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Hi kids. I wrote this opening in early October (in fact, it was the last thing I wrote before I met my ex and then didn't write for months) after I bumped into the first girl I ever fell for in a whitegoods store. She snubbed me, but later explained she was having problems with her boyfriend who was also there. Anyway, it's a problematic piece for me, because I like a lot of the small details, the descriptions especially and her fiance vs. the washing machine, but as a whole it just doesn't read right to me. It feels pace wise totally ******** up, as if it's moving to quickly or something. What do you think? Call me on my cellphone or just reply here.

Peace, HnL.

The Problem.

The problem begins for Gemma when, with her fiance in a whitegoods store surrounded by washing machines, she sees Stanley, the boy who had once loved her, the young man who had once proposed, the sobbing animal she had guiltily rejected, with a Japanese girl surrounded by televisions, together whispering frantically. There are two seconds where she allows herself to look, before snapping her gaze back to the front load washer her fiance had opened up and is sticking his arm in, perhaps examing something technical, perhaps just wanting to look like he is. He spins the chamber inside with his flat, curving palm, like a hamster in a wheel, then let it spin on its own till the momentum stops.
"What do you think?" she asks, quick to look interested in him.
"Seems OK. Spins well anyway."
He stands up and looks it all around, leaning over the top to scope its secret side. Gemma is suddenly scared her mother was right: he really is too tall.
"Maybe we should call a salesman over." she suggests.
"Usually we have to fend them away." he resigns, standing straight again. "Hey!" he clicks his fingers at a young man wearing a tie carrying a box. The man puts the box down somewhere where nobody would think to trip on it then walks over.
"I'll do the talking." says her fiance.
"I'll do it."
"You're too soft, I want a discount."
"You're a man, you're less likely to get one."
"What are you going to do, flirt with him?"
"I'm going to be nice to him, that's all - don't look at me like that."
"I'll do the talking."
"Shh, he's here."
Her fiance steps in front of her and starts talking. The salesman talks back - they are pointing at things and saying things. Her fiance nods a lot, it's obvious he's not taking anything in to her, but the salesmans hasn't lived with him for five months, so to him he's sincere.
"Gemma."
She turns around. Stanley is standing behind her, with his arm around the Japanese girl, who could be Chinese of Korean, she really doesn't know.
"I thought it was you Gemma. It's nice to see you - your hair looks good like that, I like the blond bits, it frames your face well."
"Hi Stanley." she says finally.
Stanley smiles.
"This is Heidi."
"Hi Heidi."
Heidi smiles.
"Hi Gemma. It's good to meet you."
"Likewise" to Stanley "My fiance is standing behind me trying to understand washing machines."
Stanley looks over her shoulder.
"What's to understand? Put the clothes in, turn it on, it works. Unless your fiance has learning difficulties, then - "
"My fiance is a bio-chemistry student."she cuts.
"It's a pity he wasn't an engineering student then."he replies just a little too quickly. That same smug smile, but not smug enough to be a smug smile, just a normal smile, polite even, that you still want to hit with a stick. Heidi says nothing, just looks around like an air-head, at the birds she must be imagining flying around the store. She hates this type of person: the mini-skirt despite the cool wind, the knee high socks, every item of clothing seeming to point straight to her arse. Stanley squeezes Heidi's arm and she stops looking around and looks at Gemma instead.
"This is my fiance." he says. Heidi blinks a moment, as if she has to run this through her memory banks, and there is a delay, and then smiles.

"Gem, I think we should get this one, it's hella tight." says her fiance behind her, and this is when the problem starts.


"He seemed nicer then you said." says her fiance when he is on their couch, and Gemma is looking out the window at her own reflection.
"I never said he wasn't a nice guy, just an annoying one."
Her fiance shrugs, and slides back so his giant feet sit on the arm-rests, all pink like a newborn baby, the noxious discarded shells of shoes sitting safely outside on the porch.
"Well, you seem pretty annoyed I guess. I don't know what he did wrong really - I liked his shirt."
"Did you see the girl he was with?"
"Yeah. So?"
"So? ********, Andrew, she was dressed like pornstar trying to dress like a schoolgirl."
By this point he has covered his eyes with a pillow and the only movement she sees in the reflection is of his oddly angled mouth, like a muppet maybe, or a hole you might try to hit a golfball into.
"In a denim skirt? Come on, you're just hating for the sake of hating now. What's it matter what she was wearing, or even if she was wearing anything - " mouth, flapping, "why should it effect you? That's what I'd like to know."
She turns around and looks at him; he may as well be asleep now he's not talking. Dead even, but he breathes.
"It shouldn't. It doesn't."
"Doesn't sound like it doesn't."
She walks over and lifts the pillow from his face. He blinks a few times and looks at her, then smiles.

Hm. You know I think it might just be I introduce four important characters and the primary conflicts in very rapid succession. If I spend more time introducing the primary Gemma/fiance relationship, then introduce the other (mirroring) characters, it might work better. But then, I like the fact you see very little of the fiance to begin with... ah well, I'll give it a try.