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Is it so much to ask my husband to look for a job while I'm looking for a job?

We're managing apartments now, and he handles most of it as his "job" but considering that we've been out of luck for 2 and a half months now, and the only income we've had has been from my financial aid for school. I know he loves being an apartment manager, but after we pay our bills in November, we're going to have to start going to the food banks for ramen noodles. We've got maybe 2 weeks before we will be relying on the goodwill of others to feed our daughter. Dire, right?

And the department of labor has denied my unemployment insurance claim, because my last employer couldn't fire me because of my religious beliefs, so they came up with something else.

So tonight, when I asked my husband if we could both look for jobs, and double our chances of getting some kind of employment, he walks out on me. Seriously. Leaves. He calls me from the car to ask if I want to go driving with him, but I'm in the middle of making dinner and our daughter needs to be in bed in an hour--not the time for a joy ride, especially with gas prices being what they are.

I'm so annoyed with him for not stepping up to this hardship. I've been taking on most of the managing duties lately because he's been laid up with the mumps--and I like managing apartments too. It's not like I can't do them. I have no qualms about fixing toilets or anything. He makes it sound like this horrible ordeal, but in 1 week, I've shown our vacant apartments to more people than he has in the last month, I've dealt with vendors, planted flowers, helped tenants--the whole shebang. We only have 26 units--it's not a giant building or anything.

I don't understand why he's so jealous of the job when we are in pending financial doom. If I get a job, sure, I'll go out an work. If he does, I'll stay home and manage apartments and take care of our daughter. If he wants to work temporarily, I'll keep applying for work. I'm not saying he should go out and get a job so I can stay at home. I'm just saying we should both look for work.

Am I being horrible and mean and unfair?

It's not unfair at all. Frankly if it were me, and a guy walked out on me like that, I'd tell him not to bother driving home without some applications. Doesn't sound to me like he's doing anything to help you and your daughter (I'm aware things are always more complicated than that, but still), so why bother keeping him around? There's a certain point when emotions have to be thrown out for practicality, and I think two weeks from starving is one of those. If he doesn't step up, kick him out.

To get a corny line out: Marriage is compromise and balance. With that said... tell him to least get a paper route or something... sweatdrop ok, maybe not THAT far, but... um... how's the local walmart looking? sweatdrop I got nothing. X_X;;; I'm stilla full time student who... *dramatic music* I've never had a flippin' job before!!!! gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk

Thanks everyone. I don't feel quite so crazy anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. I've given up quite a bit for him, and I'd still give up more. I know he'd do the same for me. I'm not thinking of splitting or anything, I'm just frustrated with him being so pig-headed. (He's the great grandson of the Don of Detroit. What did I expect, right?)

When he finally came home the other night, we talked about it, and he is concerned about the no-income thing. He's also concerned that, given the temperamental nature of the owner of the building we manage, switching duties back and forth between us might jeopardize the roof over our head.

I can understand, but I'm still pushing for him to be a night stocker or something. Seriously, we can live on $1000 a month because we're rent free. Anything will help. I just hope my insistence doesn't drive a wedge between us. sweatdrop

And just for the record, normally he's a sweet and supportive man who always puts me and my daughter first. This financial crisis is really the first time since I've known him that he's gotten childish and petulant over something. And I'm just going to chalk that up to the mumps. Stupid virus. razz

here here! Where where? o.o;;

Ah, anyway, agreed.

Stress is bad. Must slice with sword to make puny. >:3

But speaking uncartoon like: I wish the best for you guys. And yeah... stress is a pain in the butt. I hope you guys gets relief from it soon. And Im glad you two talked about it.

woot! ^.^ let us hope that the stress goes away and the bickering stops so that work can get done!

Wow girl! I know exactly where you're coming from.

My husband and I have been through a couple of spells like this. It is never easy, but if you learn to communicate it won't be quite so hard.

My husband and I are together going on 10 years now. At first he had all the noble aspirations of being "The Provider", and allowing me to do what I wanted. It took me a long time to get him to see me as a partner, not a responsibility.

When we first got together, he wouldn't let me pay for anything. He wanted me to have my money for myself, and he wanted his money to go for bills and such. rolleyes I told him then that we were going to put our accounts together, because there was no reason I couldn't contribute to the household. I worked to take care of myself before he came along, didn't I?

Anyway, he still kept it in his head that HE was going to be the bacon-bringer. So after a couple of months with these impossible ideals, he nearly snapped when he couldn't do it on his own. His place of worked closed, and he then jumped from temp job to temp job. I didn't realize what was going on, I just noticed that he was distancing himself from me. It accumulated to a point that when I came home one night, he was sitting on the bed rehearsing a speech he planned out saying how he felt like a failure, and that I would probably be better off without him. stare We had the partnership talk again.

It took me a year to realize that he would assuredly forget our talks within a month, and start trying to attempt his old-fashioned chivalrous ideals again. I admired his persistence, but I was one of those independent women who realized early on that I could make it perfectly fine on my own without a man, but I was really fond of the one I got xp Something needed to be done to get through to him.

I am not a crier, and the more angry I am the quieter I get, I never yell when I am actually mad. He had never seen me angry at that point, and I was getting damn close to it, so I decided to use those to my advantage. Quite frankly, it would have happened on its own, if I waited much longer. So I figured a controlled burn was safer.

(If you are a crier, then this tactic may not be as effective because he already knows what your tears look like. I have a friend that leaves letters, and has his wife write replies to him. It avoids yelling, and gives them a chance to think about what they say before they blurt something too hurtful out when they don't mean it.)

Anyway...

So, one night when he was being all melancholy, and asked that same question about whether I regretted marrying him, I let loose with the water works. I told him that I had already answered that question too many times, and that I was starting to believe he wanted me to leave.

That got his attention. I then turned all his insecurities back on him while I was in tears.

Then after I poured those out, I got angry. I quietly told him that if he could not consider me a partner, then I would leave, because I had moved out of my parents house so I could take care of myself. I didn't move in with him just so I would be someone's responsibility again. If he wanted a new responsibility, he could get a dog, or have a kid.

When he absorbed that, we sat quietly for awhile, and he then asked what I needed of him. I simply said I needed him to listen to me, and I would always be honest about what I needed, and that he needed to talk to me before he built his imagination into something real.

Since then, we have had very strong communication. We don't have any major marital issues. We definitely have hardships, but they seem to strengthen us, because we have learned how to work together to get through them.

I know that my story isn't exactly what you are going through right now. But hopefully, you can find a way to get through to your husband about how important it is to communicate, share, and commiserate.

You may have to use a borderline manipulative tactic to get his attention, but if you let your emotions out while you still have control of them, you should be able to avoid a shouting match. I know your husband cares allot about you, and you obviously for him, so I know if you find a way to appeal to his protective side, then you should be able to avoid him raising his defenses before you have said what needs to be said.

You also need to be prepared to hear what he has to say, even if it hurts your feelings. You can be sure that if you have something to say to him, he is going to have something to say to you. The trick is not to let anger plug your ears from hearing what each other has to say. Once all your issues are out in the open, don't get all defensive about them, work on fixing them.

I do hope things get better for you. I hope that you can take something of my experience and help you figure out a solution. It seems to me that you are both trying to shield each other from each others anxiety. This really does just compound the problem. I think if you can practice healthier communication you will be able to help each other out, not stress each other out.

Well, my troubles have been momentarily resolved.

Except I don't get his assertion (for what has been about 6 or 7 months now) that "I'm better off when he's not there." To which my response is "The hell I'm not!" I don't want anyone but him, and I'm pretty certain I won't for at least another 40 years or so. Why does he keep thinking/saying that the best thing he can do is leave me alone? Just the thought of being alone panics me! I try to show him in *ALL KINDS* of ways that I need him constantly in my life, but the minute I start PMSing, he's ready to bolt. My hormonal mood swings can't be THAT bad...can they?