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Since september I've been really Depressed. My friends abandoned me. We still talk, but I never hear from them. Parties happen and I'm not invited by them. My bithday was ignored, and we never...talk. I found solace in my boyfriend Aka : John. We were together every weekend and vaca day from Sept. - now.

He got me interested in the skii team, which I started loving. Everything seemed to slowly getting better. But...

John has CDS. Everyweek or so he gets very depressed. He cuts himself, yells, gets really, really unhappy.

He talks about suicide, tells me the best ways to kill yourself. Things like that.

After about 3 weeks, I noticed how I started to start thinking about suicide constantly. My friends abandoning me...being bullied relentlessly in school, getting yelled at by parents, failing classes, i started to cut once and a while.

It felt good...I haven't done it for more then a week, but when i did do it, it made me feel like i was still here.

Today I crashed. John and I were playing games with the Skii Team, when I noticed he started to stop smiling, moving slowly - acting like he did when he was very depressed. I went over to him and asked if he was alright.

He didn't answer, i asked again, no answer. I asked again a little while later. He told me to ******** off.

Our coach turned to him and said "I feel like your heart's not in the game" John said "******** you" and gave him the middle finger.

Online I asked if he was okay - I've gotten into a routine kinda, of what to do when he's depressed. He told me to ******** off.

I kept pressing, he told me to screw off.

Later he started cursing at me.

I felt horrible, I wanted to die. I never felt so strongly about commiting suicide before.

I wanted to do it. I didn't want to deal with him hating me. I'm not sure what to do.. I promised someone that I wouldn't commit suicide unless John did, but I keep getting so depressed.....

The only thing that deals with this kind of stuff is Four Winds....

John's been there. He describes it as an "insane asylum" People there are confined to a room all day long, with hardly any human contact, they're shuffled around and watched constantly like live stock.

If that's were I have to go....I don't know what I'd do, but I wouldn't stay here...

I think a therapist would be good for you.
While you may not like this I think you should break up with John because it seems a lot like much of this depression is coming from him. Him cussing at you and getting angry at you for concern is actually a sign that he may become abusive in the future, he is already verbally abusive and you may not think that is much but it in my eyes is as bad as physical abuse. You may think that you can't because then you'll be alone, the truth is I think you will be better off with out him. Also try joining some groups where you can get some friends, I don't know what is around you but I'll name off some things that are around where I live, there is a biker group which does charity work and helps out the town, there are several church groups, things such as that would probably help you.

I've talking to theropists and things like that....My school thinks i'm insane because i wrote a columbine like poen, and i'm being attacked by Guidance consolors and theropists. I went to a phychiatrist in 5th grade, and he didn't do anything..... confused

Just because you went in 5th grade doesn't mean seeing a professional therapist/psychologist/counsellor won't help you now. You are physically and mentally more mature than you were in grade 5, so maybe things have changed since then.

I do agree that your boyfriend needs therapy/anger management of some sort, because being depressed is no excuse for him to take it out on you like that. And as Lock already said, for all you/we know, it could be a sign that he will continue to be abusive towards you in the future. Why put yourself through that risk and that pain unecessarily?

I also think that if his home life is so bad, he should do something about it to change his life. If he's 18, and out of high school, that's old enough to get a job and make his own income. Tell him to be responsible and take control of his life, instead of sitting around being depressed. No one can help him, even you, until he decides to want to help himself.

And in reply to your post in your other thread in the Relationship Subforum:

It's fine, no harm done at all. heart You're not in any sort of trouble, so don't worry about it. I'm leaving both threads up, because they both have advice. In the future, if you or someone else makes repeat threads, I'll delete one (as per the new rule). But this is fine. smile

Ah ok, sorry, I didn't know his parents were still paying for him to go to college. He can still get a job and move out though, if he's a legal adult and can legally live on his own. He doesn't have to get his own house - he could rent a bedroom or part of a basement suite, etc. He doesn't need a car if his city has public transit, like buses, etc.

Suicide is bad. Do not do it. See, I'm disencouraging you from going suicide.

You shoudl really confide in your friends though. Often times, I find a good sense of secuirity in the ones i love and trust. If you don't want them to get you help, just ask them not to. If you can trust them, I would spill everything to them. They will just sit and listen. Point of the matter is, confide in the ones who love you, the ones who you trust. 3nodding