Welcome to Gaia! ::

alright, I have some advice for you....

One, if you would happen to reread this and make another draft I would cut down the amount by at least 10% (so 90% of your original story is still there). That way you can one: leave some imagination for the reader and two: keep it running and smooth. For example, one could say: "I could tell by the sound of his voice that something was horribly wrong". One way you can cut that down is by saying: 'His voice was all I needed to know something terrible has happened' (and then add some dialog to expand the the thought)

Two: Don't use adverbs, unless nothing else would fit there. For one, most adverbs are just repeating what the reader is thinking. One could say "I am completely normal". Well, ok, thats great that your 'completely' normal, how about "I'm a normal person". Now, there are times when adverbs are a must, like in dialog. If your character would say "Golly, that hurt badly" then its a keeper. Another time you can use adverbs is when you use some words that don't end in 'ly', such as 'yesterday' and 'far'. Those you want to keep.


My final word is about 'no-no' words. No-no words should never be used in a story, or any writing in that matter (unless you wish to be a picture story book author). This includes: really, must, so (only in the beginning of a sentence), like, stuff, things, just, kind of, sort of, and totally. Of course this doesn't imply to dialog. This is just a small list and with age you will be able to add on to this list.


Now that I've beaten that to a pulp, let me tell you how great of a plot you've gotten. I really sense something here, it just needs a little adjusting here or there. I would hope that you will continue to write and perfect your writing skills, some times with age skills will come (I learned the majority of my skill from high school). Just keep writing and the skill will come!