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 Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:46 pm
I don't think I trust my husband! gonk I feel so bad about this, but I just need to get it out. The other day I was looking through his phone, not looking for anything, when I go in to his pictures and see that he has three videos downloaded. So I click on them and see that they are porn. He was sleeping right next to me so I woke him up and confronted him. He said someone probably got on his phone and put them on there then changed his password... He knows all of my passwords and I know all of his so I don't really see why I don't trust him. But my dad was never faithful and my brother-in-law is not. I guess I'm just paranoid that he will cheat on me. I am very suspicious and I do snoop... I feel so guilty.
I think I am feeling this way because he works so much then when he is home he's either sleeping or playing games or is just there. Here physically, but not mentally. He doesnt pay much attention to me unless we're in bed and even then he rolls over and goes to sleep. It's like a 50/50 thing when we sleep. Half the time he is touching me, holding me, rubbing my back et cetera and the other half he's on his side facing away and sleeping...
Maybe it's a mommy issue... That I feel he will never give up some of his mom's attention to give me attention and make me feel appreciated. I have no clue...
Any advice? I want to talk to him, but I know I'm going to have a nervous break down because I feel so guilty. Right now I just want to cry because these thoughts have been going through my head constantly.
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Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 1:56 pm
Why does looking at porn = he will cheat on you? Guys look at porn, I don't think they can help themselves. xd
As to the other stuff...can't really say. We get along well enough with each other, but hubby and I don't pay that much attention to each other either. sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:47 pm
As I understand it every now and again guys prefer to masturbate over having sex just because it's less effort and an easy 'off' and since they're visually stimulated, they get porn. It's not anything personal, but just a spur of the moment type of thing. (I could be wrong though. I'm sure there's men out there having a good laugh at my expense right now kind of like they do when they read Cosmopolitan's sex tips from 'men'.)
Then there's also the fact that as a relationship goes on, some of that 'spark' fades and intimacy between couples isn't experienced as often. Added onto the fact that men reach their sexual peak in their late teens, it only goes down from there.
As far as I can tell he's being a normal man, but then again I don't know all aspects of the situation. I'm guessing with the whole porn thing he *might have told a little white lie to keep you from worrying but who knows. I wouldn't personally worry about it but that's my doesn't have the entire picture point of view.
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Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:44 pm
:shoves through the "guys do this and that" posts.:
ok, first of all, porn isn't a guy-thing, it's a human-thing. it isn't gender-specific, and as many women look at porn as men, and as many men don't look at porn as women.
secondly, this fixation you have with suspecting men to cheat on their wives is beginning to bother me. confused try to relax, if anything that's a sign that he's NOT looking at other women! xd he's in a settled down life, the fact is that he'll get tired of the same old thing and want to mix it up. so, instead of having an affair, he's doing the mature responsible thing and handling it faithfully.
and i can't blame him for lying about it when you are obviously so prone to freaking out like this about it. stare have you ever thought that maybe your opinions about things like this frighten him away from being honest with you about it? it's like he can't admit it, because if he does you'll just get upset, and that's the last thing he wants.
this is the very reason i tend to get so angry at married MEN most of the time! for worrying that their wives will cheat on them (with me, usually). the way i see it, this jealousy and lack of trust are harmful to the relationship. you have alot worse problems than potential women your husband would run off with; you've first gotta deal with your own insecurities.
i'm telling you this because i love you as a friend. i picked you up and invited you to my own guild because i recognize that you are an awesome and valuable person, who's thoughts and opinions matter. but that doesn't mean i agree with you on everything, and i do feel the need to point out things i disagree with you on, and things that i notice are hurting you. i hope you take constructive criticism well. heart
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:15 am
Chieftain Twilight :shoves through the "guys do this and that" posts.: I figured I might have been wrong. Although on the subject of porn I don't know of many women that watch porn for themselves, they generally do it to help keep a man worked up. Most of the time with women's masturbation I think we kind of play a movie in our own heads and submerse to that particular fantasy, keeping our eyes closed so we can kinda daydream whatever particular fantasy it is we're having. Looking at porn is counter-productive to that. I could be wrong on that as well as I'm not nor know the masturbatory habits of all women.
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:41 pm
Thank you everyone for the ideas and advice. I'm on my phone so this message will be a little brief.
I am getting insecure with my body right now because I am gaining weight. I ask him if he can tell and he says no, but boy can I. It's depressing me. I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative, but I don't really trust the store ones. So that could be a possibility.
I don't understand why he can't tell me things like that though. I've told him about my fling after he broke up with me. And I have showed him the pictures of porn that I rarely look at {and it's not the "usual"}. So I don't understand why he would be secretive about it.
But I wrote him a letter and that seems to help. He brought me home purple roses after he read it. I hate the lack of intimacy, but he tries when I tell him.
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:59 pm
Aakosir Thank you everyone for the ideas and advice. I'm on my phone so this message will be a little brief.
I am getting insecure with my body right now because I am gaining weight. I ask him if he can tell and he says no, but boy can I. It's depressing me. I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative, but I don't really trust the store ones. So that could be a possibility.
I don't understand why he can't tell me things like that though. I've told him about my fling after he broke up with me. And I have showed him the pictures of porn that I rarely look at {and it's not the "usual"}. So I don't understand why he would be secretive about it.
But I wrote him a letter and that seems to help. He brought me home purple roses after he read it. I hate the lack of intimacy, but he tries when I tell him. Well, not an expert here obviously, but guys don't really care that much about 5 pounds more or less. Also, they aren't terribly good at observing--it took my dad a couple of days to notice that I got my hair cut pretty short. So if your husband thinks you're beautiful and you're healthy, I don't see what the problem is with gaining weight. If he has no reason to hide the fact that he's looking at porn, why would he? He probably isn't, and you should trust him anyway.
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:49 pm
Eccentric Detective Aakosir Thank you everyone for the ideas and advice. I'm on my phone so this message will be a little brief.
I am getting insecure with my body right now because I am gaining weight. I ask him if he can tell and he says no, but boy can I. It's depressing me. I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative, but I don't really trust the store ones. So that could be a possibility.
I don't understand why he can't tell me things like that though. I've told him about my fling after he broke up with me. And I have showed him the pictures of porn that I rarely look at {and it's not the "usual"}. So I don't understand why he would be secretive about it.
But I wrote him a letter and that seems to help. He brought me home purple roses after he read it. I hate the lack of intimacy, but he tries when I tell him. Well, not an expert here obviously, but guys don't really care that much about 5 pounds more or less. Also, they aren't terribly good at observing--it took my dad a couple of days to notice that I got my hair cut pretty short. So if your husband thinks you're beautiful and you're healthy, I don't see what the problem is with gaining weight. If he has no reason to hide the fact that he's looking at porn, why would he? He probably isn't, and you should trust him anyway.
I have a hard time just trusting people for no apparant reason. They need to gain my trust. He's never really tried to gain it, as far as I could see. I am very untrusting...
*glares at Twilight* I see now that a lot of this is comming back to myself. I did acknowledge your comment and did put a good bit of thought in to it and now that I'm answer to these posts I do see that a lot of the issue is myself. But how can a person learn to trust when they have been abused by the ones they trusted in the past?
Also, my husband has told me that almost every single wife of his co-workers is cheating or has cheated. I was really shocked at this. I thought it would be the men who were cheating. Sorry for the biased opinion, but that's what it used to be. But now the women are worse than the men! I guess I think that an intimate, faithful relationship is almost impossible with the people out there... And I've told people that I would rather hear the truth than what they want me to hear. I don't care if it will upset me. I will get over it. He hid his smoking from me for a seconds. I could smell it on him, but he denied it. And I've heard the theory that if they lie about small things then why wouldn't they lie about the more important things... I really can not remember the last lie I told.
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:00 pm
Yeah, I've been there...
I came across the motherload on an old hard drive a few years ago... It sounds bad... and I thought it was the end of the world... so I left a note on said hard-drive (it was something left around from before we even met), and then started searching his computer for smut... I found a small hidden file with a few vids and pics so I left a note there too... Just to see when and if he would acknowledge it...
It took almost a month for him to confront me about the note on his computer and, I don't think he ever even saw the hard drive note (it's been gone a long time now)...
Anyway, it all boiled down to the fact that he didn't want me feeling inadequate, as he knew I would (and did), and he didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he wasn't 100% upfront honest. I felt hurt and confused fro awhile, but life goes on we came to a compromise that works for us.
In the end, I was silly for immediately jumping to the worse possible conclusions, and he learned his actions in trying to "protect" my feelings just made it easier to jump to said worse conclusions. It was one of our first lessons of trust and compromise.
I seriously doubt your man is contemplating cheating, he probably just did the same thing my hubby did.
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:12 pm
Eltanin Sadachbia Anyway , it all boiled down to the fact that he didn't want me feeling inadequate, as he knew I would (and did), and he didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he wasn't 100% upfront honest. I felt hurt and confused fro awhile, but life goes on we came to a compromise that works for us.
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:53 pm
it has nothing to do with him thinking you are inadequate. it is that what he does notice is that you seem to notice things he doesn't, and that you think lowly of yourself!
look, i'm wanting to be the guy here to say that everyone on this thread should stop talking about the behaviors of men and women with such generality, but i can't realy do that effectively when i'm about to say what i am.
it seems to me like ALL women think they arn't good enough, and have this drive to secure their significant other as though they could slip away on the slightest breeze. it upsets me. sad i hate seeing so much self-loathing in any group. i hate seeing these rivalries, and competitions between women and girls over the lifemates they want, the job positions they want, the wealth they want, whatever. i hate seeing people bow and scrape to unrealistic effigies of the human form. i hate to see cases of peoples' low self-esteem driving them to complete hysteric paranoia that they will somehow be kicked to the curve and left to die alone.
it WON"T happen that way! gonk what can men do to convince the women they love to love themselves, and have some confidence, and to trust them, and to feel pretty, and to know that they are loved and wanted and desired?
tell your husband what it is you need to see as proof, so he can get it for you. and while your at it, tell me what the secret is too, please? gonk
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Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 7:54 pm
Lateralus es Helica Chieftain Twilight :shoves through the "guys do this and that" posts.: I figured I might have been wrong. Although on the subject of porn I don't know of many women that watch porn for themselves, they generally do it to help keep a man worked up. Most of the time with women's masturbation I think we kind of play a movie in our own heads and submerse to that particular fantasy, keeping our eyes closed so we can kinda daydream whatever particular fantasy it is we're having. Looking at porn is counter-productive to that. I could be wrong on that as well as I'm not nor know the masturbatory habits of all women. that is SOOO not the way women are in Florida! xd ******** whores, the lot of'em. >.> and bitches on top o'that!
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Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:32 am
Aakosir I don't think I trust my husband! gonk I feel so bad about this, but I just need to get it out. The other day I was looking through his phone, not looking for anything, when I go in to his pictures and see that he has three videos downloaded. So I click on them and see that they are porn. He was sleeping right next to me so I woke him up and confronted him. He said someone probably got on his phone and put them on there then changed his password... He knows all of my passwords and I know all of his so I don't really see why I don't trust him. But my dad was never faithful and my brother-in-law is not. I guess I'm just paranoid that he will cheat on me. I am very suspicious and I do snoop... I feel so guilty.
I think I am feeling this way because he works so much then when he is home he's either sleeping or playing games or is just there. Here physically, but not mentally. He doesnt pay much attention to me unless we're in bed and even then he rolls over and goes to sleep. It's like a 50/50 thing when we sleep. Half the time he is touching me, holding me, rubbing my back et cetera and the other half he's on his side facing away and sleeping...
Maybe it's a mommy issue... That I feel he will never give up some of his mom's attention to give me attention and make me feel appreciated. I have no clue...
Any advice? I want to talk to him, but I know I'm going to have a nervous break down because I feel so guilty. Right now I just want to cry because these thoughts have been going through my head constantly. What you need to understand is that masturbation does not mean that you are not good enough for him. Guys like to jerk it, and to a wide variety of things. I can't speak for all men because I am technically asexual and have a fetish, but when I am in relationships the porn does not take the place of the person I am with- I go into relationships for the spiritual and emotional connection. Pornography is just something we can jerk it to- We don't compare you to the models, we don't imagine them instead of you, we don't want to go out with them because we chose you for the spiritual connection. Think of it like taking a dump- A lot of people read while they go. Well, to guys masturbation is kind of like that, as we get a backup of hormones and such if we don't. And instead of flipping open a magazine, we watch porn.
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Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:37 pm
Chieftain Twilight it has nothing to do with him thinking you are inadequate. it is that what he does notice is that you seem to notice things he doesn't, and that you think lowly of yourself! look, i'm wanting to be the guy here to say that everyone on this thread should stop talking about the behaviors of men and women with such generality, but i can't realy do that effectively when i'm about to say what i am. it seems to me like ALL women think they arn't good enough, and have this drive to secure their significant other as though they could slip away on the slightest breeze. it upsets me. sad i hate seeing so much self-loathing in any group. i hate seeing these rivalries, and competitions between women and girls over the lifemates they want, the job positions they want, the wealth they want, whatever. i hate seeing people bow and scrape to unrealistic effigies of the human form. i hate to see cases of peoples' low self-esteem driving them to complete hysteric paranoia that they will somehow be kicked to the curve and left to die alone. it WON"T happen that way! gonk what can men do to convince the women they love to love themselves, and have some confidence, and to trust them, and to feel pretty, and to know that they are loved and wanted and desired? tell your husband what it is you need to see as proof, so he can get it for you. and while your at it, tell me what the secret is too, please? gonk My phone is being stupid so no color... My reason for feeling this way is the lack of attention. He never tells me I'm pretty. He never says I'm amazing or good or whatever. He only compliments my cooking when I pull his teeth. And I'm not a bad cook. I just don't cook like mommy -.-'... And I gurantee if I bring it up again I will get the same "someone put it on there". Which may be true. But I can't tell if he's lying... I've told him I need more attention. I haven't gone out with anyone in over a month. I've been in the house waiting for him to get home and taking care of our daughter. I get no attention from anyone other than those two. They are my life. It sucks that I get no breaks from being a mom. It feels like he doesn't even acknowledge me for taking care of his daughter. Not like he pays much attention to her anyways... I dunno.
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Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:42 pm
divineseraph Aakosir I don't think I trust my husband! gonk I feel so bad about this, but I just need to get it out. The other day I was looking through his phone, not looking for anything, when I go in to his pictures and see that he has three videos downloaded. So I click on them and see that they are porn. He was sleeping right next to me so I woke him up and confronted him. He said someone probably got on his phone and put them on there then changed his password... He knows all of my passwords and I know all of his so I don't really see why I don't trust him. But my dad was never faithful and my brother-in-law is not. I guess I'm just paranoid that he will cheat on me. I am very suspicious and I do snoop... I feel so guilty.
I think I am feeling this way because he works so much then when he is home he's either sleeping or playing games or is just there. Here physically, but not mentally. He doesnt pay much attention to me unless we're in bed and even then he rolls over and goes to sleep. It's like a 50/50 thing when we sleep. Half the time he is touching me, holding me, rubbing my back et cetera and the other half he's on his side facing away and sleeping...
Maybe it's a mommy issue... That I feel he will never give up some of his mom's attention to give me attention and make me feel appreciated. I have no clue...
Any advice? I want to talk to him, but I know I'm going to have a nervous break down because I feel so guilty. Right now I just want to cry because these thoughts have been going through my head constantly. What you need to understand is that masturbation does not mean that you are not good enough for him. Guys like to jerk it, and to a wide variety of things. I can't speak for all men because I am technically asexual and have a fetish, but when I am in relationships the porn does not take the place of the person I am with- I go into relationships for the spiritual and emotional connection. Pornography is just something we can jerk it to- We don't compare you to the models, we don't imagine them instead of you, we don't want to go out with them because we chose you for the spiritual connection. Think of it like taking a dump- A lot of people read while they go. Well, to guys masturbation is kind of like that, as we get a backup of hormones and such if we don't. And instead of flipping open a magazine, we watch porn. I have a fetish also and he knows... I tell him everything. And he has pictures and videos of us so why would he have three videos from a site... and I have no clue what that last metaphor means. I don't do that so... But when I masterbate I don't use porn. Rare occasions I will, but most of the time I'm replaying things in my mind.
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