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 Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:36 pm
No, this isn't one of those "I-have-a-friend-but-it's-actually-me-I-just-don't-want-to-admit-it" threads. This is actually about my friend.
Anywho, I have a friend who is pregnant. She's about 8 weeks along. She's 14, and her boyfriend is 15. She plans on keeping the child.
I don't understand WHAT possessed her to get pregnant. I'm not even sure if it was accidental or not. I just...
Why??? What makes people have this mindset, especially younger teenagers, that having a child is all fun and games, and that they'll be able to live normal, everyday lives, as if nothing happened?
Edit: Update.
She had the baby during December break, a month premature. Her name is Sophia Lillian (she has her mother's last name). She stayed in a hospital in a city on a respirator for about 2 months. She was then moved to our local hospital, then finally released. My friend is fine. She is currently being homeschooled until next year. Her parents are fully supportive of her, and are going to happily take care of Sophia while my friend goes to school. The only rule set in that household throughout that whole ordeal is that her boyfriend isn't allowed to be at the house when no one is home anymore. Yea. As if that will be enforced. Honestly, that house is about the last place I'd want to live. Her parents both smoke ALL the time. Her father is basically a chain smoker. Hardly a place for a baby to be raised.
The father has gotten in trouble with the police before, but not since Sophia has been born. The kid is trouble. So far, he's stuck with her, but I really don't know how long that will last.
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Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:21 pm
Oh boy. I think your friend is going to be in for a huge wake-up call when the baby is crying at 3am because it's hungry. She really doesn't know what's she's getting into, does she?
If she's intent on having the baby, I wish she would at least give it up for adoption. Most 14 year olds are not ready to raise children, and she'll have a heck of time trying to finish school as well.
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Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 11:33 pm
She needs to tell her parents if they don't already know, and then her parents can take her to see a doctor and/or an OB-GYN. She needs pre-natal care asap for the sake of her health, and the health of her unborn child.
She's not a kid anymore. She played an adult "game", and has to deal with the consequences now, as does her boyfriend. Tell her to shape up and start being mature and responsible. She can take her parents with her to the doctor if she wants to, but either way, she needs to see a medical professional about her pregnancy. They can also help her decide whether or not to get an abortion, give the child up for adoption, or keep it.
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Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 7:59 am
hermione_granger919 Why??? What makes people have this mindset, especially younger teenagers, that having a child is all fun and games, and that they'll be able to live normal, everyday lives, as if nothing happened?
It's beat into females heads to be perfect mothers and babies will fill a nonexistant "hole" in our lives.
Maybe you should talk to her and help her realize that it isn't milk and cookies. However, you probably cannot change her mind about carrying the pregnancy to term and keeping it.
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Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:08 am
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Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 5:10 am
Oof there was a 16 year old in my High School who got pregnant (the father was 14-years-old).
I asked her why she wanted to keep the baby. "Omg, why wouldn't I? Babies are liek sooooo cute!"
And exactly as someone else said, she was convinced that having a child would fill up a "hole" in her life. She was adopted and felt a lot of pain because of that and she thought that having a family of her own would somehow "fix" that pain.
She had all these dreams, too. It was so sad. The father was going to stop doing drugs and they would be great parents, yadda yadda. Five months into the pregnancy, the father relapsed and went to rehab, never to be seen again (when he finally came out, he moved in with some friends across the country). Her parents ended up legally adopting the baby shortly after he was born because she just couldn't take care of it (ironic, in a way).
My point is that she looked to having a child as something that would "fix" all her problems. It would make her boyfriend shape up, it would stop her feeling the pain of having been adopted, and, of course, it would be a littly dolly to love her unconditionally.
So many people have this idea. How many couples have kids as an attempt to save the marriage?
Anyways, I really don't know what to say. You can try to talk to her, explain that babies aren't toys. You can go to parenting classes with her, etc... Unfortunatly, there isn't all that much more you can do. Ultimately (and, perhaps, all better judgement), the choice is hers. There's a point at which you just have to step back and let people make their own mistakes. Just.. make sure the baby is safe.
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Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 7:48 pm
That sort of mindset isn't exclusive to 'kids' sadly sad A lot of married couples have problems and think a baby will help. I've had a lot of friends who, when their parents divorced, were told 'we stayed together for you kids!' and replied 'Why!?'
stare
Sometimes you just wonder.
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Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 7:58 pm
Yes, sadly sometimes babies are born with jobs in mind for them and it's not fair to them to have to 'fix' a problem like a shakey marriage.
As for teens, I'm really not sure. Part of it is that idea of filling a void, usually love I think. Because the idea is that a baby is going to love you no matter what unconditionally. Part of me is more cynical though and thinks some girls just get off on the idea of having a living breathing doll to carry around as an accessory. They don't really understand the responsibility that goes along with a child and that you can't go out a party and do things you'd usually do after the baby is born and just dump them on your parents.
So to sum it up...lack of being able to fully understand the consequences and what they mean? [Recent studies are suggesting that portion of the brain doesn't fully finish developing until the early 20's now.]
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 5:34 pm
Pirate Dirge Part of me is more cynical though and thinks some girls just get off on the idea of having a living breathing doll to carry around as an accessory. They don't really understand the responsibility that goes along with a child and that you can't go out a party and do things you'd usually do after the baby is born and just dump them on your parents. Actually, this sounds a lot like the way people treat their animal companions ("pets") as well. Which is even worse, because babies eventually do grow up and tell us that we were wrong, but pets can never tell us we were wrong, and they don't go to school and learn that they have rights, and most people don't go to jail for killing or abusing or neglecting pets, so there's no system of punishment/discipline for the culprits. The point, of course, is that human beings in general keep on proving that they don't give a good sweet damn about the living beings within their care. VERY few people should be parents, whatever their age. The younger your friend is, the less likely she is to be a good parent, and to wind up with a child who makes decisions just as bad as her own.
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Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 9:30 pm
Quote: VERY few people should be parents, whatever their age. I am sorry Divash but I found this rather insulting to myself and other parents I know on here who devote our lives completly to the wefare of our children. Also age has nothing to do with being a good parent I have known 16 year olds who are better parents than 25 year olds, it is all about your choices.
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Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 7:23 am
wotfan Quote: VERY few people should be parents, whatever their age. I am sorry Divash but I found this rather insulting to myself and other parents I know on here who devote our lives completly to the wefare of our children. Also age has nothing to do with being a good parent I have known 16 year olds who are better parents than 25 year olds, it is all about your choices. Looking at ALL parents that have always lived in parenthood and in all areas, I am inclined to agree with Wotfan. I think it's true that 50% or more parents simply do not make the right choices (though, as you say, this is regardless of age). Many parents may start out in the way Wotfan described, but very quickly realize that this is an actual life and not an extension or doll for the mother. I don't count these parents because, while they may start off "badly," they are, on the whole, good parents (usually). And I certainly agree with wotfan about pets. We treat our pets as members of the household to the extent that we can. We give them as much freedom as we can (as long as it doesn't put them in danger). However, I see so many families adopting animals and then just throwing them out as soon as they realize that having an animal actually has responsibilities. We even took in one of our cats because her first parents said she doesn't "cuddle enough." So they were taking her to be put down. She was only a kitten (about 4 months old!) and they were going to kill her because they didn't feel she satisfied THEIR needs. Aghem, sorry for the off-topic. I feel rather strongly about animals sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 8:52 am
Kukushka wotfan Quote: VERY few people should be parents, whatever their age. I am sorry Divash but I found this rather insulting to myself and other parents I know on here who devote our lives completly to the wefare of our children. Also age has nothing to do with being a good parent I have known 16 year olds who are better parents than 25 year olds, it is all about your choices. Looking at ALL parents that have always lived in parenthood and in all areas, I am inclined to agree with Wotfan. I think it's true that 50% or more parents simply do not make the right choices (though, as you say, this is regardless of age). Many parents may start out in the way Wotfan described, but very quickly realize that this is an actual life and not an extension or doll for the mother. I don't count these parents because, while they may start off "badly," they are, on the whole, good parents (usually). And I certainly agree with wotfan about pets. We treat our pets as members of the household to the extent that we can. We give them as much freedom as we can (as long as it doesn't put them in danger). However, I see so many families adopting animals and then just throwing them out as soon as they realize that having an animal actually has responsibilities. We even took in one of our cats because her first parents said she doesn't "cuddle enough." So they were taking her to be put down. She was only a kitten (about 4 months old!) and they were going to kill her because they didn't feel she satisfied THEIR needs. Aghem, sorry for the off-topic. I feel rather strongly about animals sweatdrop I feel strongly about the animal thing too I have an aunt who adopted a puppy then gave her back to my grandma (the breeder) because she was to noisy and demanding. Its wierd how differant people are in a family my dad (her brother) raised me and my brother in a zoo. we had a rodent and a bird each we had a dog and a cat we had a couple more of those over the years and we had a lizard and then they had birds. I still own the first dog we ever adopted when I was 6 she is almost 16 and in good shape to.
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Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 10:34 am
I can see how Divash's comment may be seen as insulting, but you actually seem to agree yourself (saying that some younger parents are better than some older ones). The essence is somewhat accurate: There are a lot of screwed up parents out there, making screwed up kids. 'very few' people should be parents? Well, that's a qualitative statement. She didn't say 50% of parents should be parents, or 25% or 10% or what have you. Divash said 'whatever their age' and certainly that's accurate. Age is no assurance you'll be a better parent. Are there a lot of screwed up people being parents who have no business being parents? Hell yes. Is that number higher or lower than that of people who are good parents? Couldn't tell you. Quote: VERY few people should be parents, whatever their age. Should that comment be insulting to the good parents? No. It should be insulting to the people who abuse (mentally or physically), neglect, mistreat, torment and otherwise screw over their own children. And that's really as it should be. Maybe if she'd said 'very few people I've met...' would be better, but if you are a good parent, then you should realize how disturbingly rare that is sad Wish it wasn't, but I can't name more than 5 kids I grew up with who had a stellar parent (Love you Dad!).
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Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 12:23 pm
Just talk to her about it and tell her that having a child isn't fun it is very hard work
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Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 12:38 pm
wotfan I feel strongly about the animal thing too I have an aunt who adopted a puppy then gave her back to my grandma (the breeder) because she was to noisy and demanding. Its wierd how differant people are in a family my dad (her brother) raised me and my brother in a zoo. we had a rodent and a bird each we had a dog and a cat we had a couple more of those over the years and we had a lizard and then they had birds. I still own the first dog we ever adopted when I was 6 she is almost 16 and in good shape to. I really do hate when people do that. I consider adopting a pet to be the same as adopting the child. And, certainly, when you choose to take a pet into your family, you should be taking on all the responsibilities to keep it healthy and happy that you would be taking if you adopted a human child. A lot of people should adopt plants instead of pets, I think. I also agree with Ipstenu. That comment was clearly against BAD parents, not parents in general. So anyone who is good to their children has absolutly nothing to be worried about.
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