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 Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 5:38 pm
Hey, I was just wondering if you guys could rate my skills. I was thinking of starting a story, but I don't know how good I am so....
And if you think it's bad, then can you at least give some advice on how to make it better?
Anyway, here goes:
Jakob rode down the street on his skateboard, the night sky above him peaceful. He felt the smooth sureness of his wheels and, despite himself, he smiled. He was on his way to his friend Angel's house. He pushed off again, trying to maintain his speed. He could feel the wind combing through his long hair and it felt good. He passed a couple of people walking and they yelled "C'mon let's see a kickflip!" or "Show us somethin' cool!" Jakob's smile widened to a full blown grin and he looked down at his board. He positioned his feel for a nollie, but when he popped the board, he gentlymoved his front foot in a half circle move. The board did a 180 spin beneath him and he landed, loving the feel of the gracefulness of the air beneath his feet. Jakob heard one of the kids scream, and looked up to see a pair of headlights. Then, nothing.
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Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 6:24 pm
If this is the story, then I assume it doesn't end yet.
As it stands, I would like to know why a few things are going on; it seems you threw us into something with no explanation. And why is he "smiling despite himself"? I think you meant "in spite of" instead of "despite", and why would his smile be in spite? Does he have a reason to be sad, but he's smiling anyway? Or what?
I'm an advanced person, so I'd like more description, but it's good as it is so far for the average person reading it.
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 7:01 am
I think that over all it's fairly good, and I do think you should try writing a story because practice is the best way to improve. There are a few word choices that I'm unsure about, "despite himself," as Willowed has pointed out, seems to be an ominous fortelling of what is about to come, but the problem is that he doesn't know that he's going to be hit by a car, so it's not really despite himself. Little things like that.
Also, as Willowed has said, we could use some more description. It would be nice to know where he lives, as in town or big city or something. This can be changed easily by describing his surroundings. It woud put us more in the setting.
However, I think you're quite good at what a writer I know calls "getting from here to there." you're movements are clear, understandable, and not boring. I have no interest in skateboarding, know nothing about it, but still understood what movements it took for him to do the 180 spin.
Anyway, I think with a few word changes and more description (which is really the type of think you have to work at to get good at. Practice, practice, some detailed critique, and some more practice!) this could be a very good paragraph.
So, yeah, do try writing a story
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