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ContrabassClarinetist Crew
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Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:15 pm
This prison lacks walls, chains, and manacles and yet, it seems to be the most confining of all. A few misplaced words or a broken promise trap the prisoner in the deepest dungeons that simply don't exist. These prisons can hold us for many days, weeks, and even years and will suck the joy out of sunshine, will turn silver to grey, will hold you in their crushing thrall. They may be invincible; fueled by hatred or ignorance. The paradox is that this prison can be destroyed utterly and completely simply by the key that we have held all along. A kind act by another or a letting go on our part, forgiveness shatters these adamant walls with its gentle touch.
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Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 12:08 pm
My attempt at a prompt. I thought about departing from the usual doom and despair that seems to pervade poetry.
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ContrabassClarinetist Crew
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Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:34 am
Sorry I didn't log on sooner to critique your piece sweatdrop
I like your creativity of thinking outside of the box. I also like the language and different words that you used to describe the emotions you want to portray so strongly.
You say that the prison is invincible, but it has a weakness. Maybe if you said something more like the paradox of these sinister traps fueled by hatred and ignorance is in each of our hands. Or something like that. (I loved the words fueled and paradox in those sentences so I tried to keep them. Completely and utterly was a little redundant though.)
"A kind act by another" makes it sound like we can't get out of the prison ourselves. Maybe "A small act of charity or a letting go on our part."
I almost feel like you should have a "Are you still trapped?" kind of sentence at the end because you talk about each of us holding a key and how these prisons affect us.
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Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:55 pm
Ultimate Blond Sorry I didn't log on sooner to critique your piece sweatdrop I like your creativity of thinking outside of the box. I also like the language and different words that you used to describe the emotions you want to portray so strongly. You say that the prison is invincible, but it has a weakness. Maybe if you said something more like the paradox of these sinister traps fueled by hatred and ignorance is in each of our hands. Or something like that. (I loved the words fueled and paradox in those sentences so I tried to keep them. Completely and utterly was a little redundant though.) "A kind act by another" makes it sound like we can't get out of the prison ourselves. Maybe "A small act of charity or a letting go on our part." I almost feel like you should have a "Are you still trapped?" kind of sentence at the end because you talk about each of us holding a key and how these prisons affect us. Yeah, I probably should have spent more time editing.
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ContrabassClarinetist Crew
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