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 Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 8:33 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 6:32 pm
i'm an amature writer myself, actually. so this could be our writing forum. thats cool.
anyway. you have a good idea, and plot, somehow it just doesn't flow. you use alot of rhetoric. a bit too much. perhaps if you put in some "thought" monologue? also, one thing i have noticed is that the only neccesary difference between first and third person is choice of pronoun, and since this story has essentially one character, it might be something to consider. oh, and intros with fragmented sentances don't work too well.
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 8:32 am
Dude, this is the anything forum. Seriously, anything. And I was bored and no one was loving this poor sub-forum.
But thanks for the critique. I need to do some editting... And find out if it fits the theme for this year's school literary magazine, it's a good length for that.
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 12:07 pm
It's a nice story, and I do enjoy it, but I think the ending is lacking a little bit; it's not a bad ending, but it doesn't really seem realistic-personally I'd feel so guilty that I wouldn't be able to stand looking at something like that.
Great job, though!! ^^ I like your writing style!
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darkphoenix1247 Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 4:51 am
No one notices the new forum. I looked up this morning and it was like... have you ever read the book "The Green Futures of Tycho"? Well, it was like the egg. I'm all rubbing my eyes and wondering "Was that there before?"
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 7:53 am
Silverah No one notices the new forum. I looked up this morning and it was like... have you ever read the book "The Green Futures of Tycho"? Well, it was like the egg. I'm all rubbing my eyes and wondering "Was that there before?" Twas mentioned in my announcement, sweetie. rolleyes
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 8:20 am
You think I read that? Actually I looked at it right AFTER I noticed the subforum.
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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 7:51 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 5:35 am
I dunno, maybe the one of the top of the main forum? I should totally smack you for being so out of it.
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 9:49 am
Kiashana I dunno, maybe the one of the top of the main forum? I should totally smack you for being so out of it. ...whatever happened to being shomer neggia?
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Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 9:34 am
ouch!
well I can't visit the subforum because I'm not on enough and its an extra click
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Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 12:21 pm
ha i found the subforum lmao took me a while... gah my cat is sitting on my feet keeping my toes warm hee hee i'm happy
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Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 1:23 pm
ZonkotheSane Kiashana I dunno, maybe the one of the top of the main forum? I should totally smack you for being so out of it. ...whatever happened to being shomer neggia? I thought the whole Issur of shomer neggia was for boys only... basically because the problem with a guy toutching a girl that didnt do a tvayla causes the boy to transgress the prohibition of niddah... Was I wrong? sweatdrop
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Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 7:41 am
nathan_ngl ZonkotheSane Kiashana I dunno, maybe the one of the top of the main forum? I should totally smack you for being so out of it. ...whatever happened to being shomer neggia? I thought the whole Issur of shomer neggia was for boys only... basically because the problem with a guy toutching a girl that didnt do a tvayla causes the boy to transgress the prohibition of niddah... Was I wrong? sweatdrop Doesn't matter. I'm conservative. I have male friends. In fact, most of my closest friends are male. I hug my male friends. I hit my male friends when they are stupid. Zonko is no exception to my anger.
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Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 12:43 pm
Kiashana nathan_ngl ZonkotheSane Kiashana I dunno, maybe the one of the top of the main forum? I should totally smack you for being so out of it. ...whatever happened to being shomer neggia? I thought the whole Issur of shomer neggia was for boys only... basically because the problem with a guy toutching a girl that didnt do a tvayla causes the boy to transgress the prohibition of niddah... Was I wrong? sweatdrop Doesn't matter. I'm conservative. I have male friends. In fact, most of my closest friends are male. I hug my male friends. I hit my male friends when they are stupid. Zonko is no exception to my anger. Haha, okay smile . My 15 year old sister still hits me, and prides with the fact that I can't hit her back. She has no idea how mad it makes me scream ! It's not fair... rolleyes
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