Welcome to Gaia! ::

In the Name of the Moon!

Back to Guilds

A Sailor Moon based B/C shop! Come join us! 

Tags: Sailor, Moon, Scouts, Breedables, Senshi 

Reply Application Quests
[q] Cavalier Aeris of the Mountain [critz, plz!]

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

wuthering gee

Fanatical Loiterer

PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:50 pm


.:. Cavalier Aeris of the Mountain .:.


Cavalier: Aeris

Name: Dennis Dimitrius Angelo

Nicknames: He wouldn't stand for any

Age: 20

Birthday: May 2nd

Sign: Taurus

Blood Type: o-

Fav. Food: It is beneath him to be so selective (he has a preference for chocolate, though)

Hated Food: See the above (he doesn't like spicy foods)

School: Sovereign Heights

Hobbies:

Meditation -- "This was Gran's idea. She thinks it would be good for me to learn how to do this properly, and encourages me to practice. She says it will help me relax, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It would be nice to not worry so much, but I think that Gran does enough relaxing for the both of us. She bullies me to try at least once everyday, and I am slowly getting better at it. I couldn't say if its really helping or not, yet, though. I suppose that only time will tell."

Tracking, fishing, trapping-- "My father owns a cabin on the lake. That is where I spent most of my childhood, before I moved to the city to live with Gran and finish school. When I was young and innocent, as children often are, there was nothing I loved better than learning these particular skills from my father and wandering the woods with him. I have always been a gifted tracker, and am very proud of this fact. Trapping is no longer something I practice, unless I intend to skin the animal and eat it later, and I really think that fishing is a gambler's sport. My luck is poor. I like visiting my father, very much, and I've found that its much easier to relax at the cabin than it is in the city. This is better for my soul than Gran's meditation. It makes me feel like a kid again."

Looking after his grandmother-- "Gran is an old, stubborn old crone and I love her to death. She's still mostly capable of looking after herself, and gets out of bed earlier than anyone else I know. I've lived with her since I started school in the city, and she spent years looking after me. She recently fell in the shower, however, and broke her hip. She walks with a cane now, and father and I wouldn't dream of sending her to a resort, so I stay in the city with her and make sure she has what she needs. We go grocery shopping together and Mrs. Taylor and Mrs. Krazinski come over every friday to play scrabble. I've currently got the highest score."

Gemstone: Sapphire

VIRTUES

On the ball--Meticulous, attentive and observant, Dennis has the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox. Clever and always on his toes, with an answer for almost every question and a solution to almost every problem, Dennis is the ultimate go-to guy. His first aid kit is always stocked to the max, and he never runs out of kleenex. His laundry is always folded. The cap is always on his toothpaste tube.

Strong-- Hard-headed and stubborn, with a devoted and loyal spirit, Dennis is as impenetrable (and sometimes, unreachable) as a rock. He is not susceptible to peer pressure, and is very independent. Always responsible and absolutely protective, no goldfish has ever perished under his watchful eye. He is unwavering and completely dedicated in everything that he does, and is capable of overlooking his own well-being in the face of things he considers to be of higher priority.

Compassionate-- Bighearted and sensitive, Dennis can never turn away from a creature in need; whether they be man, beast, or kitten. It is his loftiest ambition to change the world, for the better, and there's always a place in his heart for someone who needs looking after. Understanding, he practically sees it as his duty to be that proverbial shoulder to cry on, and believes whole-heartedly in second chances.

Romantic-- While Dennis would like to consider himself more of a fighter than a lover, the opposite is true. He is a tender and passionate idealist who falls in love easily and on a day to day basis. He believes in the possibility of soul mates and, when he's not too busy with his other responsibilities, spends a great deal of time keeping his eyes peeled for 'the one.' She is an elusive lady, and he is a dreamer. If he were to describe his type, he would say; "I'd like an intelligent girl with a good head on her shoulders. Somebody who can look after herself." While he thinks that may be true, he actually tends to fall head-over-heels for the silly damsel in distress. He also likes boobs, but is very prudish about his ogling tendencies. "What are you talking about? My eyes have been up here the whole time! How dare you suggest otherwise!"

FLAWS

Deceptively Indifferent -- Obstinate and proud, Dennis has higher expectations of himself than he has of other people. A pusher and a protector, It is nearly impossible for him to accept defeat. He takes it severely personally and, when beaten, turns the consequences inwards, on himself. This makes him insecure and inspires feelings on inadequacy, which are uncool. A young man who tries so very hard to be perfect, but is afraid of his own weaknesses, Dennis has a tendency to act too casually, and can come off as heartless, when the opposite is true.

Dramatic-- A man who takes on a lot of responsibility and occasionally suffers the consequences of sleep-deprivation, Dennis tends to blow things out of proportion. He works very hard to keep his temper and emotions under control, but is unfortunately human, and prone to the occasional dramatic outburst when overwhelmed. Generally, he performs well under pressure, but even Dennis has his limits. At which point his brick-wall of strength and faith comes tumbling down and he wants nothing more than to curl up into a ball and sleep until its all over. Dennis knows this about himself, and is very ashamed. The irony is that its usually only his fault, because he pushes himself too far and expects more of himself than he'd ever ask of anyone else.

Defensive-- Prickly, secretive and vague, Dennis likes private things private and will have a miniature heart-attack if any of his most furiously kept secrets are revealed. He's a serious prude with attitude, and does not like being touched. "This is my bubble. You are welcome to stand outside of it, but if your bubble gets too close to my bubble and I don't want you to violate my space (cough) I am going to flinch away and, quite possibly, slap you." It takes a lot for him to open up, but once a body has proven themselves trustworthy, Dennis has a tendency to share all of himself. When a friend breaks that trust, Dennis is left utterly shattered. This is only exception to his 'everybody deserves a second chance' rule. That is to say, its predictable when other people do stupid things to each other, but absolutely unthinkable for people to do stupid things to him. He is careful about who lets care about him for a reason, you know!

Weight of the world-- Dennis finds it difficult to accept that he isn't much more than human, and works too hard to keep the things that make him so hidden. He takes on too many responsibilities, too many duties and considers the fate of the world a personal crusade. He wants so badly for the world to be good and perfect and right, and is later devastated when it can't be. Uptight, prone to exhaustion and pessimism, Dennis hasn't yet figured out how to sit back and relax. A zealous activist, he doesn't believe in non-participation.

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

Hair: Dark chocolate coloured hair, short and untidy

Eyes: Forest green, big and round

Face: Oval. Masculine, sharp features. wide mouth. freckles

Body: Strong, athletic. Masculine. Mesomorphic. TALL.

Fashion: (working on this)

Challenge: ???

Fuku Color: navy blue

Weapon: ???
PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:53 pm


The Mountain


[under construction]

wuthering gee

Fanatical Loiterer


wuthering gee

Fanatical Loiterer

PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 pm


Family


[under construction]
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 5:17 pm


Okay, to start off with: AWWWWW I <3 DENNIS!

*cough* Now that that's out of the way. Crit!

When it comes to character design, obviously, I am approving. I liked how you turned the hobbies into first-person reflections from the character, and through them managed to communicate details about his past and present situations. All in all, reading through this character, I thought that he was well put-together and believable. The one area that I identified as lacking is mention of his goals and aspirations, plans for the future. We know that he's going to Sovereign Heights, for example, but what's to come after that? Is he a sports kid, or does he have a field of study he enjoys? Does he even know what he wants to do yet? It seems like his plans might tie into his grandmother's needs, so that might be a good forum to discuss them in - go into how he plans to take care of her once he's done at Sovereign Heights, or some such thing.

That's it for overview! Now for details....

My first question is a rather trivial one: What's his middle name? If we're going to get an initial, we might as well know what it really is - otherwise we're just going to be asking questions that are unanswerable throughout his profile.

Another trivial bit: The capitalization/non-capitalization in this piece is driving me bonkers. You have things capitalized following double-dashes, but not a colon, and there's no grammatical reason for that. With colons, there are a couple rules defining whether or not to capitalize the following word, but when the bit prior to the colon is a name or title (as in a script or, as we see here, the name of a trait), you always capitalize the first letter of the following word. Minor quibble, like I said, but it'll make things look much nicer than when some things were getting capitalized and others weren't.

Hobby-wise, I think that... well okay. I am totally blinded by how adorable Dennis is on these. :c It's sort of unfair. I'd like to see a bit more detail in some places, though, and admittedly - though I do love it being there - I don't fully feel that Looking After His Grandmother is a hobby just yet.

Focusing on that bit for now: Although it is certainly an activity that he takes part in, the way that the hobby is set up make it seem like more of an aspiration or a determination, less of an actual activity. However, it is telling of the character and certainly serves a purpose regarding his use of time, so I think that it should be reworded so that it fits, rather than removed. What I might suggest is to change that one around to specifically quote some activities they do together - maybe they have a weekly date, Thursday at 6, to play cards together? - so that it better fits into that section.

On a similar note, Trying to Find True Love needs development. What differentiates this from a passive desire, and puts it into the hobby section? If he isn't scouring online dating sites or taking action to scour through the girls of Destiny City, this would be better removed from the hobby list and instead incorporated into his Romantic virtue.

AND AGAIN ON A SIMILAR NOTE... Giving Advice is difficult to frame as a hobby. I know that characters have had counseling hobbies, or worked teen phone lines, but the same as the True Love hobby - if Dennis is not actively pursuing it in some manner, it probably belongs somewhere else.

To the virtues~

After reading it through, I feel that Faithful is presenting as a virtue with misleading connotations. It seems less like he does things out of loyalty, as you mentioned, but as a way of living up to the standards he's set for himself - which isn't actually being faithful, merely stubborn. It actually almost makes me think that this should be split into two traits, so that you're delivering a clear message in each one. You might even be able to siphon off that rationale of standards and abhorring weakness into Strong, where it would make for less conflict than it does when used to support the Faithful claim like it is.

Although on that part, we have a direct contradiction to deal with. In Faithful, you say that he "often overlooks his own well-being;" but in Strong, you claim he "is always responsible and takes care of himself." One of these statements has to give, clearly, or else a nuance added to explain that he tries to take care of himself, or he is capable of overlooking his own well-being, but doesn't routinely do it.

Compassionate seems fine - Romantic, I'd like to see more details in. What sort of people does he tend to fall for? Are they the same kinds of people that he thinks might be "the one"? Does he enter every relationship positive that he's found his one true love, or does he consider them quick romances to fill the time? How does this tie into his other traits; does he have a bad habit of falling for girls that earn his Compassion, maybe? Is it a deal-breaker if they start getting too close to his secrets? There's a lot that you can develop, RP-wise, with a trait like this, so take the time to set up the context for it.

Onto flaws, now!

Nitpick: "He takes it severely personally, and, when beaten, turns the consequences inwards, on himself." Too many commas! Try: "He takes it severely personally and, when beaten, turns the consequences inward on himself."

I'd also like to see more consequences discussed for Holier Than Thou, because it seems like it's just barely been touched. How does this trait affect his interactions with people, and how might it affect things in RP - especially with the other Cavaliers? This isn't a trait that usually just gets turned on in defeat, but is constantly coloring a character's perspective of others - try developing that angle a little more.

I like the Dramatic trait - it pairs nicely with Weight of the World, and I think it works well to balance out some of the virtues you've given him. I also really like Defensive, though I'd like to know more detail - under what circumstances is it okay for someone to know a secret about him? Can friendships be uprooted on the basis of their having one teensy bit too much information, or is it all right, so long as they keep it private? How does he handle other people's secrets, knowing how careful he is with his own?

And that looks like everything! When you get a chance, definitely work on filling out some information about him as a Cavalier, and why he is suited for the one you are putting him up for - I can see some strong reasons why already, but your take (and how well you communicate it) may wind up being very important in competition. Really, I love Dennis as a character (and if you get him, I totally want RP with Robin - I can see some interesting interactions between those two!), and I think you've got a great thing going on. Just keep pushing at it until it's as close to perfect as you can get it!

Arrien


wuthering gee

Fanatical Loiterer

PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 6:32 pm


wow, thank you very much Arri. You've given me a lot to tackle and think about, the next time I get a chance to tweak this. heart
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:58 pm


changed some things~

wuthering gee

Fanatical Loiterer

Reply
Application Quests

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum