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Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 12:37 am

"I am Sai, To surpass my brother and become the best!"
Hola. I am Saisho Silvain =D I'm your Psychic Elite Four Member and your friendly neighborhood Spider- wait... wrong speech.
Hi, I'm Saisho Silvain, I'm a frequent poster and Rper, (just not on here lol =P) My career is to be an English Teacher, to actually make money off my love of english instead of chasing my dream of being a novelist. =)
This is the beginning to my oldest running unfinished work: Moon Diary.
The Frozen flame of Johto!
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Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 12:39 am
The blood trembling howl screeched, it veins blew out like popcorn, it’s eyes curled back in it’s mind, Bloodlust, white eyes, Long misshapen limbs, a long pointed snout, angulated fangs curving in towards it’s trachea. Long claws matching the fangs sprouted forth, the screams continued, snapping twigs, deafening animals, bleeding ears. All fell silent, the soft wind whistling throughout the trees, blowing the fallen leaves, the sweet bright colours, nothing but gray in the night. A slight dripping, haste? Hunger? Regardless, the forest floor coated in it’s children’s blood and bones, the corpses of thousands lay still motionless, it’s pearl white teeth flavoured to crimson, barely seen through the darkness of the brush, the oncoming, was unavoidable.
“Bruce!” Angela shrieked at the sight of me in my freshly applied cast and new white bandages. Without even realizing how much it hurt she threw herself at me, with told my recently snapped bones and opens wounds to shock me. I let out a loud yelp, “Angela! Do you have any idea how much that fricking hurts?!” she pushed off of me instantly and stood to the side facing the ground. “ I was just so worried… you left without telling anyone and showed up like this? What was I supposed to do?” She let out her usual frown and winked at me, “Forgive me?” “Whatever, tell that to my broken bones,” I harshly spat out, vague memories began coating my mind like a swarm of bees to honey.
‘It’s so dark… This scent, what is it? It feels as if it’s calling to me.’ The dim light surrounding my vision was growing brighter, more things came into sight. A deer, wounded by a hunter earlier in the morning, must have been almost half a day ago. It’s leg split open by one arrow, It’s neck squirting out red from the other. My mouth watered. ‘This is what I’m lusting? This creatures blood will make this feeling disappear?’ I crouched, as if by instinct. I began to creep slowly through the bush until rushing in rapidly and tearing the flesh from the wounded, defenceless beast that lay before me. The red liquid slithered down my throat dripping down like poison. “More.” I heard quietly, a stern voice. I felt powerless against it, all night I slaughtered, Tearing them limb from limb, letting their blood slop from my tongue, staining my teeth red. ‘last one.’ I said in a low growl, chasing after the buck I’d just spotted, suddenly, the warm soil of the woods left me, cold, hard stone… ‘what is this light?’
“Bruce? BRUCE!” Angela’s scream shot through my memories like a bullet through a mirror. Light flooded the room around me, Angela’s tight grip on my arm seized in pain. “Angela? W-where am I?” that taste in my mouth, blood? We’re those really dreams or just illusions? I could barely feel the pain in my arm anymore, the blood oozing through the white bandages was steaming, Angela didn’t notice, she was too busy screaming at me. “Hey, HEY!! If your going to ask me questions at least listen, Jeez.” Angela huffed, and puffed, “Sometimes I wonder why I bother dealing with your idiocy!” She glared back at my eyes, a soft emerald green, “’Cause you love me, stupid.” I said back at her, “And I love you too, your just a little to clingy sometimes.” I pointed towards the nails now digging into my arm.
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Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 12:44 am
 Okay, critique coming up! ^.^
First though, I'd just like to point out that this might do better in the Creative forum. It really belongs there more than here.
As an introduction to a story, it's really eye catching. The vivid imagery, for example the colours against the gray sky, are wonderfully descriptive and smooth to read. One thing that's extremely strong throughout is your speech between the characters; it's effective and lively, not at all stunted or "unbelievable" as a conversation. That's not something that comes easily to a lot of writers =)
There are a few pointers, however.
First, I don't think you've done it intentionally, but if you go through that extract and just note how many times your mention or reference the word "blood", you might be surprised. I understand that it's supposed to be graphic, especially in the flashback/memory, but overuse of that makes it lose its effectiveness.
Also, your grammar. And punctuation, for that matter. As a writer, you've certainly got a great way of painting highly dramatic and vivid imagery, but I was so distracted by your "it's" I couldn't concentrate on that. I had to reread it instead. Basically, you just need go through and tidy things up; it'll be much easier to read afterwards.
Just one more thing for now; I don't think you should have such rapid switches between the present and the past. Obviously, flashbacks are really effective and yours is perfectly good, but there are only a few sentences between each switch. It left me feeling a bit disorientated by all the back-and-forthing. Instead, maybe you could connect the two flashbacks into one large paragraph (if they occur within the same event?) or maybe just expand your "present" sections a little to allow the reader to ground himself before throwing them into the past again.
Anywho, well done, dude! Looking forward to the next bit! =3

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Posted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 11:12 am

"I am Sai, To surpass my brother and become the best!"
O-o not as much attention as I'd hoped, but whatever =D
The Frozen flame of Johto!
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Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2010 3:20 am
Borderlands 1
‘It’s been almost 200 years, The Vault will open again. That woman, Steele, is going to do whatever she can to achieve this, all I can do is place my hopes in these heroes.’ The angelic voice echoed through space, emanating from the Hyperion-brand satellite. A static endowed video transmission played in segments of four on the small monitor.
“Yo, Marcus, How long is this bus ride?” Roland called forward to the rather obese-looking driver, “We’ve been on this thing for almost a day now.” Roland adjusted his goggles and tried to work on his Assault Rifle, a Dahl CR40 Combat, he glanced to his left to notice Lilith sleeping on the seat across from his own, she had gorgeous crimson hair, with pink highlights at the tips, and always adorned herself with a deep red lipstick. Brick hadn’t moved since we’d set off, he stayed at the back of the bus taking up the whole seat with just his arms, Roland wondered if his mother was a gorilla or something, Brick growled and Roland’s head snapped forward as quickly as it could. Mordecai was yet another strange fellow, he sat two seats ahead of Roland and spent the first three hours sharpening his knife, and the past fifteen juggling it. His red goggles hid his eyes and his mask coated his face with mystery, “Marcus, How much longer?!” Roland yelled once more. “Hold your horses, We’ll get there soon enough!” Marcus Kincaid yelled back as the bus smashed into a wild reptilian dog-like creature, a skag. The scorching sun and the endless sand and dust tore at our heroes very mind, yet Marcus just leaned back in his seat, whistling and humming like a lunatic. “Old Man, if you don’t shut up right now I’m gonna feed you my fist when we get off this bus.” Brick growled from the back seat, his fists clenching the upper bars for grip, “So hurry up.” “Yeah, seriously man, This is going to be a long ride if we don’t get there soon, so you might wanna speed things up a bit, if you get my point,” Mordecai, in an instant, had moved his knife under Marcus’ throat and set a glare towards his pudgy mouth, “Got it?” “Sure t-thing.” Marcus stuttered as the knife slid away . “Good.” Mordecai returned to his seat and looked out towards the large mountainous region they’d been driving through.
Marcus glanced out his shuttered window and a grin crossed his face, “Alright time to wake up back there!” a laugh escaped his chapped lips, “It’s a beautiful day, full of opportunity!”
Mordecai flipped his knife back into it’s sheath, Lilith Strutted her stuff towards the front of the bus, Roland stretched his arm out to grab hold of the back railing to lift himself up. Brick stood up, smacking his skull on the roof, cracking his neck he cursed the thing for being too low. “Next stop, Fyrestone Depot.”
“Don’t be alarmed, I need you to stay calm and don’t let on that anyone is talking to you, start making your way off the bus. You don’t have any reason to trust me, but I need you believe that I’m here to guide you, I’m here to help you find the Vault.”
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Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2010 3:24 am
Borderlands 2
“Welcome to Fyrestone! I am CL4P-TP, you may call me by my locally designated name ‘Claptrap!’ Before moving along please accept this ECHO communication device courtesy of the DAHL corporation.” The small box shaped robot announced as our heroes disembarked from the bus. “You’re quite the annoying little thing aren’t you?” Lilith kneeled down and placed her hand atop the robot, “You said we’re in Fyrestone?” Lilith stood up and turned to look at Roland and Brick, Mordecai had already ran off in search of spare cash and any guns left lying around. “Yes, We’re in Fyrestone, It’s said that the Vault is located somewhere near this area,” Roland replied as he adjusted his new headset, “This way we will all be able to communicate while we search, but the same rules will apply, we’re all competing against one another.”
Brick, Mordecai, Roland, Lilith and the Claptrap had began to make their way towards the marketplace of Fyrestone to enter the Arid Badlands, some bandits whom had been terrorizing the citizens of the small town were caught easily off guard by the amassed squad of bounty hunters. Claptrap had began talking about one of the well known members of the town, Dr. Zed. “I’d really appreciate it if any of you all could use some techno-know how to open up this door,” Zed requested politely, “I’d so it myself but the circuit is fried from this side.” “I’d be glad to help, Dr. Zed,” Roland replied as his knelt in front of a small electrical 9-Combo panel, “A simple, programmable 9-digit code could be ported to this panel in order for you to always have some access to open it.” “Uhh, yeah, thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” Dr. Zed had gelled back dark grey hair and the look of a mad man in his eyes, the blood on his apron and the surgical mask encasing his mouth seemed to add to his ridiculous insanity, “Hey, if you four wouldn’t mind, could you go get the power cell from that old broken down vending machine of mine just outside the gates?” “You’d better give us a discount, since we’re doing your dirty work, old man,” Mordecai said cynically as his glanced towards Zed. “I’ll be sure to give you all a very good deal on an energy shield, You might want to visit my friend T.K, just up the road from here.”
Beyond the slew of people met today, from the aging Marcus Kincaid, to the psychotic Dr. Zed, one could only assume this “T.K. Baha” would be no better, sadly this assumption was correct, “Hey there young’uns I’m T.K. Baha, so my buddy Zed says youse all is lookin’ for some work to earn some spare cash. Seems kinda odd though, three tough guys like yourselves and one defenseless little sweet-a** like that? Y’all have to be searchin’ for something.” T.K. was like a broken Speak and Spell, he literally never stopped talking, “Tell you what, if you take care of Nine-Toes for me and Zed, I’ll give you somethin’ real nice!” “Rrr,” Brick growled as the group marched off towards Skag Gully, a sub-section of the scarcely marked territory of the Arid Badlands, “Well if we’re here, Lets kick some a**."
Upon entering Skag Gully, Roland had noticed the obvious reason for the name of the area, a minimum of twenty skags began to emerge from their 'Skag Dens', a small hole dug into large quantities of stone in which the skags both breed and live. “Holy s**t, this looks like trouble guys,” Roland said as he threw out a rather large turret with a portable shield attachment, “but this isn’t anything for my Scorpio.” “Your turret is nothing compared to my Bloodwing,” Mordecai unleashed a bloody vulture onto the swarm of enemies, the bird tearing flesh from each one as it flew between the bullets of the Scorpio. “You two are so pathetic,” Lilith placed her plam to her face, “I mean really, depending on a weapon and a bird to fight these weaklings? Let a big girl show you how it’s done, okay?” Lilith pushed her breasts together and winked towards the two, now awestruck, males and blew a kiss as she disappeared in a shock-like nova and reappeared in the midst of battle with the oncoming legion. “She’s right! You two are weaklings! Fight like men, with your fists! GRRAAAAHH!” Brick rushed straight into battle, throwing his guns to the ground and slamming his gigantic ape fists into the skags. One by one the creatures fell to the onslaught of the Vault hunters.
After about four hours of battling skags non-stop the hunters dropped to the ground in exhaustion, “I think that’s the last of them,” Roland panted as sweat dripped down his face, blood coating his boots and the corpse of a skag pup still attached to his own knife, “I never want to go through something like that again.” “You might not want to look now then,” Brick snarled as four extremely large skags, with eyes that glowed like lightning, and armor that looked thicker then even Roland’s Lance armguards, “These things look pretty Badass.” “It’ll take at least another hour for me to regain my energy,” Lilith said as she rubbed her body along Brick’s rippling muscles, “Bricky-baby? Could you be a sweetie and kill those skags for me? I’ll be sure to pay you back for it later,” A sly smile and a wink escaped Lilith’s face, her breasts pushing up against Brick’s biceps and her soft lips touching his cheek. “If you don’t want to lose your head, then get the hell off of me.” Brick glared at Lilith as he shrugged her off, “You pussies may need a break but I am built out of stamina and strength! These creatures are nothing to me!” Brick roared as he slammed his fist through the first skag’s plated forehead, it’s brains and blood spraying across his arm as the second slammed into his ribcage, “Stupid dog!” Brick smashed his elbow into the second creature, though seemingly not as strong as his punch, the plated armor still cracked and caused the creature to lose consciousness. After quickly dispatching the third ‘Badass’ skag, Brick and his last opponent just stared at each other. This skag seemed different it was not white as the other had been, it’s colours reflected those of the Elder skags that he had fought earlier, on top of that a wooden leg was sticking out of the side of it’s plated forehead. “Get ready to eat my fist, you wimpy piece of s**t!” Brick charged towards the beast the exact second the creature had began charging towards him. Brick raised his fist to smash through this monster’s pathetic excuse for armor, Roland however had other plans, he rushed up to Brick, leapt off of his shoulder, grabbed hold of the wooden leg and tore the plate right off the skag while also giving it a gaping wound right under it’s left eye, “Lets go kick Nine-Toes’ a** guys. We don’t have all day.”
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Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2010 3:25 am
and what I have of Borderlands 3
Nine-Toes wasn’t as discrete as one would’ve thought for a bandit leader, his cave was large and outlined with scrap metal, the cave itself seemed more like the inside of a mine shaft, with several bandits doing routine shifts to fend off trespassers. “So, how do you guys think we should sneak through this?” Mordecai asked sarcastically, already knowing both Brick’s and his own answer, “Fight or hide?” “Personally I think we should try to sneak by,” the soft words echoed from Lilith’s lips, a new pistol strapped to her side, The Lady Finger, not the greatest, but it did the job. Lilith seemed to stumble more while inside the cave, “I’m sorry, I have no energy left, there is no way I’d be able to fight off that many bandits.” “Lilith is right guys, we’re all in horrible shape, I don’t think there is any way we could take on that many bandits alone,” Roland had decided to throw his two bits in, “It’s not like Dr.Zed can come check out our injuries while we invade the fortress of the man he asked us to kill.” Roland seemed more pessimistic then before, the thorough beating he’d taken from the skags had probably contributed towards his sudden lack of pride. The battle prior had taken a lot out of all of them, Lilith was on the verge of collapsing, Mordecai had been limping upon entering the tunnel as well as his Bloodwing’s fractured wing, even Brick seemed to be panting, “There is no chance we can fight our way through this.” “Feeling low? Buy an Insta-Health, and you won’t regret it!” Dr.Zed’s voice echoed throughout the cave, “I might not have a med-school degree, but when you get shot you‘ll be happy I‘m here.” “Is that a vending machine?” Roland’s disbelief echoed through the cave, the bandits turned towards the entrance, “s**t, guys doesn’t look like we have a choice, buy some of these, ‘Insta-Healths’ and lets kill these assholes.” Surprisingly the injectable health vials seemed to have an energy-boosting effect as well as an effect on the regenerative properties of human cells. The concept of these vials seemed to be far too complex to have been created by Dr. Zed. “Do you think these things are safe?” Lilith held one of the vials near her arm, “I mean, who puts a vending machine full of medicine in the middle of a bandit HQ?”
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