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 Posted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 7:38 am
Kat's Kuest 4 AW SUM - Contents - 1 - This post 2 - Character 3 - Character History / Background 4 - Weapons / Fighting Style 4 - It's reserved. b***h. ~News~ 24/11/2009 - ACCEPTED <3 Hell yeess! 23/11/2009 - Cleaned up Virtues. Despite the fact I did not receive an approval mark, I tidied, considered, and tried again. Thank you again for the crit and the serious read through. 17/11/2009 - Cleaned up Virtues/Flaws. MAJOR thanks to those who critted me (Nata, Ende) 31/10/2009 - Finished the story! Got something relatively solid naow. I am satisfied enough of this to have it considered for finalization. 23/10/2009 - Added Weapons, fighting style, finalized mineral. Open for crit, flames, marriage proposals, death sentences. 20/10/2009 - Finally got something going for this quest thread. Got a character sorted, and some groundwork for history, all that crap.
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Posted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 7:41 am
Negaverse: Lt. Corundum Full Name: Dylan Bancroft Nicknames: Dill, Dillweed (doesn't like this, lol), Pickle (as in Dill-Pickle) Age: 16 Birthday: May 17th Sign: Taurus Blood Type: O + Fav. Food: Loves pizza, and anything covered in piping hot cheese and sauce with pasta. Also likes beef-related things, like steak. Hated Food: Avacadoes, zucchini, and pretty much every green vegetable that exists (spinach, broccoli, brussel sprout). Also dislikes most kinds of seafood. School: Hillworth Grammar. Hobbies: Kickboxing - This is one of the main ways he passes his time. He was introduced to this sport at a low point in his life and it keeps his mind occupied and distracted - it is his escape from everyday life. He He also does this for fitness purposes and because it is a great way of managing anger and 'letting off steam' so to speak. He feels very strongly about this sport because it fills him with confidence. It has also given him strength to to beat up his opponents. Music - Happy to jam a pair of headphones into his ears and drown out the world with music, particularly Metal. Has a wide range of artist favourites including Black Sabbath, NIN, and old reliable classics in the genre like Megadeth, Ozzy Ozbourne, and Judas Priest. Video Games - Loves video games and will waste hours playing them. Loves action games, FPS in particular. The more violent, the better. Dylan has relatively quick reflexes too, and is good at them. Likes the Gears of War series. Also likes the Halo games, and thinks Thinks Call of Duty 4 is Halo 3's b***h. Will also play Guitar Hero and DDR, but they are not his preferences. Gemstone: Emerald Virtues: Adrenaline Junkie - Like many males, he is full of testosterone and highly competitive. In his quest to be great at what he does, he is to a very large degree, fearless - he wouldn't be afraid to scale a rock cliff, for example. When the adrenaline is surging (especially during a brawl) he moves to greater lengths and heights to achieve his goals (which is ultimately, victory). He loves the rush he gets from being in the middle of the fight and lives for the high of the battle. The phrase "one feels most alive when they are dancing on the knife-edge of death" really holds true for Dyl - He is at his absolute best right there in the middle of the fight. Independent - Being in situations where he had nobody else, he has adapted and considers himself more mature than other kids his age. Aside from being away from home a lot to cause this (boarding schools, Juvenile Detention), the death of his father caused him to grow up very quickly. He doesn't rely on others to cope. He is very capable of managing his own, holding his own, and to work alone. If sent out on a mission all by himself he would not suffer in the slightest. He could adapt to the given situation and cope well without others. Adaptable - Independence plays into this trait - being adaptable to the situation at hand. If the situation changes and it can be proven to be better another way, this guy can adapt so can he to best suit the new requirement. If given orders to go do something entirely different, no problem! He's not going to get stuck or hung up over doing something one particular way (unless he's feeling sour about it). If there's a better way of doing something, he adapts and moves on. Always changing. Weasely - Dylan has a quick wit and a smart mouth to match. Will attempt to weasel himself out of tricky or unfortunate situations with (what he perceives to be) clever excuses to evade trouble. In the case of being in trouble, he would chain together some kind of clever elaborate lie to a headmaster/teacher/opponent on why something happened the way it did (ie: I set the cafeteria on fire, but no, I didn't because there was really a fire hazard there). Will also try to come up with smart-a** insults to rile people up, commonly known as "trash talking", with the intent and purpose of trying to make people lose focus, and perhaps give him the advantage to win the fight. Flaws: Bully - Has a bit of a superiority complex. Has no respect for authority. He basically thinks (in his mind) that he's better than you in most cases (and would do this to his actual superiors until they kick his arse through the floor, or ground him, or something else). If you're smaller or weaker, or you've gotten on Dyl's bad side, he's going to try and knock you to the ground. If somebody challenges him or insults him, he's going to rise up to the challenge and won't stand for any insult (even if it means they ARE better than him and kick his a** into the ground). He will bully the weaker person, and actually seems to derive entertainment from picking on people as well as trying to make them feel bad about themselves, whether it be personal appearance, the way they move, the way they smell, etc. If you got the better of him at some point, he will hold a grudge against you. Will try to make your life worse. Will trash-talk you and spread rumours about you in an attempt to ruin your reputation if he doesn't like you. Will put salt in your milk, pull your hair, trip you over in the hall. Will try to make your life a living hell. Dirty Little Criminal - Likes to display abhorrent behaviour in the form of vandalism and theft. Did your Nintendo DS go missing recently? Check Dylan's quarters. His philosophy is "If I want it I'll take it. And if not, I'll burn it." Even though he's essentially a spoiled-rich-brat from a well-to-do background, he has no real concept of sentimental or monetary value. He'll steal money from your room if he doesn't have any at the time. He'll steal your notebooks and copy your assignments if he thinks it will benefit his schoolwork (and stop the teachers for harassing him so much on his crappy grades). He will also happily mar or destroy something beautiful or valuable if he's bored or he knows it will piss off somebody he doesn't like. Would probably steal a car if temptation was there and he knew how to hot-wire it. Self-Righteous - Is capable of being very stubborn and being stuck in his own beliefs and rights. If he thinks he's right and there's not much evidence to prove otherwise, he's right and that's the end of it - no further discussion please. If he fully and truly believed the sky was green, that would be the end of it - according to Dylan and his world, the sky is green. When he gets in his stubborn self-righteous mood, it'd be hard to convince him of any other way. By his reasoning if he broke your nose, it's not his fault. It would be YOUR fault because you didn't block his punch. --- Physical Description: Has some muscle definition in his chest and upper arms from exercising and years of participating in kickboxing, a martial art he loves very much. Other than that, not much to him. Skinny, kinda lanky, gangly. Not overly tall or short for his age. Think average 16 year old kid, mostly. Hair: Short partially messy black hair, a little overgrown, tipped/streaked in sapphire blue colouring. Eyes: Greeny blue eyes, squarish and perpetually glaring/scowling. Face: Longish round head. See ref? Kind of pointed chin, has a goatee. Would show evidence of being in some kind of school-yard brawl (black eye, band-aids, etc). Body: Average, slight muscle in his upper body and legs. Fashion: Fashion? What's that? When not in uniform, Dylan is inclined to be a slob. He'd wear whatever's comfortable. A hoodie, jeans, sneakers. References: - http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/no-holds-barred/pastamania.jpg - LOL. - http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j213/kat_aclysm/kid.jpg
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Posted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 7:43 am
The Guts / History / Inner Workings of the Chara
(Or, "Why things are the way they are") Dylan started life as your average kid. He was an only-child of his family and lived with both of his parents in an upper class rich part of town. Both parents provided only the best for their son, and sent him to private school and spent money on tutoring him when he wasn't at school. However, both parents were very career-driven and somewhat inattentive to their son emotionally. While they gave their son everything he wanted physically (if he wanted a new bike, he got it. If he wanted a video game system, he got it), his mental needs were sorely lacking most of the time. He remained like this, and was a relatively quiet academically smart student. Then came the turning point in his life when he was 12 years of age - the sudden death of his father. If his father had died of a heart attack or something, Dylan would have been able to accept that - but truth was, his father was murdered. Dylan never found out what the point of the murder was, or who the culprit was. There wasn't even a suspect, or a witness. This was the turning point in Dylan's life, and his delinquent tendencies began. First came the total disregard for authority. To him, if the police weren't of any use, what use was ANY form of authority for that matter? He also began to ditch classes in favor of loitering around the mall and arcade game pavilion. Soon came violence - getting into fights with peers, beating up other students. He would frequently come home with a black eye or a ripped shirt, never caring about much else. Dylan soon found himself expelled from his current school once he set fire to equipment in the science lab, thus causing an evacuation of half the entire school. His mother did not know what to do with him and sent him to another school, and also to therapy counseling, but it was to no avail. The brawling continued, as did the graffiti and destruction of property. When he was 14, he began to get into substance abuse (marijuana, alcohol). One night while completely out of his mind, he and three of his delinquent buddies stole a car and went on a drunken bender joyride halfway across the city. This incident landed him in Juvenile Detention for four months. Being stuck in Juvenile Detention gave him time to reflect on everything. Because the staff at the detention center were more interested in rehabilitating the male above all else, he was given strategies on managing his anger more appropriately. They also taught him ways to deal with issues more effectively, and to find more constructive outlets for his emotions. It was here where his kickboxing 'career' began, and as his behavior improved, the staff awarded him by allowing him to spend more and more time doing it. When he was finally released from Juvenile Detention, his mother enrolled him back in the same school he had been in before. And all was well for a time, the male was clean and relatively well behaved. However, some time after his 15th birthday, he began to slip up. Not wishing for a repeat performance and another spectacular downhill crash, his mother decided to enroll Dylan in Hillworth Grammar school. And he has been there ever since, looking for a way to break things... Why the Negaverse?First and foremost, because he's young and easy to manipulate. Secondly, he has a very skewed set of morals. He already has a criminal record, so even if he wanted to, he is restricted in what he can do, career wise. He also has a massive chip on his shoulder in regards to the world around him because of the murder of his father. Despite the bullshit fed to him on anger management issues, there is a lot of anger and hostility inside of the boy, and the potential to make one hell of a vicious fighter if only steered in the right direction (or the wrong direction?). Catchphrases!- "Your a**, my boot!" Why Corundum as a mineral?Because it contains sapphires. <3 And it has a Moh Scale hardness of 9, which is one under diamond, the toughest known mineral known to man. I originally wanted to go with Diamond because it is a mineral as well as a gemstone as well (way to break the boundaries of SCIENCE), but as it was an already existing character, it was suggested that I could use a mineral in which diamond is found in instead. Did some reading, came upon corundum instead. Hardiness of 9. Mineral Information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/corundumAfter a nice tough hard mineral to go along with my character's toughness and fighting spirit. Corundum seems to fit well.
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Posted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 7:51 am
Weapons / Skills Lt. WeaponEither... raw fists of fury! (lol) or something relatively standard like this. Head padding, boxing gloves, foot padding. An unconventional way of looking at this, maybe even have him carrying around a giant punching bag (for smashing into people)? Later... GIANT ******** FISTCLAWS + some kind of spikey leg plating. Will work on that part later. Some s**t: http://www.whoopis.com/~mbates/maxx-real.jpg (Yes, I know this is The Maxx) http://www.finalfantasycosplay.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Tifa_Lockhart_art.png Tifa has nice elbow/boot plating. Love. http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/finalfantasy/images/0/01/Duel_Claws.png http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/finalfantasy/images/1/10/Avenger_FFIX.png http://kat-aclysm.deviantart.com/art/Old-Art-50-Claws-23180118 NOTE:I may also leave this up to the artist who does the character in the end, depending on the type of slot I manage to acquire for this chara. If there's a metaplot that requires something specific for example, I would rather adapt than stay stuck in an idea. Overall, I'd like something shop compliant and awesome. <3
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Posted: Thu Oct 22, 2009 11:36 pm
Previous Crits Left For Me Hoarding these because they were amazingly helpful! Nata I know it's not the least bit helpful, but I saw nothing wrong that really shouted at me? It IS almost 5 am, so I wasn't looking at it under a magnifying glass, but overall I thought he was an interesting character. I like the feel it gave me, especially the stuff you gave us about the element you were going for with the hardness scale and all. I felt it kinda brought his personality together for me. (I'm so sorry if I'm not making any sense -- i really should get some sleep) Hope that reassures you a bit? I know it's not helpful, but I'll try to look at it again tomorrow. G'luck! Ende Nickname suggestion: Pickle rather than Punch-face (Dill Pickle) Hobbies: Kickboxing - This is one of the main ways he passes his time. He was introduced to this sport at a low point in his life and it keeps his mind occupied and distracted - it is his escape from everyday life. He He also does this for fitness purposes and because it is a great way of managing anger and 'letting off steam' so to speak. He feels very strongly about this sport because it fills him with confidence. It has also given him strength to to beat up his opponents. ----- Would you say he's a bit of a bully? The way you phrase 'to beat up his opponents' kinda sounds that way, it'd be interesting too. Plus there are a lot of people who -get- bullied but not I think a lot of people do DO the bullying. So your'd have a good edge there I think if you played it up. ((and besides he's nega)) Corageous - Bravery is one of the pages in Dylan's book. He's not afraid to fight, or take the leap forward if requested. Not saying he's entirely fearless, but he lacks fear in situations where some would be fearful (he wouldn't be afraid to scale a rock cliff, for example). ------- not that its a bad thing but there are a lot of people doing 'Courageous'...what you might do instead since he does kickboxing and wouldn't say no to cliff-climbs, is "Adrenaline Junky" - then you could play off the 'rush' of the hunt to get star seeds, the 'surge' of fighting senshi. Independent - Is very capable of managing his own, holding his own, and work alone, so to speak. He can also work in a collective group if requested, but he can do things well without others as well. Being in situations where he had nobody else, he has adapted and considers himself more mature than other kids his age. -------- When using this, its -always- better in my mind to sight a few 'for examples' - there must be some things he does better on his own, that he -prefers- to do on his own. What's he like doing best independently and maybe even 'how' - but also sight things where he'd perhaps reluctantly turn for help, or at least company (like rock climbing) Adaptable - If the situation changes, and it can be proven to be better another way, this guy can adapt so can he to best suit the new requirement. If given orders to go do something entirely different, no problem! He's not going to get stuck or hung up over doing something one particular way (unless he's feeling sour about it). If there's a better way of doing something, he adapts and moves on. Always changing. ---------- Again good merit, but I'd -love- to see a 'for example' hitched to it. What's a situation where he adapted, how did he overcome? Does he think outside the box? Or does he know a lot of 'inside the box' ways to get out of situations? Samples of both perhaps? You don't have to be an expert on anything either, just wiki some, you'll get some great info for your character, and feel more confidant when you play them? (just a pet fave of mine, like I'm reading medical books to play Ume, who reads them for fun, but I'd fail at trying to keep up on things like math so I'd be a more spontaneous look up kinda thing. )) **rambles**
((also I'm just going point by point with thoughts... this is by no means a 'your charicter sucks' thing, its just how I roll/crit)) Witty/Intelligent - Sharp wit and intelligence can get you in trouble, but it can also really save your a**. Dylan has wit and is a calculating intelligent fellow. Along with a smart mouth to match. Shows intelligence when he has a cool head. -------- again with the how, check page 2 of the apps thread and read Zinkicite, ((or the proper spelling)) he can talk people into things (and has a few for examples) but he also has for examples of how he might get himself -into- trouble. Your not going to want to use the same -kind- of wit I think, Your dude reads more like he'd be the sort of joking person who's jokes might distract or anger.... but I could be wrong? You don't necessarily need the exact words but think of a generic situation for them to see <3 Flaws: Hostile/Quick To Anger/Hotheaded - Quick to anger. Quick to throw punches, and get in fights. Seems to enjoy this, too. If somebody insults him, he's not going to take it. The first thing he would probably do is react, and give somebody a black eye. ---------- This I think you might want to swap up -just- a little to be different, you say early on he lights kickboxing and beating people up. You might want to swap this up to 'Bully' or 'aggressive', what if its not just people who insult him? What if its a combination of his wits (to stay out of the principals office) and hostility to just pick on people he just 'doesn't like' or just because he feels like it. It would make his transition to nega easier for him (psychologically) if its not just "you insulted me' but more of a "Damn this is fun' - plus you could play it off the 'adrenaline junky' suggestion from before. He's a bully because he likes the rush of the fight?Materialistic - If he wants something, you can bloody well bet he's going to try and get it. His spoiled rich childhood has left him with the mindset of placing too much value in physical meaningless things. ------ Is he above stealing? He may be rich but if someone else has what -he- wants, why wait when you can fight for it. Might he beat people up and take things from them? Its not such a far step to star seeds from there. But You might also want to have a listing somewhere of him having some kind of 'possy' even though he's a loner. He needs some reason for people to continue to interact with them even if he's likely to push them or punch them to get what he wants? Some of these could tie together quite well. Irrational - At times, if really angry and he can become irrational and snap, he can forget to think things through, or not ponder the consequences of his actions. Shoot first, ask questions later, so to speak. --------- Not quite the word your looking for, and I might delete this as a flaw entirely and merge it into the short tempered/bully flaw. You might say he gets so into the rush of the fight, or the anger of it once he gets hit in return, that he looses sight and focus of what's around him. It would help round out the previous flaw without looking shaky on its own?Vandal - Likes to display abhorrent behaviour in the form of vandalism. Doesn't care for other people's property, and will happily mar or destroy something beautiful or valuable if he's bored or he knows it will piss off somebody he doesn't like. Would probably steal a car if temptation was there and he knew how to hotwire it. --------- I would move this into hobbies, its less a flaw ((and it looks like you have too many)) - but more a I do this cause I like it and it dies with both his Self righteous behavior, AND his "If I want it I'll take it" If you establish he's not above thievery then you could actually merge part of it in there. Manipulative - Quite capable of being a snivelling grovelling little bag of s**t if he knows there's some level of self-gain out of it. What's that? You wanted somebody to kiss your a**? There's something in it for him? Where would you like him to kiss it? ------------- Not like me to say so but, I'd axe this entirely. just GONE... it sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of a well assembled idea. I see him as more likely to -beat- what he wants out of someone than to kiss their a** or try and talk them out of it like a used car salesman. ((which was my first thought when I saw the kiss line...)) If he's self righteous why would he spend any time kissing tookas anyhow?))Disrespectful - Are you playing the part of the man? If he thinks he's big enough to defeat you, he's going to try and kick your a**. Disrespectful to authority, to friends, to everyone. Brash, and downright rude.
----------- Again I'd axe this, you've well established his likely personality, stating this is really almost an overstatement. But the fact you want to have this attitude for him also again negates the "if you want him to kiss your a** he'll ask where" - because that would give them authority over him. I'd keep the brash, fighting bully theme you have going with a sort of unspoken 'code of honor' for those whom he finds tolerable ((and I'd write that in not as a merrit or flaw but in a sort of add on to the story section))
He might consider those he finds tolerable to be 'his property' of sorts and there for not to be messed with. A fun but twisted psychology I think you could have a LOT of fun with. Fight Call - He loves video games yeah?... you might consider punning "Mortal Combat" X3 Weapons - I might change those claw blades to knuckle spikes, he seems very much a punch and kick character and those would be more of a 'sweep and disembowel' - with claw spikes he could do puncture damage -and- break jaws. Later he could have extended gloves with blades facing out from the edge of his forearm (where you'd block someone) making him harder to hit ((and you wouldn't want to without a ranged weapon)) Yes no? Helpful?
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Posted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 1:13 am
Now open for critique. heart
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Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 6:13 pm
MARK PLZ!!
~ Though if anyone would like to crit this, it's still very open for it. =)
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Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 9:06 am
Took all my crits and tidied the quest. heart Looks much more refined and clean now.
Still up for Critque, and a Markplz. heart
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Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 1:25 am
 I have ONE problem with this app. Quote: Cunning/Intelligent - This guy is as sly as a fox, and as calculating as... some animal with a calculator. Is very capable of weaseling himself out of trouble (such as chaining together a huge lie to a headmaster on why something happened the way it did (ie: I set the cafeteria on fire, but no, I didn't because there was really a fire hazard there!), and has a sharp wit. Can pretty much always think of a smart-a** witty comeback to your lame-a** insult and burn you worse than you burned him. His sense of wit and trash-talking has been known to get others riled up, which can make them lose focus and give him the advantage to win the fight. What you're mostly describing is just the quick-witted part, which is different from cunning. If you want both, I think you'll need to break them up. That's just an observation, though, not the problem. The problem is with the quick-witted part. Not only is that an extremely annoying trait, you're really powermoding it. He can ALWAYS think up a better response. He burns you better than you can burn him. Apart from the fact that you're making him the ULTIMATE in insults, with no chance of others being better or burning him worse, you're also putting yourself in the position where you're going to have to come up with all these witty insults during RP. What happens when the person you're RPing with it better at this than you, the player? Are they expected to tone down their character because you've claimed Dill is better at it? I think it needs to be toned down. Dill could just THINK he was the ultimate in comebacks/insults? Or he could be good at it, but not THE BEST?
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Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 1:50 am
In response to the crit: Thank you! It's never my intention to powergame as I think that kind of thing is just BS. My wording was bad and I guess I was writing more from the perspective of the character. I don't expect anybody to change their RP because of what my character is. That's just silly.
As a result of the crit, I changed up the virtue and made it non-definites and read better.
Because it's the only thing that really needs anything, I guess I'm popping another MARKPLZ on this.
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Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 2:31 am
I didn't think you meant to n.n And LOL at "Weasely" as a virtue XD Unusual, but it works for him. 
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Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 2:58 am
Yay thank you! Weasely seemed to fit more than Witty. biggrin Plus when you said it was an annoying virtue I decided to shake it up a bit.
Thank you again! biggrin
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Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 12:31 pm
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