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 Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:01 pm
As editors and agents wade through the "slush pile" of unsolicited manuscripts on their desk, most will only read the first 3 to 5 lines of the story to decide if the manuscript is worth their time. Are your opening lines up to the challenge?
Drop the first 3 to 5 lines of your story here, and offer honest criticism about other people's first lines. Basically answer these questions:
Does it grab your attention or perk your interest?
Why or why not?
Would you read the rest of the story if you were an editor?
I'll go first as an example!
Goblin Hunters (this is just about polished enough to go to the agents and editors, so I need real honest criticism on this. ^_^)
“Gotcha!” Tokori pounced Lorn on who was hiding behind a bitterberry bush.
“Hey!” Lorn cried in surprise, pushing his cousin off. “No fair, you peeked!”
“Only way I can find you,” Tokori accused. “You go to ground like fox!” he tossed his long black hair out of his eyes with an air of justification. Being exactly one year older than Lorn, he was full of superiority.
Tresspassing the Borders of Love (An attempt at a fantasy romance! ^_^)
Count Du Vinette lay dieing. The entire castle knew it and mourned. Lady Adelle knelt by his deathbed, holding his arthritic hand to her cheek.
“My love,” he rasped, his words slurred by the stroke that had knocked him off his horse the night before.
“Yes, my lord?” she whispered.
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Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 3:21 pm
Let's see...
Goblin hunters seems quite intriguing but I feel like it needs to start in a different way. I'm not sure if I have gotten used to getting to know a bit more about the characters first but at least when I write, I like to set a mood so everyone will pretty much know what this is about before any character actually speaks. You know? I mean, how can I relate to the characters there if the only thing I know about them is that one is a year older than the other? Well, that and how one of them has long black hair but that's it.
I feel I answered the first 2 questions with that, didn't I? As for the third question... I suppose I would read it if the opening was rather different.
One thing to start with! Isn't the word "die ing" actually spelled "Dying"? I know you've said yer grammar is teh shiznit so I'm also helping out. wink
I'm not exactly much for romantic things but I suppose this one seems rather interesting. It may not offer a lot of info at first but at least it sets a mood, unlike the previous story.
I suppose I would read it if I was an editor, yeah... 3nodding
As for me, I'll post some lines from one of mine but I'll have to find it first, he-he. sweatdrop
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 4:10 pm
Wow.
Ladies and gentlemen, the for the definition of ultimate thread fail, please see exhibit A, here.
I guess not everyone is as fanatic about ALL aspects of writing as I am. Sorry for my overzealous background noise. Please continue to write or pretend to write and just ignore me.
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Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 3:00 pm
Sorry nobody has come Scarlet but it's not yer fault. Blame the lack of activity for this...
BTW, here are the first 3 lines of one of my stories in case anyone wants to review them:
"Captain's Journal"
I wonder if I should be glad I'm a different person now. The good thing is; nobody I know seemed to be upset with me getting the modification that my body needed for space travel. After boarding my brand new Galaxy Cruiser named "Danoga", I began to thank god for the chance to see space. Though I already met the crew I would be working with a few weeks earlier, I didn't think there were any surprises for me left before I got to the bridge;
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 11:52 am
I think that's a great start. It already has me asking all kinds of questions and I want to read more to answer them! ^_^
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Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 1:25 pm
You mean that Scarlett? Thanks! Well, if you really want to keep reading, then you'd be happy to know I have it posted here!I'm not sure if you have to have an account to leave comments but anybody can read them and each chapter is not very long so I bet you could read one in a fair amount of time without screwing up yer schedule. 3nodding I'll come back and post 3 lines from another one of mine later. Maybe after someone else post 3 lines or so...
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Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 1:51 pm
Cool! I'll bookmark it and read it this weekend. ^_^
I changed the first 3 lines of my Goblin Hunters story. Does this sound more interesting? (so it's technically more than 3 lines)
Kirton Dredclaw lay sleeping in his chambers. Irazan could see the old king’s chest rise and fall through the gauzy curtains around his bed. Like many goblins, king Kirton kept his prize possessions near him always. He slept with his arms wrapped around bags of silver coins, luxurious furs, sparkling trinkets covered in jewels, vials of incense and perfume. Kirton looked for all the world the happiest goblin amid his wealth.
How Irazan hated that fool. Irazan didn’t think, didn’t dwell on his intents. He drew his sword, slipped behind the veils and stabbed Kirton in the heart.
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Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 4:59 am
That is much better, but the 'stabbed him through the heart' seemed pretty emotionless. How about something like, 'anger surged through him, and he stabbed him through the heart'.
Or something cooler, like 'fueled by anger, his arm zipped throught the air towards his heart'.
Or maybe I'm over doing it.
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Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 5:04 am
Oh yeah, here are the first three lines of my novel, Moonlight.
It was an eerie moonlit night. The abandoned city streets were silent, and a freezing fog lingered in the air around me; chilling me to the bone. I was alone. Or so it seemed. For two prowling wolves inched towards me, sleekly slipping from around the corner.
Well, lines on a word document razz
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Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 8:43 am
Thanks for the suggestion! I definitely want to make the murder more dramatic and emotional. It's kind of the tipping point of a lot of the action. ^_^
I like your lines, but they seem more narrative, almost like someone starting an epic story, than suspenseful. That might be what you want--I don't know what the rest of your story is like. But if you want more of a hook, you might try something like...
By night, the abandoned city streets were silent, eerie even. A freezing fog lingered in the moonlight around me, chilling me to the bone. I wasn't alone. Two prowling wolves inched towards me, sleekly slipping from around the corner.
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Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 11:37 am
I agree with Vaporae, it does sound much better Scarlet and it peeks my interest for sure. Best of luck getting published!
Hmm... I think Scarlet made a neat suggestion on the three lines of your novel Vaporae. BTW, why name it "Moonlight" Won't it be confused with the one about fangless vampires?
Anywho, here's the starting lines from my Castlevania Fanfic:
Castlevania: Children of the Moonlight
Part 1: Awakening
Long before the name of Dracula was even heard by people, there was a man who faced the night and its perils to rescue his beloved; a man who, after renouncing his title and giving up his life, found himself caught up in an adventure larger than life. What he found were dangers unmatched and even a heart breaking decision to make. After his beloved, Sara Trantoul, was taken by Walter Bernhard, she was tainted by the vampire himself and had to be killed by the very same person who loved her the most.
I know it's a bit more than 3 lines but I was sort of calculating, he-he. sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 12:16 pm
That almost sounds like a summary! It's very intriguing, but at the end, I was kind of like "You've either just given away the whole story or you haven't even started the story yet." razz
Just a suggestion, because I have no idea what the rest of your story is like, if you wanted to make it catchier, you could turn it into dialoge and have some kids telling campfire stories or something. razz
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Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 2:09 pm
I've never heard of that book. Fangless vampires? Yay, no biting!
I've been thinking of changing the title, because as I've been writing and editing and brainstorming, it's not so significant anymore. I've been thinking of 'One Star', but it sounds like a New Moon rip off. Then again, I might find something even more significant, and then end up changing it all over again. Either that, or I give away the entire story in the title, which I don't want to do.
I tried to use 'I was alone' as a seperate sentence for drama, but I guess it didn't work? Really, this is one of Stella's (my main characters) nightmares. She has them every full moon, so they aren't particularly new to her. So the 'by night' might not work.
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Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 3:27 pm
I'm only wildly suggesting things. The "I was alone" line would add drama, but the "or so I thought" detracts from that because there's no sense of immediacy. It's like recollecting a dangerous time when things are safe.
Also, I should add a disclaimer that my particular style is about colorful verbs. I try to have my readers hang on every word, so I make my action as suspenseful as possible. Not necessarily the best style for other authors. sweatdrop
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 4:18 pm
Ha-ha! You see Scarlet, this last story is supposed to be like a sequel to the story of a game. That's why it's a fanfiction!
The game is called Castlevania: Lament of Innocence and it's for the PS2.
I was trying to do justice to the story of the game in those lines. However, the first paragraph is much longer and it describes what happened in the game so, if you haven't played it yet, it's probably better to read my story till after you've beaten the game.
Thank you for your suggestion but I have absolutely no idea who could tell that story in a campfire kind of thing.
So you haven't heard of that book Vaporeae? The movie based on it is much more popular and even Gaia had an announcement about it. I'm surprised you missed it! eek
I saw the new title on your story and like I said before, It's good. I've never even heard of that New Moon thing until now though... isn't it funny? You never hearing about Twilight and me never hearing of New Moon? lol
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