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3 Poems I wrote

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EnigmaofMadness

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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 1:28 pm


Spirits
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Spirits of Flame
Spirits of Fire
Come and Hear my Desire

Spirits of Waves
Spirits of Water
Come and speak of my Desire

Spirits of Breeze
Spirits of Air
Come and help me go Anywhere

Spirits of Light
Spirits so Bright
Come and light my way through the Night

Spirits so Dark
Spirits of Night
Come and hold me Tight

Spirits so Shocking
Your as bright as Lightening
Strike down the ones you Despise

Spirits of Animals
Where have you gone?
Your numbers are so few for so long

Spirits of Earth
Of flowers so Rare
Why can't I find you anywhere?

Spirits of Humans
Of people alike
What is it you fear this endless night?

Humans so Bold
Why do you cower at the mirror?
Is it that you see whats really there?

Human as you tremble with Fright
You finally recognize
Your crime of the Night

Spirits of anything at all
Protect the ones who have never sinned at all

The Spirits feed my Desire...

Pain
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Pain, throbbing, pulsing, burning, robbing, killing
Pain that throbs from lust
Pain that pulses the blood in your heart too hard
Pain that burns from the heat of the fast things inside
Pain that robs you of your senses
Pain that kills your lover while your still breathing
Pain
Pain that throbs from your hoarse voice
Pain that pulses your tears out of your eyes hard
Pain that burns from the tears coming from your eyes
Pain that robs you from the light
Pain that kills those close to you
Pain
Pain that throbs in your hands
Pain that pulses as you hold the knife
Pain that burns from the handles tightness in your hands
Pain that robs you of your fear as you close your eyes
Pain that kills you before you kill yourself
Pain
Pain throbs
Pain Pulses
Pain Burns
Pain Robs
Most Importantly
Pain kills but never dies
Pain

Incubus or Succubus Pick your posion
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They call for you at Night
using the voice of the one closest to you
Do not let them in
For if you do
They will continue to decieve you
They will take the form of the person you desire most
they will lay you down and sing a song
be aware
as they sing they use their name
they will sing and make you their own
after they are done with you it will be too late
for they will have stolen your soul
then they go to find another victim
so heed this warning
if someone calls your name only one time
do not answer
for that is the incubus or succubus
trying to decieve you
do not fall for their tricks
no matter how much you desire the person who's voice it belong too
they will speak the words that will drag you further in
find a way to ignore it
even if they say the three key words to trigger a person heart
I love you
Otherwise it is too late.
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 5:38 pm


The first verse of the first poem was good. then you lost your rhyme. verse three was good. the last line of four was a little long. perhaps consider changing it to 'come and guide me through the night'. then the last line of five is too short. then you break the pattern with six (lightening) then in this verse:
Humans so Bold
Why do you cower at the mirror?
Is it that you see whats really there?
you break the pattern completely, and that throws it off a lot. same with the one after.
and maybe for the last verse if you just added another line to make it match the three line pattern of the others it would conclude nicely smile

Pain i found just too repetitive >.< i apologize

Pick your poison was okay. i know it's prose, so that means it doesn't need to fit into a particular pattern, but i found a few of those lines just a smidge too long, and if you shortened them, you maybe could even add dramatic pause and stuff.

I hope you don't regard my criticism as harsh or mean, for I mean only the best ^-^;;

Momo1013

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EnigmaofMadness

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:41 pm


Momo1013
The first verse of the first poem was good. then you lost your rhyme. verse three was good. the last line of four was a little long. perhaps consider changing it to 'come and guide me through the night'. then the last line of five is too short. then you break the pattern with six (lightening) then in this verse:
Humans so Bold
Why do you cower at the mirror?
Is it that you see whats really there?
you break the pattern completely, and that throws it off a lot. same with the one after.
and maybe for the last verse if you just added another line to make it match the three line pattern of the others it would conclude nicely smile

Pain i found just too repetitive >.< i apologize

Pick your poison was okay. i know it's prose, so that means it doesn't need to fit into a particular pattern, but i found a few of those lines just a smidge too long, and if you shortened them, you maybe could even add dramatic pause and stuff.

I hope you don't regard my criticism as harsh or mean, for I mean only the best ^-^;;


Its alright, I only wrote them because they came to me and then I typed them up to share with others. I appreciate you taking the time to actually read them. Maybe the next poem I share you'll like better.
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~Writers~

 
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