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 Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:12 am
Okay, so I'm positively terrified when it comes to posting my stuff on the Writer's Forum. I don't mind criticism but there's some downright jerks in there! So I thought I'd post what I have written up here. This is just the prologue. Its taking place in the modern time in the main character's perspective. The first chapter will actually take you back and start explaining the whole story.
I'd like opinions on this concept. Do you like prologues taking place in the present and have the first chapter take you back? Does that draw your interest at all? How do you normally like the introductions? Do you like them with lots of action? Or do you like it to slowly take you through the story?
Another thing I seem to have a problem with. And this has happened many times when I write a story. I seem to create a "info dump." As what the people in Writer's Forum have called it. I put so much information into the prologue or first chapter that I kinda ruin the whole story. So I want to know if I've already done it to this story? Should I make the journal entry a little shorter and more vague?
And lastly but not least. Grammar. I am asking you to point out my grammar mistakes. Sometimes when I write and ideas are pouring out I tend to forget about grammar and just pour myself into the story. And no matter how many times I read it I just can't seem to find the mistakes. Specifically look for sentence fragments. I seem to really love those.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:14 am
Prologue An African American woman in her early twenties sits in the middle of an apartment. Furniture and broken glass is scattered about the room. An assortment of faded newspapers rest on the floor. Some of the titles are left intact. Things like "Hills on Fire!" or "Rabid Animals! Lock your doors!" or "Cultists Prophesied a New Way of Life!" are spread across the musty pages. Every sound-- a creak of the door, a whisper of the wind through the boards on the windows-- her eyes snap to attention; her arm twitches. Just inches away from her is a gun, safety turned off and ready for use. Fumbling with a small bundle of papers, she places them on the floor in between the spread of her legs. She turns to a blank page and begins to write. Her hand shakes as bumpy letters and words begin to form on the page. The only light: a small ray of hopeless sun, peering through the window's boards. A few tears roll off her cheek, carving blurry lines in the ink. Wiping her eyes, she presses on. I don't know how much time I have left. Everyone I know is dead. They got my friends... my boyfriend, and John. I watched them attack men, women, and children.
I'm now running low on supplies.
I'll have to go out and get what I can find to survive. I doubt I'll be able to come back here to this apartment building. The smell seems to draw them. They're evolving more and more each day. They get stronger and more resistant. A simple bullet will only stall them temporarily.
I have a pretty big handgun, but it's not very effective. It takes a couple of bullets in just the right places. But there are so many of them; they travel in packs and ambush anything in sight.
They've overrun the city. A blockade is set up on the outskirts to try and contain the problem. I'm still trying to connect to the outside world, but everyone thinks I'm one of them.
If I don't survive this, I just want to say sorry to my friend's family and my boyfriend's family. I'm sorry I couldn't save them. I really tried. And I just want to say to my mom and dad that I love them. I love you both so much.
If anyone finds this it belongs to the writer, Anna Marie Cambelle.
The woman tears out the page and stashes it away in the building. It was something she did in every place that she took residence in, certain that somewhere down the road, other survivors that happen along might find it. She gathers her things and makes way for the door. It was quite a process; dislodging the chair away from the handle, pulling away the chains, and dismantling a handful of padlocks. She grits her teeth when the hinges moan, and gazes down the dark, deserted hallway. (Edited by: Sere)
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:15 am
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:17 am
By the way, I will be adding dates. I just need to decide what year I'm going to set this in. Any suggestions would be lovely. I would like to stay away from 2012 because my friend is making an apocalyptic story based on that year. Don't want any plagiarism wars going on between friends. ^^
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:17 am
for a date why dont you do something i saw in a game once and make it 300X lol hey it works and you dont have to have an actual number and have the disease start in the summer for thats when it would spread the fastest
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:33 am
You have a lot of fragmented run-on sentences and unnecessary capitalization. You also keep switching between past and present tense, making it really hard to follow.
As for a gun, all "magnum" means is that a given round is either loaded to a higher power level than its progenitor cartridge, or has greater powder volume than its progenitor cartridge. These days, it can be taken to mean any high-pressure, high-performance cartridge. Like the .500 S&W Magnum, which is an original case design, but is called a "magnum" because it's designed to be a very powerful round and requires a big, beefy gun to handle it; as such the word does not need to be capitalized, and you probably need to be more specific of the caliber. I suggest you do a little more research on weaponry before you write about it. There are some great books like "the illustrated history of weaponry" that would probably help you out, that one is on sale at any Barnes and Noble for 10.00 right now.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:37 am
Oooh thankies for the input Sere. To be honest I was trying to keep it basic. I am not that educated as far as guns go. Swords, not a problem lol.
I'll look out for that book.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:39 am
dot_hack_ver2 for a date why dont you do something i saw in a game once and make it 300X lol hey it works and you dont have to have an actual number and have the disease start in the summer for thats when it would spread the fastest I could. I just don't want to make it so far into the future where technology may be more advanced. I want to try to keep it close to our time but in a believable manner. Like this can happen in five years from now.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:41 am
Fixed the capitalization on magnum.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 3:49 am
The year 2012 is when the Mayan calender was set to end, which is the basis for a lot of people seeing it as the "year of the apocalypse". It was their belief that the world came to an end and then was reborn, like a phoenix OF THE WORLD. Or the Matrix. Or whatever. So if we're plagiarising the year 2012, we're all doing it off a long-dead culture.
When I write something that's set in the future, but not-too-distant-future, I always make it ambiguous. Don't actually set a date, if you can get away with it. It ages better that way, for one thing.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:06 am
Moonlite__Syren Prologue An African American woman in her early twenties sits in the middle of an apartment. Furniture and broken glass is scattered upon the floor. An assortment of faded newspapers sits haphazardly on the ruined sofa. Some of the titles are left intact. Things like "Hills on Fire!" or "Rabid Animals! Lock your doors!" or "Cultists Prophesied a New Way of Life!" are spread across the musty pages. Every sound-- a creak of the door, a whisper of the wind through the windows-- her head swivels and snaps to attention; her arm twitches. Just inches away from her is a gun, safety turned off and ready for use. She pries a small roll of papers from the safety of her hands. Placing it on the floor in between the spread of her legs, she turns to a blank page and begins to write. Her hand shakes as bumpy letters and words begin to form on the page. The only light: a small ray of hopeless sun, peering through the boarded up holes behind the drapes. A few tears roll off her cheek, carving blurry lines in the ink. Wiping her eyes, she presses on. I don't know how much time I have left. Everyone I know is dead. They got my friends, they got my neighbors... my boyfriend, and John. I watched them attack men and animals, young and old.
I'm running low on supplies.
I'll have to go out and get what I can find to survive. I doubt I'll be able to come back here to this apartment building. The smell seems to draw them. They're evolving more and more each day. They get stronger and more resistant.. after a time, a simple bullet will only stall them long enough to run.
I have a pretty big handgun, but it's not very effective. It takes a couple of bullets in just the right places. But there are so many of them; they travel in packs and ambush anything in sight.
They've overrun the city. A blockade has is up on the outskirts to try and contain the problem but I doubt it'll hold. I'm still trying to connect to the outside world, but everyone thinks I'm one of them.
If I don't survive this, I just want to say sorry to my friend's family and my boyfriend's family. I'm sorry I couldn't save them. I really tried. And I just want to say to my mom and dad that I love them. I love you both so much.
If anyone finds this it belongs to the writer, Anna Marie Cambelle.The woman tears out the page and stashes it away in the building. It was something she did in every place that she took residence in, certain that somewhere down the road, other survivors that happen along might find it. She gathers her things and makes way for the door. It was quite a process; dislodging the the chair away from the handle, pulling away the chains, and dismantling a handful of padlocks. She grits her teeth when the hinges moan, and gazes down the dark, deserted hallway.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:20 am
The Phrenologikal Cat The year 2012 is when the Mayan calender was set to end, which is the basis for a lot of people seeing it as the "year of the apocalypse". It was their belief that the world came to an end and then was reborn, like a phoenix OF THE WORLD. Or the Matrix. Or whatever. So if we're plagiarising the year 2012, we're all doing it off a long-dead culture. When I write something that's set in the future, but not-too-distant-future, I always make it ambiguous. Don't actually set a date, if you can get away with it. It ages better that way, for one thing. Yeah, but if I'm allowing my characters to write journal entries then it makes more sense to why she would date her stuff. When you're caught in a helpless situation with nobody around you start to go a little insane. A good way to cope and maintain sanity is to write.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:25 am
Thank you so much Sere. I might just twist it up just a tad in some places. The setting in my mind is a little different then the one you wrote up here. But the way you took it and completely edited was very nice and much appreciated.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:05 am
True, but it's hard to keep a track of time at the end of humanity.
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Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:10 am
The Phrenologikal Cat True, but it's hard to keep a track of time at the end of humanity. Good point. I'll keep that in mind. Thank you for your input ^^
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