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 Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 2:16 pm
Hi Geezers. A very good friend of mine (since 7th grade) called me 2 weeks ago from detox and asked me for money. Over the years we have remained friends but his life if very different from mine. He is a gay man living on the West Coast by the skin of his teeth and I am a straight married woman with 3 children living in the suburbs. When he called me and asked me for money, I was initially stunned and after discussing the situation with my husband we decided we couldn't give him the substantial amount of money he was asking for because we have 3 children to support and frankly I don't think my friend is being truthful with me and I can't trust him if he's all strung out. He has a steady boyfriend that I've met once and they plan on getting married. This boyfriend spent some time in a detention facility and I don't know if this marriage is a good idea (none of my business though). My question (I guess) is whether or not to support my friend again even though I know he is making another mistake in his long history of life mistakes?
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Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 7:01 pm
If you can't find the cash to support him, I think you're answer is pretty much black and white.
Your kids come first - if your friend can't understand that, then that's just another lesson he'll have to learn.
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 6:45 pm
There are actually two answers (at least!!) to your question.
One- should you support him - financially? I agree it's a no. Besides the fact that you have to think of your children there is also the fact that you suspect him of being untruthful. Just the fact that you suspect that says a lot. Also, from personal experience, constantly helping someone through money doesn't do them any good. They never seem to catch up, or learn. Of course this isn't true in all cases, but if your friend is a adult who intends to be married and make his own choices he needs to grow up and take care of himself.
Two- should you support him - emotionally? That I think is a harder question. Obviously you _want_ to be a good friend and help as best you can, and hopefully he takes your advice, suggestions, etc. well. Things like helping him get in touch with support agencies and the like. And just listening to him and treating him like a human being. And if you are insisting that he act like a real adult you'll have to treat him as one, tell him of your concerns and let it go. Unfortunately that kind of effort can be very draining, especially if he doesn't take your refusal to help him financially well, or interprets your efforts as patronizing.
I wish you luck. I hope he really is getting better and that your friendship survives!
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