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 Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 3:45 pm
THIS IS A PRIVATE ROLEPLAY BETWEEN KYAISHI'S AMAYA AND UTA'S SHYAM.
Breathe into Me
Red
This is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
and this is where I lose myself, when I keep running away from you
This is who I am when I don't know myself anymore
and this is what I choose when it's all left up to me
Breathe your life into me, I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
breathe your life into me, I still need you
I'm falling, falling, breathe into me
This is how it looks when I'm standing on the edge
and this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
This is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain
and this is how I disappear when I throw myself away
Breathe your life into me, I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
breathe your life into me, I still need you
I'm falling, falling, breathe into me
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 4:52 pm
There was something to be said for the process of thinking ahead. The best laid plans were formed to avoid mishaps, to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts, at least wherever possible. One could avoid many a disaster simply by taking the time to consider how exactly things should go.
It was rather unfortunate that Amaya had taken no heed to this fact.
Usually one to step back and take full stock of the situation, interjecting when necessary and avoiding most unnecessary confrontations altogether- this time she had been driven purely by panic, with no consideration to the ramifications of her absence, or even the consequences such a foolhardy and ill-prepared journey would have on her. She supposed she should consider herself lucky that it had not gone worse; it most assuredly could have.
Blood-soaked forelocks clung to a damp face, veiling glistening amethyst hues as a mournful, heart-piercing wail tore from parted lips.
The mere memory of the vivid dream- it was not a premonition, she reminded herself forcefully- sent a shudder through her frame, eyes slipping closed as a chill swept over ebony fur. It was this dream of her beloved mother, crying out for her daughter to save her from a foe that she could not see or touch, that had sent her running for the path that would take her on the long journey home- except it wasn't home anymore. Distance, time away; neither of these seemed important enough to consider at the time, when there was so much- so much what?- at stake.
For a short time while on the long road to what was- not- home, when the initial terror of the perceived dream finally wore off; it was almost as if she were a child again, and she found herself excited to see her hahaue once more. Eyes brightening and pace quickening, the thought of reclaiming the feeling of safety and warmth, shelter from the world that she had once found in her mother's embrace- but now only Shyam's-- oh.
That had been the precise moment that the thought had finally come to her, and she had come to an abrupt standstill, eyes darting both ways on the path, clearly torn. She couldn't turn back now without abandoning this idea of seeing her mother completely- she wasn't sure she would be able to work up the gall to face her grandfather again if she went back now, and the journey simply from where she'd come was weeks more of travel, at best. She couldn't simply turn around- but to leave Shyam without a word of where she had gone and when she would be back? The thought made her shift anxiously, guiltily, from foot to foot in discomfort- but her decision stood.
She would simply have to hurry back.
Only she hadn't been able to. Her mother hadn't been there. Neither had her herd, for that matter- they were never actually her herd, but it was a habit that would not quit- and so she had searched, day and night, for any sign of their whearabouts. The thought that they had relocated was puzzling, if not downright confounding- the Protectors were very specific about their territory, and as far as she knew, they hadn't surrendered any of it for generations. The tiny ball of fear that had formed in the pit of her stomach was forcefully squashed down with rational thought- it simply wasn't possible for them to be wiped out; they were far too numerous, and had acquired far too many allies to have simply gone down and vanished without a trace.
So she had searched. And searched. Weeks went by, and her efforts had yielded nothing. Her worry for her mother had reached staggering heights.
And then, finally, salvation.
Only it wasn't.
She was approached by a border scout that, thankfully, seemed too young to recognize her. What he did recognize, however, was her kalona features- and there was a long, arduous argument before she made any headway whatsoever. While she couldn't begrudge their xenophobia for a number of reasons, the first and foremost being that yes, kalona were dangerous- it was starting more and more to seem like bigotry. In the end, she was denied access to their territory, but got her answers- well, some of them, anyway- from the tall, imposing figure that was her grandfather.
She was hesitant to call him that, at least to his face- the last time she had called him 'jii-sama' aloud had been when she was a young child, and she suspected that there had been a brutal reprimand in the making from the look on his face before her mother blocked her view and ushered her away. It was obviously no secret that he abhorred what she was just as much as- if not more so- than the rest of them. She remembered, fondly, that her aniki had told her to speak to him with her head down and eyes lowered if she didn't want to get cuffed for disobedience- and his advice had always worked. So, once more, she swallowed her pride, and in return, received the barest of answers.
Hahaue wasn't there. He didn't know where she was. She hadn't been there for months. The information brought her no comfort, had led her no closer to any sort of comfort than she had to begin with- no, if anything, she felt even worse. Where was hahaue then, if not here? Unprotected by the elders, where could she find safety? Jii-sama would give her no further information- as much as she expected from him, really, but her anger surfaced all the same. Was he not worried about her? She was his daughter, after all! She only received a scoff and an indeterminable look from behind his ornate mask before he turned his back on her and was gone once again. Silently, Amaya acknowledged that this would probably be the last she saw of him- but there was no love lost there.
She had searched a few more weeks on her own before her resolve finally gave out.
Although still sick with worry about her wayward mother, Amaya, presently on the last leg of her journey home (what is home), found herself fretting more with every increasing moment about the length of time she had been gone, and exactly what Shyam might have assumed in her absence. Was he searching for her? Did he think her dead? Did he think she had simply up and left him? None of the possibilities seemed any better than the other, and the rather large lump of anxiety seizing control of her heart only grew with each passing moment, with each step taken back towards the home that they had shared. Subsequently, she had taken no notice of the way her pace would slow, then speed up, then slow again.
It seemed, before she knew it, she was staring at a familiar clearing that she had once- and still- considered to be one of the happiest places in her life- if only for the fact that she had shared it with him. Had he found someone else? Given up on her? Was he hurt somewhere and needed help?
The emptiness of the space before her said nothing, but spoke volumes.
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Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:39 pm
The dual winged soquili wasn't in the exact area of their home, but he had found himself nearby. The small clearing within the thick woods had suited them well enough during the days they had healed one another from their wounds. It had been what Shyam considered a small piece of heaven reborn, as if the spirits had granted him a blessing despite his nature and wretchedness. Those days had been good, and he had been lucky to have met his angel.
Amaya truly had been something special to the fallen angeni. She had been a surprise, sudden and unknown, drifting in to his life without cause and choosing to linger. He had found her company pleasing as well as comforting. She had brought joy to him, even without him truly understanding the reason for it. She really did have a strange hold over him, a position she hadn't asked for, and a position he had never once thought to fill. But there she had been. He hadn't tried to kill her, to manipulate her, to seduce her and leave her, no. She was above all of his games, all of his tricks and encouragement of banal desire. He believed, without a doubt, that she was the one he had fallen from grace for so many years prior. . .
And that was okay. He'd fall for her again and suffer torment for eternity just for a few more moments with her there. While Shyam understood her place in his life, he didn't entirely understand why she had chosen to stay. And he had wondered if perhaps she might wake up one day and realize her lot in life. The winged angeni had hoped not, had wished to keep her, and everything had seemed well. . .
Until the day he woke to find her gone. They each roamed and parted ways now and then, but they always had found their way back to one another. This last time though, Shyam had lingered, and waited, and waited, and continued to wait. It didn't take him long to realize that Amaya wasn't coming back, and that she must have moved on with her life.
His angel had visited, had granted him peace, but then the spirits had calle her away. She had chosen to leave him, just as she had chosen to stay, and that was that.
There were no tears, there was no grief as Shyam felt himself too composed to weep. But he had wondered, had pondered, and whether or not he had admitted it, he had hurt. The pain that gripped him had been deep, even if her abandonment wasn't at all surprising. He had told her, had known all along that this day would come . . . but he didn't enjoy it any less. No, the winged stallion had felt a sort of pain that no physical wound could compare.
And so Shyam had left. After sitting for a few weeks, lingering in the area, hopeful for any sign he soon felt the need to travel. And travel he had. Life had resumed as if Amaya had never been present, and he had continued his life of misery. He encouraged others to enjoy a lifestyle unknown to them, had seduced both males and females alike, and had killed and eaten is fill of the innocent. But even as he roamed, he found his heart still focused only on that of his angel.
No other mare interested him. No other mare captured his heart, and even amidst the pain, he couldn't stop his feelings for her. So it was on this evening that the stallion had picked his way back to their little plot of land. It wasn't as if they had truly settled, but it was familiar and it was the only place that could stir up those feelings and hurt.
This was hell.
He did it to himself, in part, but he couldn't help it. There was a sense of hope that maybe, just maybe, the spirits would spare him the quiet torment they inflicted upon him. It was as if he were a stallion possessed, and while he had no expectations, he could still meander nearby and remember clearly, vividly, of his time spent with Amaya. The memories were blissful and horrible all at once.
Step by step, the stallion was oblivious to the fact that the unikalona wasn't far off. He hadn't brought himself to the heart of the clearing, and was still lurking through the nearby shadows and trees. He stepped slowly, considering the surroundings, his mind thinking only of that time he had felt peace, with only his chains clinking and giving his position away. Unaware, Shyam slowly moved, a ghost, a phantom just like the face of his beloved.
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Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:03 pm
He wasn't here.
Had she really expected him to be? Thought that after all this time, after so long of living in uncertainty, that he would just go on waiting here, in this empty place, for someone that for all he knew, was never coming back? It was unfair to expect that of him... just because he had been her fairytale prince didn't mean he didn't have limits as well.
Amaya had never believed in fairytales or 'happily ever afters'- least of all for herself. They were nice to fantasize about from time to time, and there was nothing wrong with a little optimism- but there was a fine line between optimism and naivety. When she had grown out of her blind faith that everything would always turn out fine with a little hard work and a good attitude (which was admittedly much, much earlier on in her life than it should have been), she had adapted a much more practical view, and let go of most hopes for anything even faintly resembling what she had held with Shyam. When he had come along and shattered all her perceptions of what could and should be, she'd found herself once more in that foolish place of blindly hoping for things that would, under any other circumstances, have seemed impossible.
Keeping herself from wanting it was much, much easier than letting go of it once she had it.
Not that she had a choice in the matter now. The decision had been made months ago, when she had chosen to continue on to her mother instead of turning back for Shyam. She supposed it was only fitting- no doubt the gods were laughing at her misfortune, to lose the only two souls that had ever meant anything to her in the course of a few months.
Ears folding back against her head as sorrow and regret filled the cavity she had once believed her heart to be- surely there was nothing left of it now- she took a hesitant step forward into the- empty, so empty- clearing. So many warm, happy memories made here... their time together had been short, but beautiful. Despair filled her at the thought that there would be no more warm smiles, no more soft embraces, no more loving words. There was a burning behind her throat and eyes that she didn't wish to acknowledge, refused to heed as her steps carried her closer to the center of the clearing, head lowered in an attempt to catch the barest whiff of his faded scent.
Instead, there was only the coppery smell of blood long dried.
Grief choked her as glittering silver irises alit on one remembrance after another, no sign of anyone having been there in quite some time- she imagined he'd probably stayed for the first few weeks, but given up not much longer after that. Did he still think of her? Still miss her? Did he hate her for choosing to leave him? She couldn't imagine that he could hate anyone, had never even seen him angry- but he would have been justified in having such feelings. She couldn't imagine what she would have thought in his place- resentment, perhaps, if not anger. Sadness most of all, though; what he had given her was not something that could ever be replaced, and she couldn't truly be angry with him when he had given her so much and asked so little in return. That he had the possibility of finding someone more deserving of his love was enough.
In any case, he was not here. There was no point in lingering... and yet, she couldn't bring herself to simply walk away. There was so much here... this place, it seemed, was all she had left to remember him by. And she would remember him.
A familiar clanking sound of metal and metal brought her head up so fast it was a wonder her neck was still in one piece, ears standing up to attention and eyes as wide as they would ever get. She knew that sound, knew those footsteps... but no, it couldn't be. The clearing was obviously not lived in any longer- perhaps her mind was simply playing tricks on her in her exhaustion and grief? But no, the sound persisted, growing louder, and she found her knees quaking in anticipation and dread.
When he finally appeared, apparently not having taken notice of her as he ventured closer to the clearing's edge, her mouth grew dry and her body became unresponsive. He was just the same- looking at him, she could almost believe that nothing had changed, and the tears that she had suppressed started to burn their way to the surface once more, though she stalwartly refused to let them fall. She opened her mouth, but her vocal chords seemed not to function.
"Shyam?" she finally forced out a strangled whisper, tremulous as it was, silver eyes glistening in the pale moonlight of the deserted clearing. If this turned out to be some sort of hallucination, real or not, she wanted to remember every detail of his face, his voice, the love in his eyes, as it had once been.
She wanted him to be real, though. More than she had ever wanted anything.
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Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2011 7:35 pm
Shyam wasn't the most sane of creatures. While he could hold a conversation, while he was quite intelligent, and could be wickedly cruel, he had been forever cursed. The gods had given him something of an inability to remember who he had fallen for, and most lovers he took were quickly forgotten as soon as they left his sight. In part, he chose not to remember, because they weren't important. They had offered him affecton or amusement or to be used as some sort of mission, to break them of some good deed and allow them to remove their inhibitions. But soon after his goals were achieved, be it seduction or manipulation or destruction, he grew bored and left.
Forever drifting . . .forever a terrible phantom cursed upon the land. He knew he had the ability to be good and kind and pure and wholesome, but he chose not to be. This was the path he had traveled, this was the world he walked, and he would be damned if he'd allow the heavens to control him once more. But despite everything, somehow the ebony mare had sung to him, had broken through the barriers he had made, the detachment he had felt from everyone and everything. Somehow, Amaya gave him a new purpose, a new meaniing. He hadn't killed so many while with her; he certainly hadn't attempted to seduce any other; and he had kept himself almost on a bit of good behavior.
He understood that she would have to accept all of him, since he would never find redemption in himself. For awhile, Shyam had believed that she actually had, that for some reason, she chose to accept him, faults and all. It had amazed him, had confused him, and in a sense had actually scared him some. He had never admitted his fear, and likely never would, but he couldn't possibly imagine someone could love him. He was broken, shattered, and essentially evil.
So why . . .how . . . .would she stay?
It was a beautiful fiction, but fiction nonetheless. And soon she had taken her leave, despite her kind words, despite her affections. Somehow, something must have turned and she had found her relationship with him (unsurprisingly) unfavorable. He didn't blame her, and he certainly didn't hate her. Sometimes angels weren't meant to last, and so he accepted the path she chose. He had wished she might have at least told him goodbye, but . . . .at least there were memories.
The red eyes stallion as so lost in thought, in reflection, that he completely missed the sight of Amaya standing there. He was too busy trying to remember time spent by her side, the detail of her armor, the scent of her mane, the inflection of her voice. He didn't want to miss any detail, didn't want her to become just 'some mare' . He had loved her once (or so he believed) and he had found her and loved her again. But this time he refused to forget.
So lost in thought, slowly stepping out of the woods in to the small clearing, he could have been convinced he heard her call his name. In fact, his eyes lifted from the ground and suddenly he found an apparition before him. So the fates were mocking him. Or at least his brain was. But the sound of his name, the way she trembled, the way she looked. There was too much detail for this to be just some mockery, this . . .this was her. She was here, she was back, and he had stumbled upon her once more.
The striped stallion froze, though his slightly mournful expression never changed. For a long moment he said nothing, taking her in with his gaze, eating up the sight of her. If this be trick, than let him be haunted by the ghost of her forever. "You always were beautiful." He murmured, suddenly breaking himself of his frozen stare and slowly making his way closer.
How long had she been there? How long had he kept her waiting? Where had she gone, and why was she here? "I do hope I haven't kept you waiting, or disturbed you." It was true. He didn't know if he should apologize for returning to this sacred place or if he should apologize for being gone whenever she had returned.
Anger, grief, sadness, emotions had stalled. He wanted to smile, but he couldn't quite manage. He didn't know how to approach things now that his beloved angel had returned. He knew how he felt (after the shock wore off, of course) but he did worry about how she would greet him. Perhaps she wished him to leave, to be ridden of him for good. But if that were the case, he'd have to hear it from her.
He'd let her set the tone of this meeting, even if a part of him was terrified of the results. Would this be a blessing? Or would the gods once more make a mockery of his life.
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Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:18 pm
The familiar words, the warm tones, the glimmer of his crimson eyes- it was all so perfect that she wished she could capture that point in time and hold onto it forever, never to fade away with time. She hadn't realized just how much she had missed him, hadn't realized how empty the gaping hole in her heart had been without him until now. She could almost pretend that nothing was wrong, that she had only just come back from a short trip outside their clearing, and he had simply waited and greeted her upon her return.
Wishing and pretending, though, were a dangerous means of escape from reality- if the bait was the memory of her perfect times with Shyam, she feared she would never accept reality again.
Although he did not voice it, did not speak a word of accusation or anger as he rightfully should have, she could sense that her absence had hurt him- that he, at this moment, was almost as painfully uncertain as herself. The hesitant manner in which he held himself almost broke her aching heart all over again- she had never seen him in anything but cool confidence, even in the most trying of times. What must it say for him to be out of sorts before her? Her own limbs were still trembling faintly from the anxiety that still hadn't released its hold over her, and likely would not until the tension between them was resolved.
'You were always beautiful.' The words themselves made her choke on a gasping breath, trying valiantly to hold the burning tears back- she had cried enough before him to last a lifetime already. And then he expressed concern at having made her wait. Actually apologized, in so many words. To her? While she had left him alone for months with not a word of warning? Sometimes she felt she would never understand his limitless patience with her, but it made her love him all the more.
"You could never disturb me," the response she managed was decidedly weak, voice tremulous in her effort to still her nervousness, and the desire to run into his embrace seemed stronger than ever. "And I haven't been waiting." Not long enough to have made a fool of herself, anyway. She could still scarcely believe that he was here- but there was no mistaking that uneasiness in his eyes. Her mind wouldn't conjure that up on a whim; she had never seen him quite like this before.
A moment of silence followed, and it slowly became clear that he was awaiting her to make the first move, so to speak. Lowering her head in shamefaced regret, she allowed her eyes to drop from his face to the trodden ground beneath his hooves before they slid closed, ears laying back and wings shifting to a slightly more limp posture. It was nothing of the dignified grace she was accustomed to carrying herself with.
"I... I am... so sorry, Shyam. I never meant to leave you."
It was a weak apology, she knew, but the words just would not come to her in any sort of eloquence this cold night. Having to face the terrible possibility of losing him, even when he was right here, made her tongue feel thick in her mouth, made her knees weak with fear. What was there to say? Nothing could take away the months that she had left him here, all alone- and he had waited. Words couldn't heal the hurt and betrayal he must have felt when he woke one morning to find her gone. Spending what must have been months simply waiting, weeks more of trying to leave this place behind.
Apologies were inadequate. Excuses were irrelevant. It was what it was, and he would either accept her or send her away, and she could only offer him one simple truth in its wake, tone of voice aching with all the love and wistfulness of a long-absent lover.
"I missed you so."
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Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:01 pm
So she was real. He watched her as she suddenly seemed to gasp, to choke on words, to . . . to be pained. His brows knit ever so slightly, and his ankle wings gave a small flutter in protest. She shouldn't have to look that way. In fact, the stallion couldn't understand exactly why she was so upset! Had it been something he'd said?
Shyam, to reiterate, was truly disturbed. He just didn't think like other soquili, like a traditional creature would. He harbored endless amounts of patience and very rarely, if ever, lost his temper. Yes, Amaya had suddenly disappeared out of his life, and he had lingered, waited, held on to hope that she might return. Of course, he had eventually left and wandered a bit, trying to find his way without his angel, but that hadn't worked very well. So he had returned, and he had lingered near the underbrush, hoping that she might someday return.
Strangely enough, his hope and desire came true. And even though he had hurt while she had gone, right now, all he could realize was that she was back. Those weeks and months time without her were suddenly washed away, a memory, a blip of time, a spot of yesterday. They didn't matter right now because here she was. And strangely enough, she had claimed to miss him.
If she had missed him, than did that mean that she still cared? Perhaps she didn't care about him yesterday, but right now, right here, she seemed to once again. As he stared at her figure, her head bowed, her wings limp, apologizing to him, Shyam couldn't possibly stand to see her in such a state. No. If ever she needed a little support, now was it.
"I don't doubt that you did what you had to do." Just because she did something for herself didn't mean she did it against him. Perhaps she hadn't left out of spite, out of realization that he was a monster. And he was. "But I . . . I am terribly happy to see my angel once more. " And that was the truth. Though he had hesitated, it was only because he couldn't seem to find the right words. It was as if a pain had been lifted, had been cured, just because she stood there. There had been an ache in his own life, an emptiness none could fill. He had sometimes pretended that what had happened between them had been a fluke - and it had been - but no one could take her place.
In a sudden movement, he was over to where she stood. He couldn't resist, and leaned down so he could softly nuzzle her face, encouraging her to look up and stand tall. It was also a gentle gesture, but there was still hesitation in him, a moments uncertainty. She had left, but did she return to take her place as they had been once before? Or . . . or was she here only for a short while, a temporary time?
He didn't know. He wanted to wrap her in his wings as he had before, to assure her that everything was well and everything was right. It could be, it very well might be, but he did find a slight concern that she might disappear yet again. If she blinked, would she be gone? "Tell me. Is this real? Or am I just tormenting myself in something that once was and is not to be again?" It wouldn't surprise him in the least if this was all in his head, a hell he never realized existed. No amount of physical pain could match the heartache he felt with the mare vanished without a word. "Are you come home . . . or is this but a fleeting moment, one to be forgotten come morning?"
He had to know. He still spoke confidently, there wasn't hesitation in his words, though there was a strange sort of shadow that lingered in his gaze. A hurt he wasn't quite ready to be rid of. He didn't expect Amaya to stay with him forever, but he didn't know if their time apart had changed her, had brought her to her senses, a realization that he WAS a beast. If she had no feelings for him any longer, he wanted to be sure before he deluded himself in to thinking otherwise.
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Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:32 pm
Relief. Sudden, knee-shaking relief flooded her at the words that fell from his lips, accompanied closely by a wave of warm affection and tenderness so strong in its intensity it was almost dizzying. His angel. Even after she had, good intentions aside, abandoned him with no word of whether or not she would return at all, there were no questions, no words of accusation or rejection- not even a single word of admonishment or desire for an explanation. Only acceptance... only the one thing she had vied for almost her entire life, to receive from the one soul who she least deserved it from.
Shortly following the revelation on the outset of her journey that she had left him behind with no explanation, she had briefly considered the possibility of having brought him with her- but it was a foolish thought. At best, she would be barred from entering her grandfather's territory- at worst, she would be attacked on sight. If she had a Fallen with her... there was little insight into what exactly went on in her jii-sama's head. He might have chosen to attack Shyam as well, and he had already suffered more than enough pain and strife at her own hands to risk putting him through something similar. She had reluctantly accepted that this journey was one that she had to make alone- although it was of questionable logic that she chose not to turn back to warn him of her absence.
His gentle touch to her face brought a small, tremulous smile to her ebon' features, returning the gesture as the urge to wrap herself in his embrace and simply forget the last few months of suffering for both of them. He seemed all-too-willing to do just that... but she owed him better than that, did she not? An explanation, at the very least, even if he didn't ask it of her. Whether he forgave her or not, she couldn't bear the risk of letting him think that he was at fault for it in the least. A few steps back created enough of a distance from his presence that she felt would better accomodate a serious conversation, without the urge to simply forget what plagued them and bask in the love of the other.
Before she could even contemplate a way to start such a discussion, though, he spoke again, and the hesitant hope that had started to bloom in his eyes and posture, darkened by the doubts that he now voiced before her, broke her already wounded heart further. She knew well what that meant- she had spent many a night on her return journey dreaming of his face, his voice, his loving presence, only to wake to find the space beside her vacant and cold. It was a cruel reminder of just what she had left behind in her haste to find her mother- but no less than she deserved. Shyam, however, had done absolutely nothing wrong, and deserved none of the heartache that she had unintentionally bestowed upon him.
And that word... 'home'. She had never truly considered its connotations at length- before, it had simply been associated with vague memories of motherly love and sibling rivalry. In truth, nothing else but her hahaue and aniki had ever truly made that place home- it was simply where her childhood had taken place, 'home' by default. At seeing her grandfather again, though... her mother and brother long gone, it had held none of those fond memories or rose-colored perceptions. It was simply, as it truly was, a place where she had been, and continued to be shunned for what she was. On the onset of the return journey, though, she had begun to contemplate what that word truly meant. Her dreams were brightened with visions of crimson eyes, tender words and protective instincts. 'Home' was no longer associated with her mother's love or her brother's encouragement, but of warm embraces, sweet nothings, and comfortable silences. Not even to this place in particular, but to the one that had brought those memories. Her place- her home- was by his side.
One step forward, hesitant. Another step, slightly steadier in its resolve. Then a third as she met his eyes only inches away, as if to prove by touch and scent that she was not a vision, not a cruel hallucination meant to taunt him with what would never be again. "No, Shyam... I am real, and I don't believe even the gods themselves could give me the strength to tear myself from your side again, if I even wanted to." Slowly, as if a faster movement would send him away like a skittish rabbit, one leathery, taloned wing lifted, its tip outstretching until it made the barest of touches with the fur of his cheek, to prove her words. Briefly, she let it linger before it slid down and refolded against her side, though she didn't take a step back to gain distance as she spoke once again. "And I am home to stay, koibito, if you'll still have me."
She meant those words. If, heaven forbid, she found enough of a reason to venture away from this place once again, she would do so only with his blessing, or his presence at her side. In all honesty, with how protective he could be, she doubted he'd let her venture anywhere without him that wasn't completely necessary. That suited her just fine- she couldn't imagine wanting to leave him behind and repeat this experience again, for any reason.
"I love you," the soft proclamation was almost a whisper, but lacked nothing in resolve as she met his eyes, willing him to believe the words. She wouldn't choose to leave him so easily, least of all without any explanation, no matter what he might have said or done beforehand. Her love was not conditional- she would not leave him for being what he was, whether she truly understood the implications of such an existence or not. His doubts- while it would be hypocritical of her to say were bad- were nonetheless unnecessary. "Now and forevermore."
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Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 2:23 pm
Shyam waited to see how the ebony mare would respond to his words. He had surprised himself with the term, home, but he was't going to take it back. Life with Amaya had changed so drastically. He had never felt more at east around a particular soquili, had never felt such affection and love, and most certainly had never thought he could feel such passion and desire. She had changed his life and had given it some sort of meaning. Where before he had been nothing but a fallen monster, with the unikalona at his side, he felt as if he had a purpose and duty. Not just to himself anymore, not to his spite at the gods, but a duty to her.
That was something he had lacked for years. She gave him a reason to want to live, a reason to continue to defy the spirits that made his life hell. It was she he had fallen for, and finding her once more had only caused his heart to soar. Her love was a blessing, a blessing he knew he didn't deserve, but one he would forever cherish.
The striped male had never thought he could love. He would have guessed the spirits would have turned on him, would have taken away his love of loves and kept them apart. But they hadn't, and he had found her. He wouldn't let her go, wouldn't forget her this time, even if she drifted from his side and sight. She deserved so much more than he could give, and yet here she was, willing to stay, accepting him as he had never been accepted before.
Quite a strange pair they made, the Fallen with the Unikalona. When he had first approached her, when they had first met, he had never thought that she might be the missing piece of his heart. But now that she was here, everything was better, everything was new, everything was . . . good. A small smile crossed his features, and he tilted his head a bit so he might nuzzle his cheek softly against the tip of her wing. "Of course I will have you, for even without you here, my heart was always, and has always, been yours."
Looking her in the eye, he leaned forward and gingerly nuzzled her own face and cheek. Just the touch of her was amazing and part of him wondered how he had managed so long without her. Love . . . he had given up his place in the heavens to be with her, and it was worth every moment. "Love isn't a strong enough word for my affections," he admitted with a little smile. Another tender nuzzle and the mohawked stallion let loose of any and all insecurity he might have felt.
"I am curious though. Might I hear of some of your adventures away from my side? Was there anything of interest to note in your journey?"
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Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:26 pm
Though he had already absolved her of her terror that he would reject her, the words that he offered made the smile that graced her features widen until her cheeks ached from the use of the neglected muscles, her heart released from the bounds of anxiety and tension to leap into flight. The touch of her wingtip upon the silken fur of his cheek was suddenly not enough- but then he was there, his muzzle touching to her own face in a loving, affectionate greeting she could only interpret as 'welcome home'. How had she survived all these months without him?
Basking in the warmth of his love and affection was an addiction she didn't think she would ever be able to give up- though it seemed that even if she was, he wouldn't allow her to. His words were a balm to the ache that had developed with the lack of his presence and her own insecurities, and finally, finally the dark worry that had plagued her constantly throughout the passing weeks drifted away with the passing breeze. Silver eyes closed in bliss at the relief as she nuzzled into his mane, breathing a soft sigh, until the full impact of his words made her pause to consider.
Though they made her heart melt, something about the way he said '[had] always' raised an alarm in her mind- perhaps it was his inflections or the tone of the statement, but it almost sounded too literal to be interpreted in the traditional romantic sense. Or perhaps she was overanalyzing, and it was simply her imagination. Whatever the case, it still was a heartwarming thought, to even consider the possibility that Fate had intended the two of them to be together- whether she believed in Fate or not. She loved him more than she could put into words, more than she had thought was possible for a creature like herself- and if their meeting was fated in the stars, then all the strife she had endured until now; the guilt, the loneliness, the isolation... it was all worth it.
His last question, though not unexpected, gave her pause.
"I'm afraid I would have to start from the beginning, if you hoped to understand all of it." She offered a somewhat hesitant smile, slightly ill-at-ease at the prospect, now that it was out in the open. It wasn't as if she didn't trust him with the information- oh no, his knowledge of the scars hidden beneath her mask was enough to quell any doubts she might have had about that- but there was still some remnant of family pride, ingrained into her despite her cruel upbringing by the Clan, that kept her quiet about the ill nature of her origins. Of course her mother had shielded her as best she could, but there was only so much she could do when her grandfather's ire set the others on edge around her. Despite that, she didn't wish them ill, she was still proud of the strength of her family line and didn't want others to think bady of them. Her grandfather's bigotry and xenophobia may have seemed unjust and unfair when imposed upon her, but it wasn't unreasonable, and it was not without basis.
"Are you sure you wish to hear it all? It will not be short," the excuse sounded hollow to her own ears, offering a slightly uneasy smile as her weight shifted uncomfortably under his knowing crimson gaze. Of course she had been ready to share with him the reasons for her absence for quite some time- she had simply never considered all of the ramifications that sharing that story would entail. To understand it, he would need to know the whole story, and while she knew Shyam wasn't usually one to judge- at least when it came to her- sometimes she underestimated his protectiveness. Even from demons that could now only reach her in her mind.
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Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 11:23 am
((Zomgs. Sorry this is so short. ._. ))
Shyam studied the ebony mare as she looked up at him, as she spoke her words. There was something strange about the way she suddenly behaved, something that seemed to reach out and inhibit her. Was she running from something or someone? Was there a history that she didn't feel comfortable sharing? Did she not wish to let him know of her travels or journeys? The fallen beast gave the slightest tilt of his head, though his crimson gaze was still shrouded in affection and love for her. That was something he hoped she would never forget or overlook.
Still, he didn't want to push her or cause her doubt. Reaching forward, he gave her cheek another gentle nuzzle and reached out with one of his tattered and disheveled wings. "I do not mind a long story, since there is no rush or hurry to be away from this place." He reassured her, offering a small smile. Truly, there was no place he wanted to be right now than here, with her. Where did they have to go? No where. They had all the time in the world to talk, to discuss, to be together. "But," he added with a small nod, "if this is something you do not wish to speak of now, than feel no pressure. When you are ready and comfortable to discuss such events, you know I will listen." And that was that. It didn't matter if she wanted to delve in to the conversation at this very moment. He wasn't going to push her to do something she didn't wish to do, and he wasn't going to pry in to her history without her consent.
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Posted: Sun May 29, 2011 11:39 pm
For a moment, it seemed as if he might question her hesitation, and the tension about her form became almost palpable in the air. Although her anxiety was centered around this line of questioning, it became apparent to Amaya after a moment that it wasn't his reaction she was nervous about as much as actually disclosing the events of her upbringing without bias. Of course she had mixed feelings about the Clan, her grandfather... her brother. That in particular was one issue she hadn't dared to touch upon in years- the hurt was still too raw. The real problem was wondering whether she could keep herself separated from the memories, and not fall into old regrets, reopen old wounds.
At his gentle reassurances, however, and the unspoken invitation of his outstretched wing, the adoration in those crimson irises... she could not bring herself to deny him. Lowering her head to brush her muzzle against the underside of that outstretched wing, she ducked her form under it, turning to settle against his side, unable to resist the urge to lean against his sturdy weight. head on his shoulder, though she was careful to avoid his skin with the sharp points of her horns. So often she relied on his strength, his sturdiness, however reluctantly... this time she would allow herself to take what he offered so freely, still reveling in the knowledge that he was there. Still hers.
"I was born to a loving mother, descended from a long line of strong Unicorns... though my blood was tainted, impure, by the seed of a kalona."
It seemed the simplest place to start, though she was unsure of how exactly to describe the trials of her childhood, her mother's kindness, her grandfather's cold indifference. She thought she need not elaborate on her mother's impregnation by a kalona... jii-sama would never have allowed her to taint the family line knowingly, and Amaya had never heard anything of her father, later to reach the assumption that the incident was simply too painful for her mother to talk about.
"My mother was a Healer..."
She went on to explain that the Clan was divided into two factions, simply known as Healers and Protectors. Any individual that showed aptitude for healing at an early age was immediately swept up for instruction by the elder Healers, and those without any particular talent for healing were labeled as Protectors, and subject to a rather harsh regimen of physical training. Her grandfather was the Clan's overseer, the head Protector; her mother one of the most talented Healers. Amaya had heard distant rumors that her hahaue might have been destined to become one of the Clan's elder Healers, but the birth of her half-breed child had spoiled any chance she had of that.
"My grandfather... he was a harsh man." A slightly bitter smile twisted her lips here, silver hues glazing over in memory. "I used to think it was unfair, that he hated me so, and blamed hahaue for what I was... but eventually, his prejudices proved to have merit." She shook her head, moving to rest a wing of her own over Shyam's back to lean against him more fully, absorbing his warmth and letting sigh escape her lungs- she was getting ahead of herself.
"I had... an older brother." This was hardest, the digging into old wounds never fully healed as the thoughts of her aniki brought about the harsh sting of loss. "Half-brother, actually. He was a Protector... my grandfather's prodigy. His favorite." Her eyes clouded over here, the mingling sense of pain and nostalgia overwhelming her connection to the present as a shuddering breath escaped her lungs. "He was my hero. As much as hahaue was my happiness... he was my strength. My hope. I wanted to be just like him- I resolved to become a Protector like him, so I could fight by his side to keep hahaue safe... even though being alienated from the Clan made that impossible. He protected me from Grandfather's ire, from most of the cruelty the rest of the Clan showed us." Amidst the feelings of loss, there was joy there, amongst memories of play-fights, teasing and laughter, even the rare times when he would allow her to wear his mask, far too large on her petite form, to pretend he was a monster to slay.
"And then... one day, he was gone."
She could not elaborate more on that particular statement, though whether or not she would be able to under the sadness that swept over her would remain to be seen. She simply did not know- there was never any explanation for aniki's disappearance. No warning, no goodbye, and jii-sama kept his jaw wired shut about it, if he knew anything. As the years went by, and he never returned... she could only assume he had been killed. From what she knew of her brother, his gentle and kind nature so much like their mother's, he would never have abandoned them intentionally.
After a moment, she shook her head to clear the fog of the memories, smiling up at Shyam apologetically through the veil of silver forelocks that had fallen across her mask. "Gomen ne, I've gotten off-track, haven't I? You were simply asking what kept me away for so long." The smile turned rueful, though the cloud of grief, however slight, seemed to remain. "Anyway... after he left, things... became worse. I had underestimated how much protection he had given us from the rest of the Clan, and once he was gone, their cruelty became unbearable. Those... scars that you caught a glimpse of, beneath my mask... they are the result of me attempting to defend myself and my mother without the strength to accomplish it. Hahaue gave me this armor, even though I have never been trained as a Protector. That... was the day I left her and the Clan behind."
That day was engrained into her memory more vividly than all of the trials she had faced before, faced simply with leaving the last of her loved ones behind. Amaya was no fool- she knew her mother was only subject to cruelty because Amaya herself was there. Hahaue may not have been looked upon fondly, but no one would dare harm one of the Clan's most promising healers, and the daughter of their leader to boot.
Clearing her throat as she realized she was reaching the end of her rather lengthy story, she warmed a bit with embarassment as she realized exactly how long she had been prattling on, and hurried to finish. "Anyway, that day that I left you... I had a dream." Here, she paused and winced. 'Dream' sounded so inconsequential, made it seem that she had gone and run off for some silly suspicion that had no merit. "It seemed more like a vision to me," she amended, continuing on. "It was... of my mother. Her death. She was calling out for me." The distress that had driven her to abandon the home that she had only just acquired was creeping back into her voice, form tensing with anxiety and despair at the memory of the dream. "I... had to go find her."
A pause. A breath. "I didn't even realize I was leaving you behind with no explanation until I was well on the path there. I thought I might lose the resolve to face my grandfather again if I turned back then... so I continued on." The guilt was clear in her expression, in her voice, and her embrace around him tightened, as if afraid he would pull away with the admission of that truth. "But... he wasn't there- none of them were. So I searched. Months went by... and I found nothing. I did finally find the Clan... but my mother wasn't among them. So... I turned back and tried to rush home. I... didn't think you would still be here. I had hoped, but I didn't expect."
Taking a deep breath to clear the tension in the air, her head dropped limply onto his bulk, exhausted by the trial of sharing some of the secrets that she had carried with her since very early childhood. Truthfully, she did feel lighter, having shared it with him, and the old scars and grief that had seemed to become a constant were much easier to bear with him as an anchor.
Tiredly, silver eyes cracked open as she smiled. "Arigatou. For being here."
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Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 11:06 am
Shyam listened to Amaya's story, staying quiet throughout the entire explanation. There was no need to speak, no need to interrupt or say much of anything as the ebony unikalona wove her tale. Unfortunately for Amaya, she was resting against Shyam, the fallen, which meant he found her history fascinating but difficult to understand or relate to. The stallion thought of his own family, in particular of his sister Kaiya. He knew her face, knew her scent, and knew her love for him. . . . but it was not a love he shared any longer, nor a love he returned. They had been close once, before his eyes had turned to something much more wonderful. . . .
But that was neither here nor there. The fact that Amaya had a family, a lineage, was an amazing concept to the stallion. He didn't approve of her grandfather's treatment or bias against both his daughter and granddaughter, Amaya, and at that very moment made a decision that should he ever meet said grandfather. Well, the outcome wouldn't be pretty. It didn't matter that Shyam's desire stemmed from a bias and love for Amaya, all that he cared about was that someone who caused her hurt and pain, even in the past, were disposed of. That was the simplest way to deal with such situations, was it not?
Thankfully for Amaya, it was highly unlikely Shyam would ever meet the head-Protector of her old Clan's herd.
As she spoke of the loss of her brother, as the sadness and hurt and guilt and grief washed over, the stallion wrapped both sets of wings tighter around her in an attempt to keep her close. Reassurance was something the stallion was familiar with, but it wasn't something he ever seemed to genuinely use except around Amaya. The ebony furred mare had a way of pulling out the softer, and more importantly, the more sincere side of the beast. He was a pro manipulator and often wove a web of lies to his victims, depending on his mood. But he had yet to lie to the mare. She truly was his angel, and there was almost nothing he wouldn't do for her.
So she had left wishing to seek out her family. The fruits of her labor had gone unrewarded, and while he couldn't actually comprehend the desire to seek out family without an intent to crush them, he could understand a wish to be with a loved one. Just as he loved her and had yearned for her returned when she drifted away, so she must feel for her mother and brother.
The grandfather still needed to die.
"I am sorry to hear that your Clan has caused you trouble and grief in the past." He finally spoke, his words soft but touched with a hint of . . . darkness all their own. "There is no need to apologize for following your heart and a vision, the fact that you worry shows you still care and still love. As you found no word of your mother, do you wish to seek her out? I would harbor no objection if you wanted to return and investigate further." He spoke truth and had no other motives in his suggestion. If seeking out her mother, if finding information about her lot would ease Amaya's worries than Shyam wouldn't hold her back. If she wished to stay and put everything behind her, than so be it, such was her choice.
Either way, the love that she appeared to feel for these others was enough to cause Shyam notice. It was good of her to love, and if they were important to her, than that was all he needed to know. "All you need to do is say the word and we can leave. Unless it is truly a journey you can only achieve alone." Shyam would prefer to keep her close by, but he had never been a mistrustful creature, at least not with her. If she wanted to leave again, than so be it, she would leave with his blessing and his love.
"Family is good. Even I have family, somewhere," he admitted, a small smile crossing his features. "Most of them are serving the world elsewhere, and I'm certain have long forgotten their wayward son." He had vague memories of a mother, a father, and of course his sister. But where they might be, he had no idea and no real interest for that matter. His family was meaningless at this point, and with Amaya here, that was all that mattered. She was his world, his angel, and no one could ever take her place.
"Here is where I will always be, regardless of what comes down the road." He craned his neck, shifting slightly so he could gently poke at her chest, at the heart charm. And that wasn't a promise . . .it was a guarantee. Nothing could change or alter the love he felt for the mare, even if she someday turned to loathe him in turn. Even when he thought she might never return, he couldn't shake his love or devotion only meant for her.
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Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:27 pm
The words were ones she had expected, on some level- perhaps she had anticipated some form of pity, which she would have immediately rebelled against- but coming from Shyam's mouth... only Shyam; she could hear nothing but sincerity, and in return, her gratitude made her bow her head against him. The absolution he offered her for her misdeeds against him made her weak with warmth and affection, and the understanding he offered was more than she could have possibly hoped for.
Again, she wondered how he could possibly not realize how wonderful a creature he was to her. Most, she was sure (though she didn't have first-hand experience to support her assumptions), would have greeted her with angry words, hurt feelings and demands of explanations, even if it could somehow have been worked out. Those that would have eventually accepted her reasoning would undoubtedly have felt at least some lingering resentment for her carelessness, and yet he offered nothing but kindness and compassion.
His darker side, while she could not deny was a part of him, could not possibly have held sway over the fallen guardian angel she loved so. There were times when she wondered if she comprehended the full extent of the darkness that lay within him… but whatever blackness there was was surely overshone by the good that she always saw. Biased or not, no one could deny that there was a light there.
At the offer of allowing her to return to her search, silver hues widened in astonished gratitude, her heart warring with itself over the possibility of finding her mother, and remaining here to build the future she so wanted with Shyam. At his offer to accompany her on the long journey, she was nearly undone. Of course it was tempting, and the selflessness of the suggestion made the warmth in her heart swell until it nearly ached with affection, but she could not deny that it was a danger to him, moreso even than to herself. It was only by a stroke of luck that she had not been attacked on sight- if the Clan discovered a Fallen on their territory, there would be bloodshed.
That was not something she could handle on her conscience. Not again.
Where that left her hahaue, she could not bear to consider. When again he startled her with a display of trust and tenderness in his offer to let her continue the journey alone, the conflict nearly tore her in half. Knowing that he would wait here, alone, with nothing to reassure him that she would be able to return, and still find the love and faith to await her, made up her mind on the matter. She had hurt him- and grudgingly, she admitted, herself- enough for one lifetime. She could no more willingly leave his side than tear her heart from her chest.
A tremulous, but bright smile grew upon Amaya's ebon' face, lowering her head and stepping forward to tuck beneath his chin, letting silver hues slide closed as she allowed herself to let go of the torment that tugged her in two different directions. She had lived a life of uncertainty- no more. Not here, not with Shyam.
"My old regrets... old wounds... my past... it has haunted my present and future for long enough. Starting here, with you, it will no longer haunt my every waking step. If the opportunity rises for redemption, for closure, I will not turn it away, but I cannot spend my life hunting the elusive ghosts that I am no longer sure even exist." Her own maw touched the fur over his heart, briefly, before rising again to rest against his neck. "My future is here, with you, and indecision will not keep me from your side again."
It was not an easy decision, and there were going to be tumultous times ahead- regret and indecision would rear their ugly heads again, she was sure- but of her future- their future- she was more certain of anything she had ever been.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:41 am
Kyaishi Super sorry for the short post! I think this could be a wrap? Lemme know!"
What an odd pair they made. Who would have thought that a chance meeting would have resulted in the discovery of his most beloved? The gods had tried to keep him away, had tried to spurn him by forgetting her face and name. But who could truly suppress what his heart knew to be true. It had always, and would always, be Amaya that he lived for. . . . She was his god, and he would worship, adore, and love her even after he was brought down and received by death. His love for her would last a life time.
As the mare cuddled beneath his neck, as she voiced her decision to stay with him and put her past behind her, Shyam said nothing. There was nothing more to say, really, for she had made her choice. Granted, it was entirely possible that this conversation might need to be had again. She might change her mind, might desire someday to go back and take care of her past. . . but . . . that would be her discretion. She could come to him at any point, set course for a new destination, and that would be that.
Silence enveloped the pair, their unspoken affections clear. For just a moment, the stallion allowed himself this great joy. For who knew when it would soon be undone?
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