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Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 4:59 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:41 pm
I'm sorry, but I have to admit, After "green eyes" my mind was in 'BishieBishieBishieBishieBishieBishieBishieBishieBishieBishie' mode sweatdrop long dark hair & green eyes *drooool* Wait...it doesn't actually say he had long hair...oh well, the imagination is a great embellisher ninja Yes, I must admit it...I have a thing for long haired guys gonk crying I"m so ashamed...well... no, not really
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Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 11:58 am
I liked it it was very good, perhaps though you might want to add a little more sceptisizm on the girl's part, I don't know about you, but some guy wandering into my backyard and staring at me while I'm in the pool? My first thought would be PERVERT!! maybe I'd ask him questions after I'd pelted him with a lawn chair.
Another tip for any writer is to make sure you add alot of sensory detail. "Show don't tell" as the saying goes. what does the house smell like? what does her backyard feel like on her bare feet? does the strange guy have a smell? does his clothing make noise? Descriptions are awsome just try to add more than the visual, it'll drag your reader into the story more! I'll have to write up more on my story now, so I can post it! xd
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Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 3:13 pm
Oh good! I wanted Viryn to be a likable character! And he has short hair when he meets her, but things about people will change much as the story goes on. (Yes, even to the point of suddenly having long hair. ^_^) Let's see, I remember that I started writing this story... Actually, I think it was even TWO years ago. I remember, because I had it printed and sitting next to the playstation when I went to visit my grandparent's house, and my cousins introduced me to their Rurouni Kenshin manga! And that was the first time we had actually RPed on paper.... Yay! Maybe my memory is not as bad as I thought! And thanks for the ideas! ^_^
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Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 7:57 pm
No Problem, I've taken a few College English and Creative Writing classes, and that is what they ALL SAY!! also I have noted this from personal experience... much more fun if it seems like you are THERE when you read it!! xd 3nodding cool
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Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 3:43 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 4:25 pm
Well, I'd say that the boy may seem a bit happy and has a bit much of a great life, but you did add a bit of somewhat resolved conflict, and it really shouldn't be a problem, as it's only the beginning and leaves room for character development. And I'm assuming you're going to add conflict, so it's really not bad for a beginning. ^_^ But then again, I'm somewhat of a "People-pleasing, if I were to grade people, everyone would get an A. Unless it's horrible and I don't like like the person. In that case they get a B. Minus." person. xd sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 9:51 pm
Okay, well I'm working on it, for a little spoiler his parents both get murdered. and his home burned to the ground... he himself only remembers a small portion of them getting attacked, and then when he awoke with everything on fire. He rescues his father's horses BTW but both his parents are dead.
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Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 5:25 pm
Hey, look what I found! THis tends to happen often actually, finding random story starts lying about my room or computer... Anyway, this is a story with many possiblilities, but no plot whatsoever yet. I haven't thought of anything. The idea came from my cousin and I making odd puns, and wondering what would happen if there was someone who's name was Nature. xd So here's a bit of a story, which has so many opportunities for puns if I so choose to use them. (And since I come from an EXTREMELY punny family.....)
Nature sat massaging his head from the headache that was beginning again. This sort of thing always happened whenever Shade ran into Sun. Sun had been gloating about the fact that he had just finished first in the mile race to anyone who was nearby. Unfortunately, one of those people happened to be Shade.
"Just shut up, Sun. No one cares that you finished first. I could have finished first if I wanted to, I just wasn't stupid enough to completely tire myself out and throw up, like you." Shade was currently telling him, poking his Jell-O with a fork.
Sun was standing up by the table, apparently trying to find the right angle so that the sunlight would reflect off his red-orange hair. He glared at Shade, trying to come up with a suitable response that would put him in the glorified view of everyone around him. "That's right, you didn't win, I did. I doubt that you could have beaten me if you did try."
Shade raised an eyebrow, "Really? So you admit that the only reason you won was because I didn't try?" he asked smugly.
"That's NOT what I said!" Sun said, fuming. "I challenge you to a race! Right now!"
"Right now? You sure you'll be able to handle it? You just ate, and we wouldn't want you throwing up all over yourself again, the stench would be unbearable." Shade stated calmly.
"Why you-" Sun started, but Nature had picked up his tray and was walking it to the garbage. As he passed them, he glared and said, "Will you two cut it out? Or do I have to separate you and put you both in time out?"
Sun glared back at him, "I'd like to see you try, mister-" "Just shut up." Nature said annoyed, and continued walking past. He could feel the calm, yet cold look that Shade was giving him on his back. He continued walking down the hall and soon exited the building, looking for his sister, Life. He found her hanging out with her cheerleader friends.
"Life," he said as he approached them, "I'm skipping last class, Sun and Shade gave me a headache again, so if you need a ride you can come with me or catch the bus." He told her.
The spunky blonde looked at him with a smile, "Oh, alright. We aren't doing anything in my last class, so I'll come with you now."
Nature nodded and started walking away, "Come on then."
Life turned back to her friends, "Well, I'd better go then, Nature calls!" She hurried after him.
"Bye, Li-chan!" one of her friends called, waving and giggling.
Life waved back, catching up to Nature as he said, "Aren't you tired of the nature jokes yet?"
She grinned at him as they reached his car, "No, not really. You don't mind too much, do you?"
"Not when it's you saying them. When other people do, then I get annoyed." He told her, getting into the driver's seat.
"That's good. By the way, what were Sun and Shade arguing about now?" She asked as she sat in the passenger seat.
Nature started the car, "Sun was getting all high and mighty about finishing the mile first, and Shade felt it his duty to bring his pride down."
"Oh, that. I saw it actually. As soon as Sun finished, he ran off and threw up." Life said as they drove off.
Nature stayed silent the rest of the drive and let Life do all the talking. It was mostly gossip about people at school and what happened that day. They arrived at their house, and Life ran inside to tell their mom all about their day. Nature walked inside after her and nearly tripped over his cousin, Oblivion, who was quietly reading a book in the middle of the floor.
"Oh, sorry. What are you doing here? Is your school out already?" He asked her.
She looked up at him with her light blue eyes, "Hai. My dad has a business trip, so I'm staying with you for the next couple of days." she replied, and looked back down at her book.
He moved around her. "Oh, right. Uh, what are you doing in the middle of the floor?" He asked as he set his stuff down and took off his shoes.
"Reading." She replied simply, not looking up.
"Er..." he said and rolled his eyes, walking upstairs to his room. He changed his clothes and then went to the bathroom to get some pain reliever for his headache, only to find the door closed. "Life.... It's after school, no one cares what your hair looks like." He told the door.
"But it's been hours since I last brushed it, it's a mess!" She called from behind the door.
"I just need to get something for my headache." He said.
There was a sigh and the door opened to reveal Life with a hair curler in one hand and a brush in the other. "Hurry up then." she told him, moving so that he could get to the medicine cabinet. He opened it, grabbing a bottle, from which he took a couple pills. He then exited the bathroom. "Go ahead and do your hair or whatever." he said as he left, and she closed the door behind him.
Nature went back downstairs to the kitchen, where his mother was already making dinner. "Hey Mom." He said and hugged her.
"Hello, Nature. How was your day?" She asked him, smiling. Her hair was tied back with a bandana, and it was obvious that Life had taken her looks from her mother. She brushed a stray hair from her face as she washed a head of lettuce in the sink.
"Fine, if Sun and Shade hadn't been there. We aren't having garden burgers again are we?" He asked, looking at the greenery in the sink.
She shook her head, making another lock of blonde hair stray into her face, "You really ought to be nicer to your cousins. No, we aren't having garden burgers again. Tetsuya's been complaining about that too, so it's salad tonight." She said, indicating his father.
Nature shook his head and walked over to the back door, where his cat was scratching to be let in, thinking again that his parents were weird to be such avid vegetarians. Akito, the cat, meowed insistently at him. Nature opened the door, "Come on in, baka neko." Akito sauntered in as if he owned the place and rubbed once against Nature's leg, before sitting by his food bowl. He gave one commanding meow, looking directly at Nature.
Nature's mom laughed, "Sometimes I swear animals talk to you, Nature." Nature rolled his eyes and went over to the pantry and brought out the food bag. He started pouring it in the bowl. Akito slapped his leg with his tail as if to say, 'hurry.' "I'm pouring as fast as I can, baka neko." Nature replied, "I could just let you starve, if I wanted." He put the food bag away.
Akito fixed him with a stare that said, 'but you wouldn't. you can't resist me.' before eating the food, flicking his tail at Nature disdainfully. When he finished eating, he started grooming his glossy black coat, as if to rid himself of any germs he may have gotten on it by touching Nature's pant leg.
Nature rolled his eyes and walked away, mumbling, "I don't know why I put up with you...."
He almost tripped over Oblivion again, as she was still sitting in the same spot, reading. He shook his head. You never noticed Oblivion until she needed you to. He sat on a chair and pulled out his homework. He glanced at Oblivion again and suddenly realized something. If she was staying here, then-
There was a knock at the door. Life had just reached the bottom of the stairs, and she ran to the door, yelling, "I'll get it!" She opened the door, to see Shade standing there. "Hello, Shade. You're staying here with your sister, right?"
Shade nodded, seeing Oblivion in the middle of the floor, reading. "Great!" Life said, "Come on in, bring your stuff. You'll be staying in Nature's room."
"What? Why does no one tell me these things?" Nature said, butting into their conversation and standing up.
"Well, where do you expect him to stay? My room, Mom and Dad's? Oblivion's staying in mine, you get Shade." Life told him, hands on her hips. "C'mon, it's not bad at all, they're only staying for a couple of days. Now help Shade bring his bags up to your room."
"I'm sorry to be such a nuisance." Shade said, a bit embarrassed.
"No, no. It's alright." Nature said, grabbing one of Shade's bags and heading up the stairs, "My room's this way."
Shade grabbed his other bag and followed him. When they reached his room, Nature said, "Just put your stuff down anywhere, but be careful of the cages." He indicated the cages scattered around. There were three. One contained a hamster, another two mice, and the last a snake. The mice chittered as if to say, 'hey, this is our territory, how dare you invite someone else here?' The snake raised his head annoyed at the mice with a look that said, 'shut up.' The hamster just peaked an eye open and closed it again, resting in a corner with an air of, 'as long as you let me sleep, you can do whatever you want.'
Shade put his bag down and went over to the mice. "Do they bite?" He asked Nature.
"Yes. They're rather full of themselves. They think they're the center of the universe." Nature replied, sitting on his bed.
"Like Sun?" Shade asked, his face darkening.
"Actually, yes." Nature replied with a smile. "You two really don't get along, do you?"
"Is it that obvious?" Shade asked sarcastically, "I suppose these mice and I won't get along, then."
The mice chittered at him more, with an attitude of, 'we dare you to come closer. we'll bite your head off, baka.' The snake continued to look at them as if saying, 'as if you could. the best you could do is nibble off a fingernail. be quiet.' One of the mice started chittering at the snake, 'you wanna fight, legless? we'd kick your tail.' The snake glared at it, 'i'd like to see you try.'
"Knock it off, you three." Nature told them. He looked at Shade, "Neko, the snake, is actually a lot like you. He enjoys cooling Kono and Sono's steam-the mice."
Shade smiled and went over to the hamster's cage. "Who's this?"
"That's Hito. He's a lazy thing. I don't think he's ever used his wheel." Nature said, looking at the hamster that was asleep, apparently.
Shade laughed. "I can see that, he's rather fat, isn't he?" Hito buried himself farther into the sawdust as if saying, 'so what? i live a relaxing life, you got a problem with it?' Shade looked up at Nature with his deep gray eyes. "I'm sorry for imposing on you like this. My father tends to be overprotective at times, like he's afraid of losing us.... Anyway, Oblivion and I would have been fine alone at our house, but between my father freaking out about leaving us alone, and your mother insisting that we stay here, there really wasn't any choice."
"Nah, it's alright. It was just kind of unexpected, that's all. Mom probably has dinner ready and my Dad will be home any moment, if you want to go downstairs." Nature said, not really sure of what to do. Even though he and Shade were cousins, they were never very close.
"Alright." Shade said and went out the door. Nature followed him downstairs, almost tripping over Oblivion again. Shade had gracefully avoided her.
"Does she always do that?" Nature asked as they sat on chairs in the front room.
Shade looked at Oblivion as if just noticing her, "Oh yes, all the time. That's her...fourth book this week, I think."
Nature shook his head in disbelief. Akito suddenly appeared from the kitchen and sauntered over into the room, giving Nature a look that said, 'you must introduce me to your visitors.' He then went over to Shade and jumped on his lap.
"And who's this?" Shade asked Nature, petting Akito, who had forced his head under Shade's hand.
"That's Akito. He's very good at getting what he wants, whether you like it or not." Nature said, as Akito stretched languidly across Shade's lap, looking at Nature smugly. 'if you don't do everything i want with devotion, i'll just find someone else who will.' "Go ahead, baka neko, I don't care." Nature muttered.
"What?" Shade asked, stroking Akito's shiny, black fur, making him purr contentedly. 'yes, yes, you just might do, my pet.'
"Nothing, I was talking to Akito. He's being smug again." explained Nature. "Baka neko." he added for Akito's benefit. Akito just narrowed his eyes at him, and rubbed his head against Shade's hand. 'i have found someone to replace you. scratch there, will you, my sweet pet.'
"But he's being really sweet, aren't you Akito?" Shade said, absently scratching him. Nature just smirked at Shade and raised an eyebrow at Akito.
The door opened just then, and Nature's father, Tetsuya Konoha, walked in. "Dad!" Life yelled and ran to him.
He smiled at her and wrapped her in an embrace. "Hello, Life. How was your day?" She proceeded to tell him all about it.
Their mother walked in from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. "Hello, hun. How are you today?"
Tetsuya disentangled himself from Life's story, and hugged his wife. "It wasn't anything special, Saki. I see we have a couple visitors. Hello Shade, hello Oblivion."
Shade nodded and said, "Hello."
Oblivion didn't even look up from her book as she replied, "Hello, Uncle Tetsuya."
Saki, their mother, decided to break up their reunion with, "Well, should we have dinner? It's getting cold."
"Garden burgers again?" Tetsuya asked.
"No, salad." She replied walking back into the kitchen.
"Isn't it already cold, then?" He asked and followed her.
Nature looked at Shade and told him, "You'd better get used to living without pork and such. My parents are vegetarians."
Shade looked back at him, still stroking Akito, "How do you live?"
Nature grinned, "I eat lunch at school." He then looked to the kitchen as his mother called. "We'd better go to dinner. Akito, you can't manipulate him if he's starving." He added to the cat.
Akito did the equivalent of sighing and nipped Shade's hand, before rubbing against him and jumping off his lap with the grace that only cats had, while giving the attitude of, 'if you must, my pet. i'll be waiting for you.' He then flicked his tail and sauntered off to wherever he went.
Nature stood and went into the kitchen, Shade following. Life and Oblivion were already sitting there. Oblivion was still reading her book. "I understand how she goes through books so quickly." He muttered to Shade. Shade smirked and nodded as they both sat down.
"Help yourselves." their mother said, indicating the large bowl of salad in the middle of the table.
After they had all started eating (Oblivion actually put her book down to do this) Shade said, "Thank you Aunt Saki and Uncle Tetsuya for letting us stay with you." Oblivion nodded her agreement.
"Oh, it was no problem at all." Saki replied. "Besides, who could refuse the look of worry on your father's face?"
Shade smiled wryly, "Shinya can get a bit too worrisome at times. We'd have been fine by ourselves."
Saki smiled, "Yes, but he's my older brother, and there's no refusing him."
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Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:15 am
Lotsa different names... and the animals are quite vocal in their expressions aren't they?
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Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 5:32 pm
Yep. I was trying to make something that was along the lines of fantasy, yet wasn't too unbelieveable. So the animals don't really talk, they just express in a way that Nature can understand it. I haven't figured out how to introduce Death yet. He's always workign out and stuff, so therefore his BO gets bad. Hence the saying people tend to use around him, "The stench of Death."
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 6:05 pm
Snick Snick Snick Snick... have you ever read the Terry Pratchett books? Somehow I think you would LOVE that series!!
Start with "Interesting Times" that is still my favorite! though "The Color of Magic" is pretty good too... DEATH shows up alot in that one.
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 7:20 pm
Really? I haven't read any. xd
However, I have read the punniest books in the world.... the Xanth series. A lot of it, at least. I still groan aloud when reading them, LOL.
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 10:51 pm
*groan* I've read so many of those I've lost track.. you do know he's STILL WRITING THEM!!! the problem with that series though, is that Peirs Anthony is afraid to kill off his own characters, NONE OF THEM EVER DIE!!! I lost faith in him because of that. A really good author knows when character deaths enhance the story, take Tracy Hickman for example, in one of his book series he kills of one of the main characters in BOOK 1, in another sequel he knocks off ALL the main characters from the previous two trilogies... it was very dramatic... so many cool characters died, but I couldn't put the book down even though I was crying through it.
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 11:33 pm
He's writing more? I've gotten to... I don't even remember which one it was. It was around Heaven Cent, I think.
I know, I get so sad when book characters die, but it's so fun to kill your own characters. Actually, the book that made me cry didn't even have the characters die. They just split up, never to see each other again. Yeah it's a bit sad to kill 'em off...but it's still fun! Then you have angsty other characters, though.
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