Xian's journal.

[Insanity Sparkles]

I'll post my days up with a date, i'm going to say what's on my mind.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything or I will report you and get you kicked from the guild.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 5th, 2009- I woke up around 3am this morning after having another bad dream. Came online and talked with Kira until 5, I shared Beatles videos with her...it was very nice and made my morning.

Got up for school around 7am, had to go in early because I had to take a make-up English test and quiz. Afterwards tried to talk to some of my "friends" at my table. They ignored me and I just left. Assholes.

Class period after class period goes by no trouble, after school around 5pm I go to my first marching practice back after having the swine flu all last week.

Get yelled at alot come home tired and sore. My cough is back and so is my stuffed up nose, i'm basically sneezing blood.

Now i'm here around 9pm typing this up because i've finished all my homework and have nothing better to do with my time because I have no one to talk to.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 6th 2009-Great way to start off the day, throwing up.

I'm not doing well, I caught whatever my brother had Sunday, and now my mom has the flu.

I could use someone to talk to I feel very alone and i'd like to do something else then spend my time around a toilet or my bed.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 7th 2009- Overall a good day compared to the ones i've recently had.

My progress report came in today..

Algebra II- 90%
English III-93%
Jazz Band- 100%
Honors Band- 100%
Physics- 85%
A.P US History-75%
Health Science 1- 93%
Lunch- 32%
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All in all some pretty good grades. :3 ...How the ******** i'm failing lunch I have no idea.. I hope it doesn't effect my UIL eligbility....

Lol anyways, still waiting for one of the most important people in my life to give me a damned text or phone call but other then that i'm doing ok.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 10th, 2009-

I haven't made a journal entry in a while, I doubt anybody ever reads them when I do.

Having big issues both on here and in rl.

Giving up on all of it again very slowly. No one cares, and reads this anyways so I guess i'm going to stop entries.

Bye I guess.  

[zeromus1st]

We do read it. At least me, diana, and julie read all these. We just don't post out of respect for your journal thread.

don't give up, okay? You may feel like people don't care, but that's only if you make yourself believe that. People do care. You just need to see that.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 11, 2009-

FIRST PLACE WINNERS!!! 8D

They post our show on youtube once the one for this competition is up i'll post it on the main thread for everyone to see because i'm really proud we just made band history for our school and this is big for me.

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!! 8DDDDDDDD  

[Insanity Sparkles]

My rant. Needed to blow off steam, enjoy~
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just because I don't give a ******** about anything at the moment i'm going to rant. Say whatever the ******** you want I don't give a s**t it's not like you can put me down any more then my life already is.

It's all been s**t ever since my ex broke up with me. Bad relationship after bad relationship and she seems like she doesn't even give a ********. Her and her stupid bf ever time I see them together it drives me insane.

I can't live like this but I don't have the balls to do s**t. So I get to live out each miserable day after day while she gets to be happy have a bunch of friends to lean on and someone to love.

Life is so unfair. No one cares. It's probably why I do the s**t I do because the only way people give a ******** is if I do something stupid. Maybe I am an attention whore or maybe i'm just lonely after having my life ******** wasted after I put all my trust into a person and they ripped my heart out for another guy.

And I can still preach that I care about her because I really do. I really do love her but none of that matters. I don't matter nobody's proved me wrong!

I am so bitter. I want to be happy. I want to not have to put things like this. Shutting myself away from the world and giving up are the only things I can ever do it seems. the people I trust and care about don't give two cents about me or show it.

I never come first all my life i've been pushed around life isn't fair at all.

I HATE THIS STUPID SITE. I'm so pissed off and depressed. I have next to no one. I was left with nothing and I still have nothing but empty promises and lies.

And your probably going to read this and take it the wrong way. And instead of maybe caring after seeing how bad of a condition I am because I am feeling terrible, your just going to take it the wrong way and we'll fight again and stop talking blah blah blah.

I'm sick of all of this. I need a way out. I can't please everybody. I'm not ready for the future. Nightmares so many nightmares. Even the people I try to tell my problems to...it's not enough. No one understands or even tries to understand because i'm a lost cause.

*sighs* Ranting done. I feel semi better now. Not like anybody will read this anyways.  

[Lady Kira X]

Where to start where to start? D:

o-o; Omg.. I laughed >>; I think I'm becoming insane.

Anywho!

"I'm sick of all of this. I need a way out. I can't please everybody. I'm not ready for the future. Nightmares so many nightmares. Even the people I try to tell my problems to...it's not enough. No one understands or even tries to understand because i'm a lost cause. "

Lolz, Stop that. Silly boy. x3
You aren't the only one with these problems <:
Trust me..

I'm sick of this s**t. I'm sick of everyone complaining. I'm sick of people thinking I can help them. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my life.
You're right, no one understands. No one ever will. That's something we both need to get used to.

Don't even get me started on nightmares x3
I have them every damn time I sleep.

Also. Don't complain about not having "next to no one" >> I'm sure if your "one" found out. There would be none and then you'd really have something to be sad about.

"I never come first all my life i've been pushed around life isn't fair at all. "
BULLSHIT! CALLED IT XD I used to put you first all the time :3
Not anymore though.

"I HATE THIS STUPID SITE. I'm so pissed off and depressed."
Then don't come. Or look at things that will make you sad.
And yes.. you know what I'm talking about e.e;


Okay well I'm done.
And no.. nothing was taken in the wrong way x3
I just find it funny.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

It was all taken in the wrong way Amber.

I just said I was just ranting.

Do you not know what a rant is?

Your so double sided. One minute your telling me I can trust you and when I finally do you stab me in the back.

I mean I know you a sadist and all but give a guy a break. It was never meant to be replied to like that i'm not getting pissed about anything i'm just venting.

Make up your ******** mind Amber. Do you want me as a friend or not? Because you say one thing and then do the exact opposite, this is a prime example.

I never said you didn't have problems but guess what? Life isn't all about you either.

And as for putting me first. YEAH. You definetely put me first, WHEN YOU ******** BROKE UP WITH ME.

Yeah you care a s**t load to reply like you did to this, something I never intended to be replied to especially when I apoligized and told you I was just venting.

Your really cool.  

[Lady Kira X]

THIS.. is what makes me want to not give a flying ******** about you.

Seriously. Not everything is ******** about YOU either.
So dont you ******** dare say s**t to me.


Yeah, you can rant and vent ALLLL you ******** want.
Guess what, I'll do it right back.


And yeah. I am ******** Cool. Thanks ;3  

[Insanity Sparkles]

And this is the reason I have a very hard time trusting you in the first place and actually believing you when you say you care.

When push comes to shove, your the first one to blame someone else and get pissed.

How about instead of putting me down your ******** talk it out with me? Something we've never done before. O:

Hell who knows, maybe it could work. Maybe if we were on the same page I wouldn't do the s**t that I do.

Maybe and this is just a big MAYBE, but maybe we could actually have LESS problems if you TALKED to me and I didn't have to get you attention with these stupid little drama episodes.

Because your not the only one who's tired all ******** day Amber.

And believe me when I say AT LEAST I TRIED TO CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. Ever since we started talking you haven't given s**t to mine.

And most my problems are derived from you, honey.  

[Lady Kira X]

Awwwwwwwww.... :3

 

[Insanity Sparkles]

Surprisingly the more we fight on the less stressed i'm actually feeling. o-o

I don't know if your serious about all this s**t or not, but this is really helping me I feel like a burden is being lifted Amber; I really do.

So how long are you going to keep up this lie of not caring before we start talking againa nd you say you care?

How you can't "help but care about people who are mean to you no matter how bad they treat you you'll always care about them".

Now that's a big "Awwwwwwwwww. :3"  

[Insanity Sparkles]

And another thing, I love how you keep saying your "tired of all my bullshit" but you know it takes two to tango baby.

I can b***h all I want it's you who seems to be greatly offended by it. even if no harm is intended, you made it personal with your little smart a** remarks.

Always gives me the warm fuzzies inside. :3

Lol you can say you don't care all you want Amber whatever helps you sleep at night.

But you know and now I know the only reason your taking offense like you are is because what i'm saying is true.

Deny it all you want but if this didn't hit a soft spot you wouldn't have bothered replying at all.