onward. Nothing was impossible - not even Jerry. Not today.
"You gotta love yourself, man. No one else can do that for you. Ain't nobody here that can live for you, pretty as it may sound. I keep hearin' 'she' this and 'her' that, and what 'she' does or doesn't want." He could see it, he mused. Like a jug just waiting to be filled - with a leaky bottom. Poor Jerry. Wash wished he could help but - his own advice echoed in his mind, and he shook his head. He wished he could just make the other man see his own worth, outside the parameters of others.
"We're all God's children, Jerry. We were all chosen to be here for a reason." He spread his hands, gesturing to the room. "What you an' her had... it was precious. Let it be what it was, you know? Sometimes we gotta be grateful for the time we're given." This realization, of all of them, was probably his hardest won. He didn't know if his friend would understand what it had cost him, to come to this point. To let go of what he'd had, what he had clung to so desperately over the last year. It was a plunge; a leap of faith.
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 2:53 pm
Jerry snorted, shaking his head, "Easier said than done, my friend." With a sigh, he picked up a book from the counter at random to pretend to study the cover. "And don't talk to me about Chosen. The Jews are God's Chosen People and you can see how well that's gone for them over the years." A slow exhale. "I know what we had we'll... never have again. Not like it was. But is it too much to want... something? Anything. I'm tired of being alone. All this talk of marriage and... so many hunters are carrying on with normal lives despite our abnormal situation. Maybe I'm just crazy to think I could have... something like that. Lately I think it was only precious to me. She doesn't seem to miss me. I don't know. The other night she seemed to just want one thing." He shook his head, "But... I mean, am I crazy for wanting MEANING behind those things? Should I have just rolled over and taken it just cause I'm so happy she's paying attention to me? I said no and now it's just cold shoulder. I have nothing left for her that she wants."
He sagged, letting the book lightly fall against his face in a frustrated smack. "I feel happy... confident... when I'm helping other people. And I want to help her. I know she's finding herself again... we all are. I keep repeating that to myself but it's like... what if we find ourselves and she just has no spot for me in it? I still believe that there's a good soul in her. She's just been through a lot. But... but dammit we ALL have!"
The book slid down to his chest and he plopped it back down on the table again, "You don't have anything to drink stashed around, do you?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 4:25 pm
Wash had another 'ah-ha' moment. She had wanted one thing - and he had a pretty good guess as to what that had been. It was all so complicated, made into such a mess. Was this really how it had to be? He rubbed his temples. Marriage? A normal life? Here? He couldn't imagine it. They had other duties. Besides - He didn't know what besides, so he let that train of thought sputter out for the time being. Maybe it was time to change tactics. "You jus' came in here sayin' you was worthless, Jerry. What kinna girl is gonna wanna tie themselves to that?" He shook his head. "You're not listenin'. You can't go around changin' people, and 'help' is just another word for that." He sighed. His good mood was slowly being sucked away. "She's a person, " he intoned wearily, "and she's allowed to make mistakes same as you. She's allowed to have her own mind, and you really gotta let her go." As afterthought, he added, "for your own good." Wash was seriously regretting leaving his room, now. At his comment about drink, he simply gave him a very disappointed frown. He nearly jumped out his own skin as he felt something vibrate against his leg- and then he remembered he'd stuffed his phone into a pocket. He slipped it out surreptitiously. Two missed messages. The first seemed to be a mass text pertaining to the announcement Jerry had mentioned, but the second - He arched an eyebrow and the corner of his lip twitched upward. He very carefully typed out a reply. Belrose. Belrose. What a pretty last name.
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 5:07 pm
Jerry's brows furrowed and his lips pursed as he digested Wash's words and the Moon hunter checked his phone. "Just give up? Like... like it all meant nothing?" Finally he glanced up, taking in the other man's face.... and the scratched about his neck line. "Are you alright? Is that a rash or something?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 5:46 pm
"No, that's..." He sighed. "I meant, let it go because it did mean somethin', and you don't want to ruin it with hard feelings." Wash closed his eyes. He felt like he had vertigo. If anything was going to happen tonight, he was going to need to find some time to take a quick nap. Stripped of his weapon, he wasn't super human.
Super human. Hmmm. A thought for later.
"Huh? Oh..." He glanced down. Oh indeed. "Yeah, I guess the sand got to me. Been spending time on the beach, getting some fresh air." It wasn't completely a lie.
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