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Reply The Mind of a Poet: Arc's Library
The Fall of the Arisen

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Poetess Kaylee

PostPosted: Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:32 pm


Can we feel it, my brothers?
Closing around us, like many others.
A light's hope has finally been called.
We will be recounted for our sins, we will be appalled.
For many of the spiteful objections we did
For all of the emotions we had, we hid.
We will no longer be swept aside by this new lord.
Our cries, cannot be ignored.
As of now, my brothers, we fall.
The solemn fire we enthrall.
As we thought we were the arisen
Eternally trapped in this damned prison.
Countless dreams we conspired to live
Hoping to those we harmed, can forgive.
In the death of our hour
In honor, we have devour.
Hollowed bastards, are we not?
We claimed what was right without thought.
Damning the innocent in matters of need.
In darkness, we feed...
But before long, we will see.
( With our blind eye, for we.. )
As darkness before us... it will take me.
 
PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 12:41 pm


I'm impressed. I prefer this poem to some of the others you've submitted, mostly because the syntax makes it very reader friendly.

It's easy to get through and not intimidating to peruse a second or third time. That, and your sentece structure follows a far more grammatically correct pattern.

I notice in a lot of your work your sentence structure and word choice constices your message and makes it difficult to comprehend.

Excellent job here, the sentece structure, rhyme scheme, rhythm and repetion made it a pleasure to read.

Evermore Reality
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Poetess Kaylee

PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 12:43 pm


Evermore Reality

I notice in a lot of your work your sentence structure and word choice constices your message and makes it difficult to comprehend.


That is what my art is usually is. I tend to confuse people with my poetry, hopefully to let them think extraordinarily than other poems they might have read. Some may say its bad, others say its a way of expanding imagination.

Otherwise, thank you for your feedback.
PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 1:32 pm


Poet Arctarius Vortex
Evermore Reality

I notice in a lot of your work your sentence structure and word choice constices your message and makes it difficult to comprehend.


...to let them think extraordinarily than other poems they might have read. Some may say its bad, others say its a way of expanding imagination.



See, that's what I mean though. I think you're thinking I mean vague and artistic. I actually mean inefficient and sloppy. Your more vague imagery lets people expand their imaginations. Your "let them think extraordinarily than other poems" doesn't make sense and is just frustrating to try and translate into English.

I don't know if you do it on purpose or if you're just using big words incorrectly, but I recommend you check a dictionary from time to time to make sure a word actually means what your using it as.

(For example, you actually either mean think more extraordinarily or extraordinarily more in the above excerpt. People can't be made to think extraordinarily about a comparison.)

Evermore Reality
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The Mind of a Poet: Arc's Library

 
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