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Tags: Writing, Role Play, Stories, Poems, Fiction 

Reply The Library (Poetry Wing)
window into a woman -please read-

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this is the remake, what do you think
  i like it
  i do not like it
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The lost angel4

PostPosted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:38 pm


Window into a woman

Once a little girl,
Frolicking about her dreams.
Fearing nothing,
And loving all.

Until that day.
He bound her spirit.
Banned her from her dreams,
Stealing her innocence, clipping her wings

She tried to fight him, It was no use
For he was much to strong.
He loved her, then beat her,
leaving her broken and alone.

Lying there, through tears she asked
“Why? What have I done?”
Crimson liquid stained the floor.
“All he wanted I gave to him, but he took more.”

Her thoughts became cyclones.
As crawled across the floor,
Her solution became apparent.
“He will hurt me no more!”

Midnight blue bruises
Plagued her once perfect skin.
Emotions poured from her eyes
But no tears did she dare cry.

She had to,
“END THIS PAIN!”
The Voices from inside screeched,
The only decision, had finally been reached.

“Love is pain, pain is pain”
Revenge is… bittersweet?”
She did what she must do,
And shed one tear at his cold feet.


by Jamaican paradox
PostPosted: Thu May 06, 2010 9:31 am


I loved it.


She had to,
“END THIS PAIN!”
The Voices from inside screeched,
The only decision, had finally been reached.


This part didn't seem quite right but I loved it over all. :Huggles:

Kendra Rosewood

Greedy Bloodsucker


Beyond_Rain

PostPosted: Fri May 07, 2010 6:45 pm


It was a good read, even for it's length it kept moving.

Though, some lines didn't seem to flow when read, specially read aloud. For instance, "/For he was much to strong" the meaning and feeling you want to convey is there, but it's one of the lines that didn't seem to flow with the rest of the piece.

Also, towards the end, the exact happenings in the poem start to become harder to decipher. While we can still guess what is going on, as a reader, it slows us down trying to second guess what you wanted to convey. And that then means we start focusing a little less on your meaning, and the story you want to get across. So you may want to try and clean up exactly what is going on.

Even though, it was still a great read. I went through it three times and still wasn't bored. And the ending was slightly different than the one I imagined at first. But that's not a bad thing.
PostPosted: Sun May 09, 2010 5:05 pm


thank you so much for your comments! I think, toward the end i began focusing more on the rhyme than then wording. (always a mistake) I'm going to try my best to reword it. Again, thanks so much. (◕‿◕✿)

The lost angel4


Beyond_Rain

PostPosted: Sun May 09, 2010 9:26 pm


I can't remember the other poem, so, I couldn't compare the changes you have made. It is still a good poem. Though, when you change things up, it is some times a good idea to keep the old copy, especially if large changes where made.

And as a note: I have written a critique in the School forum, any comments would be welcomed and apperciated.
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The Library (Poetry Wing)

 
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