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 Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 2:37 pm
The beach was soothing. Jordan had left his boots further up on the sand; he stood at the edge of the waves and let the water wash in and out over his bare feet, slowly eroding the sand underneath and making his feet sink into the hollows. He kept his balance. That could be taken as a metaphor, he thought wryly.
Or maybe you're just overanalyzing it, Ferros suggested.
Could be. Jordan stared out at the horizon, frowning slightly. Though he'd intervened when Ro had come to the room to talk to Rep, Rep had still beaten Ro, and now Ro was avoiding Jordan, which made sense, but also made Jordan angry and uneasy. This couldn't keep happening. He needed to know why Rep had done it, what had sparked that dangerous temper, how it could be prevented from happening again.
He'd asked Rep to meet him here after morning training. The beach was neutral ground and soothing for both of them, as well as being a relatively private place for a conversation. Hopefully they could get this sorted out before anything else went wrong.
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Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 3:21 pm
Rep couldn't stay tense on the beach. The rolling sand and endlessly crashing waves seemed to sap away the anxieties he carried around with him like a ball and chain. It freed him in its barren solitude, cleared his thoughts in the humid breeze with its salt strong promise of the ocean beyond and leant him a sense of security - you could see for miles in either direction.
He hadn't bothered to dry his hair after his post-training shower and took his time wandering along the sands, his own boots stowed near the rocky cliffs where the waves didn't reach. He walked in the shallows, out of reach of the crispy dried seaweed and bleached branches. He could see Jordan long before he reached him and that gave him a bit of time to think. It was likely about the looming unresolved issue that was Ro. He wished he could just leave things as they were, with the other man too angry and hurt to come near Jordan, but even Rep wasn't stupid enough to think that sort of festering resentment could last. It would end more badly in the long run if something wasn't done.
No immediate solutions presented themselves however, he still wasn't comfortable with just rescinding the territory he'd staked out and losing the message he'd sent, but nor was he comfortable with the idea of having to persist and ultimately face the challenges Melvin had put to him of finding means to win and hold affection with gifts. He felt at a loss and only hoped Jordan had more of an idea of what to do than he did.
When he arrived, he simply stopped next to the other man, following his gaze and smiling slightly to himself.
"You know, there's dolphins out there."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 12:29 am
"Are there?" Jordan looked over at the sound of Rep's voice, smiling slightly with the warm wash of affection that always rose in him when they were together, whether or not he was in a good mood. The words reminded him of Killzone and the big man's enthusiasm for the animals; he'd never think of dolphins without thinking of the guy, probably. Killzone would have liked that, he thought. He'd never gotten to know the guy, thinking that there would be time, that he could wait; and then there hadn't been time any more, and he hadn't known.
Chances lost, opportunities passed up. A sharp and bitter reminder that death walked with them all daily, and that it was too easy to let things slide until it was too late and you were left wondering, guiltily, if maybe you could have done something, if you'd only tried.
The thought was all too appropriate to what he'd resolved to talk to Rep about. Neither of them really wanted to talk about it, maybe, but it couldn't keep on like this. Something would snap if they didn't face the problem. "What happened there, with Ro?" he asked quietly.
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:21 am
Rep nodded. "Aye. Sometimes they even get stuck." It was as much as he felt like hinting about his little adventure saving or at least trying to save one before.
Knew it, he thought as Ro was brought up, he was a problem that would linger unless it was sorted out.
His smile thinned out to a tense line. "He asked me to spar him and I don't normally turn down spars." It sounded like an excuse he thought, so he went on. "But fights are like a power thing I guess. I mean, other people can do fights with no emotion and s**t, but when I fight everything sort of bleeds over, all the things that are bothering me, all the anger and stuff. And then I won, so I like, wanted to leave him with a message I guess."
His shallow sigh was almost lost in the waves. "I know I said I wouldn't but when I'm fighting and the emotions are running high, I don't think at all I guess. If there's someone I don't like, that's when it's going to come through most of all, that's when they are at my mercy."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:34 am
Jordan listened quietly, slipping his arm around Rep's waist partway through. He thought it over for a minute after Rep went quiet, turning the problem over in his mind. He knew that Rep lost his hold on his self-control sometimes; the best that could be done then was to try to minimize the damage. In this case it was the trouble over him that was to blame for the instability. There had to be something he could do about that.
Take it apart down to the very basic parts of it. "Why were you so angry at him?" he asked.
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:48 am
A little of the shame in admitting why he lost it was mitigated by the contact and it was easier to look at the way he'd behaved in a logical sort of way. As always the Rep that existed during a fight or when anger was the fuel he was running on felt like someone else in the cold light of day.
"I think I was so angry because he still felt like a threat, like he thought he'd gotten away with it somehow." He rested his arm across Jordan's back and shoulders, a subtle combination of possessive and seeking reassurance. "Sometimes with people I like, I just get this feeling." he ventured "Like when I meet someone I usually know right away if I like them or I don't and that first like intuition thing's not usually wrong. With him I keep feeling like no matter how much he says he isn't interested in you - he is."
He rubbed his temple with his free hand. "I know I would have denied how I felt about you at first if someone had asked me, it wouldn't make it not true." Drawing a line between himself and Ro had been the easiest way for Rep to think of a game plan. It just hadn't left many options - in the same position, he would have been a danger to whoever Jordan was with instead of him. The spar was almost self defence, strike first before he could be struck.
"I had to make it clear, and the best way that was available at the time was that spar. I didn't even think that would have worked, it wouldn't have worked on me."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:57 am
Jordan studied Rep's expression as he spoke, watching the little cues and shifts of expression, listening to his tone as much as his wording; Rep was uncertain, ashamed, covering a lack of confidence with pride now that the anger had ebbed away. But he was being honest, searching and admitting his feelings.
"Why do you feel like he's a threat?" he asked gently.
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 6:15 am
"Because he's good looking, because he's a nice guy, because he has a sense of humour and no matter how hard I try I can't find anything I have that he doesn't." It was agony to admit it, his insecurities were far from an unknown factor but putting words around it was awful. He had felt attractive and powerful for a little while, but satisfaction in his own skin was directly linked to confidence, with his confidence rattled all the things he loathed, like the scars, the freckles, the stupid uneven nose, were all a hundred times more acutely felt. Ro would never put Jordan in the situations Rep did either, he wasn't a problem needing a solution. He'd know how to do gifts and pleasantness, how to easily joke and relax. He wouldn't demand everything and give what felt like nothing in return. Rep couldn't even think of the things the people closest to him liked.
"I know you say you aren't interested and I want to believe that. I try to. It's just hard when like, logically I can't see why it'd be me over him. I mean he's probably ******** closeted, but in a cute naive way rather than like ******** bigot who still can't even say the ******** word for what he is kind of way." Again just the flash of a fin of that ever lurking anxiety that somehow he just wasn't gay enough. That there was some threshold of daintiness, of femininity he didn't meet, that he was somehow still lacking.
"And the longer this relationship feels like everything I ever wanted to be happy, the more and more ******** afraid I get that its time is numbered. And at this point I don't think I could handle it if I lost it. Anyone threatening it is like.. its like they have a knife to my throat. I know how to deal with threats like that."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 6:33 am
"You're good-looking, you have a sense of humor - nice guy, maybe not so much, but if I wanted a nice guy I wouldn't be with you and Harrison," Jordan said, with a small, wry quirk to his mouth. "I think I'd get bored."
He sighed, leaned against Rep's side. "I acknowledge that Ro's a good-looking guy, I mean, I've got eyes, yeah, but I already have what I want. You've got an energy and drive that nobody else does. And you understand me. You understand me, hell, you can break me." He shifted a little in response to the water washing sand from beneath his feet, adjusting his balance. "And you still want me around. That's not - anything I've ever had. Nor is it anything I expect to find again."
He looked out over the ocean again, sounding a little unsteady. "I'm with you, and with Harrison, and I keep my promises. I hope you like me, because you're pretty much stuck with me."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 7:24 am
There was an unbidden twist of a smile at Jordan admitting he'd probably get bored with a nice guy, Rep couldn't help the snicker that followed either. It was a relief to hear it said, all the various attempts other people had been making to help him fix the more problematic aspects of his nature had left him better off as a hunter but uncertain as a person.
The smile froze just a little however at the agreement Ro was a good looking guy, talons of jealousy clenching in his gut. It made him mentally bristle, but was short lived, receding along with the waves as Jordan went on. He remembered Jordan confiding that people always expected so much of him, remembered the discussion about how people built walls around themselves to keep other people out. He'd never felt there was any barriers between them both so couldn't fully understand how other people perceived him, or how unique their relationship actually was. "I don't know how other people can't." he said quietly, once again hitting a place where words didn't want to reflect the depth of his meaning. "To me you've just always been you."
He turned just enough to kiss Jordan's throat, his voice low and ragged, smiling faintly as he added "And I don't just like you." He let the rest of the sentence finish itself in the pause he left.
"But yeah man, I like. Didn't mean to go out of my way and ******** Ro up. And I don't intend to again - but he's not talking to anyone as it is."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 8:31 am
"Nobody else sees that," Jordan said. "I don't let them. I never have. Harrison - he accepts me anyway. But you see right through me. I don't know how, but I need that. I need you." He leaned his head against Rep's, breath catching briefly at the kiss.
He was quiet for a few more seconds. Then he added, "I do want to be able to goof off with friends without worrying you'll get jealous. Can you believe me, that I'm not looking to replace you? That I won't, and couldn't?"
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:00 am
For the first time in days Rep was finally able to see clearly how absurd he'd been being. There was a clarity of emotion that set him at ease. He still wasn't sure about Ro's motives - the other hunter still felt like he had to find himself somehow, but finally Rep was reassured that if he did find himself, it wouldn't be with Jordan as anything more than a friend. "And I need you too, that's the root of all this." He gave Jordan's shoulder a squeeze before relaxing against him again. "I didn't want to do any of this to make things complicated for you."
His tone lightened perceptibly as he nodded."And aye. You have my word, I believe you. I do. I can't promise that I won't get well..twitchy when people get touchy and grabby, that's just..how I am. But I can promise you I won't maim them for it. I won't hold it against them beyond that moment. I won't get in the way of you having fun."
His usual lazily self satisfied smirk returned. "And if I do, however accidentally, you have my full blessing to yank the chain and point it out."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:19 am
"I know you didn't. I trust you." Jordan's arm tightened possessively around Rep's waist. The corner of his mouth tipped up. "I won't expect you not to get twitchy. That'd be unreasonable. I will hold you to the no maiming thing, but that's all."
His smile turned slightly wicked. "I swear I should get a leash."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:45 am
"Good." he said, "That, I can do. If people get maimed it will be for the usual reasons. Not these ones." he couldn't help but smile while he said it, if he had his way no one other than the monsters would be getting maimed, sparring injuries would be nothing but accidental.
Somewhere along the way he'd gone from hugging across Jordan's shoulders to practically being draped on them. "I should object, but the thing about a leash is I'd not be the only one who couldn't get away."
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:49 am
"Good." Jordan chuckled. "Just the usual kind of maiming. I can live with that."
His smirk expanded. "Who said anything about getting away?"
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