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Grayson was out of sorts for a lot of reasons. They were all the same reasons that he'd been out of sorts for days, but that didn't stop them from continuing to plague him. Perhaps the worst part was that he didn't deal with them, which was standard fare for Grayson; if he didn't have to, he didn't. He pushed his problems aside, to the back, underneath the bed until they festered and grew beyond proportions that he could control. If he was lucky, they simply went away.

He was rarely lucky.

He found himself tired and aching, because he wasn't sleeping very much, and when he was, it was fitful. His dreams only made sense half the time, and the ones that didn't were getting increasingly colder, more disturbing. More alone. As a person, Grayson liked his solitude, but he didn't like this. He felt detached, severed from what he loved and knew, and he woke feeling hollow and restless.

The circles under his eyes were growing larger, and his muscles were sore from lack of proper rest. It was his own fault, but there wasn't much he could do about that. On top of everything, he'd taken Ignacio in, and now at home, he had someone else to focus on. Another reason to pretend his problems weren't important, to assure himself that he would take care of them in their time. He was enabling himself, and he was powerless to stop it.

He hadn't wanted to patrol. That was another problem; he was forever doing things he didn't want to do. Why? Because Jude had asked him to. He was ashamed of himself even as he realized it, but there was something about his fellow Zodiac that made him nearly impossible for Grayson to resist. He could have just let Magellan and Sagittarius patrol, could have easily stayed in bed and tried to get the sleep his body so desperately needed. But what if something happened?

What if something like last time happened? He wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

There were a lot of things he already couldn't forgive himself for. Adding more to that seemed unwise, in the face of everything else.

So he'd gone out with them, but he'd been quiet. Sagittarius was quiet too, and Magellan seemed intent on moving forward with her plan. Leo winced at her question, could have told her there were any number of ways she could have phrased that better, but he didn't have the chance. Sagittarius was already stomping off, almost like he'd just been waiting for a reason to leave, and Leo had grabbed her arm. Held her back.

"Just let him," he'd said wearily, and she'd actually complied for once.

They'd gone down another street, given Sagittarius some time and space. Leo had been able to see the jungle, had worried; Magellan had worried too. By the time they'd found the edges of it, the jungle had fallen away and Sagittarius had emerged, alive but wet.

Wet.

This time, Leo's heart didn't stop. It didn't even really stutter. He was weary, bone-deep weary, and he was worried. He was also stressed, but he could handle stress. He may not have liked to see Sagittarius look like he'd just crawled his way out of a lake, but he put up with a lot of things for Jude.

Sometimes, he thought he might put up with too much.

"You're wet."

Magellan glanced between them, but didn't say anything.

Leo frowned. "Why are you wet, Sagittarius?"

Just like that, they were Leo and Sagittarius. He didn't often feel the distinction between them, certainly not at this angle; he was more likely to look at his fellow Zodiac and see the man below the henshin than not. He had connections to Jude that Leo didn't have to Sagittarius, as strange as it seemed to say. Perhaps they weren't particularly strong, but they were limping along, and they were important to him. Sagittarius was important to Leo, too, as a comrade, an ally, someone he respected and loved in the most sincere and platonic of ways. He was important.

Jude was more important.

Because he was more important, it was unsettling to Grayson to be looking into a face he felt was as familiar as his own and see someone else. Aggressive and angry, with a wicked temper in his eyes and a set to his mouth that almost begged for a fight. Leo wasn't up for a fight, didn't even think he should be patrolling, truth be told. His joints were stiff, his arms felt leaden, and he had a dull headache that had persisted for days. If he could just sleep, he told himself, things would right themselves once more.

It was a testament to how bad the lie was that even he realized he was just making excuses.

Unconsciously, he stepped in front of Magellan, his own body language not threatening, but certainly not submissive. His shoes clicked against the pavement, muted in the calm of the night, and he brought a hand up to his chest, ran it along the edge of his jacket. He wasn't impressed.

I fought near the water. As though that was an acceptable excuse, given that Sagittarius couldn't swim.

You got a problem with that? He did, actually. He had a problem with Sagittarius risking his life, putting himself into danger for no reason that he could see other than to test fate.

He had a problem with someone he cared about being so reckless with himself when he was so precious to him.

Did he say this? No.

He dropped his hand, and he murmured, "Why are you doing this?"

He'd lost his temper on Jude before. He'd been ashamed, embarrassed, had regretted it. No matter how frayed his patience was, he couldn't let himself lose it again. There was surely an explanation. There was always an explanation.

He just had to wait to hear it.

Patience was a beautiful thing. Patience was something he had in abundance, something he had cultivated over the years, something he prided himself on. He had a lot of patience for those he loved, less for those he merely liked, but plenty to go around all the same. Despite that, he didn't have a lot of patience for Jude at just that moment.

Jude, Sagittarius. The lines were blurring a little, and was he really to blame? He would blame himself regardless, he knew. If Jude was pointing fingers every which way, Grayson kept one drilled in his own chest, pressing so hard that he bruised. When he had no more explanations, no more reasons, he turned on himself, finding fault within and explaining all the ways that others hurt him by deciding that it had been his fault after all.

He provoked Jude. He rushed Uranophane. He shied away from Ignacio, he hid things from Elke. He avoided the Zodiacs, he lied to his parents. The common factor in all of the equations was him, and surely that said something. And yet, he wasn't nearly as reckless as Jude.

He'd killed himself once, that was undeniable. He felt a guilt and a terror so profound that he couldn't acknowledge it, wouldn't, unless it was thrust in his face. Unless he was forced to, as when Jude asked about Barren Pines, and he explained.

He'd had a nightmare that night, about guns and cold rooms. He'd woken up in a cold sweat, and he hadn't been able to sleep for hours afterward. He didn't blame Jude; how could he? He was the one who wasn't handling things, who was drifting along pretending everything was all right when it wasn't. His problems weren't so large, or wouldn't be, if he would only deal with them.

But he didn't. Instead, he focused on others, as he was focusing on Sagittarius now.

"Princess Chronos has brought us back, Jude." Did he have to remind him, again and again? Jude had been dead and buried. If any of them were proof of the miracle that had come from Barren Pines, it was Jude.

He tilted his head, just slightly, and there was an undercurrent of accusation in his voice. It was most unlike Leo. "Unless, of course, you aren't referring to Barren Pines." He'd forgotten Magellan was there. "Are you thinking of testing your theory, Jude?"

His tone was so light for so serious a topic.

Well.

This was the man who had shot himself point blank. He supposed he had a right to be casual with the topic of suicide.

Grayson actually laughed.

It wasn't cheerful, and it wasn't anything like his usual laugh -- but then, Grayson didn't laugh often, did he? He smiled. It seemed like he was constantly smiling. But how often did he laugh? He couldn't remember the last time he'd really laughed, and he wondered if he ever had in front of any of the Zodiacs. Certainly not in front of Jude, as before they'd been on hesitant, limping terms and now they were on strained, limping terms. The reason?

Was there even really a reason? One that could be pinpointed? Probably not. They volleyed between tense altercations and relaxing on a couch together, misunderstanding every second word out of one another's mouths and being comfortable enough to share a meal with family.

It was enough to make anyone's head spin.

"Captain Aries." His laughter had subsided, and he placed his hands lightly on his hips. "Do you mean to say that the only thing holding you here is Captain Aries?"

He was holding his breath and he didn't even realize it.

What kind of fool indeed?

Grayson lifted a hand, removed his mask. The face underneath was haggard and drawn, and he shifted his weight to his right leg, hip swinging with the motion as he did. It was funny in the way that it was pathetically sad that Jude was pining after Hero and Grayson was pining after Jude. At least Sagittarius' host had been given a choice, an opportunity. At least he'd enjoyed, for a time, the feeling of having the one he cared for in his arms, knowing that even if his feelings weren't fully reciprocated, there was something there. Grayson held no illusions about himself, knew full well the futility of what he felt.

And yet, he couldn't stop it. Couldn't stop the feeling, wouldn't have if he could. If it made him a fool to care, he would die a fool. Caring was as much a part of him as his own name, sometimes to his own detriment.

So, he pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes. "You're impossible. You sank that ship, Sagittarius." He didn't seem to realize he'd called him Jude earlier. "If you love her, and she loves you, there's nothing lost that you can't find again. Nothing that you can't bring back."

Not if you want it badly enough.

Had he been the one to push her away? Grayson couldn't even recall if he knew that for certain. Did Jude want her badly enough? It seemed that way. And yet, there he was, pushing away his happiness with both hands.

It reminded him of someone.

His head was ringing, and he was looking up, dazed. His mask had clattered out of his hand and fallen to the side, his tailbone sang with pain from where it'd slammed into the ground. His legs were sprawled before him crookedly, further evidence that even if he'd seen it coming, he hadn't reacted properly to it. He braced himself on either side with his palms, hands cold through the gloves, and simply looked up mutely.

This wasn't Jude, and it wasn't Sagittarius. Not any that he knew; there was no one he recognized in those eyes. It should have frightened him, but he didn't have the sense to be frightened. He simply brought one hand up, touched the already angry red mark on his face.

"You love Captain Aries." He knew. It hurt, and not just for himself. It hurt because he saw how much it destroyed Jude to love her, when love should have been something beautiful. "I don't know what it means to love the Captain, no. Not like you do."

His expression pinched, and he didn't bother trying to jerk away from Sagittarius' grip. "But I understand what it means to love someone, damn it."

Despite being so tired, his eyes flashed. "Unselfishly love someone."

A low blow. It was a night for them.

He was too tired to keep his henshin, too tired to keep trying. It fell away effortlessly, leaving Grayson on the ground with Jude leaning over him, Grayson touching his cheek as though he still couldn't quite believe the blow. He was quiet, like he usually was, right before something terrible or something wonderful. He moved nearly boneless with Jude's shaking, not even putting up a resistance.

Maybe he didn't know what that was like. Maybe he'd never met someone he loved so much he would be able to push them away for their own sake. Maybe he never would; maybe he would spend the rest of his life pining after people who were just out of his reach simply because they were out of his reach. Simply because it was safe that way, and he would never be hurt by them if he never opened himself to the opportunity.

He would just hurt himself. And wasn't that better?

Wasn't it better to know that what he felt was his own doing, not someone else's? Giving another person the power to take his happiness and guard it or break it was something he wasn't quite brave enough for. Jude was braver than he was, but he was also much, much more foolish.

No one in love ever wanted someone doing what was best for them.

"How do you know what I feel?" He was so quiet, so startlingly quiet in the face of Jude's booming temper. And yet, his voice shook a little. "You have no idea who I love, or how much I love them."

When had he decided he loved someone?

"You have no idea, Jude." Contempt was obvious in his face, masking the hurt that was churning deep inside. "You have no damn idea what it means to love someone quietly, to love someone silently in spite of themselves."

To never burden them with a love they wouldn't want, couldn't return. To be honest, Grayson didn't know the full extent of this either; his own silence was as much for Jude as it was for him, as much cowardice as it was uncertainty.

Did he even love Jude?

The answers weren't coming to him.