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 Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2010 9:15 am
 Curse that male Taqa, he had once again managed to get under her skin. She just wanted to forget about him and everything he had ever said to her, but sadly she couldn't escape the memories of him - much like she couldn't escape the memories that had plagued her for years. That memory especially was one that needed to be conquered soon before it slowly ate her apart. Tawi knew that holding things in or even running away from things could start to affect you quite negatively after a while. She had known all that before she had ever met Taqa, but now that tore at her soul even more each day. Why did he have to say those things? Couldn't he have just let her walk past him like every other lion she had came across did, then she wouldn't be so bogged down by his words.
And yet, she was oddly grateful to him for causing her so much grief over the past few weeks. Their first meeting was long behind them and hadn't been much different than any other time she was forced to talk to a lion. But their last meeting, it had changed everything. Tawi had almost told him what was troubling her most, well that was until he said the wrong thing and send her running again. He had misunderstood what she was trying to tell him, albeit her details were horribly vague now that she thought about it.
Of course, she hadn't exactly intended to come back here. But now as her eyes settled upon the all too familiar she was cursing herself and Taqa too. But she was tired, so very tired of avoiding things, tired of the constant wandering and she was just tired. Pacing back and forth a bit near the border Tawi was trying to built up her courage to go and talk to Taqa and finally tell him what she had been holding inside her all these years. Eyes swept the lands as she continued to pace, looking for that familiar brown hide with it's green markings. "I can do it this time." She told herself as confidently as she could before taking her first steps towards the border that would bring her into his world once more.
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 7:22 pm
It weighed heavily on Taqa's mind - more than he would have liked to admit. She had been so close to telling him - something - so close. And yet. He knew he couldn't push things. They would come when it was time - everything would come with time, and he knew that. He trusted it, the inevitability of all things. It was just a matter of time.
Still, the waiting was rather painful, and there were times, such as these, when he could almost swear that Time itself was playing tricks on him, taunting him with the promise of something far off, distant, but still so near. And he hated it, but still he knew, it was part of the ebb and flow of all things that were and that would be, that same inevitability that infused all other things in the world, and it was just a matter of time.
Just as all living things on earth died when the time came, everything would fall into place when it was meant to be, whether it be a day, a month, or a year. It would come.
The young lion leaned against the rough bark of the tree under which he lay, sheltered from the heat of the sun. He closed his violet eyes, and lay, simply listening to the sound of the world at peace around him. The cawing of distant birds, the chirrup of insects hidden in the grass, the gentle rustle of the wind through the leaves and, far away, the call of a lion to its young and the answering chirp of playful cubs.
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Posted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:18 pm
The further into the prides territory she got the more Tawi was beginning to tell herself she was making a mistake. Why should she tell this young male one of her deepest darkest secrets? Because he had told her that he was his families secret keeper? The idea of that still made her give her head a good shake. Secrets were meant to be hidden from others, not shared, even if it was with a so called secret keeper. She hadn't gotten too far yet, if she wanted to there was a good chance she could be back out of the prides lands and on the run before anyone spotted her. But then she would still be stuck in the eternal struggle to outrun her past, and Tawi didn't wish for that to occur for the rest of her life.
Her pace slowed as she looked across the area, trying to spot that familiar brown coat with it's green markings. He wasn't here. How typical the one time she actually wanted to talk to him and he wasn't here. Just goes to show she was wasting her time yet again. Best to do what she had told him she would do last time they had spoke, and that was to walk out of his life forever and just forget that she ever met him. Turning slightly Tawi was on her way to leaving once more, for the last time, when something caught her eye by a tree not too far away. Paws carried her someone quickly towards the tree, though she was sure to keep them as silent as possible until she knew for sure. It was him, and something deep inside of her flickered with the first hint of happiness in many years. Coming to a stop a few feet away from Taqa she took in his relaxed body lying in the grass and closed eyes. "I hope you're not sleeping on the job." She jabbed at him, hoping it would be a good way to break the ice should he not be too happy to see her, though Tawi doubted that was the case.
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Posted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:49 am
The sound of Tawi's voice was an all-too-welcome disturbance in the faraway sounds of crickets and birds. His violet eyes snapped open even as she spoke, and he knew it was the brown lioness even before he saw her. "Well, I wouldn't say that," he said somberly, staring up at her from where he still lay. "It's part of my job description."
A smile spread across his face, and he rose, shaking the dust from his coat. "It's nice to see you're back," he added. "I was beginning to think I'd chased you off for good." But he hoped that would never be the case. There was nothing that would make him feel more guilty than if he had chased her off permanently - or anybody, for that matter. The idea that he could have such an effect on any creature was a disturbing one, and one that he hoped would remain simply an idea.
"I'm sorry about... the other time," he said after a moment's pause, thinking back to their last meeting. Although he had yet to figure out what it was that he had been meant to understand. "I didn't mean to make a mess out of what you were trying to say."
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Posted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:27 pm
A bit of a smirk crossed her maw. "Really? Part of your job description is to slack off and sleep?" The pack must be pretty lax if their guards slept on the job all the time. It's no wonder she so easily wandered in and out of their lands without ever being stopped. There were plenty of prides out there were if a rogue came even near the border they were all over it like vultures on an abandoned carcass.
Tawi tilted her head slightly, it was nice to see her back? Huffing slightly she took a step back as he got up. "I'm not that easy to chase away." After all Tawi wasn't the type of lion that let others push her around, if she wanted to go somewhere and you were in the way, she would shoulder her way through. It was true that she had ran off the last few times that they had spoke but not because he was chasing her off, no it was because their conversation seemed to get too close to that uncomfortable topic that she wished to avoid. Today however she would not allow that fear to take control of her, today she would stand her and tell him what she had been holding back the last time no matter how much it torn her apart inside.
Head shook slightly. "Don't be." It wasn't Taqa's fault that he hadn't understood her. Lowering herself down on her haunches within the shade of the tree Tawi was silent for a good long time while she thought. "I didn't exactly make it easy for you to understand what I was saying." Eyes moved to her paws, it was easier to talk about the uncomfortable things if she didn't need to look at whomever she was speaking to. "But I hope that today I can explain things a bit clearer." Tawi left it at that, she wanted to make sure he was ready to listen before she told him her story.
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Posted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:14 pm
"Just mine," Taqa replied with a wide, boyish grin as he raised himself to a sitting position, still glad to see her back. It was a good sign, in any case, and the thought that perhaps he had helped to bring about this moment was a joyful one. "I have a very unique position; it's one of a kind." Although honestly, now that he thought about it, staying more alert would be a good idea. That he had let Tawi pass through the pridelands so many times was testament to that - although he didn't regret that decision in the slightest. In any case, it wasn't like Tawi had been an assassin, sent to murder them all in their sleep. Quite the contrary.
He settled himself comfortably against the tree, listening intently. He remained silent, but fixed his violet eyes upon the lioness, much more alert now than he had been but moments earlier. He hoped, at that point, that she realized by now that he would always listen, if she but asked for him to, or if she but spoke. Because that was the beauty of being Qaletaqa; he could - and would - always be there to help others along, and to listen to their secrets and provide an outlet for whatever they were keeping buried inside.
It was in moments like these that he felt like he truly understood the world. Something about the trust that others could have in him was uplifting, and he would honor that trust with his life. He always had, and he always would.
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Posted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:07 pm
Chewing on her lip slightly Tawi tried to once again muster that courage that she so desperately needed for this. It was clear he was willing to sit and listen to whatever it was she had to say, saying it however was another matter. No one knew of her dark secret, except for her family, whom she had not seen in a very long time. Anyone she had previously met was always greeted by her rough exterior that she had once shown to Taqa. However unlike those other lions Taqa didn't seem put off by her gruffness and actually welcomed the challenge of putting up with her. It was his acceptance of who she was that allowed her to slowly become more comfortable around him, which in turn had lead up to today. Today, Tawi mentally told herself, was the day she stopped running and once again became the lion she truly was, the lion that had been buried deep down inside her for so many years.
"Well...I wasn't always like this..." She began her story and without even thinking about it was once again on her paws, pacing back and forth in front of him. Walking had been her way to avoid things and it was hard to give it up, but she allowed it this one last time, in hopes that it would give her the strength to say it all. "I was once normal, happy even. If I met a new lion I would welcome them not push them away and keep walking. My family was very close to me, we lived in a small pride that lays a very good distance away from here." How far away Tawi wasn't sure anymore, it had been so long since she had last been there she wasn't even sure if she could ever find her way back.
"I was closest with my sister, Tali. She and I were never seen far from each other and we loved to play games. Our favorite was hide and seek, and we were always trying to show the other up by finding better and better hiding spots." Eyes ticked to Taqa for a moment to ensure she still had her attention before continuing. Licking her lips, she brought her pacing to a stop for a moment, then as she began to speak once more her paws fell into motion again. "The area we lived in was very rocky, mountainous. Our parents always warned us not to go where it wasn't safe, but those areas just happened to be the best hiding spots. So one day, it was Tali's turn to hide..." Letting out a sigh she had to stop for a moment, it was hurting too much now and once again that fear and guilt was creeping up on her.
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Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 2:48 am
Ever, he felt her mounting anxiety. The way she paced, the brief glance, the pause and subsequent pacing that came immediately afterward... he could feel the air cloud with a certain nervousness that he knew was only to be expected. Never would he have thought that their first, brief meeting would one day come to this. Though he was unwilling to try to read the next phases of her story and could do nothing but listen and wait, he knew this was a momentous occasion indeed. Even if he had not spent so much time attempting to calm her urge to flee... even if he had never met her before in his life, he would have been able to tell how difficult this was proving to be, how much courage it required.
And he applauded her for it. More than that, even, though he had little idea how to properly express it. There was a respect for the tan lioness welling up within him, growing as she continued with her story. A sense of wonder at the fact that she had found fit to place her faith in him. Taqa had worked hard to achieve his goal, and now that it seemed he had, a thousand thoughts flitted through his mind, the bulk of which seemed to concern wondering if it was really happening. Had he really graduated from being simply his family's secret keeper? Was he worthy of being more?
Rarely did Taqa find himself to be worthy of much, but in this moment, as Tawi paused on the verge of revealing her secret, he thought he felt himself... grow. Step into the expectations that had been laid for him, both by himself and by her, and to inhabit the lion he had always thought he could be. He could do it - be the support she needed. Yes, he could.
"Whenever you're ready." He said softly, watching her. He would be there for as long as she needed, and that was that.
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Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 3:56 pm
It was almost unbearable. Why, why did she decide to do this? Her eyes glanced up at Taqa and it was then that she was reminded of why. Tawi had grown tired of running, tired of hiding and it was with Taqa's help that she would be able to cast aside her old ways and take on a more practical and normal life. There would be plenty of time to adjust, and certainly she would need that time but Tawi was taking the first major step today by telling Taqa the truth. His presence alone allowed her to have the confidence she needed to do this. And when she had paused because it was too hard he simply told her to continue whenever she was ready. That, that one simple sentence, meant the world to her.
Taking a deep breath Tawi continued her story. "...well...I had been bugging Tali about how poorly she hide herself. She could never find as good of hiding spots as I could." And clearly the reason for that was because unlike Tali Tawi was willing to take the risks and find the more dangerous places to hide. Until that fateful day of course. "She went where she should have gone, up on the rocks. There was good hiding there but..." Tawi shook her head, fighting back the pain. So desperately did she want to run now, to get away from the pain and memories but no, she forced herself to stay. "It wasn't safe where she went."
Her legs began to shake and Tawi was forced to flop onto her backside, she would finish the story while sitting down. "When...when I went to go look for her I couldn't find her in the normal places. I never once thought she would be so foolish to hide where she did. And so when I finally looked for her amongst the rocks...I found her perched atop one of the highest ones. There was barely enough room for her to stand there and..." Damn it, she could feel the tears stinging her eyes now. "her paws lot their hold when she went to come down after spotting me. I remember screaming as she fell, watching helplessly. She landed hard, and didn't move after that. I ran to go get our parents." She could see herself now, as if she were watching the whole thing over again, the way her sister tumbled, the sound her body made hitting the solid ground before. "The healer came with them, but there was nothing she could do. Tali had broke her back in the fall. I...I watched by sister as she suffered and died, all because I made fun of her. She should have never been on those rocks, had I kept my mouth shut it never would have happened and she would still be alive. It was my fault...my fault..."
It had been her fault, and that was why she had run away. "They told me it wasn't...but I knew. As soon as I could I left my home, trying to escape my guilt, my pain and my memories...I've been running ever since." Her eyes finally looked into Taqa's eyes. She had stopped running because of him, and though she wasn't sure if he understood the impact he had had on her life so far she hoped that one day she could show her appreciation to him...but not today, today would be filled with pain and understanding.
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Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 7:22 am
He simply sat watching, waiting. Waiting as her story gradually unfolded, waiting as she fought the urge to flee, waiting as she finished and the reasons behind her endless running became clear. There something haunting about Tawi's story, something strangely vivid that made him feel as though he could picture the very scenario. As though he could feel the same guilt and terrible sadness eating at him, as he was sure they had done to Tawi.
He didn't imagine that any of what he felt came close to Tawi's emotions - he couldn't. He hadn't lived her life, so anything he thought he knew about it was but a projection of his own imagination, and that wouldn't have been fair to her. He didn't propose to understand; he couldn't, and somehow, Taqa thought that doing so would have done nothing but undermine the traumatic experience she had had. But he had patience where he lacked understanding, and acceptance, and those, perhaps, could make up for some of it.
And ever, he watched her with that calm, unobtrusive stare, until her eyes lifted and made contact with his. "I won't tell you it wasn't your fault," he began, almost reassuringly. Surely, to tell her so when she so clearly believed the opposite would do only harm. "I wasn't there, so I can't possibly know. But what I do know... what I do know is that, at some point, you have to forgive yourself. I'm not saying it has to be today, or any day soon for that matter, but someday. Someday you'll learn to let it all go, and it'll be okay. It won't mean that you care any less, or feel less responsible, but at least then, you'll have punished yourself enough."
He took a breath. "It might hurt, Tawi, and maybe you'll even feel like running again before that day comes, but I'll still be here, okay? I'll be sitting here. That's a promise."
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Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:51 pm
For once, probably for the first time she felt at ease. Taqa did not say he understood what she was going through, what it had been like. That had been one of the major reasons she had never told anyone. Those of her family, who had been beside her when Tali died said they understood, but they had not seen her sister fall and feel that moment of sheer fear and helplessness. She appreciated that more than his patience in waiting for her to say what she needed to and his willingness to see her through this rough patch of her life. Even more important he wasn't saying it wasn't her fault. In her mind it was and it always would be her fault.
"Thank you...for listening." She finally managed to say after a long pause. It would not be easy, she knew that, and not for some time, but as Taqa said eventually the pain would go away, all she had to do was forgive herself. That would take time certainly but now, for the first ever, she was willing to wait it out.
Tawi let out a heavy breath. "I don't want to run anymore..." She didn't, but how could one give up something they had been doing for so long just because on one single conversation. Suddenly her ears perked forwards. Wait, did he just say what she thought he had. Yes, he certain had, she had heard the words clear as day but it had taken her a moment to realize it, for her mind to process them. "You would do that...for me?" To think he would wait, for as long as it took her to come to terms, it was an odd and welcoming thought. "Taqa...I...don't know what to say." Never before had she been shown the kindness that Taqa had showed her from their first visit up to today."
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Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 8:14 am
"That's what I'm here for," he said with a small smile. Doing this, listening and watching as her worries and her hurt seemed to lift from her shoulders, was as satisfying to him as it must have been for her. Knowing he had been right, knowing he hadn't thrown his time away as some might have thought... that meant more to him than any successful hunt. This was the job well done.
But even more than that, the power of the whole experience lay in the change that he had seen in Tawi since the first time they had met. The openness that had slowly come to her. It wasn't anything like the easy, trusting attitudes of the lions within the pride and she had a long way to go still. But that didn't make it any less special. Something in the lioness had turned around dramatically, and Taqa could say that he had had a hand in that. That alone was enough for the dark lion. He was a secret keeper, and here... here, his past-time had actually done some good in the world. Never have he thought to make such a great change in anybody's life, and it was dreamlike and surreal enough for him.
"You don't have to keep running," he said, nodding lightly. "That's the beauty of it. When you're ready, you stop." And he meant it both mentally and physically. One day, she would be strong enough to stop and face her past in a more spiritual way. But for today, she had done plenty.
"Of course," he smiled again. "I was ready to do it the first day we met, Tawi. I have been doing it - and I'll keep doing it." The truth of the matter was that Taqa himself wasn't quite sure why. He didn't know what it had been about this strange lioness that had drawn him to her and made him feel as though he ought to help, as though he could devote his life to helping her and be okay with it. It had just been a... feeling of sorts, one that he neither understood nor could account for. But it was there, and he knew enough to trust his instincts. They hadn't led him wrong.
/fin
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