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 Posted: Mon Mar 07, 2011 4:31 pm
Please, rate some of these razz there's a couple that I want critiqued. I don't even care if you hate it, tell me XD
Life and Love
Love ends
hope starts
continues life
Blue
I open my eyes to the purest blue
I see none, except for you.
On the edge of naught you stand
and to me you hold out your hand.
Ever gently you touch my face
and I alight your cheek with grace
then suddenly, you are gone.
Falling, falling, down and down
ever rushing to the ground.
You reach your hand into the sky
with sad eyes say your last goodbye.
I try to follow none the warier,
but am stopped in my tracks by the clearest barrier.
A storm of tears streams down my cheek
and I fight and fight until I'm weak.
I try and try but don't succeed,
pound and pound until I bleed.
One final time I call your name
In my heart, I'm to blame.
My soul and spirit shrink so small,
and forever, ever you will fall.
Invisible
Where
Has the world gone
When I look beneath my feet?
Where
Is the love gone
When I see your empty seat?
Who
Are my loved ones
When we never can really meet?
Who
Are the lost ones
That death so quickly greets?
Why
Am I so empty
As I sway to the beat?
Why
Have you gone and left me
And left me oh-so weak?
How
Are you doing on your lonesome
While I stare at this empty sheet?
How
Can the world be so cruel
Yet still act so elite?
What
Is the cause of this
Being so incomplete?
What
Is the meaning
If I can't even dream to compete?
When
Will salvation come
To pull me from the heat?
When
Did you leave me
Oh, why oh why did you cheat?
Explode
Dead.
Motionless.
What is there left to live for?
Dread.
Helplessness.
Death comes knocking at my door.
No light at the end of the tunnel.
No spark to lead the way.
Death comes knocking at my door.
It is my final day.
Then, Shh... the time has come.
The gun is cocked and loaded
A voice uttered a single word
and then the world exploded.
'Boom'
Drowning
Waves
Crash against the rocky shore
Pulling me under further more
Waves
With their mysterious blue
Captivate me with they're playful hue
Waves
Fill my lungs of stone
Tell me that I'm not alone
Waves
Greet me in the dark
Dance around me in blue-green sparks
Waves
I am they're love alone
Take me into their cold-stone home
Waves
Embrace me in a plane
Where there is no sorrow and there is no pain
long post is really long
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 9:31 am
All of them are cool. keep up the good work.
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Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 10:15 pm
I'm going to get right to it, and I mean absolutely no offense, I'm just over caffeinated and love reading. (: All my questions and comments will be in orange to make it easier, and feel free to tell me to shut up at any time, it's entirely possible I'm just not seeing your vision. :3
Life and Love
Love ends
hope starts
continues life
~Would it make more sense to capitalize hope and Continues, since they're both starting new lines? Or were you going for one complete sentence?
~I like the inversion in the final line, but would a single syllable word work as well? Because then you can maintain your established meter.
Blue
I open my eyes to the purest blue
I see none, except for you.
On the edge of naught you stand
and to me you hold out your hand.
(You go from 7 to 8 syllables here, maybe reword so that it's consistent?)
Ever gently you touch my face
and I alight your cheek with grace
then suddenly, you are gone.
(Love the suddenness of this line!)
Falling, falling, down and down
ever rushing to the ground.
You reach your hand into the sky
with sad eyes say your last goodbye.
(Your syllables match here, but you lost the steady beat you had established.)
I try to follow none the warier,
but am stopped in my tracks by the clearest barrier.
(This couplet seems slightly wordy, although it is wonderful for portraying your message.)
A storm of tears streams down my cheek
(To me, this would make more sense as cheeks, but I understand why you have it singular for the rhyme.)
and I fight and fight until I'm weak.
I try and try but don't succeed,
pound and pound until I bleed.
One final time I call your name
In my heart, I'm to blame.
My soul and spirit shrink so small,
and forever, ever you will fall.
(The final pair breaks the strong beat again, although if you're going for a distinct ending that may be the best way to set it apart. :3)
Overall, I really enjoyed these. I just wanted to give my two cents because you said you were hoping for input and I know sometimes another perspective can be handy.
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 2:28 pm
Tomorrow and Tomorrow I'm going to get right to it, and I mean absolutely no offense, I'm just over caffeinated and love reading. (: All my questions and comments will be in orange to make it easier, and feel free to tell me to shut up at any time, it's entirely possible I'm just not seeing your vision. :3
Life and Love
Love ends
hope starts
continues life
~Would it make more sense to capitalize hope and Continues, since they're both starting new lines? Or were you going for one complete sentence?
~I like the inversion in the final line, but would a single syllable word work as well? Because then you can maintain your established meter.
Blue
I open my eyes to the purest blue
I see none, except for you.
On the edge of naught you stand
and to me you hold out your hand.
(You go from 7 to 8 syllables here, maybe reword so that it's consistent?)
Ever gently you touch my face
and I alight your cheek with grace
then suddenly, you are gone.
(Love the suddenness of this line!)
Falling, falling, down and down
ever rushing to the ground.
You reach your hand into the sky
with sad eyes say your last goodbye.
(Your syllables match here, but you lost the steady beat you had established.)
I try to follow none the warier,
but am stopped in my tracks by the clearest barrier.
(This couplet seems slightly wordy, although it is wonderful for portraying your message.)
A storm of tears streams down my cheek
(To me, this would make more sense as cheeks, but I understand why you have it singular for the rhyme.)
and I fight and fight until I'm weak.
I try and try but don't succeed,
pound and pound until I bleed.
One final time I call your name
In my heart, I'm to blame.
My soul and spirit shrink so small,
and forever, ever you will fall.
(The final pair breaks the strong beat again, although if you're going for a distinct ending that may be the best way to set it apart. :3)
Overall, I really enjoyed these. I just wanted to give my two cents because you said you were hoping for input and I know sometimes another perspective can be handy. wow! thanks so much smile i'll definatley take your advice smile and yeah, that long one (blue) was really a throw together. plus i suck at keeping patterns XD
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 4:13 pm
Momo1013 Tomorrow and Tomorrow I'm going to get right to it, and I mean absolutely no offense, I'm just over caffeinated and love reading. (: All my questions and comments will be in orange to make it easier, and feel free to tell me to shut up at any time, it's entirely possible I'm just not seeing your vision. :3
Life and Love
Love ends
hope starts
continues life
~Would it make more sense to capitalize hope and Continues, since they're both starting new lines? Or were you going for one complete sentence?
~I like the inversion in the final line, but would a single syllable word work as well? Because then you can maintain your established meter.
Blue
I open my eyes to the purest blue
I see none, except for you.
On the edge of naught you stand
and to me you hold out your hand.
(You go from 7 to 8 syllables here, maybe reword so that it's consistent?)
Ever gently you touch my face
and I alight your cheek with grace
then suddenly, you are gone.
(Love the suddenness of this line!)
Falling, falling, down and down
ever rushing to the ground.
You reach your hand into the sky
with sad eyes say your last goodbye.
(Your syllables match here, but you lost the steady beat you had established.)
I try to follow none the warier,
but am stopped in my tracks by the clearest barrier.
(This couplet seems slightly wordy, although it is wonderful for portraying your message.)
A storm of tears streams down my cheek
(To me, this would make more sense as cheeks, but I understand why you have it singular for the rhyme.)
and I fight and fight until I'm weak.
I try and try but don't succeed,
pound and pound until I bleed.
One final time I call your name
In my heart, I'm to blame.
My soul and spirit shrink so small,
and forever, ever you will fall.
(The final pair breaks the strong beat again, although if you're going for a distinct ending that may be the best way to set it apart. :3)
Overall, I really enjoyed these. I just wanted to give my two cents because you said you were hoping for input and I know sometimes another perspective can be handy. wow! thanks so much smile i'll definatley take your advice smile and yeah, that long one (blue) was really a throw together. plus i suck at keeping patterns XD
For being thrown together, I really enoyed it! xD And as for the patterns, the only reason I have any idea what I'm doing is because we did a massive poetry unit this year. Months with no escape. cheese_whine
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