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My Savior (Poem) (rate and advice)

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well what do you think
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Dasuto

PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 3:58 pm


My Savor

I cannot forget
The love we shared when we met
Darkness filled my soul. My heart could not be healed
Before I found you, my love was concealed
At night I worry for you, my baby
I know everything will be alright, maybe.

This is love; I know it to be true
For my heart will always belong to you
I will follow you to hell and back, I care not
My heart has finally been caught
We know our love will see us through
No matter where you are the sky will remain blue

Death will try to separate us
It is fate, so put on your black dress
Heaven has begun to call
As we wait, my heart begins to fall
As the moon rises, you die in my hands
As I weep, you head towards the promise lands

I hope you wait for me up there
For my heart will always care
If god is fair, I would be with you this night
What have I done to Deserve god's spite?
Where my heart had been, there is now only a hole
Slowly turning my soul to coal

Hate and anger fills me
My screams of pain will forever be
He took you away
God will pay
I hope you can forgive me, I ask that as a favor
You are the light to my darkness and my only savior.
PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:19 pm


Justin Greene
My Savor

I cannot forget
The love we shared when we met
Darkness filled my soul. My heart could not be healed
Before I found you, my love was concealed
At night I worry for you, my baby
I know everything will be alright, maybe.

This is love; I know it to be true
For my heart will always belong to you
I will follow you to hell and back, I care not
My heart has finely been caught
We know our love will see us through
No matter where you are the sky will remain blue

Death will try to separate us
It is fate, so put on your black dress
Heaven has begun to call
As we wait, my heart begins to fall
As the moon rises, you die in my hands
As I weep, you head towards the promise lands

I hope you wait for me up there
For my heart will always care
If god is fair, I would be with you this night
What have I done to Deserve god's spite?
Where my heart had been, there is now only a hole
Slowly my soul turns to coal

Hate and anger fills me
My screams of pain will forever be
He took you away
God will pay
I hope you can forgive me, I ask that as a favor
You are the light to my darkness and my only savior.


MUCH better then your last... yet I'm still going to critique it, since there are a few errors^^

Justin Greene
My heart has finely been caught

It's finally not finely

Justin Greene

Where my heart had been, there is now only a hole
Slowly my soul turns to coal


The bolded line I think would sound much better and make a little more sense if you changed it to

Slowly turning my soul to coal

Pandamoneyelephant00

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Dasuto

PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:01 pm


great, thanks ^_^
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:02 pm


great, thanks ^_^

Dasuto


Pandamoneyelephant00

Interesting Genius

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:11 pm


Your welcome^^
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