If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.
Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't.
Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't.
So, to pick up and update and how everything with Shane moving went....
So, the 23rd, Ma dropped me off and I spent the day with Shane and Dillan, so it ended up not being just our day. Now, I don't exactly mind Dillan, and he did leave for a few hours that Shane and I got to ourselves when he had to go make up a quiz in his Alg class. And then he came back with a friend of mine I haven't seen in almost a year, and the four of us hung out until Dillan had to take me home. Wednesday was my sister's birthday so I didn't get to go over there, nor did I on Thursday. Friday morning, I did though. Now, since Tuesday was supposed to be OUR day, but didn't exactly end up that way, we were going to spend all day Friday together and I was going to spend the night Friday night. Well, Dillan gets this brilliant idea to make Friday night a guys night after Shane spends all day with me, and Shane starts to go for it. I tell him how disappointed I am, although I don't get all kinds of upset or anything, and he says he sorry, but of course at this point he's half asleep and just waking up, so he's not thinking a lot, either.
Well, we end up having to clean and do more stuff to get them ready to move out. For almost two and a half hours, I was cleaning his bathroom (getting rust and stuff off of the shower wall, hands and knees scrubbing his bathrooms floor....yeah, not fun). And he and Dillan are moving boxes and packing up and putting the boxes in the Penske truck they're using (I absolutely ******* hate Penske trucks now. -_- Not only cause they're yellow, but they're a reminder of all of this). Shane comes in there while I'm cleaning and I'm all melancholy looking and stuff and he asks me what's wrong and I just kinda shrug and tell him, "We're not exactly spending the day together, and I may have lost my last night with you... And I understand why both are important, you working and your guys cause you haven't seen them in weeks and you've seen me almost every day for the past two, so it's okay. I understand how important it is to you." Well, by now he's wide awake, so he just kind of picks me up and holds onto me and says, "Oh f***, I'm so sorry, Ashley, I completely didn't even think when Dillan brought it up to me." And he pulls back and looks at me all seriously and says, "We're going back to our original plan, okay? We're camping out in my backyard tonight. Allyssa and Dillan will be with us in a separate tent, cause they're almost as important to me as you are, but we're doing it, okay?" And then he kisses me and just walks out to go load up more. >_<
Well, about an hour later, after a couple more of our guy friends had gotten there to help them load up and stuff (and I'm still cleaning -_-), he's getting really annoyed. And it's the guys who're annoying him, cause he's already in a bad mood as it is and the majority of people annoy him severely (save the three of us - Dillan, Allyssa, and myself). So later on, he comes back into the bathroom, closes and lock the door behind him, and picks me up and holds onto me and just.....cries. And I just hold onto him and let him cry for a bit before I ask him what's wrong. And he just spills everything. That he still loves me more than he realised. That he doesn't even know why he broke up with me in the first place last year when he did. That he wishes he had more with me. That he's going to be leaving Dillan, his one and only like, TRUE brother, and he can't stand the thought of that. And that he's leaving Allyssa, the only person he's got so much in common with who's been able to help him through the things I couldn't cause I didn't understand them. And he just keeps repeating that he doesn't want to leave the three of us and he doesn't want to leave Jacksonville because it's the only place he's lived for more than a few months....he was here for three years, just about. And I can't do anything but cry with him and I hate it.
But I finally get him calmed down. I tell him he's doing it for Makya, and that makes it all worth it, and he'll be 18 soon, which means he'll get a car and a license down there, and he can get a job. Which means he can come back up here. So, he goes back out there and finishes helping them load up, while I finish up the bathroom and move stuff out of Makya's room.
Later Friday night, after our friends leave and it's just the four of us, we order out pizza and everything and eat in Shane's empty room. One of the hardest dinners I've ever had. I mean, yeah, we were all laughing and being fine eating our own whole pizzas and everything, but having to eat in his room with none of his stuff in there just....made it really hard to eat. When we're done, Allyssa and I stay in there and we have a long talk of our own while the boys set up the tents and the bonfire. They come and get us when they're done and we eat marshmallows and talk and everything and then we go to sleep for a few hours. Dillan and Shane wake up later and have a brother-talk of theirs until Dillan heads back in the tent, at which time I wake back up and sit with Shane outside by the fire. And we have our own talk and then I finally break. When I was done though, we looked up and the moon was like....an almost perfect full moon. Like, not completely, but it made it better not being completely full. So Shane pulls our sleeping bag out of our tent and lies it down by the fire directly under the moon. And we fall back asleep until Saturday morning when he had to wake up and they had to finish loading up the last of the stuff in the truck.
Allyssa and I watch Makya, Dillan and Shane load up, all the while Makya making comment like, "You should move with us" and "I'm really gonna miss you" to me, and then we just...leave. Dillan just takes Allyssa and I home. Just like that. Shane holds onto me for a couple of minute, Makya holds on for like five and cries saying she doesn't want me to go and she doesn't want to leave her home. I can't believe I didn't break down again there, but I couldn't let his mom and step-dad and Dillan or Allyssa see me like that. Though I was quiet the whole time home. The instant I was alone I broke down harder than the night before. And only for about five minutes. Then I had to cheer up and put on the happy face for my sister's birthday party cause I made a promise to be there...Ma told me I didn't have to be, but I promised her, so I did.
Sunday night they get into the house and settled and everything, and he calls me to let me know he's there and everyone's safe and everything. All I can choke out is, "That's good," and ask how Makya's doing. He ays she's fine and it's silent for a bit until I hear him starting to cry himself, which makes my tears get worse. We talked for a while and he went to bed exhausted, and so did I. He's called me every night this week and we talk for about an hour every night, one night almost two hours, and he tells me he loves me every night before we hang up. And since every night by the time he calls me Makya's asleep, when he calls me tomorrow, I'll finally get to talk to her...which I can't wait for, but I just don't want her to tell me she loves me right now. Cause I know she does, and I love her just as much as my own sister, but I don't think I'm ready to hear it from her again right now. Especially since Kayla's having her family birthday party tomorrow, and if she says that, all that means is I'll just have to paste on another happy face...and Idk if I can again when it's only been a week.
The bright side of all of this is, he'll be 18 soon and have a car and a license, and when he does, he's gonna get a job, and all the extra money he can spare will go to him coming back here. And my Step-Dad and sister have family about an hour away from where Shane is, and my Step-Dad said when they go down there over the summer, they'll bring me with them so I can go stay with Shane for a few days while they're down there. So I will get to see him before he comes back here. And it'll be without Dillan and Allyssa, so we'll finally have the one day to ourselves. And the place he is, Canyon Lake, is apparently beautiful, and their house is on the top of a mountain with a gorgeous view, and he wants to take me to see all of it, and I can't wait.
The terrible thing is, I woke up crying tonight, because my dream was just my memories of Friday night and I can't stop thinking that this time last week, I was with him. It hasn't even been a week since the last time I saw him or kissed him or we held each other, and it feels like it's been a month already. I know it'll get easier as we pour into a routine of just distracting ourselves by day and talking and sleeping at night, but I mean....if these kinds of night are to come, even if it' not often or once a week or two...how are we supposed to handle them without our families worrying? Neither of us can sleep much, or eat much cause both of us get the feeling we wanna gag when we do eat (which, with him it's kind of okay, since all they eat is junk food right now anyways; It's only a problem for me cause I've had just about no appetite for the past year or so, and I'm 91.5 pounds as it is - NOT exactly my best weight ever >_< ).
Idk....as Hattress said in her recent post about her problem "Things will work out. They might not work out how you planned them, or even how you want them to, but things WILL work out." And I agree with that, 100%. I just don't know how I'm gonna handle it for a while.
But at least I have talking to Makya tomorrow and a wedding in a couple of weeks, and seeing him over the summer to look forward to....It's just that summer's so far away, we both hate it....but it'll all work out. I just don't exactly think I've been the strongest person in the past and I kind of fear for myself is all. I don't like, get suicidal or anything, I just get really unhealthy tendencies and habits formed for a little while.
I know this is long, I apologise. But, I had to get this all out, and I know that's what this is here for. Thank you to all who read it, and I know if it seems like I'm over reacting a bit. I generally do, but I just miss all of them is all. I can't wait to see him over the summer, but just the fact that I get to see his mom and step-dad and sister makes it all ten times better. But thank you for taking the time to read and care. I love you all, and you're all amazing.
Alice
♥♥♥
And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be.
And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?
And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?
