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 Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 6:50 pm
 So your here and on your way to success. Reading this must mean you have stumbled upon that special lady in your life. You know the one im talking about, the one that keeps you up at night so that you have to sleep in weird positions to avoid being uncomfortable. Well here are ten steps to success, from me Boogaloo Burns. 1. Say your lady likes to talk alot on the phone. You and her are on the phone, gabbing away. When bam, all of a sudden, you are attacked, or so she thinks. Start yelling and screaming and slamming objects. If you have a lady friend, get her to start yelling at you "How could you ever leave me!" Things of that nature. If you dont have a lady friend, turn on Fatal Attraction with Glenn Close, turn it up really loud. Ok after a few minutes of putting her through this, just say in a heavy breathe, I got to go. There you go BAM instant jealousy, fear for your safety, and a loving embrace awaiting you the next day. 2. So the next day your now in a warm loving embrace, exchanging kisses with the girl that makes you sleep alone on your side at night. She trys to comfort you, and in the back of her mind she is wondering what great a lover you must of been to have caused this woman to go so crazy over you. That is when you lay it on her. Tell her then thanks for the support, but that its only making it harder for you to make your decision, between her and her ex. Also, that you need a few days alone, to think about this, and mull things over on your own. These next few days, go to parties and get wasted. This way friends will tell her about how you are so upset and drinking. 3. When you tell someone they cant have something, it always makes them want it even more. Well the something she thinks she cant have, is now you. Also you have brought out her caring loving side, so she is also now worried about you. So these next couple of days, shes just going to be moping around waiting for you to call or text. Wait two or three days, and call her up, dont tell her anything about your "decision" except that you would like to see her soon. Meet her and take her out to an Ihop, there you will order blueberry pancakes. (REMEMBER this is crucial for step four.) She will tell you how she has been worried about you as she plays with a piece of bacon. 4. Ok, so now the blueberry pancakes come into play. Get blueberry juice and make a stain on your shirt. Doesnt matter how you do it, just let her see you do it. She may even help you wipe it off, just make sure she notices.
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:21 am
So you have read the first four steps, and you were inspired. So here you are back for more. Well before we get on to the next three steps, let me fill you guys in on a little secret. Burning cow bones and buying extenze will not get you a woman. That is all rumors, to get your hopes up, when the only thing your gonna get up, is an erection. To achieve true happiness, listen to ole Burnsy.
5. You have just gave your dame a wet kiss on the cheek and left her in the Ihop parking lot. But dont go straight home. Now go to a store, and pick up these items. Pick up about 10-15 light colored shirts (you can buy a whole pack of pocket tees),the CD Peace Love and Death Metal, and a bottle of Blueberry Syrup/Jelly. Go home, put on the new cd, listen to "I Only Want You" and "Speaking in tongues" in particular. Take out your shirts and syrup, and make small stains similar to the one on your shirt. Wash these shirts now, but make sure they are all still stained, load them up and get them ready to be given away. Ok so lets say this fine young woman that your sporting for works at a coffee shop, or some other kind of store. You have now given out your shirts to alot of friends, and asked random people to wear them when they go to where she works. Now all day long, she is seeing shirts with a stain just like yours from Ihop, now you are on her mind even more than before.
6. So your bombardment of her workplace has been going of for a few days, and shes calling and stopping by more often, the two of you are hanging out more, and everythings swell. Or so she thinks. If you truly want to keep her around for the long haul, here is what truly counts. Buy yourself a handgun, with laser sight, and a spear. Give these to a really close friend, I mean a friend you trust with your life. Ok, so now get her to meet her at your house, to watch a dvd, like the first season of Fraggle Rock. Just as Gobo and Mokey start going into some sort of conversation, the two of you hear glass shattering, and a spear comes flying in and sticks into your wall. A man comes around the corner and shoots you in the leg, and arm, then takes a few things, and leaves. She is now hysterical and calling an ambulance to come help you. Success, you and her have now shared a life threatening event, making your bond even stronger. (The laser sight was to make sure your friend didnt miss, and hit you in the head or something, that couldve been ugly.)
7. So now your laying in a hospital bed, munching on some fresh chocolate chip cookies your lovely lady has made you. She the whole while is holding your hand and never leaves your side. When you get a call on your cell phone, and its your "ex", and she wants to visit you in the hospital.
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:22 am
Ok, so you have had yourself shot, id say that you were pretty serious about pulling this girl in for the long haul. Here on steps 8-10 you will make sure she never leaves your embrace. Steps 8-10 have been compiled into one large step, because honestly, I couldnt think of how to split this up into three steps. Now dont doubt the system, youll soon be riding off into the sunset in a Buick with you lady at your side.
8-10. So your ex has called, and shes coming by to visit you in the hospital one day. The day you should plan for her to come, is the day that you are going to get released, and that the doctors have you all stitched up and your lady is ready to load you up and take you home. So when she comes by, have her bring your friend "the robber", here are some things they will need. Chloroform, Rope, two bandanas, Fleetwood Mac Rumours, and a key to your house/apartment. Have your ex come in and start a big commotion, that ends with your special dames back to the door. Your friend will come in, wearing a ski mask, with the bandana dabbed with a bit of chloroform, and knock your lady out then drag her to his car. He will then take her back to your apartment, tie her up with the rope, and place the other bandana around her eyes as a blindfold. Now that she is in your apartment, have your friends play "The Chain" off of rumours, on repeat. Recorded on it will be a sub-sonic message that says, "Cherish YOUR NAME forever", "Keep YOUR NAME in your life" things like that etc. As she is sitting, in your apartment, tied up. You are now at the hospital checking out, and about to come home and "rescue" her. Before you come and rescue her, make sure you have that handgun from earlier, a bottle of mountain dew, an alka seltzer and two drinking glasses. Now your at your apartment door, and you open it up quietly, now jump up and stomp the ground like youve just kicked the door in. Throw one of the drinking glasses onto the ground, making it shatter and cause a loud crash. Have your friend and ex start saying they will kill your lady friend, all the while you are handing them the mountain dew bottle, now with an alka seltzer ready to burst. Fire the gun out the door, simultaneously while your friend opens the mountain dew bottle, and have it splash all over your lady friend, who now thinks she is covered in blood. Have your friend fall to the floor, throw the other glass down, have it shatter, cause scuffle around alot causing noise, fire another shot out the door, another thud from your ex as she hits the floor. Now untie your lady's legs, and only her legs. Grab her by the arm and take her to your car. Drive her around the block a couple of times. While you are out driving have your friends, clean up the glass and mountain dew. Your friend "the robber", will now need to go home and change into his cop costume he wore to halloween a few years back. Your girl may say she tastes mountain dew, say you shot the guy through a drink he was holding. Unblindfold her, and go back to your apartment, there you will call the "cops" aka your friend. He will come over and take information on the whole event, say you shot them, but dont think you killed anyone. The next day, have your friend come over as the cop and say that your ex is dead from injuries sustained during the struggle. But that she has told about the whole event and no charges will be filed against you.
A few days later mail a funeral invitation to yourself from the "ex's" family. Your girl will say how she cant believe they have the nerve to invite you to go, tell her your not going to go. There is no possible way she will leave you now, you are her hero, and the two of you have been through so much together. Proceed to enter your Buick and drive off into the sunset and commence dancing.
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 1:05 pm
no one reads my s**t, i see how it is.
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tiny broken fingers Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 4:03 pm
I read it.
I was just an a*****e and didn't comment. biggrin
s**t's pretty good, though. Mind if I use this when you're done? Or, if there's any way to avoid the part where I get shot?
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 7:57 pm
I also read it and didn't comment, sorry bro.
But I was seriously amused by this.
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 8:04 pm
oh i see, i see.
8-10 are up lol.
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 8:13 pm
Damn, you put a lot of thought into this. This is pure win.
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tiny broken fingers Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 9:33 pm
I roll on d20s Damn, you put a lot of thought into this. This is pure win. im not sure if you know that im bullshitting or not.
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Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:33 pm
I didn't want to post before the whole thing was up. I thought it would ruin the mystique of it all.
In other news, some a*****e left gardening gloves on my desk. Who the ******** would do such a thing? I don't even garden.
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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 2:51 am
Hect I didn't want to post before the whole thing was up. I thought it would ruin the mystique of it all. In other news, some a*****e left gardening gloves on my desk. Who the ******** would do such a thing? I don't even garden. That a*****e, was trying to tell you to get off Gaia, and do something productive for once. The earth is dying. Oh and its through now.
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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 3:11 am
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Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 10:43 am
ManwithnoName Hect I didn't want to post before the whole thing was up. I thought it would ruin the mystique of it all. In other news, some a*****e left gardening gloves on my desk. Who the ******** would do such a thing? I don't even garden. That a*****e, was trying to tell you to get off Gaia, and do something productive for once. The earth is dying. Oh and its through now. I figured it out. Apparently one of my parents thought I should have work gloves for some nonexistent future point in my life. So they decided to leave them right on my ******** desk. I was like, "***** please, I's in college. I ain't need dis s**t fo' no reason. I be straight chillin'." Then I threw them into the hallway and proceeded to study for six hours straight for the exam that I had today. I didn't need to study that much, it was way too easy. Now I'm ******** exhausted, since I haven't slept in nearly 24 hours. I also hate myself and the world, and probably will fall down the stairs when I go take make myself a sandwich (which some woman should be doing for me). I don't even plan on making a sandwich, that reference was inserted purely so I could add the womanizing joke, and I'm not even a true womanizer. I'm probably just going to have a bowl of ******** ******** ******** ******** OUT MY a**
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Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 6:38 pm
this is amazing and has been reposted.
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Posted: Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:24 am
DolphinizedTuna this is amazing and has been reposted. reposted? lol
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