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 Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 3:00 pm
Name: Alistair Holmes
Nickname: Al, “Sherlock” by people who think they’re terribly clever
Age: 17
Birthday: September 30
Sign: Libra
Gemstone: Emerald
Blood Type: AB+
Fav. Food: Sushi. As wierd as raw fish sounds, it is amazingly delicious.
Hated Food: Cold pizza. Seriously, that's gross, pop it in the microwave.
School: Azure Valley Academy
Hobbies:
Theater || Alistair never feels more comfortable than when he's on the stage, and he absolutely loves being in a starring role. He prefers classical theater, but he's not entirely opposed to acting in more modern works. He loves playing a character and truly getting into his or her head, and he tends to use what he "learns" this way to better his understanding of the people around him.
Mysteries || Alistair loves to write them, read them, and act them out. He prefers fair-play mysteries, so that he can attempt to figure out the solution before it's officially revealed. He tends to keep his own written ones close to the chest, since he doesn't consider himself all that good of a writer. He also tends to follow well-publicized cases very closely, and elements of them often make their way into his stories. Along with his love of hearing and writing about mysteries, he is part of a DC Mystery Club, a group that gathers to discuss local cases. Especially recently, they have plenty to discuss!
Arthurian Legends || Not so much a hobby as an obsession. Alistair inherited this one from his parents, both intense scholars of Arthurian myth. From a young age, he was fascinated and captivated by tales of brave, chivalrous knights doing great deeds. He loves to read the stories, research the potential real history behind it, and watch all of the movies based on the legends. So much as mention them and it's like an on-switch; Alistair will immediately turn into something very closely bordering on a squeeing fanboy. It's a little embarrassing. He can usually be found carrying a copy of Le Morte D'Arthur or some other collection of tales.
Virtues:
Chivalrous || Both of Alistair's parents are Arthurian scholars, and from a young age he was raised with the rules of chivalry and politeness. He treats women with politeness and respect, but works very hard not to cross the line where it becomes condescending. He is also fairly polite to jut about everyone, and considers himself extremely honorable. A promise from Alistair is a promise for life, and he will never go back on his word.
Romantic || Alistair is a flirt, but he is the most suave sort. He is also intensely romantic, the type to shower his partner in spontaneous chocolates and roses, set up romantic evenings, and otherwise act like an utterly fantastic boyfriend. Charm comes to him as easily as breathing, but he will not flirt more intensely unless he is actually interested.
Observant || Alistair is no mind reader, but he's generally pretty good at reading body language and figuring out how people are feeling. He can pick up fairly quickly on situations. He's also fairly good at noticing small details in his environment, and the more familiar he is with someone or somewhere, the better he is at it.
Screw The Rules, I’m Doing What’s Right || Alistair is not afraid to ignore rules, laws, and orders if he feels that the “right thing to do” is contradictory to them. He has very strong convictions, and a very firm dichotomy between what he believes is right and what he believes is wrong. He will always stand up for what he believes in and have a friend's back.
Flaws:
It's Not That You're Less Per Se... || Alistair barely acknowledges it, but his gentlemanliness and obsession with chivalric romances have instilled in him a very subtle form of sexism. He tends to underestimate women, perceiving them as damsels in distress meant to be saved. It's not something he'd ever, ever say out loud, but it tends to leak out in his behavior-he won't fight a girl because it's not a fair fight, he'd place himself between any girl and a threat, even if she was demonstrably stronger than him, et cetera.
Hard-Headed || No, Alistair is not going to change his mind. No, not even if you argue with him for hours and hours. He has very deep-set convictions, and he is not likely to change his beliefs. This can be very frustrating, because he absolutely refuses to admit that he's wrong, he'll just stop arguing with you.
Screw The Rules, I’m Doing What’s Right || This becomes a flaw in that even though Alistair follows his convictions, it is generally not a good idea to ignore orders from superiors, bosses, teachers, parents, etc in order to do so, and it tends to get him in trouble or make him look like a loose cannon. He has gotten into arguments with teachers for the sake of his friends and cut class because someone needed help.
Slow To Anger, Slow To Forgive || Alistair is not an easy person to upset. He's fairly decent at shrugging off most bullying and insults, and will let a lot slide. However, the best way to get him really, truly furious is by doing something that contradicts his beliefs. Bullying someone weaker or being a hypocrite are the two best ways to get on his bad side, and once you're there, you are there forever.
PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION
Eyes: Green, almond shaped
Hair: Black, just past his shoulderblades in length, and usually worn in a low ponytail with accompanying jagged bangs.
Face: Round face, with a smattering of freckles on his cheeks.
Clothes: Azure Valley uniform
When out of uniform, Alistair tends to dress fairly nicely, even if he's just going for a walk. He likes to feel well-dressed and well-tended.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 3:01 pm
 Senshi: Sailor Tantalus, Dark Mirror Senshi of Temptation
Challenge: “Let me lead you into temptation!”
Fuku Colour:
Main Color: Scarlet
Secondary Color: Deep purple
Fuku:
Art by II Little China DoLL II
Collar -- Traditional sailor collar
Bow -- Dangly ties on the collar, a scarlet sash
Bodice -- A Rennaissance-esque shirt with a scarlet sheer tunic-style overlay; tunic is attached to the collar
Sleeves -- Long and full, closed around the wrist
Brooch -- Round
Bottoms -- Long pants, in scarlet, tucked into his boots
Tiara -- Traditional
Choker -- Scarlet scarf
Shoes – Soft leather boots, black, with purple laces
Gloves -- Scarlet wrist-length gloves
Accessories -- Silver bracers
Attacks:
Sailor Scout Attack: Tease!
Sailor Tantalus holds out his hands and speaks the name of the attack, and an illusory apple forms in his hands. He tosses it at one enemy, whom it will bounce off, and the enemy will feel extremely tempted to chase after it, creating an excellent distraction. It will always roll away from Sailor Tantalus. However, at this stage it is very easy to simply shrug off, and the enemy will be able to reorient themselves within about twenty seconds.
Super Sailor Scout Attack: Tantalize!
Sailor Tantalus can now summon up to two apples at once, and therefore affect two enemies, and the effect lasts for twenty-five seconds. At this stage, it is also harder to ignore.
Eternal Sailor Attack: Final Temptation!
Sailor Tantalus summons another illusory apple, but this time, when he tosses it, it simply rolls to the ground and comes to a halt. It is visible to everyone on the battlefield, but only effects those in a ten-foot diameter of it. Anyone within that radius will become overwhelmingly tempted to have the apple and take a bite, and the desire/urge is so intense that it can cause multiple people to fight* to posses it.
If someone succeeds in getting the apple and takes a bite, they will immediately be overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt and remorse for their actions for the remainder of the attack. This attack lasts for a total of forty-five seconds in effects and aftereffects.
*fighting cannot be lethal, cannot use magic attacks, and is up to the player to decide if they would rather argue/debate/tackle/punch/kick the apple away from the other person/wrestle/lay on top of it, etc
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 3:12 pm
Family
Glenn Holmes, father - 45 years old, a fairly well-known Arthurian scholar. He works as a professor at DCU, but does his best to make plenty of time for the family. He is a very caring man, if a bit prone to rambling about his passion for all sorts of legends.
Sorcha Holmes, nee Blackwood, mother - 43 years old, an Arthurian scholar as well known as her husband. She is a stay-at-home mom, and continues her scholarly pursuits as a hobby. She inherited a large sum of money from her grandfather, a famous author, which helps support her family. She is utterly devoted to her two children, and demands plenty of "family time."
Blair Holmes, sister - 12 years old, Alistair's little sister. The siblings have a fairly good relationship, if frustrating at times. Blair is fairly smart and rather precocious, and never afraid to simply walk up to someone and ask them all sorts of questions.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 3:14 pm
Okay, that should be everything I need...so open for crits c:
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Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2012 10:02 pm
-nudges this up-
Considering changing his Eternal attack, because, well, right now it's fun, but a little bit weak.
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Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 10:50 am
Look, there's art now!
I'd like to see if I can figure out something better for his Eternal attack. Suggestions? :3
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Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 12:00 pm
Posted for crit/stamp. :3
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 4:00 pm
Hi, Song!
First of all, I am terribly biased and am so happy to see that you are questing for a Dark Mirror Senshi! You seem to have the groundwork for a very interesting character, so I hope anything I have to offer will be of use in further fleshing out your character and pushing him closer to being stamped!
Starting with the civilian, I would like to give a little warning; while I can see where you've made this character unique, I do see a lot of ties in how someone might argue this is a little close to a cosplay. The 'Sherlock/Holmes' aspect is what started the whole thing for me, and while I can justify "Oh, well his last name is Holmes, of course Sherlock would be a nickname by that sort of friend"—and naturally any friend with an interest in detective work would also warrant the nickname Sherlock. But then, I confess, I started looking for other ties and did stretch the lines [ie, 'well Sherlock was brilliant in disguise and used to act while undercover—that's similar to theater, right'?]
SO. If this was accidental or not, there's still a quick fix! If you can fluff up the parts about Alistair that make him unique, I think you're in the clear!
Hobbies:
Theater: Looks good to me! I think this is a good hobby if he is going to be involved in detective work since playing the role of someone else can sometimes help you 'think' like someone else. It's also a very social hobby and I'm sure there are many people in DC who would love to share a stage with him!
Mystery Stories: This looks good! [Does he aspire to be a published mystery author one day? Does he share his stories or keep them private?]
Arthurian Legends: This seems like it could be fun! However, at present I am trying to think of how you can use this as a hobby. Certainly he can indulge himself in Arthurian Legends (I can't wait for him to meet the Earth Knights that are based off of Arthurian Legends xD) but how can this be a social hobby? Or would it come out only occasionally? His theater, mystery stories, and detective work I can see as being hobbies that he can actually do something with, but I just want to know how he makes this a hobby.
Gardening: This is the only one of his hobbies that seems a little out of place. It's fine if you want to keep it, but I would love to see some expansion on this. Theater, mystery stories, Arthurian legends and detective work all tie in either with each other or with other aspects of his personality, though gardening, I can't really tie with anything. How passionate is he about gardening? Is it just a chore? Does he want to be a botanist or does he just enjoy landscaping?
Amateur Detective Work: Right now, this doesn't read so much as doing detective work to me as being an avid fan of public cases. When I think of doing amateur detective work, I think of actually going out and collecting the evidence—being a sleuth, doing the hard labor. I think you could almost mesh this hobby with 'mystery stories' and just label the whole hobby as 'Mysteries'. However! Who is to say he couldn't actually do some amateur detective work? Maybe he could be involved in a Mystery Club? I think that would be a good way to keep him social, give him people to RP with, explore all of his hobbies (he could share his mystery stories, talk to others about mysteries, hypothesize about public cases—and maybe even set up some sleuth work of their own!)
Virtues:
Chivalrous: Very nice! (And I like how the Arthurian legends have impacted his personality and beliefs! This makes him seem more realistic to me!)
Romantic: I would be careful with the phrase 'he tends to charm as easily as breathing' because it makes it sound like no one can resist him. If you reworded it, 'Charm comes to him as easily as breathing' I think it would alleviate that issue while still giving the overall impression that, man that guy is something.
Observant: Here is where the 'Sherlock' thing kind of got me. I would be more comfortable if you excluded any mention of Sherlock beyond the initial nickname, but if you think it is really important to include Sherlock as reference, then we can try and work something else out. I think you would be all right just to say that he is observant and to explain how it is a virtue. IE; He can't read minds, but he can read body language, which makes it easy for him to communicate with others. Does his observance extend beyond just people?
Screw The Rules, I’m Doing What’s Right: I think that this is a very interesting virtue, and both ties in and conflicts with his chivalrous virtue (just a bit!) Chivalrous makes me think of knightly, and knightly makes me think of 'explicitly good guy', so to hear that he is willing to break the rules makes me a little hesitant—how far is he willing to break the rules? And I would love to see if you could expand on this as a virtue—ie, 'you know he'll stand up for what he believes in' or 'he'll always have your back' or something that just highlights why this is a GOOD trait for him to have.
Flaws:
Would Not Hit A Girl: This might get him into a lot of trouble! The vast majority of powered characters are females, which is going to be a huge problem when they're mercilessly wailing on him and he won't stand up to them! Now, if this is your intention, just be aware that this will be very dangerous for him in his powered form, and probably not of much use in his civilian form. I don't think he has a personality that's going to have him getting into a lot of fights while not powered up. Now, if you'd like (and this is just a suggestion! If you really like this flaw and think it's really important to his character, we can work on that!) maybe it could be tweaked to be reflect on a sort of subtle sexism? Alistair perceives himself to be a gentleman and is obsessed with Arthurian legend—maybe he underestimates girls? He thinks of them as damsels in distress and not up to his level (and wouldn't hit them because it wasn't a fair fight?). I just think it's difficult to have this as a flaw because I don't think it is widely applicable in a large number of scenarios.
Hard-headed: This really does sound like something that could be a good flaw, except for the last part. I feel like the addition of him grudgingly admitting to being wrong kind of takes away from the flaw aspect. I'd like to hear about how his hard-headedness affects relationships or makes him a hard person to deal with. What sorts of things is he stubborn about? What is he willing to fight about? How does this affect his gentlemanliness?
Screw The Rules, I’m Doing What’s Right: Here you do a good job of pointing out the downside of this trait! Maybe here would be a good place to note how far he would go/has gone? Has he hurt authority figures? How does he justify his actions to them? Does he even bother to try?
Slow To Anger, Slow To Forgive: For this one, I'd like to know what sort of things one would have to do for Alistair to dislike you? And what sorts of things comes with 'being his enemy for life'? How does he treat people he dislikes? And if you want to add that he might eventually forgive you, what sorts of things would you have to do to earn forgiveness?
Conclusion:
The thing I notice about your flaws is that you've written some of them in such a way that there is a counter that detracts from their quality. For example, with hard-headed, you say 'he's stubborn but can eventually be moved' or with slow to anger, slow to forgive, 'Once he dislikes you, you're enemies for life but he might forgive you later'. I think that the important thing to remember is that these are things that show the negatives you to your character and shouldn't have a sort of 'quick fix'. When I'm writing profiles, it helps me to look at virtues and flaws and consider all aspects of it: First, what is the trait? Second, why does he have this trait? Third, what makes this trait positive (virtue) or negative (flaw)? Fourth, how does it affect him or others and what are the consequences of the trait? Fifth, is this a trait that can be applied in a number of situations?
ALL RIGHT! I'm sorry this is getting so long! I know that sometimes really long critique can sometimes be intimidating, so I want to take the time to let you know now that even though I've left a lot of commentary, I'm loving Alistair right now. I haven't seen anything particularly conflicting or outright 'wrong' with anything, but I'd just love to have some more information about him so that I can get a better idea of how you intend to play him—and how I can try to help you get the most out of this!
The only thing left is the powered side!
Quick notes: He looks gorgeous, and I loooove the idea of temptation as a sphere. Tantalus is a very fitting name!
His attacks look good to me, so if you are happy with them as is, feel free to ignore the ideas I want to toss out to you here! My only worry is that they might be too weak (they seem fitting of a chibi senshi to me, so I don't want you to wind up with a character that is at a disadvantage). Ten seconds is very little time, so I think you could bump that up to twenty seconds. Similarly, for his second attack, I think two apples and twenty five seconds would work, and three apples at thirty seconds would be acceptable and of more use to him!
I know you mentioned wanting to change his eternal attack, though--if that is still too weak for you, I can try to come up with some potential alternative. I know I'm leaving you with a lot of words, so if you have any questions, please feel free to quote me and I'll come back to clarify or help in any way I can! If you make any changes and want me to look over them, a quote will work for that, too!
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 5:04 pm
Number one, thank you for taking the time to crit my quest! It was a lot, but it was all helpful, and I hope I've mad him a bit better. I've tweaked him a bit as per your suggestions. I didn't even mean to make him THAT MUCH like the original Sherlock; oh god what did I even. XD If you see anything else I need to tweak, please let me know!
As to his attacks, I really would like to make his Eternal a little different. I'm clearly out of ideas, so I'd love to hear what you have to suggest!
Thanks again for your crit <3
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Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 1:59 pm
It has absolutely been my pleasure! (And I think the Sherlock thing was mostly just me poking around trying to make sure he was still perceived as being Alistair and not Sherlock—and I read over his civilian form again trying to think of anything I could nitpick at, but everything reads smoothly to me and I'm really excited to see him when he gets played!)
So far as eternal attack goes, I think we can try a few different routes, though I'm not quite sure how the temptation sphere could make for a good offensive attack. I think it works well for distraction, though. A simple definition for temptation is "A desire to do something, esp. something wrong or unwise," though I think that an attack that utilizes temptation could very easily drift into the realm of god-moding (ie, 'the magic tempts your character to do x').
I've spent a good while trying to think of things to suggest for this sphere and realized rather quickly that it is difficult! [Seriously, I think I've spent a few hours trying to think about it and ended up settling on 'man, those apples are sounding pretty good 8D;;] But! After long contemplation, I was wondering if you'd like to stick with the apple theme?
The attack I had in mind would be something like:Quote: Tantalus summons another illusory apple, but this one is different and doesn't bounce away when he tosses it; it is visible to all opponents on the playing field, but only affects those within a ten foot radius of where the apple lands. The apple is exceptionally tempting and an overwhelming sensation of craving/desire to sink their teeth into it appears in all opponents within the ten foot radius of the apple to the point that two or more players will actively fight* to gain possession of the apple. If an opponent reaches the apple and takes a bite out of it like they have been tempted to do; they are filled with overwhelming grief and remorse for their actions for the remainder of the attack [which could probably last from 30-45 seconds]. *fighting cannot be lethal, cannot use magic attacks, and is up to the player to decide if they would rather argue/debate/tackle/punch/kick the apple away from the other person/wrestle/lay on top of it, etc
Which still needs a little refining, but I figure the apple being tempting to multiple people would serve for a larger distraction, making it still more powerful than his super attack but still keeping with the apple theme. If there is more than one person, then they can fight for the apple [I think that 'fight' can be taken in a very vague way since it would give the player many options for how to have their character respond to temptation without being too OP]. If there is only one person there when Tantalus uses this attack, then they can still be tempted, except by biting into the apple as they had been tempted, they are immediately met with the after-effects of temptation [the grief/regret/guilt that comes with having succumbed to temptation]
ANYWAY! That's what I've come up from :'D
I'm pretty sure I went way too into suggesting things and trying to explain my reasoning behind why I think it would work but my word, temptation is a hard sphere!
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Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 2:19 pm
Haha I wasn't expecting to be able to make him an offensive senshi at all; he's got a sphere that, while I love it, I have been staring at his attacks for so long trying to come up with something...
That being said, I actually love your suggestion! A fun mass-distraction attack seems perfect, and I like that if someone finally does get their hands on it, terrible guilt ensues.
Thank you so much for your help! <3 I really, really, really appreciate you taking the time to do this and I apologize for the frustration of trying to come up with an attack for me XD;;
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:25 pm
[I might gripe, but I actually really did enjoy trying to come up with attacks--and I really enjoyed his profile, so I definitely hope to see him get made soon! xD]
And with that being said...
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:48 pm
This looks good and pretty much stampable to me I just wanted clarification on one last thing.
The way the powers are written down it appears he can only do each power once in a battle since you didn't specify and amount. Would you like to stick with just once per battle?
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 1:26 pm
Yup, they'd only be useable once per battle. :3
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Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 1:30 pm
Alright, you are ACCEPTED
Best of luck getting him!
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Reply
