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HAH. I knew it. We're all normal.


The commentators additions are in quotations/brackets. So read carefully.


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"If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone
astray from the Lord.

Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure [Not that obscure!] and often dangerous
culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic
culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil,
darkness, and violence [kind of like certain types of Christianity]. Please
seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance
to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following
are applicable to your child [Four or less and it's okay, or something]:

-Frequently wears black clothing.
[Everyone in New York City is a Goth, as are mimes and puppeteers!]

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
[As you can infer, even NON-rock bands are Goth.]

-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
[But how much is too much?]

-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed
crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping
symbols.
[It is well known that the ancient Egyptians worshipped Satan. Note: Odd
jewelry only counts if it's silver.]

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
["Hey, awesome Jesus tattoo. ...Oh s**t, now I'm a Goth."]

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson
claims to be the an ti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please
discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
[I wonder what the other "anti-social" genres are.]

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
[So like... everybody I know.]

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible,
prayer, church or sports.
[Sports are automatically wholesome? What about football, where the boys are
always patting each other's butts and showering with each other? Actually,
don't they shower together in most sports?]

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult,
witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
[Yo. Real witches don't believe in Satan.]

-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
[Because the rich Christian kids at the private Christian school near my
house totally aren't known all over the Metro area for selling drugs and
drinking excessively.]

-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
[No, no. Goths pretend to be depressed and suicidal for attention.]

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a
Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love.
Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health
center.)
[I'm sure some folks on my list will be surprised to learn that their
cutting is actually a Satanic ritual. Hey, didn't some saints see pain and
torture as holy? I'm not up on my twisted Catholic logic. Maybe it only
counts if someone else is doing it.]

-Complains of boredom.
[....]

-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
[If you sleep just the right amount, you're safe!]

-Is excessively awake during the night.
[Insomniac=Goth.]

-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires
promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
[That WAS what that vampire told me that one time.]

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
[What's an unusual amount, I'd like to know? This seems really odd for
teenagers!]

-Spends large amounts of time alone.
[What are "large amounts"?]

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to
evil sprits through meditation.)
[Okay, haven't we said about the same thing here three times? I think we get
it. I'm not even dignifying the meditation slam with a remark.]

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
[All the normal teens think it's swell to have dear old dad hang around at
the sock hop.]

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a
few examples of this.
[No, no, that's punks.]

-Misbehaves at school.
[Jocks who beat up geeks=Goth.]

-Misbehaves at home.
[Everybody=Goth.]

-Eats excessively or too little.
[...I was unaware that this was a Goth trait. I'm intrigued.]

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
[Oh, now, come on. I wonder if anyone really believes that people that eat
Count CHOCULA cereal (let's at least get the name right -- unless there's
some cool Count Dracula cereal I don't know about! "Now with marshmallow
clots!") are Goths and therefore Satanists. If I eat Fruity Pebbles does
that mean I'm Wilma Flintstone? If I eat Organic HempPlus Granola does that
make me a goddamn hippie? Well, yes.]

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood.
(Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous
and should be stopped immediately.)
[Aw, come on. Don't you know that stuff on Jerry Springer is fake? (Yes, I
know there are people who really do like drinking blood.)]

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your
local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
[What are the "other corrupted media sources"? Or rather, are there
NON-corrupted media sources? I thought Fox News was okay for these people.]

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
[Role-playing is of the devil!]

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
[Nerd/everyone I know=Goth.]

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
[But they're saying "I love you" in sign language!]

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
[Yeah, those Goths with their stupid sexy dancing!]

-Expresses an interest in sex.
[Average Human=Goth.]

-Masturbates
[Goths wrote the book on masturbating, man. Also, I think we have more of an
explanation for the thrice-mentioned "private time" criterion.]

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
[(Do I have to say it?) Gay or Bi=Goth.]

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology,
Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
[Um. Philosophy is not a cult religion; it's a generally useless college
major. Hinduism and Buddhism? NOT CULTS. Methinks someone's jealous of the
vast numbers of Buddhists and Hindus. I gotta agree on the Scientology, but
I'm shocked that "Darwinism" (now it's a religion!) isn't listed. Then
again, I do seem to be under the impression that Catholics are more likely
to accept evolution.]

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases:
"I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
["I'm a Goth" is a ******** clever-a** button, dude.]

-Claims to be a goth.
[Well, there you go, then.]

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately.
The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these
problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.
~St. Mary's Catholic Church"
["Enlist"?]

In conclusion, we are all Goths. Now, go have your parents enlist you at the
local mental health center!


gonk oh the stupidity.... gonk

I read that a while back, and nearly fell off my chair (er..upturned suitcase I'm using because I'm a poor just-out-of-college type person) laughing so hard.

Especially the "Count Dracula"...wow.

I dress "gothic" sometimes because I like the look...but most goth kids I know are annoying. They try WAY too hard to be depressed, and it's kinda sad that they don't enjoy life for what it is.

~*~ Giggles hystarically ~*~ Wow.. I knew people could be ignorant and such.. But still... This just reminds me of how I laugh at the obsessive Christian/Catholic peoples.

@ everyone; I'm glad that we all think atleast semi alike. and your answers are pretty much what I was thinking... So I shall not repeat them, for yours and my fingers sakes... xp

I think it's actually a pamphlet written by nuns. As for the self-inflicting pain, yes it's fact. It's actually what started monastaries and monks, for the most part.

Really late for work now. *runs*

I could swear I've seen that posted in the chatterbox before

*giggles inanely*

Oh, just for clarification, I didn't write the comments. I got this forwarded from a friend of mine (though I'm not sure if she's the one that did the comments or not). Don't want to take credit for something I didn't do. Though I think they're awesome. 3nodding

I have country music band t-shirts....that means I'm a gothic country girl, right?

You know how people can pat their head, and rub their tummy at the same time? I, apparently, can laugh insanely, and roll my eyes to the point of retinal detachment at the same time.

Good artical, I believe I will share it with my friends on LiveJournal.
I'm sure they should know that they are all Goths, and not the various nerds, geeks, losers, depressives, students, computer programing, agoraphobic, make-up artists that all seem to think they are. Besides, time to pick up some of the slack on some of the things they should be doing on that list to be a true Goth! After all we can't disappoint the nuns.

Excuse me while I go and try to figure out some way to go to the bathroom without getting damned.