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 Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 3:49 pm
so... first, nessesary background.
me and a friend named Sorin are going to be marrying the same woman. he is going to be officially marrying her, and I'm going to be handfasted. as such, my public face in most places and on all official records is pretty much going to be that I'm just a friend and roommate...
well, Shan is pregnant with Sorin's baby. of course I'm going to be one of the parents, I'm part of that family after all. but Shan has just now told me that she was going to surprise the hell out of me one day....
she described an event where I'll receive an email with an address and a number, and that it will be a hotel room. she gave me three guesses what's inside. at this point my chest was alreday feeling hot and cold at the same time.
I guessed 3 things, the second being a planned conception.... the first guess I made was the correct one, not the conception... and she did mention now that he parents have explained to her that she's not going to be able to have another baby anyway... she won't have anymore children after this one...
I almost feinted. and I'm not joking, I've feinted enough times in my life, I know what this feeling was. I'm trying not to show her that I'm upset... but I feel so sck I could barely get out of my chair for water.
having a baby is the most important thing I want in my life... but I love her... I don't know how I'm gonna tell her how hurt I am about this, she already feels awful about so much that happened between us... help? please advise me...
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Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:04 pm
so y cant she have another kid
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Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:44 pm
to be honest, I don't know all the details to that.... it's a miracle she's even pregnant right now....
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Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 3:49 am
did you guys decide that the other guy would get her prego first or is that just how it happened(sorry for all the questions trying to figure stuff out that might help me help you)
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Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 7:42 am
it realy just happened that way. she didn't know she was pregnant until she was already 6 weeks.
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Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:26 am
Well, I think you definitely need to talk to her about it. I mean...do you want to stick with this current situation or opt out completely? Or maybe adjusting things a bit might be best. It really depends...I mean I know you love her but there is a possibility that you could fall in love with another person...
But that child...although not technically yours...you will have a part in the babies life. I think I talked to you before about having your own blood related child, but I still wanted to make sure and ask: is helping to raise that child not enough for you?
With all that said, there is no good way to tell her...it sounds like she already knows how it is bothering you, but it's not like she planned for such a thing to happen. You probably both know you need to discuss the issue...so don't wait too long to do it.
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Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:37 am
I apologize in advance about what I am going to say, and I do not mean to be blunt in anyway, but since I cannot word it properly it will be blunt:
Ditch her and find someone who will be only yours.
Sorry to be blunt, but will you be able to watch that child grow up and not refer to you as 'daddy' but as 'my mummy's friend'? Will you be able to know that she will only have one child, and not yours and will you not subconciouslly (failspeller right thar) hate the child because you love his/hers mother but aren't the father? Is only helping the real parents raise the child going to be enough for the rest of your life? Will you not grow to hate the man who shares your beloved and has the blessing of being a father with her while you do not?
Think about that.
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Posted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 12:06 pm
I was just in the process of typing a whole long paragraph out, just to find that someone has almost said my exact words. I completely agree with emmmahy's suggestion.
To have two men love one woman, I can already tell you that more then likely it is not going to end well. Either the woman will end up loving one of you more and not care for one of you anymore, or you and the other man are going to become jealous of one another till one of you just up and leaves. Which depending on the time frame of when this happens or breaks off, will be hard on the kid once it comes to know and love all three of you. Think of the kid's sake in all this when it comes to be a few years old, and not of any selfish reasons that you may have.
My thoughts are just get out of that situation now while you can. Don't entangle yourself in it anymore then you already are. I'm almost postive that it won't go the way that all three you envision it will go, and that you (if you truly want a child of your own that is yours) are not going to be happy in that relationship. Find a woman that you can have yourself and call yours and not have to share her with another man.
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 2:37 pm
emmmahy I apologize in advance about what I am going to say, and I do not mean to be blunt in anyway, but since I cannot word it properly it will be blunt: Ditch her and find someone who will be only yours. Sorry to be blunt, but will you be able to watch that child grow up and not refer to you as 'daddy' but as 'my mummy's friend'? Will you be able to know that she will only have one child, and not yours and will you not subconciouslly (failspeller right thar) hate the child because you love his/hers mother but aren't the father? Is only helping the real parents raise the child going to be enough for the rest of your life? Will you not grow to hate the man who shares your beloved and has the blessing of being a father with her while you do not? Think about that. ...... you have absolutely NO understanding of how I feel, or how my mind and my heart work. and you are pushing your beliefs on me as though they are some kind of universal human instinct, or moral truth. I am not going to be called "Mommy's Friend", I am in fact also going to be called "Daddy". I am going to be one of the Parents. I am going to raise that child. I am not someone who is gonna be off to th side, as an extra. and I will NOT hate Sorin. I don't want someone who will be "only mine". I prefer having someone else to share her with. I can't possibly keep up with her on my own. you realy don't get it. and I hate that you would assume that I"m going to b upset or insecure because of the same things you would.
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 2:40 pm
Alykia Well, I think you definitely need to talk to her about it. I mean...do you want to stick with this current situation or opt out completely? Or maybe adjusting things a bit might be best. It really depends...I mean I know you love her but there is a possibility that you could fall in love with another person... But that child...although not technically yours...you will have a part in the babies life. I think I talked to you before about having your own blood related child, but I still wanted to make sure and ask: is helping to raise that child not enough for you? With all that said, there is no good way to tell her...it sounds like she already knows how it is bothering you, but it's not like she planned for such a thing to happen. You probably both know you need to discuss the issue...so don't wait too long to do it. oh, it;s definitly all worthe it... I can't help feeling upset though... I realy do love her, and I have always wanted to procreate... and with things as they are, I feel like being able to have a child with her would realy help bridge those gaps... solidify my feelings... be that proof, that substantial evidence... but even if I don't, I can trust in the fact that we love eachother, and that will be enough... she is worthe it. she's worth everything. but the problem is... I tried to talk to her about it, even after getting all the advice I needed concerning how to approach the issue... and I couldn't do it. I chickened out. crying I'm terrified of bringing it up, and yet also terrified of leaving her to worry about me... it's a catch 22, and I'm PARALYZED with fear over the topic... I just can't bring myself to discuss it....
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 2:45 pm
GracefulVampireGirl I was just in the process of typing a whole long paragraph out, just to find that someone has almost said my exact words. I completely agree with emmmahy's suggestion. To have two men love one woman, I can already tell you that more then likely it is not going to end well. Either the woman will end up loving one of you more and not care for one of you anymore, or you and the other man are going to become jealous of one another till one of you just up and leaves. Which depending on the time frame of when this happens or breaks off, will be hard on the kid once it comes to know and love all three of you. Think of the kid's sake in all this when it comes to be a few years old, and not of any selfish reasons that you may have. My thoughts are just get out of that situation now while you can. Don't entangle yourself in it anymore then you already are. I'm almost postive that it won't go the way that all three you envision it will go, and that you (if you truly want a child of your own that is yours) are not going to be happy in that relationship. Find a woman that you can have yourself and call yours and not have to share her with another man. ... have you EVER heard of Polyamory? no, none of us are going to fall apart like that over jealousies. look, me and Shan are Polies. we LIKE having multiple partners, and open relationships. in fact, the idea of being monogamous disgusts and frightens both of us. Shan does nota nd will not have differeing levels of Love for me and SOrin. and Sorin and I will not become jealous of eachother over Shan. I am honestly disguted by both of you, for suggesting that our NATURAL INCLINATIONS are fals and cannot work. monogamy is NOT the only form of love!
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:08 pm
Don't be upset with the advice people gave you.
You asked about what to do & they gave you the only form of advice they can understand & have experience with.
It can be difficult for them to understand your mindset & your feelings & beliefs about a subject that is foreign to them.
Even I wouldn't understand what it is like.. & might never want to since I was never good with sharing.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.
I also hope you get over being afraid to talk to her about this touchy subject. But if you love her as much as you say you do & believe you do.. then you should go ahead & try. It'll be difficult at first, but once it's out in the open I'm sure it'll get easier from there.
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 3:36 pm
I guess, I'd look more into the medical condition she has, there's alot that medicine can do now, even taking eggs from another woman and implanting them.
Well I know you're disgusted by monogamy but if you can't be with her without having a child that's yours, you might have to leave them and look for another palyamorous set..
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Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:05 pm
nobody is giving me advice on the topic I asked for advice on. I know how I feel. I know what I want. I know that I choose to stay with her, even if it means sacrificing my chances to sire a child with my chosen mate.
I am aware that there are options I can pursue. I will get there when I get there. I have thought about possibilities already, and more than briefly considered my options when it comes to fulfilling my goals. and in fact, that's part of why I am so uncertain of how to approach the issue in conversation with her.
I am not asking whether to stay with her or not. I am not asking for relationship advice. I am not asking for anyone's opinions on my relationship.
I am asking only one thing; how do I approach this topic? how do I start? what should I say? how do I go about discussing it with her?
I want to be as clear as possible now. I'm afraid to talk to her about how the situation upsets me, even though I promised her that I would stop trying to hide my feelings from her, and even though I know she'll always get it out of me somehow.
I already decided that she's worthe it. even if what she says is realy true, I still consider her worthe it. it doesn't for a minute mean that I'm not upset. of course I am! this is something I have wanted for longer than I've known her. but I love her. and she's worthe it. we've been through too much for me to give it all up now over something that she has no control over.
I'm starting to think that maybe I should just show her this topic, and also tell her about the talk I had with a friend of mine. at this point, I think that would get the message across to her.... I'm still nervous about it though. because I know she is going through alot of stress right now... and I don't want to upset her anymore. she's already terrified out of her mind.
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Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 1:15 pm
oh well that's simple, get really drunk and trash the place raving you want to spawn a child.
Of course this is a sensitive subject, so handle it delicately. Just ask if you can talk about it alone so you can show your feelings on the matter. try not to make it sound like her fault or some kind of guilt trip and make sure you get across that you're not leaving her over this. But basicaly ask in advance to talk about it, so its not to ruin her birthday or something and that she can get mentally ready for it.
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