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Immortality. (Short story)

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Kelethor
Crew

PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:55 am


This is the shortest, and only completed work I've ever done. Enjoy.

Immortality

It had been the strangest day of Johnathan Andrew's life. Not that he had many strange days to speak of. He lived an average life married, with two children. He even worked the uneventful job of an accountant in Washington DC. It had begun as an average day, almost. The first thing he had noticed was a large welt nearly resting on his thigh. Neither he or his wife could figure out what it was the day before. Today though, his wife barely looked at him, and when she did all he saw was anger, and fear. He had tried asking her what was bothering her but she just quickly made breakfast and sent him off.

Now that he was at work, everyone he saw were making the same faces. As if he was going to attack them at any second. Nobody that he talked to answered him. Even his best friend, Alan who worked on the same floor refused to speak to him. So now John was eating his lunch, alone. Confused more than he had been his entire life. All thirty-two years of it.

After he finished his lunch he took an elevator up to his floor, the fourteenth, and began walking to his cubicle. Sighing in frustration and running a hand through his short black hair every few steps. It was only when he had taken a couple of steps into the room that he stopped. The room was deserted.

There was not a single living soul in the room, not even those who had a different lunch shift were gone. All of the computers were on though, papers were scattered across the floor, and the sounds of several dozen machines were filling the air.

This was wrong, he took a step back while his heart rate steadily increased. You're going to die. If you stay in here you're going to die! His instincts screamed at him. John ran back, out of the room, and for the stairs. He barely made in down to the next floor before his eardrums were torn apart by the sound of an explosion. He could feel the heat even as he was leaving the staircase. He waited a few second to catch his breath, and for his hearing to return, only part of it did.

Still, it was enough to catch three small sounds. He had played enough video games to recognize it. Still, the sound didn't register until he felt pain erupt in his right arm. The sound of a silencer, he had been shot. Instincts kicking in once more he began running back down the stairs. It felt like his heart was going to stop from straining itself. It felt like his arm was on fire. When he had reached the eleventh floor he stopped. Or more appropriately he was stopped.

In front of him stood one man, but instantly Johnathan could tell that he was in charge. He carried the air of a leader. His eyes showed disgust when he looked upon Johnathan though. He was dressed in a simple black vest, and similarly back pants. He had a single holster with a pistol in it. His hair was red, it almost seemed to glow with the intensity of it's color. Johnathan was terrified. This day was making less and less sense, and bringing him closer and closer to death.

“Are you terrorists?!” He screamed, in confusion and frustration, at least wanting answers if he was going to die.

The man seemed to find this hilarious, and he actually bent over laughing. It was a mocking sound, as if the man only laughed in order to taunt.

“Terrorists? We're the Army, terrorists are public enemy #1, you're private enemy #1. I'm surprised you don't remember me. Maybe you just grow weaker and weaker with each new life you destroy, parasite.”

Johnathan stood there dumbfounded, he was well aware that he jaw was hanging open. Thoughts of being killed had flown from his mind. Now he just wanted the man to continue.

“You see, you're not Johnathan Andrews. You have his memories, his looks, but Johnathan Andrews is dead. He was dead the moment you took control of him. Just like all of the others. I've killed you seven times now, I wish that lab hadn't been so effective.”

The man was drawing his gun, but still Johnathan stood there. The man had to be insane, that was the only thing that made sense.

Seeing Johnathan's confusion the man sighed, apparently in no rush to end his life.

“You, are a parasite. The are an intelligent creature so small that you can enter the bothy through pores in the skin. A welt forms around the area of entrance, though your creator's could never figure out why. You think like a human, and you gain all of the traits of whoever body you live off of. When you leave the person's brain ceases to function after you have controlled it. Johnathan Andrews died the minute you entered him. I suppose your lack of memory is what made you so easy to find. A poor choice of a host too. It was easy to isolate this incident. All he had to do was explain to this building and your family that you were insane. You had been for some time and were plotting to destroy this building in the same of some cult. People are easy to deceive, even your wife believed it.”

At the mention of his wife Johnathan's confusion turned to anger. His life had been destroyed by this madman. Nothing he was saying could be possible. Such things didn't happen in real life. He was no parasite, he was Johnathan Andrews. He had been for thirty-two years.

“You b*****d!”

Johnathan lunged and punched the man in front of him with his good arm. It had little effect, and he was quickly pushed back. This time with the gun aiming at him.

“You've caused the death of seven people. You destroyed seven families and cost the government billions of dollars for your creation, and to track you down. The research was a success, almost. Their goal was to create something immortal. Immortality created by man. If I hadn't killed you it would have been an absolute success. Goodbye immortality, you don't belong in this world anyway.”

The last part was a monologue, for Johnathan had fallen unconscious after hitting the ground. Two bullets entered his skull. Ending the life of Johnathan Andrews, victim #7 of immortality.

Matthew Hendrickson, his killer spat on his corpse as he began to leave the building. On his way down to the first floor his passed one of his many men throughout the building.

“Target has been eliminated. Pull the men out in ten and then blow the building. Johnathan bombed this place.”

“Yes sir.”

When he had reached the exit Matthew sighed. It was finally over. Nearly half a year had passed since he had been given this assignment. It felt good to finally have it completed. He had nearly done it without a scratch too.

Geeze, it didn't hit me that hard.”

On his arm where he had been punched, a welt was starting to form.
PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:10 pm


I really love the story. It's a great idea.

I can tell that this is your first attempt at a short story though, while the plot is there, the execution is a bit shaky. THe trick to writing a good short story is to not make it seem shorter by going through so much action in so little time. You may think at the time that by making the story span a longer time that it seems longer, but it's the opposite I find. You have to write it as if it's a novel, and choose just a specific time to focus on. Now I'm not saying that short stories can't span long periods of time, I've read shorts about the entire lives of people. If you choose to make it long, you have to know how to do that without just skimming the surface.

This felt a bit like that, skimming the surface. I didn't really get a feel for who Jonathan was, or what exactly was the Immortal. There are times when you can skim, and other times when you have to delve a bit deeper. It only takes practice to know when to do so.

The good short story shouldn't be thought of any less than a good novel, they both take a very skilled writer, just skilled in different ways. You should do some more shorts, they're very fulfilling I find, and it's great to be able to see how you've improved.

Stelle Cadenti
Captain

Prophet


Kelethor
Crew

PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:13 pm


Yeah, short stories are definitely not my thing. I figured I'd try something different from the novels I put off and never finish though.

I'm taking all criticism into consideration.
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