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Zemblanity Insomnia Captain
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 Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:50 am
т.ν. ѕтαтιση
Yes, yes – Nirvani Island, after so many years, finally found people willing to fund it's very own television station, headed by their very own star reporter – Neil Murrow! Feeling that the residents of the island were probably all illiterate (the drop out rate of the schoolhouse spiked up a lot ever since a certain someone took control..), everyone in the old newspaper crew felt that the best way to get the news out to the world was through TELEVISION! Once the building was erected, however, a whole new slew of television series who were kicked off any reputable network came into their hands to up the viewers and entertain the most bored of watchers! There isn't much variety and, sure, the quality of it all could be better, but when you have some loosely related acquaintance over, why should one bother forcing small talk when they can turn this trash television on instead? Not to mention, anyone who can't afford daycare (or the daycare workers themselves) can always just flip a switch and get a free mechanical babysitter for their pesky children! So, without further ado, sit back and take a look at the TV guide to plan out your lifeless days!
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Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:52 am
Schedule
Weather Report: Is that big cloud in the sky going to make rain fall over your head? Maybe cool you off with some snow? Oh wait, it's not just a cloud, it's twenty of them! It's a hurricane! It's a storm! It's all at the same time! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Or are we? Tune in Every Monday to know what the weekly weather got for you!
News Report: What would be a TV Station without it's very own news? What is going on on the island currently? What are the Sonata planning? Any being events being planned? Any crime being planned? Worst! Any MASQUERADE being planned? For all your Nirvani Related information, tune in On the First Day of Every season! Special reports might also happen now and then.
The Long Long Talk Show: Due to high demand, our local Gossip Girl now has her very own talk show! Misha Longoria talks to you about everything and anything in this Variety Show. Tune in every Thursday Night to see what she has to say! And more importantly, about who!
Astro Jo-Jo Are you wondering what the future hold for you? Once a season, the great Genki Gaugo will reveal what the stars are hiding from you. Past, Present and Future hides nothing for him, and he will reveal it all to you, twice a season. Tune in every two Wednesday to know your horoscope! Maybe...
One Marriage, One Coma and One Murder: The critically acclaimed Soap Opera returns! One year after the disappearance of Marcus, everything seems to be returning to normal in the Von Chesters' family. However, the sudden return of a family member shake things up for the twin sister Chantalle and Chantelle who are about to get married. To make thing worst, the nun Helena Hoxford seems more crazy than usual. Something is in the air... is it the smell of love... or of blood? Stay tuned every Sunday to now more!
Cake or Death: Have you ever found yourself wishing that you had the amazing rush of watching some random person you don’t know making money?! Well now you can have that and so much more! From the people that brought you the great shows like So You Think You Can Churn Butter... and Are You Smarter Than A Weasel? Comes the new game show that tests not only your mind but your body, Cake or Death. Watch as people are pushed to the edge of their mental and physical capabilities every Saturday.
A Comprehensive History of Nirvani - Nirvani is a beautiful island, rich with culture and history. This biweekly special, ranked number one amongst the elderly and cats left home alone all day, will take you back through time and tell the stories of today's landmarks. Tune in every other Tuesday to partake in the celebration of Nirvani's heritage!
Decoration Disasters with Judgmental Sue - Do you think your house is boring? Messy? Downright hideous? Just wait until you see these homes! Join Susanne Susans, TV-executive-turned-design-expert, as she drops in on local homes and lets you know what she really thinks! Tune in every other Tuesday to see who she's critiquing this week! Who knows? Your house could be next!
Almighty Galaxy Squadron Five - Join our five heroes as they defend the earth and the Milky Way from Admiral Darkness and his evil forces! It's an action-packed adventure the entire family can enjoy! Tune in every Friday and join the fun!
Quarantine Wednesdays - Nirvani is an island full of diversity, beauty, evil, dangers, and that includes germs… diseases… virus and mutations! Join the germophobic Doctor Lucy as she investigates what's going on in the island! Tune in every two Wednesdays to find out what is plaguing Nirvani those days!
More to come~
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Zemblanity Insomnia Captain
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:15 am
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Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:56 am
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Veronica: It was October 26th. There was rain outside. It never stops raining in this rotten settlement. All the city folks were busy doing what they did best. For some, it was work. For others, it was gossips. Even some, a little more adventurous, it was sex Either way, everyone was busy and none were expecting the event that was about to happen.Of course, the news first spread throught the employees and patients at the City Hospital....
Shade to black. New scene. Hospital hall ways. The blonde and busty nurse Lindsay talks with handsome and equally blonde Dr. Thomas. With them is the elderly chairman of the hospital board, Filibert, as well as the resident bad boy, Bob the janitor.
Lindsay: It's a miracle!
Thomas: She only had one chance on ten!
Filibert: Who would have thought?!
Lindsay: As for I, I always believed it!
Bob: Oh, you! You would believe anything!
Thomas: Show some respect, please! And I'll have you know, that I had predicted it!
Bob: Oh, you! You would predict anything!
Filibert: Mister Baldwin! If I was you, I would silence myself before I...
Bob: And, you! You would do anything!
Filibert:... fire you.
Bob: I haven't said a thing. You are imagining it all. Bunch of crazies! All of you!
Thomas: Go sweep the floor a bit further where you wont bother anyone!
Bob: *Mumble, mumbles*
Lindsay: It's still quite wonderful isn't!? But I have to admit, I never would have thought that so many people would have been happy to see that Angelina and Brad were adopting another child!
Filibert: But, Lindsay! This has nothing to do with why everybody is so happy!
Lindsey: Ahh.... no?
Filibert: Of course not! No one deserve such a cruel fate! Poor children! I pity them all! Come, Lindsey, come with me to my office. I will explain everything to you... Thomas! Please call the concerned authorities
Thomas: Absolutely! I know some that will be rejoicing!
Bob: And me, some that will be less than trilled...
Fades to black.... Piano music, credit rolls....
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In the next episode of: Passion, Power and... Penne.
Clarice: It's a Disaster!
Cyril: It's an Abomination!
Chantalle: It's Marvellous!
Veronica (Voice Only): This is what Thomas has done....
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Zemblanity Insomnia Captain
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 1:01 am
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“HIIII, everyone!! It's so nice to see you!” She waved eagerly to the camera before turning on her totally bejeweled white boots, her red bob-cut bouncing as she went to point at the large map of Nirvani Island posted behind her. “Okay! SO, LIKE, you see this snowflake?” As the girl said that, she held a pretty, glittery snowflake up to the camera, so close that it was hard to see anything but a black smudge loosely shaped like said flake. After a second of the blurred atrocity, she yanked her hand back and slapped it over the island, proceeding to stick more and more and SO MUCH MORE snowflakes over it! “And you see how the island is like totally now covered in them?” She turned back to the screen, “THAT MEANS IT'S SNOWING! Like, O-M-G, isn't that so coool?! It's like the perfect time to snuggle up with your sweet darling and listen to music and light logs and O-M-G!” A squeal later and she wrapped her arms around herself, “THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST DAY EVER! BABY, I'm coming to WARM. YOU. UP! EEEEE~!!” With that scream, the girl darted off-screen and, predictably, the channel went to black.
Nirvani Island's weather will now be Snowy until further updates.
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Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:57 pm
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A spunky beat plays on the screen as various clips of our very own Misha Longaria talking to various people in her plush, velvety soft chair. Oh, yes, this stylish girl is back to you again in – The Long, Long Talk Show! For all the REAL news! ♥
Misha Longaria : HIIII, everyone! It's ME! AGAIN! I'm sure you guys have like SO SO SO missed me since my last appearance! Of course, I know all you loyal fans out there totally tune in for my weather reports, right? Right! I mean, it's so important to know what weather you're dressing for, after all! Anyway, like, as I'm about to saaaay.. Um, let's run down the show..? Or something? You guys so need to make the text bigger or something – ah! Better! T. Y.! ♥ Anyway, so, today we're going to go over the local gossip, the local COOL gossip, then we'll have our fashion tips, and, oh, our special guest! ♥ Tonight we're going to have Nanette Goldberg! Oooh, yes! It's gonna be like FABULOUS! Just keep watching until the end! (/wink)
Big bubble letters of silver and blue flash across the screen, spelling out On the STREETS
Misha Longaria : Okay! Okay! So, like, O-M-G, you GUYS! Guess what?! I SO saw our popular little artist June King THIS close to MAKING OUT with a guy!!! I KNOW RIGHT?! It's SO SO SO WEEEIIIIRRD! I mean, WE all suspected it, right? For those of you JUST tuning into the show, June has been our local closet case for YEARS. He's so deep in it's been on and off for, like, ever on whether he's actually there or not! Some days we hear he's straight, sometimes a phonecall tells us he's so not, and then there's days where he's like, in between! But then he denies it and we're just left all, 'WHAAAAT?' It's been SO annoying, but, it looks like MY eye witness account totally solves that mystery! Plus, he's living with his lover! Anyone seen that spicy redhead leaving his house every morning? He SO is into June and June is like SO into him too and it's SO cute – but, girls! Aren't we all just sad too?! He's so cute! BUT, don't worry! There's like plenty of fish out there and I know of that's gonna be on the market PRRUH-EET-TEEE SOOON! (/wink)
Reed Page is SO going to break up with his wife! Like, SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS! I KNOW THIS! I saw him like WITH ANOTHER WOMAN! We have pictures! See?! Jess! Jess! Put them on the screen!
Jess : Sure thang!
The screen flashes over to a blurred image, obviously taken through some foliage, of a dark haired man with a white-haired woman on the street. Misha's voice comes over it excitedly.
Misha Longaria : YOU SEE? He's like SOOO cheating on her!! It's SO SAD for Blaire, because, you know, everyone who's been here for awhile has known our little Blaire forEVER! I bet the girl is so sad and, you know what else? …....IT'S RUNE! O-M-G! Her own NEICE! Isn't that sad?! ...Oh, well, it could be Ellie too.. Which would be like SO worse!! Her own SISTER! Older sister! My GAWD! ..But, the girl in it is wearing pants too, right? It could be a man, you know, if you squint your eyes and look REEAAALL close – see? It could be, like, Ray or.. or Wilhelm, even! AH! THIS IS GOING TO DRIVE ME CRAAZZEEH!! But, we SO know that Reed is with SOME white-haired person in SUCH a romantic way and our producers told us it can't be Blaire! We have sources to say she was somewhere else! Doing something else! So, yeah, like, WE KNOW, REED! We are ONTO YOU!
The picture goes back to Misha, standing in her chair and holding a finger out towards the screen accusingly as the crowd cheers. She sits back down.
Misha Longaria : You know who else we're SOOO onto? Avian Stonebrak! Oh, yeah, like, I KNOW, everyone's heard the old chicken lover story a BAZILLION times, but! But I have some new info on this man! Jess, Jess, show us a picture of Avian! NOW!
Jess : Yes-Sirree!
The picture shifts yet again to an image of Avian, huddled up in a blanket on his farm.
Misha Longaria : You see him, girls? Isn't he so HAWT? But, but! Don't even THINK about it! Because MY sources tell me that he's MARRIED! O-M-G, I KNOW RIGHT? But guess who he's married TO! …...........Done guessing? Huh? WELL! I'll tell you! He's married to.. HIS CHICKEN! O-M-G! Is that even legal you guys?! I don't know! But I heard he proposed just last week over megaphone and, I quote! 'Cluck!' was the response!! Is that a yes? Is that a NO? It doesn't matter since he SO owns the chicken and that SO means that the girl doesn't have a choice! Poor chick, right? I mean, she should just DROP that loser and go on to some sexy rooster instead! I heard Elliot Park still swings for both teams and, considering how often she's with her animals.. Ohohoho, she may be able to accept that lonely chick into her heart! ♥ ..But, y'know, it's still kinda illegal, so maybe someone should call the authorities already? Or I should just shut up because there's no eviden- OH! WHOOPS! SORRY! Teehee~! Let's move on!
The screen goes back to a rather flustered looking Misha as she carried on in her speech.
Misha Longaria : Next, next.. ummm – who-? Oh! Oh! Um, like, YEAH! Priscilla Viniva is like the new girl on the block – or one of them! We don't know MUUCH about her, BUT we have some sources tell us that, like, wait for it – her first day on the island? She's already playing nookie with some cute guy! Ian Valhal was caught ONTOP of her in PUBLIC! We didn't get a picture, unfortunately, but this is like too much NOT to tell you guys! We have a dozen eye witness accounts and SO MANY MORE people who eye witnessed those eye witnesses eye witnessing it!! So it's the most reliable thing we HAVE! You had better believe that Ian and Priscilla are more than strangers after THAT scene! He's new too, so maybe Priscilla and him have a past? Or OR! She could just be some whore! We'll never know! Let's just keep watching to see what goes on while we move onto more interesting things – liiiike...
The words Local CELEBRITY Gossip flash over the screen as Misha crosses her legs the other way.
Misha Longaria : This week on CELEBRITY gossip, we have like photo evidence – on our website, because I think Jess did enough today! ♥
Jess : Thanks, Misha! (/8D)
Misha Longaria : No problem, cutie! Anyway, we have PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE that Lilia Sonata SO SO SO got some surgery done! If you all remember, this girl is the next in line to be mayor! She was just hardly an A-cup last season, but, LO AND BEHOLD, she's almost a C now! Like, MY GAWD! It's SUCH a jump and it CAN'T be hormones! We all think – including the servants! – that little Lilia got some plastic surgery done for the first day of school as a present from her aunt, Donatella Sonata. We all know how she likes her surgeon and misery SO loves company, so it's no surprise she's leading little Lilia into a life of tummy-tucks and lip injections! Speaking of which, doesn't she look so much poutier lately? I think it has to do with a little help from Mr. Collagen! I think? Is it collagen? Oh, well, I don't know! Just look how cute I am – I never need any boost like that! ♥
So, we're going to move onto – oh! Whoopsie! It looks like we ran out of time, you guys.. Awwwe, this makes me so sad! But, it's okay! We'll have our fashion update and Nanette on next week instead! And, don't you guys pout, you'll also see me on Monday for a weather update and then we can be happy again! ♥ CIAO and don't forget – you can always call me to tell me any juicy gossip! I'm DYING to see what you guys have seen or heard!! BYE! CIAO!
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 4:58 pm
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A darklit stage can be seen with a lone person standing in the middle. Bright blue lights turn on to reveal the face of the wonderfully handsome Viktor Anderwold. He smiled, holding the microphone eagerly in front of him.
Viktor: Hello and welcome to the first ever episode of the game show that is sweeping the island—CAKE OR DEAAAAATH! I’m Viktor Anderson! (pause for the crowd to cheer) Oh, thank you, thank you all. Now, let’s meet our contestants!!!
The other lights come on and camera shifts over to the contestants standing on separate platforms.
Viktor: Team One consists of Vivian and Troy Tyyyyler!
Vivian: It’s great to be hear, Viktor.
Viktor: Great to have you! Moving on to Team Two! Tricia and Peter Banks!
Peter: Thank you, Viktor!
Viktor: You are welcoooooome! Team Three! Lisa and Dwayne Rowan!
Lisa: I LOVE YOU VIKTOR!
Viktor: Oh, thank you, thank you!
Dwayne: You what?
Viktor: Now that we’ve met the teams, let’s get down to business! Our three teams flipped a three-sided coin back stage and it seems that Team Two will be going first! Since this is our first show, I’m going to take a minute to explain exactly what we do here on … CAKE OR DEAAAATH! There is one round, each with two sections! The teams get to decide amongst themselves who will do which section! The first section is called the Brain Stimulator! During this part, we will ask trivia questions, if correctly answered, they will move to the next section, Body Stimulator! If incorrectly answered, they will be asked to leave! No second chances here at CAKE OR DEAAAATH! At the end of the stages, the remaining teams will decide cake or death by either taking their prizes or going through the … MAZE OF CAKES PASSED!!! Gives me chills just saying it, ladies and gentleman! BUT! Enough of that! Let’s get this started!!!
A dramatic song starts to play as the lights go back down and only spotlights shine on team two and Viktor.
Viktor: Team Two. Have you decided who will be the brain and who will be the body?
Tricia: I will be the brains!
Viktor: Sounds great! Okay, first question! What is the capital of Brazil?!
Tricia: Umm… Err. Brosilia?
Viktor: Could you repeat that?
Tricia: Brosilia?
Viktor: Ohhhh! I’m so sorry Tricia and Peter! It looks like you will be going home!
Peter: WHAT! Tricia! You are so BLEEEEEEEEP stupid! You BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BLEEEEEEEEP GODDESS!
Viktor: Ohohoho!! Seems death has been chosen for youuuuu! Below the floor is several alligators and some running chainsaws. Goodbyyyyye!
Viktor presses a button conveniently placed on the back of his question card and the stage team two is standing on drops out, causing the two members to fall through the floor screaming the whole way.
Viktor: That didn’t sound pretty! Okay, moving on! Team three! Who will be the brain?
Lisa: I don’t wanna be the brain.
Dwayne: M-m-m-me neither.
Viktor: Well someone has to do it or you can just get death now!
Lisa: Then Dwayne will do it.
Dwayne: Dwayne will what?
Viktor: Okaaaaay! Dwayne! How many nickels are in ten thousand American dollars?!
Dwayne: umm… two hundred thousand?
Viktor: …Yes! Great job Dwayne! Are you ready Lisa?! You’re now going into the Body Stimulator portion! Follow meeeee!
He spun around and then jogged to the farthest side to the left of the stage and the lights came on there, revealing a giant unicycle and a tightrope over a large drop off.
Viktor: Lisa, get positioned on the unicycle in three… two… one!
A loud bell goes off and Lisa begins climbing to the top, jamming her feet between the small wires and trying to hoist up to sit on the top. A few slips and slides back down and she finally made it all the way to the top, throwing her leg over the seat and grabbing the helmet that was hanging conveniently for her. By the looks of that drop, there was no way a helmet would help and who knew what was waiting down there anyway?! She began peddling, moving side to side to get the perfect balance. She failed to keep perfect equilibrium several times before reaching the rope which only showed how hard it would be once on it. She started across it, her face twisted in fear. She made it one feet across, two, three! She was so close to being halfway done! She made it halfway, her husband screaming words of encouragement the entire time. When it happened, the strings of the rope began to break!
Viktor: Oh no, folks! It looks like Lisa is going to have to speed it up or fall regardless of doing so good!
Dwayne: What?! You can’t do that! Can they do that?! You can’t do that!!!
Viktor: (placing his hand up to his ear like he’s getting an important message) Our lawyers say we can!
Lisa began peddling ever harder now, wobbling much more due to this. She had her arms out to either side of her, in attempts to better angle herself and make it across. The sweat could easily be seen from the camera’s angle. The strings kept fraying more and more, only a small few were remaining. She was peddling harder and harder and harder when the last string was about to give out. The sound of the rope snapping was heard through the room and the unicycle quickly fell into the darkness below. But, Lisa was not on it! No, she was holding onto the side of the platform for dear life. She managed to get her elbow up and climbed onto it, shaking and holding herself.
Viktor: Wowza! I’ll tell you, folks. I was not expecting that! What a twist! She made it across, ladies and gentleman! Team three will be progressing on! But, enough glory time! Let’s see how team one is doing! Vivica, what are your thoughts so far?!
Vivian: It’s great to be here, Viktor!
Viktor: I feel like we’ve been here befoooooooore! (crowd laughter) So, Troy! What do you think so far?
Troy: Her name is Vivian. Umm, it’s a little scary… What are we going to have to do?
Viktor: You never know with CAKE OR DEAAAATH! Which reminds me! It’s time for commercial! We’ll see what Troy and Violet have to do!
Screen fades to black.
_________________________________________
A tall, dark and handsome man appears on the screen.
Commercial man: If you find yourself needing to satisfy that insatiable sweet tooth, come on down to Meri’s Cherries Bakery! We have cherry danishes, cookies of all sorts, brownies, cakes, and so much more! So, the next time you find yourself in that kind of mood, come visit me, Xeiro Rameri! I’ll be happy to satisfy all of your needs!
This commercial has been brought to you by Meri’s Cherries Bakery in Nirvani Island.
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The screen now shows pictures of various crimes and suspicious looking people and stops on a picture of two young girls standing back to back with their fingers as fake guns.
Ominous commercial voice: Have you found yourself in need before? Has some creepy man in black stole your purse? Has your house been broken into? Do you need some investigating done of the best kind? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in dire need of M&Ms Investigation! Call now!
### - ### - ####!
_________________________________________
Viktor: Welcome back, folks! We’re here with the final team to go! Team one, who will be the brain!
Troy: Vivian will!
Viktor: Okay, Vicky! What planet is the only planet to be named after a Greek god?!
Vivian: Uranus!
Viktor: Wow, Vinessa! That was very good, you’re right! Troy, follow meeeeeee!
He did the same old spin, only this time to the right and jogged over to the next place shielded in darkness. The lights turned on to reveal a giant tower that looked a lot like a Jenga game.
Viktor: Troy! You have sixty seconds to climb to the top of this tower and place this ball into the hole in the top which will turn the timer off!
Troy: Okay…
Viktor: Three… two… one…. GO!
Troy takes off running, placing his foot in the open spot and reaching for the next one. He was climbing rather quickly, his hands slipping only slightly. He never fell down farther than a few blocks and just kept going. He was almost to the top when his leg began to jerk. He looked down at it, then glanced to the clock over in the corner that read 15.84. He didn’t have much time and it seemed like he had so far to go! He pushed through the pain, climbing harder than ever when finally he made it to the top and with 10 seconds left to go. But, wait. He looked over the edge down at Viktor who was holding the white ball.
Viktor: (turns to face camera) Well, folks. Troy was a bit quick and forgot to grab the ball from me, and since there isn’t enough time left… Congratulations Lisa and Dwayne! You have the option of CAKE OR DEAAAAATH!!! What will it be, guys? Take the prize you have already won which issss…
Ominous voice: A trip by the Eifel Tower!
Viktor: Oooooooo! Ahhhhhh! But don’t forget that you could take the maze and win so much more!
Lisa: We’ll take the trip!
Dwayne: Wait a minute, Lisa. What does that m---
Viktor: OKAY! It looks like our team has chosen the trip! Tell them a little more about the trip!
Ominous voice: Gladly, Viktor! The trip consists of a plane ride to view the Eifel Tower and then come right back home! It’s a beautiful sight, I’ve seen it myself several times. But, I had the pleasure of being on the ground, Viktor.
Viktor: Me too! Me too! I shot my most recent film near there!
Lisa: Wait. We won WHAT? You mean to tell me that I went over that BEEEEEEEP rope and worked so BEEEEEEEEP hard and this is what we won?! We won a plane ticket?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I CAN’T BELIEVE TH---
Viktor: There you have it, folks! Thanks for tuning into CAKE OR DEAAAATH! Tune in next week to see three more teams compete! This is Viktor Anderwold signing off!
The man waved with a large smile on his face and the screen fades to static.
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Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 7:47 pm
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Veronica: And this is how the news started. One chance on ten had said doctor Thomas Tousaint. One chance too much on ten, yeah. If if had never happened, nothing that night would have went like they had. Everything would have been different. For the best? Or for the worst? Who knows... What happened happened and we cannot do anything other than telling it's story... and telling it is what the doctor did. He grabbed the hand-held, dialed a number and told the one who had answered what had just happened...
Shade to black. New scene. A study inside a house. A very rich looking study in a very rich looking house. This is the Von Chesters House. Cyril, aging CEO of a cosmetic company, his wife, the ex-actress Clarice who has more wigs than shoes and always put too much makeup, as well as their twins sisters, the dark, smart and a bit sadist Chantelle and the colourful, bubbly and vegetarian Chantalle.
Clarice: It's a catastrophe!
Cyril: It's horrible!
Chantelle: It's disastrous!
Cyril: It's an abomination!
Clarice: It's execrable!
Chantelle: It's disgusting!
Chantalle: It's wonderful!
Cyril: It's - Wait, what?
Chantelle: Oh, you, just shut up the sister!
Chantalle: Oh, my! But why? It's the best day of my life!
Clarice: Oh, that's it! She's crazy! It finally got her! I knew that drinking all that alcohol while pregnant would endup affecting one of them in some way!
Chantelle: Chantalle, do you even realize how much it will cost us? Do you?
Cyril: And the ha Shame!
Chantelle: And the money!
Clarice: And the dishonour!
Chantelle: And the money!
Cyril: And the disgrace
Chantelle: And the money!
Clarice: And the humiliation!
Chantelle: And the money!
Chantalle: And the happiness!
Clarice: Aaaahhhh...
Clarice faints in her husband's arms, as Chantelle and Chantalle keep arguing, their voices slowly being muffed by the show's theme song as the screens fades to black and the credit rolls...
...
...
...
In the next episode of: One Marriage, One Coma and One... Murder.
Gregorio: Old Crone!
Helena: Old fossil!
Gregorio: Won't you just die already?!
Ashley: ... They forgot about me...
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Zemblanity Insomnia Captain
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:37 am
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“HEY YOU GAIS!!!” A hand waved at the camera, albeit with not the same gusto that her voice held. Behind the reporter stood the same map of Nirvani, with the same snowflakes. “SOOO, like, I guess you want the weather, huh~? WELL, if you see RIGHT BEHIND ME!” A hand went back to point at the imagery, “Those snowflakes from last time? They're STILL there! So guess what that means?” A pause as a ticking sound came onto the screen. Ten ticks later and a trumpet sounded as she jumped up in the air, as high as her fashionably heeled boots would allow! “IT'S STILL SNOWING! Did you really need me to say that? I bet you just wanted to see ME! Teehee~ ♥ ..Well, you'll have to get by until my next appearance! I have to go now – Neil reeaaallly needs to get better heating here! BYE!” With that, the screen faded to black.
Nirvani Island's weather will continue to be Snowy until further updates.
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:02 pm
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A blonde woman appears on screen, her hair teased into a bad soccer-mom-cut. The camera focuses in on her face, emphasizing the heavy layer of makeup she is wearing on her middle-aged face, the rough skin pulled unnaturally tight by many a Botox treatment. Her mouth twists into an odd smile as she looks straight into the camera, straight into the viewer's soul.
Sue: My name is Susanne Susans, and this is... Design Disasters, with me, Judgmental Sue!
A colorful series of images flash across the scene, including scenes of previous episodes -- an image of Sue comes to the foreground and points an accusing finger at the viewer. As the title of the program appears, it fades to black. Now, it switches to Sue standing in front of a neat wooden house.
Sue: Welcome to Design Disasters with me, Judgmental Sue! Every week, we drop by some lucky person's house and take a look inside. You know what they say, a man's home is his castle, and with our team of design experts, we'll let you know if this castle is fit for a king, or some fat Scottish family. I'm joined by our color extraordinaire, Penelope Peters!
Penelope: Hiya, Sue!
Sue: Our rugged carpenter, Sam Stevens.
Sam: Lessee some houses!
Sue: Sure thing, Sam! ...Oh yeah, and Rodney. Let's get started!
Rodney: Really, Sue?
Sue: Today we're at the Salvador house! Apparently, it's one of the prettier little houses on the island, but what about the inside? Let's take a look!
Sue turns and knocks on the door to the rhythm of 'On the Good Ship Lollipop'. A nervous looking intern opens the door. He nervously glances around, and then steps out of the way, letting the host and her three designers into the house.
Sue: My producers tell me that this house is owned by one Miss Ether Salvador! She's the resident carpenter of the island. Resident? More like retired, ammirite?
Penelope: You sure are, Sue!
Sue: I mean, look at this place! It looks like my great-grandmother decorated this place! How old is this woman, anyway? Ninety?
Sam: Sure is old-lookin'. Ain't never seen a funny lookin' chair like that'un before.
Sue: Miss Salvador must really have a thing for estate sales! Her living room sure looks like someone died here!
Rodney: This is actually a pretty nicely done Victorian-style living room. That chair looks like an authentic piece, as well. Rococo style, as you can tell from the design on the wood--
Sue: Shut up, Rodney, you went to the Fashion Institute of Technology. Go design a ballgown.
Rodney: ...The Fashion Institute has one of the top interior design programs in the world...
Sue: As you can see, this is one tacky living room! What about the bedrooms?
Penelope: The change in color in that wall over there means there's a door! There's just one room here!
Sue: Let's take a look, then!
The group transitions into the bedroom. It's decorated in the same Victorian style as the rest of the house.
Sue: Gah, it's even worse than the living room! Hasn't this woman ever seen what a normal house is supposed to look like?
Sam: ...Ain't she dead?
Sue: ...Of course she is, Sam! Yes, that's exactly it! Miss Salvadore is actually a hundred year old woman, and she must have passed away recently. That's why it's so dusty. Rodney, you look like you live with your grandmother. Is this normal?
Rodney: No... actually, I live with my girlfriend... And this is really a nicely decorated house, albeit old-fashioned.
Sue: It's bad to lie, Rodney. ...Oh, we're out of time? We're out of time! It's obvious here that our producers made a mistake and Ether Salvadore has been dead for a long, long time, but when she was alive, she had the worst taste in the world! Probably was blind and bitter, that sort of thing. Team? What are your last comments?
Penelope: Yellow is a good addition to any room! Yellow is the color of the sun, and smiles, and golden retriever puppies!
Sam: If yer too 'fraid to use one of them hammers 'n nails, glue sticks stuff together, too! That Elmer fellow knows what he's doin'.
Rodney: Seriously, it's not that ba--
Sue: You heard that, folks! Another godawful house revealed! Tune in next time to see who we visit next! Remember, it could be you! Thanks for watching! I'm Susanne Susans.
Sue waves goodbye as the credits begin to roll. As the cheery theme music plays, Sue throws open the bedroom window and climbs out, her design team and the television crew following suit. The camerman closes the window after him, and the screen fades to black.
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Zemblanity Insomnia Captain
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 5:45 pm
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Genki:OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE COME!”
The camera turns on itself, giving the impression that Genki is spinning and that gravity holds no rules on him.
Genki: BUT WILL YOU BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THE COSMOS? OUOUOUOUOUOUOU!!!!!!”
The camera stops spinning as Genki closes his eyes and an ominous music starts playing.
Genki: Let’s see what Is hidden deep into your soul…..aaaaaah…. yess……. I see… I see…. I SEE A RUCKSACK! YES! YOU! YOU WHO ARE LISTENING TO ME AND WHO IS BORN AT THE END OF WINTER! THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE! A rucksack… Aaaah…. What a great sign to be…. The rucksack…. The rucksack……………………………………………………………………………………………..THE RUCKSACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
The man suddenly opens his eyes and seems taken into a trance. His whole body shakes and convulses.
Genki: AAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAaaaaAaAaaaaaa The mightiest of all signs! The rucksack! Ambitions of dominance! Living by its own rule! Great success to it’s job! Unafraid of challenges! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! BUT BEEEEWAAAAARREEEE!!!!!!!! This passion and enthusiasm can tear a hole in the rucksack! Exhaustion! Aaaaaah! The poor rucksack! Always willing to help someone else, but when is someone helping you? But this doesn’t matter! You preffer to be left alone…aaaaallllooooooonneeee…… ALONE! For you are the most successful when doing what you do best by yourself!
The man falls on his back, seemingly unconscious….BUT THEN SITS BACK UP.
Genki: This is what the next years holds for you. You will have a healthy year and should work hard to achieve what you want the most. Be careful of back pain and headache. A nice warm bath might be required after a hard day of work. Yoga is also suggested. If you are looking for a career, there are many promises for you in the fields of law, engineer, architect, inventor or sales person. Love is around the corner waiting for you, but you shouldn’t dive right in. This would be a bad time to give up your independence. If you do want to get attached to someone, be sure to pick someone who is though-skinned to complement your own personality. You might end up in a life commitment if your partner is the intriguing kind. Friendship is more important than ever and you should keep your friend close. So close, that it might not be a bad idea to tie them up and lock them in your closet. Be sure to feed them and give them water as well as a daily trip to the bathroom. Examples of Rucksack on the island are Kevin McMahon, Peter Tamaki, Mao Xiqui, Claude Scott, Gabriel Gallus, Reed Page, Benedikt and Benedek Traiylor, Quentin and John Alvey-LeBlanc, our mayor Donatella Sonata as well as Ray King, Yuri Allen and Elliot Park. Have a nice year.
The camera shuts up without credits or music playing.
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Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2011 4:51 am
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A spunky beat plays on the screen as various clips of our very own Misha Longaria talking to various people in her plush, velvety soft chair. Oh, yes, this stylish girl is back to you again in – The Long, Long Talk Show! For all the REAL news! ♥
Misha : Welcome to another episode of the Long Long Talk Show - with ME! You're reporter~! ♥ Today we're going to give you the treat we promised last week - an interview AND your fashion report! Thankfully, Nanette was nice enough to like give us a second chance - and here she is!
Misha motions to her left, where one of her usually empty chairs is occupied by a busty blonde.
Misha : SO ANYWAY. Nanette - can I call you Nanette~ ♥? ANYWAY, what's it like on the set?
Nanette : Oh, Misha! I can call you Misha, right ~ <3? The set is so..so! Oh, how can I explain.... it's like.... a hospital...but WITHOUT BEING A HOSPITAL. And on the other side THERES A BED ROOM.
Misha : LIKE, O-M-G, THAT SOUNDS SO COOL. I've always wanted to be an actress myself, y'know~? But then the boy-o would get SOOO super jealous - but! Enough about me! How are the others? The actors? Does Thomas act the same offset - OH! And what about Bob?
Nanette : Oh Misha! You would NEVER Believe it! Jamie James John, the one who plays Thomas? Well, he is SO different. In real life... oh, are sitting Misha? ARE YOU SITTING? Good, you are sitting... well... Oh, I can't. I can't say it. Oh the hell I'm saying it.. .No, I can.. yes, I will... no..yes.............. HE'S NOT BLONDE! Like, I so totally saw him the first day I was in a scene with him and I was like :" WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR HEAD" and he was like "A WIG" and I was like "NO WAYZ" and he was all "YES WAYZ"
Misha : O-M-G THAT'S SO COOL. SEE EVERYONE? We get the REAL scoops right here! Jamie is NOT BLONDE. It's a wig! Oh, oh, I knew it, too~<3 All the SEXY guys are like WIG-WEARERS. They have this totally secret identity and it's SO SEXY. RAWR, Jamie~~ <3 ..Ah, hee~ But, he's SO out of my league, I could never think of it! ANYWHO, what about Bob? You never told me! Does he wear a wig too?
Oh, he's such a bad boy, I KNOW he does~!
Nanette : Oh, Misha, Misha, Misha! You are TO-TA-LY Wrong there. Bob is a sweat heart! a 4 foot tall sweat hear. See, bob is being played by twin midgets actors Gibert and Julian Brown on top of each other."
Misha : ...Oh. My. GAWD. NO WAI.
Nanette : YES WAI
Misha : LIKE SERIOUSLY?
Nanette : Like Seriously!
Misha : ARE WE RECORDING THIS??? GILBERT AND JULIAN. Who's the top half? Bottom? O-M-G which one is cuter?! Are they like -identical- or are they those weird not-identical-twins?
Nanette : I HAVE NO IDEAS! ISNT THAT FANTASTIC?
Misha : IT IS SO FANTASTIC! But, I really wish you knew, Nanette~! It'd be SO much cooler if you did.. ..Oh, well! Let's go on - umm, let's see~.. Oh! Nanette, you like play SUCH a strong female role model on the set - how does it feel to have so many girls look up to you?
Nanette : Truthfully Misha.... I can't tell. I just can't see all those girls looking up because when I look down all I see are my breast. *bouncesbounces* My manager wanted me to get a pair of E-size but I was all like "No Marty, I'm getting Double F" and Double F's I got! *boncesbounces*
Misha : Ahh.. Heehehe, I guess they ARE pretty big, aren't they..? Well, you know, like, um, it's SO not a big - GARY IF YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM NOW STOP LOOKING I KNOW YOU WATCH MY SHOW YOU JERK O-M-G. I can't believe him! I'm so sorry, Nanette, my boyfriend was SO ogling your bounciful bosom! ..Ahh, that brings us to the next question! Do YOU have any romance in your life?
Nanette : Oh of course I do Misha! Buuuuuuut.... I CANT TELL YOU! It's fellow actor on the set! You'll just have to find it by yourself 'cause I'm SO not telling you~~~~
Misha : Whaaaat~? Oh, Nanette, you tease! Why don't you just spill it~? I promise I won't tell ANYONE! My lips are like SO sealed!
Nanette : Oh, okay Misha! But only because it's you! You better not tell anyone that it's Ronald Debucci, the one who plays Gregorio! Oh, I don't think you've seen Gregorio yet! He's coming in the next episode! BUT DONT YOU TELL ANYONEE!"
Misha : Ooooh!! THAT'S SO COOL, NANETTE~ I bet you two have the best relationship EVER! <3 And I PROMISE! I SO never tell a secret to anyone - you know, it's, like, my THING. Everyone comes to me all, "MISHA, MISSHHAAA~~!" to tell me their secrets because they KNOW I would NEVER tell ANYONE! But, anyway, I have to tell them SOMETHING, so why don't you just tell all the girls something inspiring? LIKE, tell them about how you became an actress!
Oooh~! I bet it was SO magical~!
Nanette : Oh! I can do that! Well girls... one day I was looking at myself in the mirror and I was all Like "Mahn. What an awesome body you have! You should let as much people as possible see it!" so I decided to go audition for a role and... you wouldn't believe what happened Misha!
Misha : WHAT HAPPENED?
Nanette : I DIDN'T GET THE ROLE!
Misha : O-M-G. Whut. WHY? What happened then??
Nanette : I was not natural enough they said! And do you know what I did, do you?
Misha : I don't! Tell us, Nanette!
Nanette : I said "Well, if that's not natural enough, I'll show you nature!" and then started to give him a blow-oohhhhh...... I mean.. I give him one talk that he'll remember all his life and in the end he gave me the job!
and now I'm an almost famous actress in a not so well known show that plays on a small island in the middle of nowhere!
THAT is how you get famous, Misha.
Misha : ....Wow. WOW. Okay!! Girls, you heard that at home? If you want to get famous like Nanette here, you just have to go to the auditions and - even if they blow you off - you just turn around and blow them AWAY! That was Nanette Goldberg from One Marriage, One Coma, and... One Murder!! WATCH IT NEXT WEEK!
Nanette : Bai Bai *waves*
Misha : Baaaiii!! ..Okay, SO, like, that was cool, right? Yes, yes it was! It was SOO cool! Nanette is such a cool girl off camera? But, anyway, before we close the show, it's time to show you who is NOT cool off camera – or are they? Yes! It's time for... NO – or ARE THEY?!!! Our fashion-tastic section of the show! Where we take you over to one of Nirvani's residents to tell them – and you – how to like DRESS! So, let's seee... It looks like today we'll be going over Lucas Grey, a father of.. twelve?! Oh, WOW! That is so.. like.. weird..! I wonder how he has time to even DRESS himself? Well, by the looks of it – he has a little.
Yes, Lucas may have the total FORMULA for disaster – with that many kids and a job that's one big fire-disaster waiting to happen, Lucas actually manages to get himself dressed semi-decently! Proof that time is so so SO no excuse! Now, of course, Lucas COULD probably update himself a bit – like, let's start with his...
A photograph appears on the screen behind Misha of Lucas in a burgundy suit, taken through a window of his room.
Misha : ..formal wear! That red suit of his is KINDA cool for, you know, a grandpa. Slim fits are SO much more in style these days! He's waaaay too loose in that suit! And, with his eyes? I'd recommend something dark to bring out that sexy blue! ♥ Oh, but, then I think everyone could use a little black! Especially if you're not built for slim fits! Lucas spends all day shimmying up and down poles, so he's probably got a nice, muscley figure as a result – but he shouldn't worry! Black and a nice tailored suit would be such a benefit for him! Oh, but we have more, don't we? Um, what else did we find could use – ah! Here~!
A second photo slides across of Lucas, this time in a white button-up and slacks.
Misha : Now, now, we ALLLL know that a button up for a guy is like the little black dress! It NEVER goes out of style, is such a good investment, and always looks really cool! But, you know what was wrong here? ESPECIALLY for a daddy of twelve? ...THE COLOR! Oh, yes, like, SOOO, yes, white is nice, but only if you don't have to deal with spit-ups and finger-paints! A black button-up would have been a smarter pick – hides the stains and it's stylish for these cold days! But, it looks like Lucas is only prepared for those winter days!
Misha lifts a hand up with a sigh as another splay of photos come across the screen, mostly of Lucas in sweaters.
Misha : It seems we have a sweater-lover here! It's cold, yeah, but even our investigative reporter tells us he has WAY more sweaters than the usual person! Boy? Lucas? Honey! You can't just hide yourself ALL the time! You have a hot body from those fire-fighting days! SHOW IT OFF! A sweater is sexy and all, but would it kill to wear something more revealing? How are you supposed to get a wife for – Oh. Oh, he's married? – oooooh. To Alanis. THE Alanis. Well, NO WONDER! Okay, forgiven! ♥ Lucas, go on with your fashion ways and we'll pretend this newscast never happened! Bye bye, now~! ♥
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High-functioning Marshmallow
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