Ilyas had known for a long time that he wanted to be with Afsar, that he wanted her to be his. They had been friends since forever, it seemed, and they knew each other's moods and mannerism, likes and dislikes. For him, being with her was just as natural as breathing.He liked that he didn't feel he had to behave in any special way to impress her. Not that he would have done so anyway. It was not a pad's duty to change his nature or his ways to make a better impression on his banu. Banu were to to be protected and treasured, yes, but at the end of the day they were not a pad's equal. Not in any of the areas that counted, anyway.
Which was really a matter of separate spheres, now that Ilyas thought about it. Skills and traits which were desirable and sought after in banu were not encouraged in pesars or pads. A pesar learned to hunt for himself when he went in search of his banu, but within the pride it wasn't exactly a mark of manliness to be able to do so. Hunting was a banu's task and most pads wouldn't be caught doing it unless they really loved it in and of itself. But that was just an example.
So perhaps it was possible for banu to be the equal of a pad, but in different areas. Which made the point moot, as far as Ilyas was concerned, because if the two skill sets were completely incomparable, there was no way to determine who was better or worse, or even if they were equals. It was more sensible, perhaps, to say that someone was a good banu or a good pad, and leave off any attempt at comparison between the two.
Except for the fact that he'd heard it said that a good banu was stuck with a bad pad, and vice versa, which meant that there was some comparison going on and being made. The standards, dual or otherwise, didn't much interest or concern Ilyas. He knew that his banu were good, and that his beybanu was the best, for many reason relating both to the skills and behavior a banu should exhibit and his own personal feelings for the lionesses.
This brought his thoughts back to Afsar, as she was one of the lionesses in his harem. His beybanu, specifically. She had waited for him while he went on that ridiculously long quest. That meant more to him than he could easily express, and he wasn't likely to try. He wasn't undemonstrative by any means, and was quite close with his family, but at the same time he knew perfectly well what was expected of him as his father's son, and in some ways he felt he had already been a disappointment on that front.
And that came from very early on in his life. Zeki was his younger brother, and yet he had been the first to be given a banu. That wasn't right. It still struck Ilyas as not being right, even though he and his brother had officially made their peace over that incident and all subsequent ones. It was hard to just forget a lifetime of rivalry and resentment, dismissing it as if it had never happened and everything between them was fine and fair. It was still tense and strained, but politely so. That would have to be enough to satisfy propriety.
Of course there was the matter of banu, too. Ilyas thought that Afsar was the perfect beybanu for him, but it could be said of Itzel that she was, perhaps, a bit substandard. Oh, she was certainly attractive, but she was not as young as many captured banu were and there was undeniably something wrong with her brain. It just wasn't normal for someone to forget so much. A part of him wondered if she had been cursed at some point, but he didn't believe enough in the gods to put much stock in that idea. He wondered, if they had cubs, when they cubs would come out mentally odd like their mother. He hoped they wouldn't.
But he wouldn't be having cubs with her just yet. Afsar had made her wishes known - subtly of course - that she wanted to bear him his first litter, and would not be well pleased if it turned out otherwise. A pad's role was that of the head of the family, but he knew that only an unwise pad denied his beybanu that sort of wish if it was within his power to grant it. An unhappy beybanu could make more trouble within a harem than anything else. Even a kajira. After all, one tended to expect trouble and difficulty from kajira, but a beybanu was supposed to be a supportive partner. When they took it into their heads to be problematic, Ilyas guessed it would go very badly for their pad. He did not want to be that pad.
And so he didn't do any of the things pads and banu do to produce cubs. Not with Itzel, anyway. Not with Afsar either, though. It wasn't that he was unsure of the mechanics, but somehow it felt a little odd to do those things with Afsar. They had been friends before he began to see her in a romantic, physically attractive way, and somehow having talked with her and gotten to know her as a person rather than as just someone who could fill the role of beybanu made it a little awkward for him to broach the subject. He would have to at some point, of course. He knew that. But maybe he could put it off a little longer.
It was shameful, though, for a pad to be reluctant to seek pleasure with his banu. Cowardly and pathetic. Ilyas was disgusted with himself. But still no closer to going into the den and doing the deed. Itzel would be there, too, after all. What would she do if he and Afsar became intimate? Would she sit there and listen? That didn't appeal to Ilyas at all. But neither did the idea of having her just go and sit outside the den until they were done. If anything, that was worse. Perhaps he could make up an errand for her to run or something.
"Feh," he exclaimed, tired of thinking about this. He was a lion of quick decisions and action, and right now he was just going to go into the den and see what happened. Maybe nothing, maybe something glorious, but he couldn't just sit here forever, wondering and worrying like a woman.
