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 Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:06 pm
Asadaki was sitting outside the den while he let Ylva sleep inside. He hadn't been able to sleep since the night he had told her about his pack and what it had been like to live there... she had taken it all in stride and done her best to help him. It hadn't been much, but it had meant something to him... But inside now, he felt like all the walls were closing in on him. Even though being outside terrified him... being alone inside with no where to run was beginning to get to him too.
Now he was almost completely healed from his wounds... on the outside anyway. Soon, he wouldn't have any excuses to stay with Ylva anymore. No more reason to stay around the other person he had felt safe with since... since he had first met Kavu. Someone he had thought stronger and wiser than he was...
What would he do when he left? Perhaps find a real cliff... one that he wouldn't survive this time. Finally wash the shame of all he had done wrong off himself... maybe in death he would finally be able to get Kavu's face out of his head. The worst of all betrayals... or perhaps hide Pack would finally find and punish him for what he had done. He almost wished they would. He deserved it. He deserved all of it.
But Ylva... he didn't want to leave her alone. And she had been so lonely, he could feel it whenever she was around him. The destroyed trust that was inside her, he was sure of it. As much as he wanted to punish himself for the wrongs in his past... leaving her almost seemed like a new betrayal to add to his growing list of them. Would he really be able to convince himself to leave her...?
No. Maybe he could... make her want him to go? He had almost hoped she would kick him out after seeing what a coward and a fool he was... but she hadn't. Perhaps if he told her... told her his shame... she would make him leave. She would want nothing more to do with him... She would understand why he deserved to die.
Then she wouldn't want him anymore.
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:21 pm
Ylva had not really noticed Asa's lack of sleep. She slept like a baby most of the time. It wasn't til she woke up from a cold breeze blowing in the den did she notice him gone.
Her face morphed into a scowl as she looked this and that way. Where the hell could he have gotten off to? The last time Ylva checked the boy hated to leave the den. With a tired sigh she got up on all fours and began sniffing the cavern floor.
Strange... it lead upwards? Up Ylva went , clearly, not happy about having to go up this tunnel so late at night... or early in the morning. The hyena didn't know or care. Right now she needed to find Asa and beat him up or something.
Okay so she could never beat up Asa. But that didn't mean she couldn't be mad. There, out side the den, was Asa when Ylva reached the top. She approached.
"... You know I begged you to go up with me a few days ago and you about died then..." The scowl grew deeper.
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:37 pm
Asa shivered a little when Ylva spoke to him. She usually slept a little longer than that... he knew. He never slept anymore. So close to catatonia he suprised himself sometimes... "I couldn't stand it in there anymore." He whispered, "Trapped... Sorry. I'm all over the place again. I don't mean to be. I'm just... feeling better, I suppose." He whispered, "I just... I guess I should get used to it... being outside again... no excuse to stay in soon..."
Should he tell her? Should he tell her why he deserved to die? What he had allowed to happen? To himself, to his sister... to their whole lives. It made the pack look like... No. No he had killed them all. It was his fault. But this... this had happened to him. Something horrible that he had let happen to his sister... that he had let happen to him... would she be able to stand the sight of him?
His failure... even he had trouble living with it. "Sorry, I'm rambling... as always... I... I don't mean to."
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:43 pm
Ylva shook her head and some of the anger faded. He was Asa after all she couldn't be all the way mad at him. He was so pathetic sometimes and self punishing... to punish him more would be like kicking a puppy or throwing rocks at glass. Asa was to fragile right now and the wrong move may send him running. Ylva knew this so her anger slowly seeped away. Slowly.
"Nah your fine kid, " She sighed and shook her head once more trying to drain the anger out of her some more. " You have a right to be out of the cavern if you want. I think ... its a big step for you."
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:02 pm
Asa glanced over at her sadly, "No, it really isn't. It's just more fear that never goes away. More worry and sadness and... I hate it Ylva. I hate that I'm weak and that I couldn't protect anyone I cared about... I couldn't even protect myself. All because I was so desperate to find someone who would love me... who didn't want me to kill them... I never wanted to kill anyone. Or hurt anyone... but no matter what I do I can't escape..." He laughed, a weak frail thing.
"Don't you understand Ylva? I lost her. Dabiku... he took her away, just to prove that he could... just because he saw me and he wanted to hurt me... to take everything I loved, everything I was... he told me what I'd done killed them all... and he was right. He made me trust him... he made me trust him..." Now that he'd started, how could he stop?
"How can you trust anyone ever again after what he did? He convinced me he was my friend... he was the first person I ever really trusted... I loved Dabiku, but I knew what she wanted me to do... I could never trust her with everything that happened. I could tell him everything... I was so stupid..."
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 8:58 pm
Ylva shook her head and fought the urge to jump on Asa and beat some sense into him. She just looked at him with uneasy eyes for a while. Guilt.. had nearly ended his life and the way he explained it just made Ylva feel sick. Sick for him. None of this was his fault but he continued to force him self to believe that it really was. How sad and cruel. Though... who was he?
"What are you talking about Asa? Who took her away?" She took a stern step forward. Energy rolled off her back, the seeping anger, now turned to deep concern. If some one was after Asa she'd end their life.
Ylva had powerful jaws and a big size on her side. She feared no one. Even when the hyena had reason to fear another she never backed down.
You wouldn't guess it from looking at her scareless body but she'd been in her fair share of stand offs at least. Being a single female some times attracted unwanted..... male attention.
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 9:14 pm
"His name..." Asa stopped a moment. He hadn't said his name... not since he had begged him to stop... since he had threatened to kill him... since he had lost everything... "Barakavu. Kavu..." He let his head loll forward, "He was my friend... charming... friendly... he listened to me... to everything I said... gave me advice... kept on getting closer to me as I told him everything about me... all my secrets... all my fears..." Until Asa had finally given himself over. How easy it had been to take his heart... all Kavu needed to be was a shoulder to lean on. He could have been anyone, it wouldn't have mattered. All he had to do was be kind to Asa... he hadn't had any idea that it was all a trick. Some sick pleasure, a game for Kavu... To get his hands on the twins. To say he had them both.
"We were... he and I..." Asa turned away, "He and I were lovers. Gods above, I was so foolish... I should have seen what he was doing... he could have been anyone... male, female, it didn't matter to me... I just wanted someone to be kind to me... I just wanted someone to tell me I had done the right thing." He laughed, a pathetic sound. "He did. Everything I wanted to hear. I should have seen it... no one can be that..." He ran his paws over his face, blindly furious for a moment, "No one can be that kind. No one that trustworthy. I should have known he was taking every one of my secrets so that he could hurt me..." But who did that? Who besides Kavu could be cruel enough to simply take everything someone told them and turn it against them?
"He followed me, stayed with me... helped me take care of Biku... and then one day..." One day Kavu had raped his sister. The only one who ever really meant anything to him. Biku hadn't known any better. "She thought he was a God. She didn't even know to fight back. Not until I found them... not until she realized that he tricked her... she begged him to stop..."
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 9:27 pm
Ylva's ears flattened close to her skull in pure anger and outrage hearing what had happened to brother and sister. All the pieces now feel into place and now she knew what had pushed Asa to the point of trying to hill him self. A low growl rumbled in her throat and her teeth shown from under her up curled lip. Ylva's eyes flashed for one second the eyes of pure hatred, the eyes of a beast. Quickly though Ylva bleed back into her eyes but the anger was clear. She wanted blood. She wanted to to hunt down this b*****d Kavu and rip his throat out and lap up his blood as she watched him spit , gurgle, and choke on it.
"Asa, " Her voice was a low growl, "No wonder the gods, if there really are gods, let you survive. You have a purpose to be here. " She turned her head away from him for a moment . The anger was rolling all around her aura and it was so thick she could taste it. The hatred for this Asa burned at her heart, soft flames licking at her making her spite grow but this was not her fight. No, this was Asa's and she could not steal his revenge away from him. Everything else had already been stolen. No, Ylva couldn't end Kavu's life no mater how much she wanted to. This was Asa's job.
"So what ever you do get it in that thick head of yours you have to stop running away Asa. . . " Her voice was softer now but it was still bristled with anger.
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 9:48 pm
"I did..." Asa whispered, laughing. He didn't even have to force it, but it was more hysteria than anything else at that point. "Once I settled down Biku... I went after him... I swore I'd kill him. I attacked him... we fought... and he won." He stopped laughing then, his whole body ridgid. "I lost... I tried to face him and I lost... I was so angry... so furious over his betrayal... what he had done to her... I thought I had no chance of losing... I was in the right... I should have won... I never even thought that I..." He hung his head in shame.
"He was better than I was. He laughed... kept beating me down until I couldn't move... until I couldn't fight back... then he..." The hardest part. Cruel enough that Kavu had betrayed his trust. That he had raped his sister. But the real reason behind the suicide-attempt. The real reason he wanted to die so badly. Why he felt so dirty and used and worthless. "He made sure that I'd never forget him... that I belonged to him..."
No. No he had to say it. She had to know how worthless he was. Why he didn't deserve to live. Asa's mind had settled on the fact that he didn't deserve to live the moment Kavu... the moment that b*****d had... "He raped me too... I couldn't even... I was such a fool. Such an idiot... I let this happen. I let this happen!" He turned away, unable to even look at Ylva now. His shame. The worst shame... he wished Kavu had just killed him.
But just killing had never been enough for Kavu. He had to take all of a person. Dabiku, Asadaki, whoever else Kavu had hurt... he had to take everything they had and prove it wasn't theirs anymore.
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 10:02 pm
The wave of anger was back in a firey flash. Hot waves of anger swarmed in and around Ylva. But it was more directed at Asa now. It was directed at him for giving up and throwing in the towel and just accepting fate.
She growled and took another step closer. The female's mane was bristled and her tail puffed out. Ylva looked something fierce.
"Asa," Her voice was the rumbling low it had been before, "You just gonna accept that he raped you? You got beat up and you got raped so you tried to finish the job for him? Don't be such a b*****d. So what if you got knocked down. " She had to face the other way. The burning anger was turning into hot tears. She couldn't let him see her with weakened eyes.
"You are right to feel shame for your past Asa," Her voice quivered a little, " But if you think you have the right to give up the fight then you really are worthless. Don't think your the only person on the god damned planet that has felt such shame and loss. Your lucky to be alive and you damn well better work to get stronger and better.." She let out a huff of air , " If you don't, so help me god or gods, I'll make your life a worse hell then you could ever imagine. Remember you belong to me not Kavu."
She turned to face him. Her face strange and distant and harsh.
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 10:17 pm
Now it was Asadaki's turn to get angry. Something snapped inside his head that he hadn't expressed before, "What? You think you know me? YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE!? The only thing he couldn't take from me was my life! I couldn't let him have that too! Not when I'd lost everything else! The only person I'd ever trusted betrayed me in every way he could! I let him near my sister! I couldn't protect her! I failed her as a brother just like I failed everyone else who ever stepped into my life! You might own my body, because you saved that, but there's nothing left here! No soul! He took it from me! I'm broken! I'm worthless! There's nothing left! NOTHING!"
He stepped away, trying to fight off tears, "All you got was Kavu's leftovers. Nothing worth keeping. I AM in hell Ylva! Every day all I see is hell, and it just keeps getting worse! I can't breathe! I can't think because he's all that's there!" Angry. He had never gotten angry over what had happened to him. Depressed, sucidal... he had given up. He hadn't cared what happened to him after that. But he had never gotten angry. He had never cursed the Gods and everyone else for what had happened. He hadn't even blamed Kavu.
He had only blamed himself. That had destroyed him.
"I never accepted what he did to me, or to Biku... but I couldn't let him have anything else...!" He had jumped because at least he could take his own life. At least then Kavu wouldn't have been the one to kill him. He wouldn't let him have the satisfaction. "And then you saved me and now you have my life! I don't have anything left!"
Asa stopped his whole body shaking, "I... don't have anything left... I'm nothing. That's all." He flinched away from her, turning to leave, "You have every right to think I'm a worthless coward. I couldn't protect my sister... I couldn't even help myself. So hate me. HATE ME! It's what I deserve!"
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Posted: Thu Jul 16, 2009 10:32 pm
Ylva never faulted even when he snapped on her and him self. She just watched him behind cold blue eyes and took his lashings. Surprisingly , Ylva let him yell and get angry and start to walk away.
Her shoulders loosened and her hair unbristled as his back turned. She watched a little half amused at what she had just seen.
"Well what do you know," Her voice was lined with a bit of optimism, " The hyena has a bite after all. " She sat down in the grass and watched his back side.
" You know... you never took the time to find out about me. I may not know what goes on in your little head but you don't know a thing about me Asa. You don't know who or what I am and where I've come from or if I had a family at one point." She sighed and smiled. Why was she smiling, " I sat back and played the ear to you but you never once returned the favor. So how can you say I don't know what its like to lose everything Asa? Tell me how?"
She tilted her head, " I don't hate you Asa. I could never hate you." She got up stretched and turned her back on him starting for the tunnel. She paused and looked back, "Asa, I return your life back to you.. I just hope you do what really needs to be done and for once stop thinking about just your self." She sighed and started off again.
Man she felt stupid right now for giving him his life back. But ... he was right. What right did she really have to it? He was mostly better now and besides he never really gave a damn about her. At least that's how she felt. She wouldn't go through another heart ache of getting to know some one only to watch them die. No, if he wanted to be selfish fine.
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2009 4:35 pm
Asa froze up, "I never did... did I?" So wrapped up in his own life. His own problems. He had never bothered to ask what her life had been like. Had never assumed that she was doing anything except what she wanted to be doing. That she was happy the way she was... and he didn't know anything about her.
"I'm sorry Ylva." He said, guilt over-coming anger almost instantly. He was a gentleman. He shouldn't have snapped. He shouldn't have acted like his pain was anymore valid than hers was. She could have lost everything she had ever loved too... and he would have never known, "I should have asked about your life. I was selfish." He had always been selfish. Never noble. Always putting his own needs before anyone else's. He had chosen to save Biku even though it killed his people... he had fallen for Kavu and nearly gotten his sister killed. Gotten himself... all because he was selfish. All because he kept making the wrong choices. All because now... now he just wanted to end his miserable existance. Selfishly. When Ylva might need him...
"I could never hate you..." He whispered quietly, looking back at her. He only hated himself. Not even Kavu, for all he had done. Kavu had just done what he had always done. It was Asa who should have known better -in his own mind- it was he who should have protected himself. His sister. His family.
"I'm sorry I yelled."
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Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2009 8:46 pm
Ylva just shook her head and kept walking. It almost seemed she wasn't listening to him anymore like she was shunning him. Down the tunnel she disappeared for a long moment.
Finally she peeked out with a huge smile on her maw, "You gonna stand there looking depressing all night or you gonna come in here with me Asa?" With that she ducked her head back into the cavern. The change in mood was ... odd almost horrifying on Ylva. But she really was to tired to start a fuss and tell him how selfish he really had been. The boy had already done that and as far as Ylva was concerned there was no need to rub salt into a wound.
No, she'd just be happy if they could go on living together... if Asa still wanted to be around.
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 11:07 am
Asa blinked, opening and closing his mouth a few times before he stepped after her and stopped. He didn't know what to do, or why Ylva had forgiven him so... quickly when he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve anything, as far as he was concerned. But she... why was it that Ylva would never blame him for anything except blaming himself? It didn't make sense in his mind... he was to blame...
And so he followed her inside, walking slowly after her, "Can I ask... you know everything about me... my worst secrets now. And I... I want to know more about you." He liked being around her. And the thought that someone had hurt her... if she felt anything like he did... he didn't want her to get hurt. He didn't want anyone to lay a finger on her when she had helped protect him, even when he didn't deserve it.
"I can understand why you wouldn't... but... I'd like to know you better."
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