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 Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:07 pm
This is a story. I'd like to say that it is a good story, but that would be arrogant and pretentious of me. So I'll just leave it to you to rip apart. Oh, and the narrator is female. Just so you know.
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:09 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:10 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:10 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:11 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:12 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:13 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:14 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:40 pm
Wow! This is probably the first instance that Second Person perspective that I have read has been really good. None of that choose your own adventure crap. It made you feel like you were the character. It seemed very depressing though, that and it illided to some sort of illness that the main character has but doesn't name anything. All in all though I like it.
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 6:44 pm
Wow. That was really nice, it really cleaned up nice at the end. There is a bit in the middle that could probably be shortened or otherwise changed so that it contributed to the ending more, but overall the prose is just really really pretty. Your "voice" is very clear, very pretty.
But one nitpicky comment. Dogs don't sweat.
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Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 9:53 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:29 am
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Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:49 am
I was assuming the PTSD. 3nodding I think the thing about surgery and the arm made it clear very nicely.
I wouldn't put exposition outside the story. If you can't intigrate into the story it's a problem, which was actually something I was going to mention about you saying the narrator was a girl. If we really need to know that the fact should exist within the story.
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Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 8:14 am
You should try to find some Great Depression-related imagery and stick it in. I didn't get that it was about the Depression at all. I got depression. But not the Depression.
You know, dusty old yellow photographs, deserts, homeless, food under mattresses, money buried in coffee cans in the backyard. That sort of thing. Maybe that will help take your reader back eighty years.
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Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 2:29 pm
arddunaid You should try to find some Great Depression-related imagery and stick it in. I didn't get that it was about the Depression at all. I got depression. But not the Depression. You know, dusty old yellow photographs, deserts, homeless, food under mattresses, money buried in coffee cans in the backyard. That sort of thing. Maybe that will help take your reader back eighty years. Same here. I didn't realize it was about the Depression until I read your comment. Maybe mention the Hoover flags or something? Drop more obvious hints.
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