Welcome to Gaia! ::

It has been a pretty glorious time around the Dickens shop lately! Lots of babby. Loooooooots of babby. Some of this babby is gorgeous and sexy.



Some of it... some of it is NOT.



But most of it is beautiful, and so happiness and joy abound!

Or it least it DID, until last night.

This morning, Limescale came into the shop to discover...

Somebody has murdered Derplet!

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN

Fortunately, we have the technology to resurrect him. Unfortunately, he can’t remember a thing. He’s pretty desperate to find out what happened to him, so he turned to the most sympathetic person he could find.

For 5.99 a minute, Wilma here listened to his little sob story, then promptly realized that she could solve two problems at once. See, Wilma just had four kids, and that’s really cutting into her business. Limescale, after a night of shame and regret, wants nothing to do with them. She was just going to drop them off at the police station, but she kind of avoids the police and anyways, she knows what the state of public orphanages is like. So she figures that a private detective could probably provide a pretty good home for a little d**k. But she doesn’t want some bum raising her kids- after all, most of her clients are bums and that would just be really awkward if she was like, entertaining one of the bums and she saw one of her kids in the corner of his cardboard box. So she’s decided to hire a BUNCH of detectives and the best ones get to take home her two non-abominations!

That’s these two in case you forgot.



This is where you come in. Peruse the case details, write up a report, and cross your fingers!

Here’s what we know:

The crime was committed in the Dickens shop by either a shopgoer or a dickens. We’re not sure which.
We do know that Garbage Bags is not the culprit.
No murder weapon or fingerprints were found at the scene.
Derplet’s pants WERE on and he hadn’t been assaulted in any way other than by being murdered.
There was blood. Everywhere.
A second look proved that the blood wasn’t actually blood.

Although condition 3 states that the murder weapon was NOT at the scene, several pieces of evidence were found.

A printed-out copy of My Immortal
Several pairs of socks
A statue of Cthulhu
A blue blanket
A blue PS2 controller
Blue balls
A pair of antlers
A corncob
An ice cream scoop
A broomstick
Twenty-nine Decemberists albums
An umbrella
A briefcase stuffed with Milk Duds

And here’s what you need to tell us.

Who’s the killer?
What was the motive?
What was the weapon?
Why can’t Derplet remember anything?


If anybody manages to get all four correct, then they will have first choice of d**k. However, this is highly unlikely, and most of you are more creative than me. So, unless anybody gets all four right, the person with the most interesting/hilarious/best response (in my and Saedusk's opinions) will get the first choice. The rest will be raffled off! Here’s the ticket breakdown.

For entry... 1 ticket
For each correct answer... 2 extra tickets per answer
Are you a newbie? (In this case, newbie is less than three dicks.)... 4 extra tickets
Have you NOT received any pups from breedings this month?... 2 extra tickets



So basically, a filled-out copy of this form would look like this:

Ace Gumshoe, Reporting In!
This is Detective Richard Dongle’s report! I have investigated thoroughly and have determined that a jar of mustard killed Derplet! It committed this heinous crime because mustard is the root of all evil! It used a gun to do the dastardly deed, but that isn’t all! Derplet can’t remember anything because he is a bad!


PAPERWORK SECTION
Please fill this out for interdepartmental sorting.
Are you a newbie?
[ ] Yes
[X] No
Have you received a breeding pup in the past month?
[ ] Yes
[X] No
Is Corn for eating?
[X] Yes
[X] No

This contest will end on Black Friday- that's in one week. Each of you poor bastards can only enter once. GOT IT MEMORIZED?

jk you don't need to memorize