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 Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 3:06 pm
i don't know
what to feel anymore
if my happiness is just an illusion
for the darkness to seep through
or if the light is real
and not some twisted contortion
of the shadows, that is my soul
i don't know
if what I feel is real
if the broken fragment of dreams, that is my heart
are just breadcrumbs to lead me
or some demented torment of a trick
i don't know
how to feel
if everything that's supposed to bring me joy
only ends in the deception and depression, that is my life
or if the seams that make the fabric of my destiny
were torn apart so what I feel can cease to exist
i don't know
if the words i write
are messages for the masses
or a manifestation of the tiny part of the universe, that is me.
_imPeRFecTionSt_
(!jaz the spaz!)
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:04 am
Help with a title, or feedback on the piece in general, or both?
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:17 am
I like it. I wrote one kinda like this before but yours is better. I gives off a feeling of despair.
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Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 10:01 am
Overall, it feels forced, like you tried too hard for dark and gloomy. Some parts don't make a lot of sense, like the broken fragment of dreams, that is my heart . Is your heart made up of the fragments? I dunno. It's like hitting a speedbump when driving, an unnatural pause in the process.
Third line: Is it supposed to allusion or illusion? An allusion is a reference, often to another work or event in history. Wouldn't make much sense.
Seams do not make fabric. They join pieces of fabric together. May I suggest something like 'threads that make the tapestry' instead?
Now the last part is really good; most people don't bother to distinguish between stuff they wrote in midst of strong emotion (a 'manifestation') and an actual poem (a 'message for the masses').
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Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:44 pm
Elemental_Wolf Help with a title, or feedback on the piece in general, or both? both please! biggrin
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Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:45 pm
Kendra4313 I like it. I wrote one kinda like this before but yours is better. I gives off a feeling of despair. thnks! (i'd like to read yours. did u post it?)
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Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:49 pm
nbetweener Overall, it feels forced, like you tried too hard for dark and gloomy. Some parts don't make a lot of sense, like the broken fragment of dreams, that is my heart . Is your heart made up of the fragments? I dunno. It's like hitting a speedbump when driving, an unnatural pause in the process. Third line: Is it supposed to allusion or illusion? An allusion is a reference, often to another work or event in history. Wouldn't make much sense. Seams do not make fabric. They join pieces of fabric together. May I suggest something like 'threads that make the tapestry' instead? Now the last part is really good; most people don't bother to distinguish between stuff they wrote in midst of strong emotion (a 'manifestation') and an actual poem (a 'message for the masses'). thanks for ur suggestions....the allusion one...yeah its supposed to be illusion sweatdrop ...and yes my heart is broken in fragments. and the seams that join the fabric were torn apart....eh lol. and that last part is my fave too! (btw the dark adn gloomy? it kinda just came out like that, i NEVER force out poems, that's why most of mine don't rhyme (except the next one i will post (it kinda rhymes))...but anyhooo! thanks for the critque
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