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This guild is intended for those who have a love of the fantasy genre, perhaps a growing interest in it, and for those who write in it. 

Tags: Fantasy, Writing, RPGs, Magic, Myth 

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Need help!!! Moonlit Petals

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LittleWolf Imaginer

PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 11:04 am


I'm having trouble to start my novel... But this is what I have thus far: (not much, I know)

It was a clear spring's night. The first warm night in what felt like a century. The glorious full moon reigned over he darkening blue while her children opened their eyes and yawned. The sun kissed his puffy clouds goodbye, causing them to blush all shades of pink and yellow. Perhaps the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen...

~ any comments and advise (even ideas) will be appretiated... 3nodding
~ please note that my original home language is Afrikaans and not English, but I'm trying my very best.
~ I'm eager to learn so please help me!?

Moonlit Petals is about a girl (Ayami Takahashi, based on me) who is a sorceress, but has yet to discover that secret. She's on the stage when she wants to find herself and the deeper she dig, the more "visible" she becomes to the bad guys (demons, such as The beast of Gevaudan)...
Tell me if it's a good idea and a good entry paragraph, please? And then I'll seee if I'd like to continue... (please help me with my writing style as well?)

Thank you 4laugh
PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 12:35 pm


Here's a short discription of my main character:

Name: Ayami Takahashi (I know in Japanese they usually swap it the other way around, but it just sounds better ths way)
Race: Mythrailian (The world she origins from is called Mythrailia)
Social status: She acts accordingly to her current mood, so her school mates don't know in which stereotype to put her in. In Mythrailia she is admired as a heroine.
Physical description: User Image
Personality: INFP idealist... (Introvert iNtuitive Feeling Percieving)
Family: unknown for now
Boyfriend or Girlfriend or single: Single at the moment, but future boyfriend is Lloyde (vampire angel) User Image
Friends: Tomoko (based on my 'best' friend in real life, a demon shapeshifter) User Image
Place where S/he lives: don't know... (It has to have summercamps, a spooky mansion, a lot of cute houses and neat parks, and a central square with a fountain, etc.)
Skills: Ayami is an Energy Mage, the most powerful of all mages and the last of her kind.
Likes: studieng, reading, silence, being loved and accepted, listening and helping others, exploring, pizza and the food the fortune teller (Lloyde's foster mom) makes.
Dislikes: being teased, consistent conflict between loved ones, fighting/killing without good reason, hates her values to be violated, insulted and critisized.
Way of speaking: She usually listens, but when among friends or other introverts she takes lead in conversations (trying to keep it alive). When she is talking/listening to someone she looks them straight in the eyes or at their lips (when moving), if not she'll be looking at their hand gestures. She tends to lower her gaze when frowned apon and wears a blank expression when teased or insulted.
Other: Miu is Ayami's familiar who always supports her. User Image

LittleWolf Imaginer


Vaporeae

PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 8:21 am


Please try not to bump. Don't worry about no one coming, this place can be quite inactive sometimes, with only a handful of people actually posting.

It would help if you had a bit more for us to read. Because that's only a few small sentences, so we can't tell if it gets better further in. But, so far, I thought that it seemed pretty stereotypical with the opening sentence. I can't say much, my novel 'One Star' starts with a similar sentence, but maybe try starting in the middle of action, or dialogue? Or try not to start with the typical 'It was a bright, sunny day' type sentences. Because your first sentence reminded me of that. And who is 'her'? Unless you're talking about the moon and the stars (if so, nice personification there).

But, yeah, why not try what I've suggested? I don't know, there wasn't too much to work with. and remember, you can always change it if you don't like how it starts. This isn't the final piece; I've changed my opening paragraphs I don't know how many times.

Hope I helped! whee
PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:20 am


Thank you for you help, hope this part is a little more satisfying:


I lowered my gaze and looked upon the silenced fountain. The reflection of the heavens swam across the surface along with mine. A young girl stared back at me from the sparkling waters. Her jade-colored eyes glistened like jewels in the moonlight. Transparent, salty liquid formed neat snail tracks down her rosy cheeks.
The night breeze took wing and sent a delicate pink petal to disrupt the still surface. One of the tears plunged into the water beside the petal, creating miniature tidal waves rippling to the sides.
The girl's face, embraced by her flowing, white hair, dissolved. At least I was a bit stronger than my reflection. I glanced up at the blackening heavens and inhaled the blossom-scented air.



~ Don't have much time to type the rest now, but please post again? Next time I'll post some action...

LittleWolf Imaginer


hypnocrown
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 12:00 pm


You know, maybe I'm a big dummy but I am not sure I understand what's going on in that paragraph you posted. Is this the part where she's gonna discover her powers or what? Oh and, what kind of sorceress are you planing her to become? The concept seems quite interesting, just FYI...
PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 9:54 am


Well, the structure and words you use are good. The writing itself is very good, and fine for just describing your character (which is obviously the purpose), but we still don't know much. As for your writing style, I like how descriptive it all is; very poetic style. I'll look forward to reading action; I love action ^-^ !

Well, I have another idea for the opening. Are you having a prologue? Because they can be good ways to begin in the middle of action, or drama. Like you could have the antagonist plotting their evil plans and such. I just thought of that, and I thought it might be good. Prologues can be very helpful to either get the reader drawn in, or to leak other information about your character; in my current project (which is called 'When Life Ends') the prologe shows the characters birth, and reveals information that the protagonist himself doesn't even know.

The plot sounds interesting, but what do the 'bad guys' (which really can't be ALL bad) want to do? Why do they want her (I'm assuming they want her)? Just because some more information would be helpful.

And no problem ^-^ . It's nice to help other people for once, a lot of the time I'm the one getting the help ^-^;; .

Hypno; I think that last paragraph is probably just for describing the main character whee

Vaporeae

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