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 Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 4:29 pm
So this is the
O F F I C I A L
test profile critique thread
If you want you can post your profile here and I will give some advice and possibly some harsh criticism. This is to help you polish up your character before the actual test, because no matter how good your rping is, having a bad character won't help you in the end.
You can edit a character even if you already posted up to the time when the test starts.
I will send out a PM at least a day before the test starts as a warning.
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Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:42 pm
The revised version.
Name:
Rick Balyard
Age:
24
Gender:
male
Appearance:
At 5 foot 7 the Asian young man has mess of red dyed hair, thin hazel eyes and a slightly muscular athletic build. He constantly has a bandage wrapped around his left eye, and his ear lobes are pierced, a ruby stud in each ear.
His style is very punk rocker-esque, though he prefers mobility and utility over style and fashion. He usually wears darker tones, with dashes of bright, deep reds or greens.
Personality:
Rick is a fighter through and through, untrustworthy, untrusting, and constantly on guard, it's hard to see what [if any] civility resides within him. Do not, however, mistake this for stupidity, a sharp wit and guile resides in Rick’s head, that has kept him alive through his harsh life.
Overconfidence and arrogance do have a habit of invading Rick's decision making, and a life fighting tooth and nail to gain the respect of his peers in the grotty backstreets and underground criminal dens of inner-city Tokyo have given Rick a warped set of values, these warped in the sense that Rick now thinks that violence and fighting is the optimal way to gain allies.
History:
A punk rocker from inner-city Japan, Rick had a violent upbringing with a violent drunk as a stepfather, and a mother who just couldn’t leave. His mother eventually left the man, but not after he beat Rick half to death when he was just fifteen. Unable to forgive his mother, Rick packed his things and left, without much of a plan at all. An unwise move, under any circumstances, but in the lower districts of Tokyo, this was tantamount to suicide. The first few months were the toughest, sleeping rough and getting beaten up every other day was the life Rick was forced to get used to. It was ironic, really. The very violence he had just 'escaped' from was woven into the very city itself.
After a few months of living hell, Rick caught what he thought was an unbelievable break. A blind demon appeared to the hardy young man. The eyeless Demon offered Rick a deal. Rick would get all the power and fortune in the criminal underworld he wanted, the only price being his soul.
Now Rick may have had a hard life, but that didn‘t mean he wasn‘t going to barter. The demon let slip that for some reason or another Rick‘s body and soul held a particularly high value to the demonic forces, so Rick bartered till the demon agreed to the trade of five years of servitude from Rick as a sub demon and Rick‘s living left eye, and in return, the demon would lend Rick a demon‘s incredible strength, agility, and augmented senses.
Lastly, when in dire need, Rick could call upon Ild himself, to help out Rick in battle.
From that moment on, Rick steadily grew more powerful, he was no longer beaten up by the bikers and yakuza that decided on targeting him. He had become the predator, not the prey…
That is, until demons started showing up and trying to take his soul.
Ild wasn‘t kidding about Rick’s soul being ‘delicious smelling’, and now it seems every other day a new demon is trying to get to Rick‘s soul.
Combat experience:
Rick has fought all his life. It comes as naturally to him as breathing. He has fought the law, the criminal underworld, even demons attempting to steal his soul, all while desperately trying to survive.
Other:
Rick traded his left eye and five years of servitude post death to a demon named Ild (Norwegian for fire), in return for the strength, agility and sharp senses of a demon, and even the help of the demon himself. Ild does everything he can to get out of helping Rick, but Rick knows most of his tricks, and keeps reasonable control of the demon.
Ild is a fire element demon, capable of feats of impossible strength, making walls and balls of fire, short range teleportation, and the ability to reform himself if destroyed. (these powers can only be used by the demon, not Rick, just to make this perfectly clear.) Downsides to Rick when he calls up Ild, (apart from the obvious) is a distinct energy loss while the demon is raised, and the possibility of the demon “accidentally” hurting Rick's allies, and lastly, time is a factor. Ild can only manifest for about six minutes before fading back into the underworld. Lastly, Rick himself is a plucky character, and uses a lightweight 9mm pistol and butterfly knife for ranged and melee combat. respectively.
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Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 7:23 pm
I'll go through section by section.
n a m e
Obviously, there's nothing to critique about the name.
a g e
Now, you are putting yourself at a slight disadvantage here. Granted, a 21 year old has a lot more experience than a 16 year old pretty boy that most rpers choose to have as characters; however, you're not giving yourself tons of room for experience. If you bumped that up even a couple of years there's a lot more experience that could have been gained.
a p p e a r a n c e
One thing that always bothers me when it comes to appearance is when people describe one outfit. Now, I'm not entirely certain if you were just describing what they would be wearing during the fight, but regardless you should be more vague when it comes to outfit description. I doubt your characters wears the same clothes everyday of his life. So instead of naming articles of clothing describe the types of clothes that he would wear.
Does that make sense? I'll show you an example from one of my characters:
"Her pale smooth skin illustrates her as an ethereal beauty, a glow seeming to emanate from her very being. Her body is usually adorned with long flowing dress that trail around her body in a pool of soft fabric, the color white generally being her choice. She simply adores the way that elongated dresses cling to her curves, bringing attention to her more favorable assets. In her mind she is a Queen, and a Queen deserves the greatest gowns. Though she allows her mane to usually hang loose around her, the dark thick tresses a contrast to the paleness of her skin and the color palate of her wardrobe. Sometimes she’ll pin it up in a fashionable manner, only of course to bring more attention to what she considers to be flawless features."
That's part of the description of her appearance, and I hope you get the idea of what I'm saying from that.
Also, I find it unnecessary to throw in the link of the spiked wrist bands, being as they are quite easily described.
p e r s o n a l i t y
To be honest, the personality seems rather cliche. I'd call Rick your typical headstrong individual. Saying that he's a 'arrogant natural born leader' doesn't give him much room for weakness. Typically, these are the signs of a gary stu or whatever you want to call it.
You need to elaborate on the personality more. Give your character more depth. Right now he just doesn't seem all that special. It's okay to have a fairly cliche personality considering that those kinds of people do exist, but you have to make your character an actual character.
Elaborate on his weaknesses, his struggles, how he acts around others, how he acts in a fight, why he acts that way, et cetera. There are tons of things that can be incorporated into a character's personality and once you take the time to incorporate everything in you end up having a much better character that is far more developed and therefore easier to rp as.
Yet again I'll show you an example from the same character I just showed you:
" In the eyes of Eris she is without a flaw. Narcissism at its best, she firmly believes that the world should revolve around her and therefore she seeks to control it. A smug grin is usually fixed upon her lips, a confident aura surrounding her at all times. She’s egotistical and doesn’t hesitate to tear down others in attempt to pursue her own self interest. Others don’t matter; all that matters is her and her power. Lies and deceit aren’t beneath her, and if anything she justifies her actions by believing that it is all for the greater good.
All she wants to do is make the world a better place—and who best to make the world better than the best person in the world?
She’s not eccentric. She’s not outgoing. She’s not caring. She’s not kind. She’s simply not that likable of a person. Instead, most would characterize her as a cold hard b***h—the type of person that is truly unbearable to be around. However, as her students, most don’t have a choice but to be in awe of her being as her power truly does provoke awe in others. A powerful determined woman, she knows how to get ahead, and those that can respect that respect her for it, although they may continue to hate her for how horrible a person that she is.
Quick to anger and easily irritated, Eris never hesitates to lash out on somehow for provoking her. However, most would admit that she is the true manipulator considering that she has proven to be able to engender someone to like her just as easily as she can make them hate her. Sometimes—just sometimes—a sickeningly sweet smile will find its way upon her lips prior to the lies she’ll spew to get into the minds of others. Not only that, but with the aid of her abilities she treats others like her puppets and people like her slaves.
If asked if she had any form of soul or heart most would likely say no, for the only emotion that Eris ever allows the world to see is bitterness, determination, hatred, and a lust for power. Never do genuine kind words or actions escape her, and never has she ever wished to change that."
Being as this character is quite the typical villianess this is a good display as to how to take typical characteristics (headstrong natural born leader) and develop it a bit more. Yes, it's lengthy, but it's quite difficult to have a well developed profile without length.
h i s t o r y
This is an interesting choice of past for this type of fight, but I do think it is quite interesting. Though yet again, I do feel that it could be elaborated upon. And as I have already said, when you elaborate on your character you tend to grow with them and learn to rp as them better.
Even if you don't feel the need to elaborate elaborately I would suggest to at least delve into the aspects of his life where he did actually fight. As of now you just say his life was violent, but the only proof is a drunk father.
c o m b a t e x p e r i e n c e
As I said for the history, this is an interesting and possibly bad choice for your character since the monsters being fought against are incredibly large and incredibly strong and will not be able to be killed with a gun.
Also, you said he was involved in street fights, but there is no explanation for the fights. Yes, he had a drunk father but why was he involved in fights. You said he's a natural born leader, but if he's often involved in street fights he seems more compulsive and violence than initially described. Make sure you clarify who your character is and where he stands.
o t h e r
Okay, lot's to say here. First of all I love the trading the left eye to a demon aspect. That is the first true spark of originality I've seen in the character, and I definitely think you should've made that more of a foundation. Why was this demon not mentioned in the personality or in the history? You should describe how the account with the demon came about and why he traded it in the first place (protection against what, et cetera).
What I would suggest is that you do actually have some powers given to Rick as a result of the trade. If you want him to survive in the fight you'll want to make him a little stronger.
As for the guitar I have to say I am rather confused. He uses it to lure out his opponents. If he's a street fighter it seems like his enemies wouldn't be the ones lured out to noise and also wouldn't be the type to go deaf because of it. Also, for the sake of the test, a guitar wouldn't stand much of a chance against a colossus or a leviathan, and it certainly wouldn't deafen it.
Also, from what I see he's carrying: an electric guitar, two speakers, ear protectors, a revolver, and a machete. Now, I don't know about you, but that seems like a lot of crap to be carrying around on a regular basis. If your focus is street fighting it seems more likely that he would just have the gun and maybe a small knife or something. Carrying around so much all the time would make it hard to move swiftly.
So there is my basic critique. Essentially what you can take away from it is to e l a b o r a t e . You do have a good basis of a character but parts of him are very typical and you need to stray away from that. Focus on the things about him that are different and develop those parts of him more.
Also, make sure that he logically makes sense when it comes to what he fights with and how he fights. Remember who the fight is going to be against, and don't necessarily make a character to beat them, but make it so that he makes sense with the actual test.Let me know if you have any questions and I hope this helped. :]
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Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 7:27 pm
Name:
Having no legal name other than a number she goes by Kit.
Age:
19
Gender:
Female
Appearance: (in words)
Kit is about 5 feet 8 inches tall, and skinny but not to the point where you see her bones. She only weighs about 90 lbs due to how her bones are similar to a bird's and most of her weight is from muscle and very little fat on her. She has black, raven like wings with a fourteen foot span to them. Though she can tuck then next to her spine and cover them with a jacket to seem like a normal human. She has shoulder length black and brown streaked hair, that she usually ties up to keep out of the way when fighting or flying. Her hands are rough and sacred along with her arms with various marks of old fights.
For her clothing, Kit goes for warmth and just ease of getting. Usually she's in a black or gray hoodie (depending on the last chance she had to wash it) with a blue t-shirt under it, and a black jacket over everything. All three shirts have long slits cut in the back for her wings. For pants just a pair of jeans do her well enough and a pair of worn sneakers on her feet. Her whole outfit shows signs of being worn, and a few blood stains show that she's been in a fair share of fights.
Personality:
Kit for the most part worries about her survival and finding her next place to hide away for a night. She's extremely claustrophobic, and distrusts anybody wearing a white lab coat. Still if she finds that she can trust somebody, she will do her best to help that person or people to survive as well. She has a temper to watch out for and if a bit headstrong when on her own, acting first without much of a plan when fighting.
History:
Kit is an avian hybrid, to be more specific she's 2% raven and 98% human. A test tube baby born in a lab called the School, and hell doesn't even begin to describe that place. Tests were done daily and were often painful by people that she and the other subjects called Whitecoats. She was kept in what could be called a dog crate, only having brief times to practice flying. Most of what she learned was by watching birds and copying the movements. When she was 14 the School was ordered to 'retire' or kill all the DNA hybrids, and she was sent to be killed the next morning. Something happened; not even Kit is sure what exactly sure what happened but there was a chance to escape to the sky and she took it as fast as her wings could carry her.
She spent the next five years on the run, running into other hybrids but more often than not they were the lupine ones or Erasers. During that time she learned how to fight dirty, hand to hand like street fighting. It didn't matter what it took, all that mattered was her survival.
Combat experience:
She has five years of street fighting like combat under her belt, but will take up a weapon if it's something hand to hand based like a thick branch or pipe. She is clueless about firearms.
Other:
Kit can fly to speeds of roughly 150 mph in a dive, but prefers to stay at about 90 when going to a set destination. The highest altitude she's gone was about to the point where the air is thin, and normal humans would need oxygen to breath. She has a built in sense of direction, just in that she knows where she wants to go, and what direction to go, even when there are no landmarks to go off of. Her vision is equal to that of a raptor, a bird of prey along with excellent night vision. The only true strange power she has is being able to influence people's actions. Not really control them, but unless it's against their morals, they usually follow through with the sugestion.
I'll fix spelling errors when MS word isn't being annoying. Aka Tomorrow most likely.
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Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 11:40 pm
Edited
Name:
Jun Niwa
Age:
32
Gender:
Male
Appearance: (in words)
Jun Niwa
Jun has an average build. He is about 5'10" and weighs approximately 130 pounds. Most people that happen to see him think he is extremely stern because his mouth is turned downward as if he is disgusted with everything. His hair is long and black. In a fight, he keeps it up in a pony-tail. He finds it troublesome to have to cut it all of the time, and it keeps his head warmer than short hair. Jun's eyes are a bright silver that he inherited from his mom. His light, if not white, clothing is made from a special material that comes from a yeti pelt. Most people that live in the mountains has found it is the best way to stay warm. He takes fur from other monsters in the mountains to be sewn into the pelt for more warmth. An under-shirt and breeches are worn underneath thick pants made from the material mentioned and make his legs look twice as thick. However, they are quite manueverable despite the thickness. Jun doesn't exactly know why, he thinks it has something to do with the furs. He has several jackets made like his various pants.
Personality:
The only time he talks is when coming up with a plan or when he finds it absolutely necessary. He has a poor sense of humor and will not hesitate to remind you not to screw around with him. He tends to stay away from people, however. He will go out of his way to get people to not want to be with him. Doing things like insulting them or even attacking them for no apparent reason. Though, just because he can be hateful and rude, he is not a liar. If he makes plans with someone (highly improbable) he will stick to them, albeit grudgingly.
History:
Strangely enough, this man was raised in quite a wealthy family. His parents were both wealthy. His mother's side owned a series of mines. It seemed they always knew where to look. The mines included everything from diamonds to platinum. His father on the other hand was a very powerful merchant. With the wealth they were both capable of bringing in, money came in fast. Jun was the only child they had. For the longest time the couple couldn't figure out why the mother's family had silver eyes. She didn't know because any time she asked no one would explain it. However, later it was discovered that those with silver eyes such as theirs had magical abilities. None of the magics were the same, at least, not exactly. Several of them had abilities that dealt with tracking precious stones or metals. Now it was obvious why they were so lucky with finding them. The father was delighted with the ocurrence. He had found a family of magic and was accepted into it. So that different merchants could not cheat their child and so he would know anything he would ever need, the parents put Jun in classes as soon as he was able to speak. He learned rather quickly, but not in a way to seem magical. They also wanted their son to be safe from thugs and bandits. He was rich, therefore a target. Around the age of 12 he was enrolled in fighting classes and weapon training. One day, not long before his fifteenth birthday, it started to snow during training. Jun was mesmerized by it. There was nothing about it that didn't fascinate him. The teachers tried getting him to pay attention, but nothing worked. They started ignoring him afterward and continued training for the other students. He had started flailing his arms around in it and the snow was actually moving with him. At first, it went unnoticed, but after a while one of the other students pointed it out. Well, not long everyone knew of it and Jun was put in even more classes taught by others in his mother's family for control over his magic. Everything went quite well with him until he was forced to be around anyone in general. When he wasn't being taught he loathed his teachers. He liked learning, he just didn't like the teachers. The other students that tried being his friend only wanted him for his money. His parents were always busy and he despised them for it. He started becoming so grumpy that it was impossible for him to make any friends and his family was drawing away from him. Jun left his home at the age of 18 to get away from everything at home. He wandered from different towns and got kicked out of several places for fighting with those that would leave him alone. After years of trying to learn more, he realized he couldn't with so many others around him. So, being the crabby man he is, he wanted to get far from people to focus on his studies. The mountains not only were the perfect place to study his ice magic, but also kept annoyances (i.e. people) from approaching him. The last eight years have been spent studying his magic, studying the monsters, and protecting the little home he made up in the mountains. His studies included taking ice from outside and seeing how long he could keep it frozen, manipulating snow as it was falling, shaping the ice, catching monsters to figure out how they worked, learning how to make clothing, and learning any property of ice that he could.
Combat experience:
He never actually fought much with people back when he was forced to be with them, but he did get in the occasional brawl because people he found annoying wouldn't leave him alone. He normally won these brawls because his opponent was inexperienced as to oppose to Jun who had lessons in many hand-to-hand fighting styles and weapon. Mainly swords, spears, and war-hammers. Now, in the mountains, he fights yetis that attack his house and any other monster that threatens him. He also "fights" blizzards when they come around.
Other:
Jun is quite exceptional when it comes to his ice magic. He can freeze water, but that is the only thing he can do with it. His ice abilities include causing small blizzards, making barriers of ice, shooting ice shards, and making weapons out of ice. He can take water from the air to freeze, but it takes much more time than using regular water and even more time than using ice itself.
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Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 12:11 am
Name:
Twitch Iggsly
Age:
38
Gender:
Male
Appearance: (in words)
Twitch is a young Armand (Mole person). He reaches to a squatty height of 3' 5" and is stout and heavy, weighing about 129 lbs. He is covered in thick, slicked down sienna fur, and has small beady black eyes coming well before the end of his pointy mole snout. His clothing is standard martial artist's gi of light green robes with white lining and dark gray wrap up wrist and ankle guards. Due to his habit of digging, his uniform is often frayed at the edges and dirty. He wears his belt tightly with a small pack in back at the waist for him to carry things. He loops his Nunchaku into his belt next to his pouch.
Personality:
Twitch is meek and easy going, often to the point of remaining shy and quiet. His voice is a bit shaky as to annotate his awkwardness, but when he does interact with people he is unusually polite even to those who are hostile to him. Despite his jitteryness, he can be quite calculating. More often than not he prefers to avoid conflict and is rather slow to anger when the situation isn't life threatening.
History:
Twitch was born in the hills of his homeland just north of the Lucresian lands. He was born to a single family of his parents, 4 brothers and 2 sisters. At a very young age he had become separated from his family members and found by a few monks at the monastery in the eastern mountains. He lived and worked there for almost seven years before being reunited with his family, however by personal decision he felt it best to remain at the monastery for some time longer. At the age of 30 he began to travel back and forth between the monastery and home. Living up to the age of 35 before he began traveling to see the world.
Combat experience:
In his monastery life, Twitch learned a form of martial art similar to a southern style of Wushu. Being that he is a naturally short and hardy creature, he took to the style well gaining a sturdy stance and powerful unarmed strikes. His mental stability is exceptional and his range chi control, while questionable in some cases is normally reliable. His chi has been most efficient in his unarmed strikes. He is fairly efficient with thrown weapons, but this is usually limited to small rocks he finds on the ground as he doesn't carry anything of the nature on his own.
Other:
As a monk, Twitch draws his latent abilities out through his training and mental focus. His chi becomes a powerful bastion of defense as well as a keen weapon. As an Armand, Twitch is hardier than burly people twice his size with significant stamina, however he is just as limited as other creatures his size in other respects such as lacking the overall physical strength of a larger being. He also retains many natural traits that Moles would carry such as animal like senses of smell, touch and hearing, and can be quite comfortable and capable in darkness and underground.
Lets see how he measures up. I'm a bit leery of the Mary Sue Litmus Test, it gave him a -2.
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Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:14 am
REVISED EDITION as of July 20th.
Name:
Fredrick Wilson
Age:
He is around 247, but had stopped physically aging when he was 46. At that time he would have appeared to be in his mid-thirties except for how thin he was at that time. ((He is old, but looks 36ish.)))
Gender:
I have boy parts.
Appearance:
Fredrick has small eyes, each containing a brown iris. His nose is a bit large and squished in appearance. His chin is rounded, but his jaw line is prominent. He has lost the gaunt look he had when he was still aging, but he is still a bit thin. It isn't obvious that he is thin, due to his large stature. He is muscular without having a body builder appearance. He stands at 6' 4" and weighs 173 lbs.
He is usually wearing a collared shirt and trousers, that fit in a way that he can move freely. On both hands he wears fingerless gloves with metal over the knuckles, and on the back and palm of the hand. His forearms each have a weapon strapped to them under the shirt, as well as is calves under his trousers.
Personality:
Fredrick doesn't go out of his way to expend effort, which even as an adult irritates his father. When escaping duties, if found, he will usually be playing a strategy game, or teaching children to play it. While he does still occasionally request a game with a family member, he usually seeks out guests and has a preference to regular visitors to the manor. He has a strong sense of hierarchy, and along with duty is surprisingly strict about it. Fred often uses relaxed parenting methods that upset his wife and father, but they have long since given up on expecting it to stop.
History:
Fred is part of the Wilson family, and therefore has always lived in Wilson Manor. He was raised to be a good heir to the Manor and its activities. The Manor is a place where wealthy vampire families vacation and gamble. They gamble on the battles of lowly vampires in a ring or pit. Being a good heir entails, not only being capable of managing the business from the desk to finances, but also to be capable of breaking up riots or other trouble amongst the fighters or guests. Trouble is most simply dealt with using force or sedatives, but diplomacy, especially when attending to unruly guests, is sometimes imperative.
Fred catered to guests and sat still for his studies when asked, but without instruction he would wander the manor grounds and be difficult to locate to request something of him. Growing up, his favorite pastime was playing strategy games with guests. Guests that returned every-so-often were his favorite because he could learn that person's style and counter it. Overall, he did well in his studies, apart form taking little interest in them.
Fredrick is now in charge of many aspects of the manor, but his father still oversees all activities. He has a wife, Patricia, and a daughter named Karianne. He hopes that one day his daughter will learn to sit still long enough to play a game of chess with her old man.
Combat experience:
A portion of his studies included some fighting techniques and quite a bit of muscle building. Strengthening his muscles before he stopped aging was important because once the aging process stops, so does the ability to grow muscle mass. It was mostly lean muscle, from repetition of labor chores and fighting practice. Another reason these skills were part of his lessons was that he would need to be able to sedate rowdy patrons and deal with the fighters if any problems were to arise. Apart from learning, his experience is almost entirely that of a bouncer and referee. It takes a lot more skill that those careers would usually need, but it is effectively just that.
Learning, or more directly his games, have taught him well and in practical ways. For instance, if he has a reason to not just play around with his opponent, he is very capable of devising a strategy that would destroy an opponent in any way he choose. If someone was cocky about chess skill, he would take out enough of the opponent's pieces to break and demoralize him or her to the extent that the opponent would forfeit. At the manor this is most useful for diplomacy, by exchanging the pieces for carefully chosen words learned from his tutors.
Other:
He's a vampire. For a description on how his 'type' works, click here. Fredrick is rarely without armored gloves, knifes, and a sedentary poison with something to inject it such as a dagger or syringe.
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Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 7:57 pm
Ah, three to review. XD
Don't worry I'll get to you guys soon.
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Posted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 10:13 pm
Name:
Isobel Ipsel
Age:
23
Gender:
Female
Appearance: (in words)
Isobel stands at a measly five foot three. She is a Leiy, which means her eyes are emerald green, just like everyone of her kind. However, unlike the general population, her hair is black and not silver, because her mother was an elf. Her hair, parted down the middle, reaches to middle of her back and is wavy, but not curly. Being a Leiy also means she possesses giant, retractable, dragon-like wings with a twelve foot span. When retracted they leave behind a scar on the inside of her shoulder blades. It hurts terribly to retract or extend them. The color of the wings varies based on the person. The boned, structural part of Isobel's are black, and the flimsy, delicate part is gray.
Her build is slender, and none too impressive. Leiy have never been known for their muscular strength; instead, they focus on intellectual and magical growth. Her weight is a bit more than someone of her height, one hundred and forty three pounds, but that is typical for her people. The wings add an additional twenty pounds. Her skin is fair, quite pale, actually. This comes from her mother's people. Elves are known for their fair skin. Her mother is also responsible for her defined cheekbones and slender, slightly pointed chin. At first, it may not make sense that both Leiy and Elves can breed, but it must be kept in mind that, along with Humans, they are all created from the same basic genomes. They are all humanoids.
To protect her torso, she wears black light armor forged from obsidian, which is abundant in her kingdom. To the elves of her world, it is a poison , but the Leiy in her blood created an immunity to it. Her pants are always black cotton with a brown utility belt attached. On the belt she wears the sheath for her combat knife and the holsters for both of her Twin .9mm Tauruses. Despite the weapons she carries, she prefers to use her hands and get up close. To cover her feet, she wears black combat boots issued by the kingdom military.
Personality:
Isobel is stubborn, demanding, and arrogant. She works toward her own goals and purposes and has little regard for others. Most of the time she is unwilling to compromise or negotiate. Her biggest concern is standing out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. She wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an "I don't care" attitude and pushes people away. It is not always intentionally that she pushes people away, but most are put off by her arrogance. Unfortunately, she does care what others think of her, and will try her best to be liked while still working hard at seeming indifferent.
She is self-centered, tends to take things personally, and is easily offended. She is close-minded, and it is hard to change her mind once it is made up, because she sees her way as the best way. Her stubbornness is her way of proving she is independent and in control of the situation. Nothing frightens her more than lack of control. When somethings happens to or around her she lets people believed it was only because she allowed it to. Inside, sometimes she wonders if she is ever truly in control of anything. To make her stubbornness worse, she is quite impatient. If something is not done the was she wants it to be when she wants it to be, someone is going to be on the receiving end of her wrath.
Loyalty has been instilled in her since a young age, and she does her best to stand by her friends. Isobel will fight for those she claims as family and friends, but it is rare that she lets anyone get that close. When she does make a friend it is usually for life. Even though she is known to hold grudges, it is rare that someone close to her would make her want to push them away. She prefers to surround herself with people who look up to her and respect her. Her followers are fairly submissive and almost always male. Isobel does not bode well with other females, and is likely to judge a woman harshly for just being a woman. Even though most of her close friends are male she does her best to avoid romance. Relationships are far too complicated for her, and almost never worth the time and effort invested in them.
Isobel can be ruthless when the need rises. Her fists don't always do the talking for her, but she won't hesitate to fight if she has to. Sometimes she lets her anger get the better of her, and she may start a fight that she didn't intend to. She is quick to anger, and is hard to settle down afterward. Anger practically radiates off her skin at almost all times. It's her anger that fuels everything she does. She's not sure where it stems from, but she feeds it constantly. Sometimes she hunts for reasons to be angry. Grudges are not foreign to her. If someone crosses her they should expect a lifetime of shunning.
History:
Isobel is the oldest child of the Leiy king. Her mother is an Elf. This is not traditionally done, and it took years before the citizens took to the idea. As Queen, her mother did her job well. In fact, when she was lost in a tragic strike from the Leiy's enemy that went, for some regrettable reason, under the radar, all mourned her passing. A national moment of silence was declared, and military enrollment spiked.
She has only one sibling, a younger brother. Despite being male, the first born male, he is not next in line for the throne. Instead, Isobel, being the first born child, is up for it. This has not damaged their relationship, however. The two are very close, and Isobel would die to protect him. When she takes the throne she is planning on appointing her brother Royal Adviser.
Since birth, Isobel has been put through rigorous training to prepare her to run a country and a military. She knows this is the most important thing she will ever do with her life, and is fully able and ready to do her job for her country. Still, sometimes she worries that she may not be good enough to be Queen. It has crossed her mind a few times to pass the throne onto her brother and just take charge of the military. She is far more comfortable training soldiers than she is being a politician.
Combat experience:
Isobel was assigned the task of training the new military enlistees. This was not an award as much as it was a way to prepare her for her Queenly duties. Later, after the throne is hers, it's planned for her to be appointed General and to take control of the entire military. For now, she reports to her Father, the king and current General.
When not occupied with training soldiers, Isobel spars with her father and other comrades. It is a requirement if she ever expects to be a proper queen for her people. She has been trained to use all sorts of military issue weaponry, including but not limited to, her combat knife and handguns. Despite the fact that her people commonly use their magic and long range weapons during combat, she prefers to get physical. It is far more personal to her that way. Even though it is not normal, her father has hired plenty of trainers to help her fight the way she wants.
Other:
Being Leiy, magic is a natural talent of Isobel's. She has the ability to harness the elements around her into orbs and hurl them at her enemy. This is strictly offensive. She uses it only when physical attacks do not work.
Also, with her wings, flight comes naturally to her. Of course, to extend her wings, she suffers for a moment. They work as a shield if she folds them in front of herself. There is a thin layer of magic around them that protects from most magical attacks and some physical. However, because obsidian is a weakness of the elves, and since it does not irritate her skin upon contact, it will do more damage to her wings. In fact, not only will it tear them, but it can break the magical barrier that protects them from most attacks.
Finally, Isobel is able to heal more quickly than most. However, this is only when the attack was done without magic or anything of the sort. If she is injured by magic, then she takes longer to heal than most. The healing also takes longer if the weapon used to harm her was forged with obsidian. This is not a natural weakness of the Leiy, but incorporated because of her Elven heritage. ~Edited June 21st based on constructive criticism received from LillianSaire and a friend not on Gaia~
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:39 am
Name:
Lerioc 'Leri' Dunlap
Age:
26
Gender:
Female
Appearance:
Lerioc stands at a height of five, eight. Her main style of clothing is a pair of dark red pants and a bandanna the same color. She looks more like a lizard than human in most cases. One of her eyes is a dull red with a white pupil while the other is reversed. The black around her eyes is natural while her skin is a light gray tint.
Personality:
Lerioc is outgoing, paranoid and a little bit too gullible. She has always watched out for those around her but will run if things get too out of hand.
History:
Lerioc was the only girl born to a couple of humans. She was around eight years of age when an invasive species of reptile had attacked her and her family. She was the only one to survive even though her DNA was being destroyed by the venom that was in her. Until she was fourteen she lived with a factory owner but soon put in a program that helped her live. She was in a test tube for four years before breaking loose.
From eighteen years to recent she's grown accustom to close combat and swordsmanship. She also learned the technology of the new residence and tried to fix most of the things there, each one backfiring after the next. Only a few was fixed all the way.
She still has major fears of the one that raised her in the factory since he put her in the tube but tries to keep it hidden every time she sees him.
Other:
Lerioc has the ability to manipulate shadows as she lived in her new residence. It's hard for her to do it when she, or someone else, isn't in really deep trouble. She needs a reason most of the time to gather enough power to control it. Using this ability she can hide from enemies.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 7:45 pm
Name:
Never knew his name. Though when people ask, he tells them the 'The Wanderer'.
Age:
24
Gender:
Male
Appearance: (in words)
6 foot 2 with short, messy, self-cut black hair. His eyes are an odd mix of turquoise and emerald green. Has a reasonable build, though he still looks quite skinny since he is rather tall. Quite tanned from constantly being outside in quite a warm climate. When not in armor, he wears plain black trousers, shirt and scarf. Yes it's not appropriate for the warm weather, but it's not that often that he's not in his armor either. His armor is made of a silver looking metal, covering his entire body like that of a knight, yet smoother and more fitted to his body. His helmet is a smooth curve over his face and has no visor.
Personality:
He's quite carefree in ways, he's very used to new and weird things happening. Hence why he takes everything in his stride even when he doesn't understand what's happening. On top of that he's very curious, meaning he will eventually understand whatever it is that he doesn't understand. Or at least he'll try. Again with his carefree and curious attitude he doesn't really fear social situations although he has very little experience in any. Though it is one of the few things he may give up on and come back to later.
History:
The first things he remembers in life were living with a family that had apparently found him as a baby out in the wastelands. This family lived in a very small village, seemingly in the middle of nowhere. They did give him a name, but he can't really remember it, and he doesn't enjoy trying to. When he was probably about 11 years of age, the village was raided by bandits. The only family he ever had were killed. For whatever reason the children of his age and younger were taken alive. After he managed to somewhat accidentally kill the bandit guarding him at the time with the man's own weapon. He ran into the wasteland on his own.
In short he learned to survive on his own. He travelled ever since then, but in no particular direction so it was more like wandering. Hence the name he gave himself. The only social interactions he had were the occasional villages, towns and cities he found. He built up his skills in fighting multitudes of different wild beasts and quite a few bandits and other criminals he stumbled upon. Whether or not it was him they were 'hassling'. He discovered many sources of knowledge in ancient ruins and modern libraries. He also studied the use of kara (magic, spirit energy, chi, life force etc.) in what he found withing the ruins and the currently standing cities. He built up his armor himself over quite a bit of time.
Combat experience:
Main combat experience is with the random beasts and creatures he discovers as he wanders the large world he lives in. The main human experience he has is with usually inexperienced criminals. Has only had a few encounters with reasonably skilled humans.
His weapons are two sleek, slightly curved blades, that are just a bit shorter than his legs in terms of length.
Other:
He has a very good control of kara. (Kara is very similar to spirit energy, or chakra for example.) His aura is the same colour as his eyes. He can manipulate it to make his blades pierce a little more, or use a few long ranged capabilities with it for example. He also knows a way to use it to temporarily increase his speed quite drastically. It's nothing excessive, it's just like an extra limb, but in the form of pure energy produced by his body.
On an extra note he can see pretty much perfectly out of his helmet even though there is no visor. He doesn't ever tell anyone the secret to how he does so either.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 7:49 pm
Hey guys, I'll be sure to get to these soon. There's only one more space in the test, but once it's filled the test won't begin immediately since I have some things I need to go back and change.
Anyways, that being said, I'll be sure to give all the critiques at least two days before I start the test.
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Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 9:53 pm
Revised version as of July 23rd.
Name:
Aldarian Dugosa
Age:
Roughly 800, but looks no older than 35
Gender:
He is male
Appearance: (in words)
Aldarian is an angel, with medium to long dirty blonde hair. He always wears it back out of his face. It is Straight with small hints of curls at the end. His light blue eyes are completely devoid of feeling. He has a small beard and a thin connecting mustache, which are both hardly visible. He is around 6'8", and weighs around 200 pounds. He has a well-built body, but definitely nowhere near the body of a body builder. He usually wears a black tank top and black skinny jeans when he is in public. He has no angel wings, because they were removed a long time ago.
Personality:
Aldarian is a very nice man. He is considerate of the people around him. At first glance, most people think he is a ruthless killing machine, but this is not the case. He can be deadly when he needs to be, but otherwise he is usually silent and friendly. Sometimes, he cares too much, risking his life for the sake of others.
History:
Hundreds of years ago, Aldarian was a peaceful man. He lived a quiet life. Most of his time was spent caring for his family and his home. But, his home was soon ravaged by raiders, and he and his family were murdered. Filled with anger and hatred, he swore to get revenge. He was sent to Heaven while, for reasons unknown, his family was sent to Hell. Aldarian nearly lost his sanity and will to live. Aldarian spent around three-hundred years in service of Heaven's army, slowly climbing through the ranks. Excelling in hand-to-hand and close-quarters combat, he was viewed as a model soldier, and one of the best of his generation. In time, he began to teach the new, up-and-coming soldiers, training them until they knew enough to survive.
One day, he accidentally killed a soldier in a sparring accident, earning him permanent banishment from Heaven and the loss of his wings. Now, a fallen "dark angel", he roams Earth searching for a purpose.
Combat experience:
Being a high ranking officer in heaven's army for such a long time has taught him many things. He is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat, and close-range melee weaponry. Also, he learned tactical maneuvers, such as how to blend into cover and how to set up an ambush.
Other:
His back is very sensitive from where his wings used to be.
He learned many different fighting styles in heaven, mostly just for hand-to-hand combat. He can not use modern weapons at all, but he is resourceful, and can make good use of his surroundings.
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:27 pm
Okay okay, I've been really bad so far, but this weekend is official critique weekend~ :3
If I don't see Inception again tonight then I'll critique tonight, otherwise I'll be able to do a lot tomorrow before work.
As for now, I'm just about to leave for work.
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Posted: Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:54 pm
Jessie my love Okay okay, I've been really bad so far, but this weekend is official critique weekend~ :3
If I don't see Inception again tonight then I'll critique tonight, otherwise I'll be able to do a lot tomorrow before work.
As for now, I'm just about to leave for work. OoooOOOo Is it that good?
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