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I have told this story many times. It's the story of how I first came to the Lord, and later on left Him, and later on came back, and so fourth. I am personally asking for some advice about where I'm at spiritually as of now, and how I can get over what I feel like I cannot.

I'll try to put it in a nutshell.

When I was around age 2 or 3, I was diagnosed with autism. It was predicted by specialists that I would end up being a low-functioning autistic girl, lacking the ability to communicate and to be like "normal" people.
Somehow I overcame it. My mom dedicated her life into raising me and my brother to learn things that were hard for us to learn. We were both diagnosed with the disorder, and both of us overcame that barrier and you could say we are high functioning autistics. I go to public school, I'm a junior in high school, I have friends, and I am so thankful that I was given these abilities. I see it as a miracle.

So..to when I found Jesus. When I was in middle school, I utterly hated myself. People made fun of me at school, my mother used to drink and was really rude, I was having problems with cutting myself, my step dad put me down, I did a lot of cooking and chores, and I never see my real dad..he's in jail. All of this stuff crashed down on me in those years, and while i was going to a youth group, they were going to this Christian music festival called Creation Fest 2008, at the Gorge. Luckily I was able to go.

At first I only went because Flyleaf was there...one of my fave bands, but after I heard this testimony, I had a change of heart. I could relate to Lacey's words so much, and at that moment I wanted to give my life to Christ for so many reasons...it would take me forever to go over that topic alone. After learning a lot about God and His love for all of His people, I got baptized before i left for home...and that was the most amazing moment I ever experienced. Seriously, I felt like my feelings of wanting to be dead were gone. It was a decision I made alone...and I knew it was right.

When I came home, my mom was still drinking. I prayed for her day and night, for a couple months I think...and one day she turned herself in to Rehab, and when she came back she never drank again. my best friend, however, didn't like how I had changed. I was very happy, and more loving, and not as sad about stuff. She said I became just like the other Christian girls and I quit being myself.

Insecurities stabbed at my well being, despite God's wonderful healing over my mother. My fire for Christ burnt out when I went back to cutting, and making out with every guy i would date, and cussing, and hating life. Why this happened...i can't say exactly why. I was made anew in Christ, but then my fears and anger and depression made me feel like I became...old again.

From this point (freshman year) to the present, I seriously doubted God and I emerged myself in atheist perspectives and conversations, to the point where I could no longer understand the God I once loved. After he took away my depression, I didn't see why He allowed it to come back. I became very angry with Him and continued to sway back and fourth between being a believer or not.

During these few years, I had sex for the first time with someone who hurt me, I smoked pot, I cut myself again, I got into Wicca, I quit going to Youth Group, I wanted to die again, and so on. My faith was always wavering. I would either be like "I know God is here for me." or like "God isn't real." My depression would flicker like a light switch. And this is where I am now:

I don't get why God would allow my depression to come into my life over and over.
No matter what I always doubt God
I wish I could be the girl I was when i first accepted Christ. <
I just don't know how to get right with God again.
I feel like He's far away...unlike before.
I just feel lost in life..

Questioning God is normal but that doesn't sound like your problem. My fiancee went through similar experiences and has this to say:

"You have gone through a lot of trauma. What you need is a creative and healthy outlet. You need something that you can submerse yourself in that is more real and personal than beliefs alone. You need something that you can see, feel, be proud of, and watch grow. You need more supportive friends it sounds like they are hurting you. I know how hard it is to let go of them but you don't want to end up like me where you were defending them to a point of them or your life. You can still keep in contact with them but you need a level of detachment from them. You can still be friends but you need a true friend you can count on. Lastly and I know this thought scares people but you truly need to see a councilor. Councilors are not as bad as people make them out to be. You may get unlucky and find one that just isn't what you need but there are hundreds more out there that you can talk to. If you are truly against a councilor, at least find someone you can tell everything to, that you can cry to, and you can trust completely. If you can't find someone like that you can often find support groups. I'm sure this is all stuff you've heard before but I am concerned for you as a person and a fellow girl, I am very concerned for you. I feel it's a problem that a lot of Christian girls make when they try to get right with God before they right with themselves."

I do want to point out that if while no one here is a professional councilor we are more than willing to listen to you and give our support. My fiancee sterlingrevolver was involved with a lot of gang stuff, neglectful parents, and is familiar with this scene. She is also an ex cutter and a former pagan. My friend violette lumineux is familiar with cutting and a former atheist. Healing is a process it doesn't happen overnight in most cases. If you slip back into cutting it means that you have internal problems that you aren't addressing.

As long as you are aware of this that's good. You've stated that you are aware of some of your problems. 1) You feel like you deserve to be punished. 2) You feel upset with yourself in general 3) You're used to being a door mat. I do want to point out that many public schools do offer free counseling or at least will know how to get access to free counselling. I grew up on free public counseling through much of my late teens. Not the best in my experience but at least it gives a starting point.
Sounds like you are trying to meet some unrealistic expectations. People are telling you that you need to change but what and why are they wanting you to change? Are they trying help you not be upset with yourself, feel free of this guilt, and be your own person? Or is what and why they wanting you to change is to keep you in your current state? I'm not passing any judgment, just asking you to think about what is being asked of you. Is it the person you want to become or is it the person they want you to be? My belief and study has lead me to believe that God does not want us to feel like we need to be punished. Correct ourselves if we do wrong but not to dwell or hate who you are on the inside, a child of God made in our Holy Father-Mother's image.

What has helped me not feel like a door mat is my faith in Christ. Christ is the very window into what the unknowable and unnameable Father-Mother would be like if God were a human. With Christ at my side, I am not a door mat, even if others think that I am. True there are times I make mistakes and do wrong which is inevitable since I am so very human, but with Christ, I know there is forgiveness and the courage to make it right at least with myself if nothing else. It is through these mistakes and stumbling that I learn and grow as a person and gain confidence in myself. Consider this extreme example for a moment: If I learn that doing crack is not going to bring me happiness and I hear someone say that it will, who am I going to trust? This stranger who says crack is awesome or the wisdom I gained through the trials of that addiction that crack is going intensify my problems? That scar is familiar and it is one I am well acquainted with. I grew up trying to meet the expectations of others and you know what I was miserable doing it and miserable afterwards. Most people barely knows themselves (this knowledge often decreases as age decreases) yet we some how think we have all the answers for how "you" can do better. Find what your fundamentals are. What are you willing to stand for? What will you not compromise on? Having a solid foundation is very critical to not being a door-mat. And if somewhere along the line you find out that your foundation was a house of cards, it's not the end of the world, now you know what not use in building your inner mansion.

I'm glad too hear that you have someone to talk to that you trust, just don't let him take advantage of you, don't let him hold his help over your head. If he does I'd start being suspicious.

I'm going to suggest something to try and if it doesn't work, don't feel bad it may not work for you since we are all unique and have differences.

Make a list of what you stand for. what are things about yourself that you will not compromise on for any reason? This can be written, drawn, or even sculpted, just as long as this means something to you. This is to represent the person you and God wants you to be. Keep this near or on you, or at least a place that is special to you, like your bedroom, where it won't be disturbed. Study/contemplate your list daily either at the beginning or ending of each day.

Now from there we are going to let your old self die so you can become this new self, your reborn self. Daily at either the beginning or end of your day (which ever is most convenient), act this out so this prayer sink in so it becomes a reality and not just words. "Heavenly Father-Mother God, let my old self die and let me be reborn into the person that you and I want to be." You could make this prayer a reality to you by burning a list of what problems you are aware of (being a door mat, hating yourself, etc.) that you want to change. Or, you could put it on the ground and dance on top of it while saying/singing the prayer. These actions here are just suggestion for how you can "act" out this change that you want to happen.

Most of us learn and pick up on things by what we do rather than study, so that is why I am suggesting you to do some sort of "play" to aid you. If this isn't working for you, stop. No point in doing something that doesn't work. This may not be the tool that you need to use. Explain why you don't think it's working and we'll go from there. If you find yourself smiling or joyous while doing this then you are on the right track.

Edit: Now you've expressed that you have had "friends" in the past say they didn't like how you are changing. If your so called friends don't like the way you are changing and you see yourself changing for the better, that is a sign that these are people you need to detach yourself from.

Next find out if you have a school guidance counselor and see if they can either give you counseling or direct you to a counselor that can help you. Explain that you are low income to them, and I'm sure they would be more than willing to help.

Finally think about what you like to do creatively. Do you like to draw, write, sing, dance, sculpt, etc...? It really sounds like you need to express yourself somehow. Take up something that lets you create how you feel. You don't have to show it to anyone if you don't want, this is for you and you alone. This can be a symbolic way of keeping your feelings from bottling up and to help you know yourself. (sterlingrevolver: This is also something that you can be proud of. You sound really down on yourself, you need something you can be proud of and is close to you. It's not limited to anything. If you have a knack for plants, taking care of a plant might be a nice way too or something similar.)

Now I cannot stress this enough, this is a process. It's not magically going to change things over night. If it does then great, but I would not count on it. The daily devotion I've suggested is experimental, do not be afraid to adjust it if you need to, this is you we are dealing with after all. If you feel uncertain about a change up you want to do, run it by us or PM me about how you want to change it up. Once it has served it's purpose, stop doing it. There's no need to take medicine if you aren't sick anymore.

Yes thank you. That is a very good point.

Sounds like that would be a very good starting point.

Congrats. I'm glad to hear it. Remember that it's a process. If you need any more assistance or advice feel free to ask us. I hope you've found counseling as well.

Yeah I do agree she needs to see a counselor. I'm sorry if I seemed to undermind the importance of that.