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Let's Talk About Sex: A Guide For Parents of Teens

This sticky is taken from a booklet I picked up at a booth set up in a mall in my hometown. So it's from... 2006. If you have any questions with typos or the info posted, just give me a PM. The booklet is from a group called "Focus on the Family" located in Colorado Springs, CO, and Vancouver, BC, Canada.

Obviously this sticky is aimed at people who have teenagers old enough to be reproducing, but of course anyone and everyone is free to read it. 3nodding

Some of the sections are quite long, so contrary to what I usually do, each chapter in the booklet has its own post, regardless of how short some of them are.

Just a note, this group tends to put some subtle but heavy emphasis on no premarital sex and the "institution of marriage", as well as on abstaining from sexual activity until marriage. In the post about one's adolescent daughter being pregnant, there are also some comments about abortion that some people may disagree with. There are also some different and possibly conflicting views about homosexuality and sexual orientation near the bottom of the sticky.

So please keep that in mind when reading this, and know that it's ok if your views on premarital sex, homosexuality, and marriage differ than those in this booklet.

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Table of Contents:

- Post 1: Introduction
- Post 2: Yes, You Can!
- Post 3: Yes, But We Never Talked About Sex in My Family
- Post 4: How Do I Start?
- Post 5: To Direct or Not to Direct?
- Post 6: Culture Wars and Media Messages
- Post 7: Upholding Marriage in Our Society
- Post 8: Physical Development and Your Teen
- Post 9: Most Popular Questions Asked
- Post 10: What Character Traits Should I Be Imparting to My Teen During This Developmental Period?
- Post 11: Risk Behavior
- Post 12: What If Your Teen is Already Sexually Active?
- Post 13: What If Your Adolescent Daughter Becomes Pregnant?
- Post 14: What If Your Adolescent Son Is Involved in a Pregnancy?
- Post 15: What If Your Adolescent Isn't Sure of His/Her Sexual Orientation?
- Post 16: Other Questions To Discuss With Your Teenager on the Subject of Sexuality
- Post 17: To Date or Not to Date?
- Post 18: Conclusion
- Post 19: Reserved.

Yes, But We Never Talked About Sex In My Family

Talking about sex can make even the most confident parent nervous. What if I don't have all the answers? What if my teen doesn't open up? What if he does open up and I hear more than I am prepared to deal with? When you were a teen, talking about sex with your parents may have been taboo. Many adults came from homes where they were provided with little or no information about body changes, dating guidelines, or how to resist peer pressure. In fact, the majority of today's parents have come from a "just say yes" generation, and now struggle with how to tell their kids to "just say no." They comment that they feel hypocritical and, therefore, stay away from the topic or give a mixed message. The decision to tell your teen about your past mistakes is a personal one, but in today's world, teens need your honest answers and straightforward information about sexual health.

Parental involvement, communication, and, most of all, love will have a tremendously positive impact on your teen's decisions regarding relationships and sex. Each of your children has a different personality "bent." Thus, the way you approach communicating your values about sex will be different with each child. Your shy child may need you to ask more questions to keep the conversation flowing. Your outgoing and charismatic child may need to have the issues of self-control more firmly planted in his development. The "one-size-fits-all" approach to sex education doesn't work because it completely disregards the individual personality profile of the adolescent that is critical to healthy sexual development. If your teen doesn't hear about sex from you, he will hear it from someone else who may not have his best interests at heart. You are the critical element to sexual education.

To Direct or Not to Direct?

Sex education in the public schools for the last 20 years has been a national disaster. The is largely due to the fact that it has been based on a nondirective model founded on values clarification. Created by psychologists Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow, nondirective education basically says "Here are a number of options yuou can choose in regard to your sexual health - you decide." This model places adolescents in an adult decision-making role that is developmentally out of their reach. When a teen is put in this position, stress and confusion can occur. The nondirective model never points a teen to what is right or wrong, good or bad, responsible or irresponsible. All choices are put on an even playing field, much like putting your teen in a field of land mines!

The directive approach to sex education sets clear standards and expectations for adolescents in regard to their sexual health. Teens are directed to the best choice rather than given a smorgasbord of options. They are taught right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy. Consequences are discussed for every behavior choice so that teens can see the impact of their sexual decisions. While called "fear-based" by those who opposide directive education, it is reality-based to let our kids know the consequences of their decisions.

Upholding Marriage in Our Society

Our society is desperate for healthy relationships. As a nation, we see the institution of marriage and family coming under fire from all fronts. We must commit every effort to heloing future generations achieve healthy relationships - even if we didn't ourselves. That means being commited to the value of the institution of marriage and helping the next generation build character traits that will prepare them for lifelong marriage. Today's generation almost needs a course called "Why Marriage?" because the culture has torn down the institution to mean almost nothing. It is hard to fire an employee in today's world than to get a divorce! This doesn't mean, however, that by upholding the value of marriage, society is trying to place guilt or blame on those who have experienced divorce or are single.

As a society, we must affirm our commitment to marriage, for it is what holds our society together. We need to keep a hope for marriage and family alive in our next generation and teach the skills it will take to form positive relationships first and marriage later. Whether you are married, divorced, single or in a blended family, it is important that you continually point out to your teen why sex is best within marriage; why marriage takes work, patience, and lots of forgiveness; and why communication skills are important to keep all relationships healthy and alive.

Most Popular Questions Asked By Parents About Sex Education, Values, and Raising Teenagers

Focus on the Family receives hundreds of letters each month from parents asking questions about sex education, changes adolescents experience, and communication issues.

The following 6 questions are excerpted from the book Solid Answers by Dr. James Dobson (Statistical and factual updated information since publication is reflected):

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1) It seems clear that comprehensive sex-education programs have failed miserably in addressing the problems of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, all of which have dramatically increased over the past 20 years. So what is the urge to curbing teenage sexual activity?

The 18th year is the time of greatest conflict between parent and child, typically. But the 13th or 14th years are commonly the most difficult 24 months in life for the youngster. It is during this time that self-doubt and feelings of inferiority reach an all-time high, amidst the greatest social pressures yet experienced. An adolescent's sense of worth as a human being hangs precariously on peer group acceptance, which can be tough to garner. Thus, relatively minor evidences of rejection or ridicule are of major significance to whose who already see themselves as fools and failures.

One significant study, authored by Stephen Small from the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Tom Luster of Michigan State and published in The Journal of Marriage and the Family, demonstrated rather conclusively that parental involvement and the transmitting of the parents' values were significantly in preventing early sexual activity. Small and Luster put parents back in the driver's seat (or in the hot seat) when they said "Permissive parental values regarding adolescent sexual behavior emerged as a strong risk factor for both males and females. Not surprisingly, adolescents who perceived their parents as accepting of premarital adolescent sexual activity were more likely to be sexually experienced." The acorn never falls far from the tree.

Another important study, conducted by Drs. Sharon White and Richard DeBlassie (published in Adolescence), found that parents who set the most moderate and reasonable rules for their teens in the areas of dating and interaction with the opposite actually got the best results - in contrast to those who were overly strict (who experienced lesser degrees of success) and those who provided no guidelines whatsoever (whose position was least efficacious of all).

From these studies and others, we can conclude that the people who are most effective in steering their children away from the precipice of premarital sex are those who understand that parenting adolescents is a delicate art. They are the parents who are present and involved, who communicate and exemplify their own values and attitudes, who ask questions, who carefully supervise their kids' choice of escorts and points of destinations, and who insist on a reasonable curfew. But they also keepa light touch as far as it's possible to do so, because they know that the rod of iron comes with problems of its own. The bottom line? There is no sex-education program, no curriculum, no school or institution in the world that can match the power and influence of this kind of parental involvement.

It's worth adding that kids from intact, two-parent homes are less likely to engage in sexual experimentation than their counterparts from single-parent families or less stable backgrounds. And teens who have strong religious convictions and participate actively in church are, as a group, far more likely to practice abstinence than their peers. It's difficult to avoid the conclusion that faith and fidelity in the older generation are the best insurance against promiscuity in the younger.

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2) I disagree emphatically with what the local junior high school is teaching my daughter in sex-education class. Do I have a right to object, and how should I go about doing it?

You certainly do. I strongly support the historic American idea that parents are ultimately responsible for raising and educating their children. The school is an important ally in that effort, but the final authority lies in the home. Thus, when educational materials and content are contrary to a family's basic beliefs, parents have the right to ask school personell to help them protect their children. Most educators are willing to accomodate the needs of individual families this way. If they refuse, you as parents have two choices - stay and fight for what you believe, or find a new school. If you decide to oppose what is being taught, you will need the support of as many parents as possible. Eventually, you may have to take your case to the local school board. If so, be encouraged. You can win there.

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3) Why are young people so oblivious to the danger? Why do they put themselves at such risk?

For one thing, their idols in movies, television and rock music tell them absolutely everyone is having sex. Unfortunately, these voices from the culture never reveal what it's like to have herpes or HPV or the other incurable viruses that are at epidemic proportions today. Also, the safe-sex gurus have convinced kids that these terrible diseases can be prevented with the simple use of condoms. So why not?

Thank goodness for a few physicians who are sounding the alarm and trying to get the uncensored facts to our kids. They don't get much press, but someday they will be vindicated. One of the most vocal of these concerned doctors is Dr. Joe McIlhaney, an obstetrician-gynecologist who heads an organization called The Medical Institute for Secual Health (The Medical Institute). A frequent "Focus on the Family" broadcast guest, he talked about the fallacy of "safe sex" on a recent program because he and his organization provide such vital and accurate information:





Rather than expecting science to solve our problems, Dr. McIlhaney said a better solution involves a return to spiritual and moral guidelines that have been with us for thousands of years. Dr. McIlhaney concluded, "The people who made my automobile know how it works best and what I need to do to avoid car problems. They tell me that in my Ford manual. Likewise, God knows how we work best and gave us an 'owner's manual' for the human race: the Bible. In it, He tells us not to have sex until we are married; not to have sex with anybody other than the one man or one woman to whom we are married; and to stay married for the rest of our lives. That's the one and only prescription for safe sex."

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4) What is the most difficult period of adolescence, and what is behind the distress?
The 18th year is the time of greatest conflict between parent and child, typically. But the 13th or 14th years are the most difficult 24 months in life for the youngster. It is during this time that self-doubt and feelings of inferiority reach an all-time high, amidst the greatest social pressures yet experienced. An adolescent's sense of worth as a human being hangs precariously on peer group acceptance, which can be tough to garner. This, relatively minor evidences of rejection or ridicule are of major significance to those who already see themselves as fools and failures. It is difficult to over-estimate the impact of having no one to sit with on the school-sponsored bus trip or of not being invited to an important event or being laughed at by the "in" troup, or waking up in the morning to find seven shiny new pimples on your forehead, or being slapped by the girl you thought had liked you as much as you liked her. Some boys and girls consistently face this kind of catastrophe throughout their teenage years.

Dr. Urie Bronfenbrenner, eminent authority on child development at Cornell University, told a Senate committee that the junior high years are probably the most critical to the development of a child's mental health. It is during this time of self-doubt that the personality is often assaulted and damaged beyond repair. Consequently, said Bronfenbrenner, it is not unusual for healthy, happy children to enter junior high school, but then emerge two years later as broken, discouraged teenagers.

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5. I hear so much about communicating with our children and making sure we stay on the same wavelength. How can I do that during the teen years?

You can expect communication to be very difficult for several years. I said adolescence was sometimes like a tornado. Let me give you a better analogy. This time of life reminds me in some ways of the very early space probes that blasted off from Cape Canaveral in Florida. I remember my excitement when Colonel John Glenn and the other astronauts embarked on their perilous journeys into space. It was a thrilling time to be an American.

People who lived through those years will recall that a period of maximum danger occured as each spacecraft was re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The fliers inside were entirely dependent on the heat shield on the bottom of the capsule to protect them from temperatures in excess of 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit. If the craft descended at the wrong angle, the astronauts would be burned to cinders. At the precise moment of anxiety, negative ions would accumulate around the capsule and prevent all communication with the earth for approximately 7 minutes. The world waited breathlessly for news of the astronauts' safety. Presently, the reassuring voice of a man named Chris Craft broke in to say, "This is Mission Control. We have made contact wtith Friendship Seven. Everything is A-OK. Splashdown is imminent." Cheers and prayers went up in restaurants, banks, airports and millions of homes across the country. Even CBS news anchor Walter Cronkite seemed relieved.

The application to teenage years should be apparent. After the training and preparations of childhood are over, a pubescent youngster marches out to the launching pad. His parents watch apprehensively as he climbs aboard a capsule called adolescence and waits for his rockets to fire. His father and mother wish they could go with him, but there is room for just one person in the spacecraft. Besides, nobody invited them. Without warning, the mighty rocket engines begin to roar, and the "umbilical cord" falls away. "Liftoff! We have liftoff!" screams the boy's father.

Junior, who was a baby only yesterday, is on his way to the edge of the universe. A few weeks later, his parents go through the scariest experience of their lives: They suddenly lose all contact with the capsule. "Negative ions" have interfered with communication at a time when they most want to be assured of their son's safety. Why won't he talk to them?

This period of silence lasts much longer than a few minutes, as it did with Colonel Glenn and friends. It may continue for years. The same kid who liked to talk a mile a minute and ask a million questions has now reduced his vocabulary to nine monosyllabic phrases. They are: "I dunno," "Maybe," "I forget," "Huh?", "No!", "Nope," "Yeah," "Who-me?", and "He did it." Otherwise, only static comes through the receivers - groans, grunts, growls and gripes. What an apprehensive time it is for those who wait on the ground!

Years later, when Mission Control fears the spacecraft has been lost, a few scratchy signals are picked up unexpectedly from a distant transmitter. The parents are jubilant as they hover near the radio. Was that really his voice? It is deeper and more mature than they remembered. There it is again. This time the intent is unmistakable. Their spacey son has made a deliberate effor to correspond with them! He was 14 years old when he blasted into space and now he is nearly 20. Could it be that the negative environment has been swept away and communication is again possible?

Yes. For most families, that is precisely what happens. After years of quiet anxiety, parents learn to their great relief that everything is A-OK onboard the spacecraft. The "splashdown" occuring during the early 20's can be a wonderful time of life for both generations.

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6. My sister's daughter went off to college at 18 and immediately went a little crazy. She had always been a good kid, but when she was on her own, she drank like a lush, was sexually promiscuous, and flunked three of her classes. My daughter is only 12, but I don't want her to make the same mistakes when she is beyond our grasp. How can I get her ready to handle freedom and independence?

Well, you may already be 12 years too late in beginning to prepare your daughter for that moment of release. The key is to transfer freedom and responsibility to her little by little from early childhood so she won't need your supervision when she is beyond it. To move suddenly from tight control to utter liberty is an invitation to disaster.

I learned this principle from my mother, who made a calculated effort to teach me independence and responsibility. After laying a foundation during the younger years, she gave me a "final examination" when I was 17 years old. Mom and Dad went on a two-week trip and left me at home with the family car and permission to have my buddies stay at the house. Wow! Fourteen slumber parties in a row! I couldn't believe it. We could have torn the place apart - but we didn't. We behaved rather responsibly.

I always wondered why my mother took such a risk, and after I was grown, I asked her about it. She just smiled and said, "I knew in one year you would be leaving for college, where you would have complete freedom with no one watching over you. I wanted to expose you to that independence while you were still under my influence."

I suggest that you let your daughter test the waters of freedom occasionally as she's growing up, rather than tossing her into the big wide ocean all at once. It takes wisdom and tact to pull that off, but it can be done. If you do the job properly, the time of release in six or seven years will be a gentle transition, rather than a cataclysmic event.

Risk Behavior

The research on teen sexual behavior shows us that teens often have a number of predictors that will indicate if they are on the road to premarital sexual activity. One of the highest predictors is the use of alcohol, drugs or tobacco. In fact, many youth surverys show that the use of tobacco is the gateway to using other drugs or alcohol.

Teens who are strugging with the pain of substance abuse at home come to school burdened or stressed - often unable to concentrate on their work. If your family is dealing with substance abuse issues, it is absolutely necessary that the person who is addicted to the behavior and the entire family get help. Your attitude towards these issues definitely affects how your teen views these risk behaviors. Seek help immediately through a community program, medical center or church so that you and your family can stop this destructive lifestyle.

If you as a family are not struggling with these issues, making your teen aware of the role drugs, alcohol and inhalants and tobacco play in teen sexual activity is important. There are other risk factors that play into early teen sexual activity, such as not feeling connected to school, work, or the world at large. Adolescence is a time of trying to figure these issues out. The following questions may help open up discussion of the topic:

1) What do your friends and peers think about the using drugs, alcohol or inhalants? Do you feel any pressure to join them? How easy do people at school feel it is to get drugs?

2) Do most people your age think nothing will happen to them if they are taking drugs? Drinking? Smoking? Using inhalants? What do you think about that?

3) If you had a friend who was using drugs, inhalants, or drinking or smoking, what would you do? Is it any of your business?

4) Do you think about what types of things happen when you use drugs or alcohol? How many people do you know who would ride in a car with someone who drinks or uses drugs and drives?

5) Do you think people use drugs or drink because they:
(a) want to be cool?
(b) are trying to hide pain or are not confronting something?
(c) think it helps them cope better?
(d) just like how it feels?
(e) like the thrill?

What do you think about that?

6) How hard or easy would it be for you to walk away from people who use drugs, drink, smoke, or use inhalants? Do you know what addiction looks like?

7) How do you see the media portraying the use of drugs, alcohol, inhalants or smoking? Does that say anything to you? Do you believe they are portraying the truth? Why or why not?

8 ) Is there anything I need to understand about this issue that I am missing? Do you understand our values and expectations in this area?

What If Your Adolescent Daughter Becomes Pregnant?

Before considering how you might respond to the news that your unmarried teenage daughter is pregnant, take a brief tour of the emotions and thought processes that are likely to be swirling through her mind and heart.

Your Daughter's Experience

Fear is an overriding emotion in nearly every teen pregnancy. "I can't tell my parents. They'll kill me!", "How can I finish school when I'm pregnant?", "My boyfriend will take off if I don't have an abortion." The adolescent with a crisis pregnancy sees nothing but loss on the horizon - loss of love, time, education, and physical health. Fear of one or more of these losses propels most of her other responses. Remember that the average age difference between the father of the baby and the teenage mother is 6.4 years.

Denial is common, especially during the early weeks of pregnancy when the only indication might be one or more missed periods, a little fatigue, possibly some nausea or even a positive pregnancy test. The longing for things to be "the way they were" may delay acknowledging the problem and seeking appropriate help for weeks, even months.

Ambivalence about being pregnancy may cause fluctuating emotions. One day the only solution may appear to be an abortion, while the next the prospect of a cuddly baby may seem appealing. Time spent with a friend's crying newborn may jolt the emotions in yet another direction. Indecision and apparent lack of direction in such an overwhelming situation are common.

Guilt. When a pregnancy results from the violation of moral values held since childhood, an adolescent will usually feel ashamed and worthless. Her growing abdomen becomes a constant reminder of her failure. This is a time when you can come alongside your child and cement a lasting relationship with her.

Pressure to have an abortion. This may come from several directions. A teenager may be weighing what appears to be a dismal future of hardship and remorse against a quick and relatively inexpensive procedure. "No one needs to know, and I can get on with my life." A boyfriend (who may be dealing with his own fear and guilt, along with concerns about future financial responsibilities) may exert considerable pressure to have an abortion, even offering to pay the bill. He may also threaten to bail out of the relationship if the pregnancy continues. Some parents, worried about their daughter's future or perhaps even their own reputation in the community (or even the prospect of being responsible for the actual child-rearing), may also find abortion attractive.

The "cuddly doll" mentality. Some unmarried teenage girls see their pregnancy unrealistically as an escape from a difficult and unpleasant home situation. They may envision a baby as a snuggly companion who will require the same amount of care as a new puppy, not realizing the amount of energy a newborn will take from her without giving much in return (especially during the first few weeks). Teens with this mindset need to adjust their expectations of child-rearing - not to drive them to abort, but to help them make more appropriate plans. If adoption is not chosen as a solution, some careful groundwork should be laid to prevent serious disappointment and even the mother's abuse of the baby.


Your Experience as Parent(s)
If a pregnancy is an upheaval for a teenager, it is also no picnic for her parents. Discovering that your adolescent daughter is pregnant is a trial like few others, and reactions -fear for her future, denial, guilt- may parallel hers with equal intensity. Parents are likely to feel anger in a number of directions - anger towards their daughter for being careless, not taking their advice, not using good judgement, and disobeying them and God. They may be angry with the boy (or man) involved, who has violated their trust and their daughter's well-being. They may be angry with themselves for any number of reasons: They were too narrow or too permissive, too busy or too tired to tune into their daughter's world for the past several months - and now look what has happened.

Anger is such a classic parental response that the daughter may try to keep her pregnancy a secret. In fact, many states allow minors to obtain abortions without parental consent or knowledge, based on the presumption that the mother or father will be so disruptive and unreasonable that the teenage daughter can better deal with her pregnancy without them.

Your most difficult (and character-building) task is to show how much you really love your daughter, even though you don't approve of what she has done. The classical Chinese symbol for the word crisis has special meaning in this situation. It consists of two symbols: one representing danger, the other, oppurtunity. The danger is that your response to the pregnancy may open wounds in your family that could take years to heal, if they ever do. Your oppurtunity is rising to the occasion in such a way as to earn your daughter's lifelong respect and gratitude.

Your mission is to remain calm when panic is in th eair, and to be more concerned about her embarrassment than your own, which may be enormous. [Your mission] is to be comforting, when you feel like saying "I told you so!" It is to help organize everyone's conflicting impulses into a thoughtful plan in which the family can work like a team. It is to guide the baby's father into responsible participation if he is willing, when you would just soon enlist him in the Marines. Most of all, it is to channel your intense feelings into productive outlets - through planning, prayer, vigorous exercise, and blowing off steam at a tolerant friend rather than at your child.

Your daughter will need help, and lots of us, but not a total rescue. She must make a fast transition to adulthood, a state about which you know a great deal more than she does. You must resist the temptation to throw her out or keep her stuck in childish irresponsibility by making all of her decisions. She needs to face all the tough decisions and demands of pregnancy, but with you at her side as a confident ally.

You have one very critical decision of your own to make. What role to you intend to take in the child's upbringing? If the mother-to-be is very young, you may see another parenting job on the horizon and perhaps resent the idea. Or you may be excited about having the nest occupied for several more years. Your feelings on this issue need to be sorted out, and your course of action planned accordingly.

In the midst of your family's deliberations, be sure ample consideration is given to adoption. A pregnant teenager may be torn by the thought that "if I had the baby, I couldn't handle giving her away." But adoption can provide a livable solution for all parties involved. The baby is raised by a couple who intensely desire to be parents, and the birth mother can pick up and move on to complete her education and career goals, postponing her own parenting until she is ready.

You will also need to address the question of abortion. Many voices will be calling your daughter to the abortion clinic, claiming this simple procedure will bring the crisis to a swift and straightforward resolution. Some parents may be tempted to give this option serious consideration for similar reasons.

Abortion is not a procedure like an appendectomy that eradicates a piece of diseased tissue. It ends a human life that is designed to develop in a continuous process from conception through birth and beyond. Because this life is unseen for now, its identity and significane may pale in comparison to the problems and concerns of the moment. That developing person, whose life is in the hands of her mother and those influencing her, cannot speak for herself. Like it or not, even under the most trying circumstances, that the new person is not better off dead.

Your daughter should consider making an appointment with a local crisis pregnancy center (CPC) in order to sort through the issues, gather information, and consider her options in a compassionate setting. Even if she has strong opinions about what her course of action should be, a CPC can be an extremely valuable resource. Services available at most CPCs include a realistic assessment of the long-range impact of each option, ongoing counselling support, assistance with medical and other referrals, and maternity clothes and baby supplies. Many CPCs also provide some onsite medical services such as prenatal screening exams. All of these services are normally provided at no charge. (For the name and locations of a CPC in your area, contact 1 - 800 - A - FAMILY.)

It is important that capable and compassionate medical care be maintained throughout the pregnancy. Many teens delay or avoid seeking medical care for a variety of reasons. But adolescents have higher rates of complications related to pregnancy and childbirth compared to older women. Most of these problems can be significantly reduced (or at least anticipated) with consistent prenatal visits and appropriate medical follow-up.

What If Your Adolescent Isn't Sure of His or Her Sexual Orientation?

Few parenting concerns during adolescence generate as much emotional turbulence as the possibility that one's child might have a homosexual orientation. For many parents, especially those deeply commited to traditional values, the thought of a child becoming involved in homosexual relationships raises unsettling moral questions. For some, reactions to homosexuality extend into the darker emotions of hatred and loathing.

In contrast, many influential voices in medial, government and health care state that sexual orientation is inborn and changeable; however, that has never been proven. In their view, if your child is destined to be attracted to members of the same sex, nothing can or should be done about it other than accepting it. Gay and lesbian activists proclaim that adolescents who feel same-sex inclinations should explore, embrace and celebrate their homosexual identity, and that their parents should celebrate it along with them.

The vast majority of parents, while neither hating homosexual individuals nor applauding homosexuality, deeply desire to see their adolescents eventually bear and rear children. They anticipate the joys of watching the next generation's courtships, marriages and family life. Therefore, contemplating a child's involvement in homosexual acts and in unconventional relationships for decades into the future is enough to provoke considerable concern. In addition, the sexually active homosexual lifestyle is very unhealthy. For example, approximately 1 in 10 teen homosexual males who is sexually active is infected with HIV - a fatal disease.


What should you do if your adolescent's sexual orientation is uncertain or if he/she has had one or more homosexual experiences?

Don't assume that characteristics that fall outside your gender expectations indicate homosexual tendencies.
A boy who has a slight build and prefers painting over pitching or fabrics over football may disappoint a father who envisoined bringing up a burly athletic hero. A daughter who isn't shapely or petite and who excels at basketball rather than ballet may not fulfill a mother's expectations of magazine-cover femininity. But both need unconditional affirmation of their worth from parents who accept and encourage their particular strengths as appropriate. What may drive a teenager towards same-gender sexuality is ongoing rejection from parents or peers. Cutting remarks about a child's or teenager's size, shape, or other attributes may reinforce the idea that "I'm different from everyone else." If genuine acceptance is eventually offered by someone with a homosexual orientation, the teenager may conclude that "I'm different, so that must mean I'm gay - and furthermore, I've always been this way."

Remember that adolescents may feel transient confusion about sexual identity, especially if they have had a sexual experience with someone of the same gender.
Whether as a phase or rebellion and experimentation, or as the result of sexual abuse in childhood, your child may have one or more same-sex encounters, which may raise questions in an adolescent about his or her ultimate sexual destination. It is therefore important for children and teens who have had such experiences to receive appropriate counselling that (among other things) will clarify the fact that these events have not destined them to a lifelong homosexual orientation.

If you discover that your child has had one or more homosexual encounters, whether coerced or voluntary, you need to remain his/her strongest ally.
A child or young adolescent who has suffered sexual abuse needs to know that what happened was not his fault, and that you are not in any way ashamed of him. He will need comfort, reassurance that his physical boundaries are now secure, and time to sort out his experiences, both with you (which will be very uncomfortable) and with a professional counsellor. If is crucial that the damage done by the abuser to a child's sexual identity and self-worth be contained.

If the activities involved one or more peers and were not the result of coercion, your response should parallel what was outlined in connection with premarital heterosexual activity. You will need to make a particular effort between taking a clear stand for moral principles and demonstrating that you and your adolescent are on the same team. Harsh expressions of revulsion and condemnation are counterproductive, will probably confirm an adolescent's feelings of alienation, and may very well provoke more of the same behavior. At the same time, a resigned and passive nonresponse ("Nothing can be done about this, so I might as well get used to it") squanders an oppurtunity to bring about change. As with other early and mid-adolescent sexual activity, conversation and counselling with someone who shares your values are in order.

If your late adolescent moves into adulthood and becomes overtly involved in a homosexual lifestyle, your balancing act will become even more delicate - but no different from the approach you must take to any other of your grown child's choices that you find ill-advised or contrary to your values. It is possible and necessary -but at times also very difficult- to express love and acceptance without condoning the behavior. You have the right and responsibility to insist that sexual activity be off-limits under your roof. But decisions about a number of other situations will be tough. For example, should your adult offspring's homosexual lover be included at the family Thanksgiving dinner?

You must commit to patience, prayer, and perseverance. You may shed rivers of tears, but you must not allow animosity or bitterness take root in your emotions. Most of all, you will need generous amounts of wisdom, because you may be the only voice expressing love while encouraging your child to begin the difficult process of disengaging from ongoing homosexual behavior.