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Preface

It was decided before I was born that I was going to be perfect. Perfect student, perfect athlete, perfect daughter. They said it took a lot of time to make me perfect, but the result was, as expected flawless. My skin has never burnt, I've never had a zit. My hair is agreeable and does whatever I want it to.

I was perfect.

Keyword: was.

It wasn't long before everything caught up on me.

"I can't stand that girl!" Ronnie hissed at her food.

"What was that, Veronica?" Her mother asked from the other side of the dining table.

Her voice echoed slightly off of the high ceiling as light flickered from the chandelier above. Shadows danced on the ceiling, but Ronnie paid no notice, her mind was stuck on other things.

One other thing. The lowest thing of low things to talk about.

Ashleigh Love.

Ever since grade school, Ronnie had stood in the enormous shadow of Ashleigh Love. A grade below, a lower GPA, less friends, less boys chasing her. And when it came to families in Middleton, Ronnie's family was number two when it came to financial security. Can you guess whose family is number one?

Ashleigh Love.

Ronnie stabbed her fork into her steak. "Nothing, mom, just thinking out loud." She imagined her steak was Little Miss Perfect, and instantly began cutting it into tiny little pieces. No more perfect face, no more perfect voice, no more Ashleigh Love.

“Oh, mom, there’s a party I’m going to tomorrow night. I’m going to be out late.”

Her mother nodded, “okay.” She said out of habit.

All her life she’d been standing in Ashleigh’s shadow, but things were about to change.

***

Veronica Walker wasted no time the next day in finding Chase and Gale, two boys who'd always fathomed of being with Ashleigh. "Make sure Ashleigh goes to Mariah's party tonight." She'd told them both. "It could be your last shot of ever getting with her. Besides, she told me last night all about how she's aching to see what a real man is like."

Their faces had twisted like puppies staring at the bones on the empty dishes. They were pathetic, unable to hide their... excitement - in Middleton High, who expected a boy to be different when it came to Ashleigh Love.

"Ashleigh!"

"Ash!"

The shouts came the moment the enemy entered those double entry doors. A grin snaked it's way onto Ronnie's face.

Her plan had set in motion.

Unravel

“This party is smoking!” Ronnie squealed as she squeezed my hand before letting it drop to hang casually by my side. She looked like a child whose parents were about to make all of her dreams come true. “Hey, Mariah! Catherine!” She stood on her toes and waved into the crowd, snaking away from me without a second thought.

I stood there, a little ways away from the door, and watched the people around me, searching for a familiar face. Already, the crowd had swallowed Ronnie - how had she been able to find her friends from here in the first place? Music pounded in my ears and pulsated through the floor and into my legs. I scanned the crowd to see if there was anyone I recognized – not a single soul. Throughout the entire crowd, I couldn’t recognize a single person – even Veronica had disappeared.

The scent of beer filled my nose and suddenly I felt the attention pressing on me. Several pairs of eyes found me among the crowd. All boys.

“Nathan? Nate Harold?” I’d known him since Jr. High, a tough California, model-type guy. He was rather attractive – if you were into the all looks and no brains kind of guy. A smirk crawled across his mouth as I whispered his name. “Oh wow. Okay, so I’m not a total stranger here!” I laughed uneasily. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me, like he was undressing me – not that there was really much to take off with Ronnie’s choice of clothing – with his eyes.

“Hey ‘Shleigh, lookin’ fine.” His voiced slurred. He stumbled forward and took my wrist in his hand.

“Don’t.” I said sharply. I made my point clear enough at school – why would he think it would change here? I wasn’t even hammered! I just barely arrived! But still, his arms found their way around my waist. “Knock it off, Nate.”

“Oh please, we know how much you want us. How you need us.” I pried his limbs off of me and pushed away from him.

Bile threatened to rise in my throat. “Excuse me? What did you just say?”

“You don’t need to play hard-to-get, anymore. We know all about your act.” The voice was warm against my ear and freaked me out.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I jerked around and treaded toward the door, leaving the boys behind. I wasn’t staying at this party whether Ronnie did or not. It was a bad idea to show up in the first place.

"Knock it off, would you?" The voice came from behind me, already a mumble among the party goers. I left the house through the front door, not bothering to find Ronnie. Let her have her fun, but this party gave me the creeps.

I paced down the drive, meandering through the seemingly endless rows of cars, searching for my own.

"There it is." I whispered

But when I approached the car, I found it was not mine for three reasons.

Reason one: The plates were different from that on mine.

Reason two: Two complete strangers were going at it in the back seat.

Reason three: I hadn't driven here - Ronnie had gotten us a ride with Chase and Gale. A fact I had completely forgotten.

I cursed under my breath, now I'd have to walk home. I'd done everything wrong - left my car home, my phone home, lost Ronnie in a crowd of complete strangers - why had I been invited to this party anyway? Ronnie, Chase, Gale, and I seemed to be the only ones from Middleton High anyway - and I hadn't even seen if the boys had got out of the car! They had still been sitting patiently when Ronnie and I got out of the car... Maybe they'd been smart and left after letting us out or something...

"Leaving so soon?"

The voice caught me by surprise. Self consciously, I reached for the ever-so-high hem of my dress, pulling it down about a centimeter or so. I quickened my pace down the drive, almost to the gate.

"Hey, where you going?" The voice was familiar, but I couldn't quite put a face to it.

A pair of footsteps fell quietly behind me, and against my first instinct, I turned around to confront my 'stalker'. They stood against the light behind them, masking their features with the night.

"Now that's what I'm talking about! Woo-ee, girl!" He called, only about ten feet standing between us. Behind him stood four other guys; each and every one of them looked as if they actually belonged inside the the party, each dark figure was tall with football stature.

"I've been waiting for this moment all my life." It was a different voice this time, a familiar voice that made my heart almost stop beating.

"Gale?" I hesitated, but stepped closer. They were set up almost like bowling pins; The one who had done all the speaking up until Gale's comment stood front and center, his teeth gleaming through a smirk. He'd graduated last year, I realized, and had hung out with Jonathan at our house at least a dozen times in the last year: Tony Andrews.

Gale and Chase stood behind him, and behind them, Nate Harold and an unfamiliar face.

"Waiting for what?" I snapped, a knee - jerk reaction. Tony took another step forward, then another and another until I could feel his breath on my face as he looked down on me and cupped my chin in his hand.

"Don't play coy with us - in that getup, you're practically begging us to notice you. And, you know what?" He paused as he moved his mouth next to my ear. "We have fully noticed you." He flicked his tongue across my ear as the others burst into laughter at my disgust.

"Is that so?" I asked, battering my lashes at him. His eyes went dumb and his jaw slacked then, and I knew that that was my chance to strike.

I jerked my knee as hard as I could between his legs. The dress rose higher on my thighs, but I was beyond caring. He let go of my face to shield his crotch as he cursed. I ran, harder than ever before.

My arms pumped furiously by my sides as I booked it down the ill lit street. I could hear Tony and the others at chase behind me - they were close. One wrong step and I was theirs.

Dear God, please don't let them get me! I have never wronged You or committed a crime - please, please, please! Don't let them get me!

The prayer circulated itself in my mind as it played over and over again.

"Get back here!" Tony screamed, and I knew that if I did, accidentally or by surrendering... If I did, nothing good would come of it.

My heart raced and my breath came in shallow as the tears rolled down my face. Goosebumps rose on my exposed skin and my hands began to shake. My right calve tensed violently and it was all I could do to hold back my scream of pain.

I bit my lip and peirced the skin, I had to focus all of my energy had to be put into running - running for my life.

The sidewalk became more and more overgrown the farther I ran. I couldn't risk falling, tripping over the overgrowth would result horribly. I leapt out into the road and continued running. My leg burned and my mouth was dry, my irregular. But my mind kept telling me to run. Just run.

The road lit up before me, bright. Panicked, I looked over my shoulder.

"They won." I whispered, amazed. It was the last thing I said before the car hit my side and I landed on the hood. Pain shook through me and my eyes drifted closed and my subconscious took over.

***

The world around me was a blur, but the ground was hard and the pain was real. Body after body climbed over of me, whispering, grunting, and moaning obscenities in my ear as they ignored my protests. My clothes lay in shreds by my side, leaving my vulnerable to the five pairs of eyes and the chill of the brisk night air.

"Stop." I whispered once more, even though all hope had long since vanished. He slapped me at the sound of my unwilling voice, But I didn't see him or any of the others any more. I looked past them to a far off place, a safe place. A place where none of these men could even touch me, ever lay their filthy hands on me again.

And then I realized as he pulled away from me and I was attacked by another:

No such place exists.

um lol a little long lol bt so totally worth it i loved every single word yo i just gts 1 ? lol is it all 2gether or diffrent parts cuz either way its outstanding i enjoyed rading it very much mrgreen

i really don't like stuff like this to be honest but this is really well written i will say, the sense of dread building up was very acute, the only things i could really suggest you improving on is maybe going more into the characters one way or another to provoke a more specific emotional response beyond simply the horror at what happens to Ashleigh. Just detail a few things, the relationship between Ashleigh and Ronnie, maybe more interaction to how Ashleigh is seen by the people at the school, just fleshing things out.

The only major issue i had was at the end when she gets hit by a car? and then what? was it the guys who ran her down? and it's just a little unbelievable that they would rape her in the middle of the street, but then again maybe it isn't, the setting isn't really given.

Like i mentioned before though stories with rape in them don't usually appeal to me and I don't really know much about the mentality that someone would have to be in to commit such a crime, the fact that she was being chased however and was then hit by a car and raped repeatedly doesn't quite match up with the next scene of her sitting in the car at school. it doesn't say that this was after some time or anything, and you usually don't just walk away from being hit by a car, even without being gang raped.

well written over all though, just run the editing iron over it and maybe flesh it out a bit more.




DB15

Agreed. I honestly thought it was leading up to her getting scarred or disabled from being hit by the car. Gang-rape? Was not quite out of the blue, but didn't make any sense. It's like you just threw it in there because rape is oh-so-tragic a thing to happen. A topic like that should be handled with great care by any author, because it's such a touchy subject and is so damaging to the victims on so many levels.

One thing does bother me though, I was kinda put off by the abrupt closing. I understand it's a work in progress, but I'd like to see more!