|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 1:57 pm
Okay - so if you're bored and have nothing to do - would you lend me a hand? I need some feedback on a number of my poems to help me improve. They are in the areans here and I would greatly appreciate it if you clicked the links and voted fairly or left a comment with some constructive ideas for changes. - So basically all you need to know is I am reasonably new to all this, short stories being my area of streangth rather than poetry.....oh and my spelling here may be a tad off but it has been checked before putting up the poems in the arenas....
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 7:29 pm
Running the risk of getting mobed here for being annoying...but.... BUMP! Please take a look girls...I need a hand with this, XP
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 8:09 pm
commented. ♥ you've got some real talent!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:23 pm
Ok...so I am having issues comming up with a title for this one - as well as a final verse or veres...if you can be bothered, any sugestions and improvements would be greatly appreciated - Stormgem/HDL Sick with regret, you sputter out.
Unsaid words freeze on your lips
As she stalks away from your bedside.
Her lily skin and lightning eyes,
An aloof gaze that chills the spine,
As she turns and glares over glasses.
Rosebud lips speak cold words
You feel inside like you’ve been cursed.
Then her stance softens and she returns.
Kneeling now her face inches away,
You notice for the first time
The tears you have made her spill.
“I love you still, even if they don’t.”
Her words are gentle and your resolve crumbles
As you promise to recover from this depression.
Rosebud lips crack a smile
That reaches lightning eyes and lily skin
Her hand rests gently on your shoulder thin.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:06 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 9:31 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:01 pm
...
"I promised," she said
"in sickness, in health. With all of my love
and till death do us part.
Be not afraid for the troubles to come
For I've loved you most
And we'll pass through this one."
Haha, just to take it in a wayy different direction than you were. I just noticed this hadn't been filled in so I thought I'd add to your bumps!! What were you intending to end with before? If you want to do something along the lines of what I have above be sure to change some of the words because your writing is so much more poetic and descriptive than I ever write and it would probably feel out of place!! Hah, but good job with the three line stanzas I've never even tried that!! smile I like it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 11:06 pm
viper_353 ...
"I promised," she said
"in sickness, in health. With all of my love
and till death do us part.
Be not afraid for the troubles to come
For I've loved you most
And we'll pass through this one." Haha, just to take it in a wayy different direction than you were. I just noticed this hadn't been filled in so I thought I'd add to your bumps!! What were you intending to end with before? If you want to do something along the lines of what I have above be sure to change some of the words because your writing is so much more poetic and descriptive than I ever write and it would probably feel out of place!! Hah, but good job with the three line stanzas I've never even tried that!! smile I like it. You legend! I was just plain stuck...so I had no idea which direction it was headding in....I really need to get round to reading what I bump some times..haha. Thanks - I shall post when I'm finished with it. I shall consider your ideas, they are most brilliant.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 11:49 pm
Stormgem viper_353 ...
"I promised," she said
"in sickness, in health. With all of my love
and till death do us part.
Be not afraid for the troubles to come
For I've loved you most
And we'll pass through this one." Haha, just to take it in a wayy different direction than you were. I just noticed this hadn't been filled in so I thought I'd add to your bumps!! What were you intending to end with before? If you want to do something along the lines of what I have above be sure to change some of the words because your writing is so much more poetic and descriptive than I ever write and it would probably feel out of place!! Hah, but good job with the three line stanzas I've never even tried that!! smile I like it. You legend! I was just plain stuck...so I had no idea which direction it was headding in....I really need to get round to reading what I bump some times..haha. Thanks - I shall post when I'm finished with it. I shall consider your ideas, they are most brilliant. Awwe thanks tons!! You should I look forward to reading it!! From the begining though I took it to be a girlfriend of his rather than his wife....lol but I couldn't think of anything else either so I thought it would work with a wife. But it might not!! I love your writing though it's so descriptive and is beautiful to read and imagine.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 9:59 pm
Just about to post a new poem in the arenas....just thought I'd let you all know...feel free to abuse my work harshly...but constructively.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:59 pm
Poems are now up in the arena...yay for me!!!! Go poem bash all you poem bashers!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 5:31 pm
So...here's a new one I'm working on....tell me what you think so far.
Trials and tribulations,
Their toll begins to tell
Resonating through the valley
On the tones of an ancient bell.
Here come the armed forces
Their nummbers ebb and swell
As they cross through the village square
and out towards the well.
The image I have in my mind is that of a village in the marching path of soildiers, mainly infantry, off on their way to a war back in the olden times of swords and spears.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:03 am
For those of you who had no idea - I would like to point something out before I post my latest poem. I am gay...yes, thats right, there is a lesbian in your guild.....O_o......anyway - because of my preferacences, and because I 'came out of the closet' to the majority of the people in my senior class three years ago - I have been through a period of being bullied and hated on. Frankly I don't care what people think...it's my choice not theirs...but sometimes it gets to me. So, in true bored style, I wrote a poem after reciving a particularly nasty taunt from one of my former classmates on Campus today - I am currently a first year Uni student.. 'Smile Bitter sweetly'
Smile bitter sweetly,
leave them guessing
your plan for their tourture
payback for the years of riddicule.
Mercy, oh mercy, mercy.
Mercy for those fools,
who taunted you
for not conforming.
For falling in love
with the 'wrong' people.
Now as you hold her close
under their watchful eyes,
steal a kiss,
and leave them guesing
as she blushes and smiles
and lights up your life.
Smile bitter sweetly,
take back the years you have lost,
fighting to retain your identity
and your freedom
you right to choose.
Smile bitter sweetly
at the shining beauty in your arms.
You know the road ahead
is filled with obstacles
caused by those who are ignorant.
Love completly and freely.
She is your world,
not theirs.
Smile bitter sweetly.
Keep them guessing
what goes on behind closed doors.
-Hannah Marie Dearlove
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 3:30 am
*Flails hoplessly through a pile of paper on her floor....*
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 11:45 pm
B*U*M*P! For the sake of bumping....yay! blaugh
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
