I lie awake, I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy thinking of you
Made a mistake, let you go baby, I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do


She thought of him every night. Every single day, every single moment, and especially when she saw happy couples together. She couldn't help it; tried telling herself she wasn't jealous and was happy that they were with their love. Was happy that they didn't have to go through the pain of losing someone they loved so much.

But then she would think of him and it took everything in her to clamp her palm over her mouth and choke down the sobs rising in her throat. It took every muscle in her body to hold it back and she ran, trembling, back to her room or some nearby secluded area to cry her heart out until her head hurt too. The ache never faded, even though some had said that as time passed, she would eventually forget him.

But the thing was, Serenade had already forgotten him once and perhaps, this fear of forgetting contributed to her heart's refusal to let go.

Sometimes, secretly, she wished. She wished she would just fall into slumber, and forget, just forget every single thing, so she could wake up with a smile and start all over. So her body wouldn't wrack with sobs and her face wouldn't be sticky and uncomfortable after her tears dried, so her head wouldn't throb with crying so much. And so that she didn't have to think that she would never see him again except the corrupted, evil version of him in her nightmares. So her heart wouldn't pine for him endlessly, all the while knowing that the void in her heart would forever stay empty and she would die alone without him by her side.

Now I toss and turn
Cause I'm without you
How I'm missing you so bad
Where was my head?
Where was my heart?
Now I cry alone in the dark


She also sometimes wished she could have chosen to die with him back then. At least they would have been together, two halves of a whole. Not having him was like having a part of herself ripped away from her and feeling so lost and empty.

Sometimes she thought she would go mad, missing him so much. That she would be locked up someday, in an asylum, bound with a straitjacket, and in an empty room. Doctors would shake their heads while peering at her through a small window.

Sometimes she wished she could love another. To start over again, but it wasn't possible. It wasn't as if she hadn't tried. She had smiled back at some boys whom she was startled to notice were staring at her. Still, perhaps she was being unfair because every time she saw them, her mind automatically compared them to him. She couldn't bring herself to accept dates and cooked up excuses, then would be in her room, curled up under her blankets and crying.

Perhaps it was because she was all alone. Her dorm room was empty, save for her and her belongings, and whenever she saw the other empty bed, she thought of all that she had lost. All that she missed.

And now I'm left
With all this pain
I've only got myself to blame


All that she ever wanted, and she hadn't realized how important it was until now, when she craved and desired so very badly to have that back.

That's when she got the ring.

Ally and her had never been official, because people had mostly thought they were brother and sister, which left Serenade fairly stumped. It was frustrating, but she hadn't really cared as long as she was with him. As long as they were together and loved each other, but she had never questioned his love for her nor vice versa.

She had went out, hair drawn back from her face with a simple white band, went in one of those jewelry shops, and asked politely about rings. Did she want an engraving? Yes please, it should say Alistair & Serenade, here I'll write it down for you...

Then the shopkeeper smiled and asked her if she wanted one for her boyfriend too. At first, she was taken aback, but she composed herself and said stoutly, "Yes."

A few minutes later, it was done, and Serenade slipped the silver band on her ring figure. It was somewhat comforting, to give herself a symbol, and now she realized why people got rings when they were married.

The other ring she took and deliberated what to do with it. She wondered if she should go to his grave and put it there, but it could be stolen and she could not bear the thought of that.

Instead, she took her necklace, slipped off the green pendant which matched her earrings, and threaded the ring on the silver chain instead.

I'll wear this until you come back. Or at least, until I see you again. I'll put this on your finger and smile, basking in your warmth I've missed so much.

I lie awake, I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy thinking of you
Made a mistake, let you go baby, I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do