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Original Poetry

"Feeling Empty"

Broken_Angel_xXx

Desirable Vampire

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Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 2:22 pm

“Feeling Empty”
By Sarah aka Vampire Girl
September 3, 2010

My glass of life isn’t complete
But it’s not empty either
When I wake up from a dream
Where I feel fully complete
A world where he holds me in his arms
Filling me with nothing but love
Then I wake up feeling unusually empty
My dreams only stay dreams
I close my eyes and I live in a perfect world
My wishes only stay wishes
I have wished on a shining star for most of my life
If they were to come true I’d have him
But I don’t so they are only as they appear to be
I always create situations in my head
And they don’t become reality
It’s depressing to dream in an unfair universe
When your dreams are candy sweet

comments?

Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:52 pm

I couldn't think of a better way to do this, so we're going to do the line-by-line method here.

Sarah aka Vampire Girl

My glass of life isn’t complete
But it’s not empty either
When I wake up from a dream

This line is a tad awkward, not here in and of itself, but because of a line later down...

Sarah

Where I feel fully complete
A world where he holds me in his arms
Filling me with nothing but love
Then I wake up feeling unusually empty

... here. The line above is awkward because the line down here repeats what you meant that line to say, but this line says it better. I'd just stick with this line; it fits in better. But that's just my opinion.

Sarah

My dreams only stay dreams
I close my eyes and I live in a perfect world
My wishes only stay wishes
I have wished on a shining star for most of my life

I like these lines, but I think you should play around with formatting. Because you don't have any punctuation, these lines sort of run into each other and sound like a bit of a mess if the reader doesn't take the time to slow them down in his/her head. What I might suggest is putting an indent in on every other line for these four, or making every other line italic. It would emphasize the one line in contrast to the next line, etc. Again, just my opinion.

Sarah

If they were to come true I’d have him
But I don’t so they are only as they appear to be

Could you put a coma next to "don't," please? It would read better, at least to me. Thanks.

Sarah

I always create situations in my head
And they don’t become reality
It’s depressing to dream in an unfair universe
When your dreams are candy sweet

I love your last two lines here. Would you consider setting them apart from the rest of the poem with a space, or something similar? I just wonder if it would add to the impact. But, strictly speaking in terms of words, I really like these lines. They get the meaning across in one, final blow. Nice conclusion to the whole poem.

Overall, I like this poem. I just think in a few spots it's a bit rough to read. But nice job.

Aloysia Bloodfur

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